Baby waking all night and I no longer see the point

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Baby is just shy of five months old and had slept well from birth, up to about a month ago he would do 5 or 6 hour stretches at the beginning of the night and settled well after a feed.

But now he’s waking every 1-2 hours most nights. Last night he did a 6 hour stretch and I thought we might be coming out of this hell but no, I’ve been up all night again.

This is my second baby. My first baby slept terribly and was not a very settled baby (he is now 2). I ‘lost’ the first year of my eldest’s life to postnatal depression; I cried pretty much every day for the first year of his life.

I am slipping down that path again and I feel a lot of it is due to sleep deprivation, as well as the social isolation of lockdown. I am so tired and I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I find myself not really wanting to be alive anymore as I feel alone and joyless. I am feeling really cross with my baby waking up all night. I don’t know why he slept for six hours straight last night and then not even two hours in a row tonight. I am so, so sad that I am falling down the postnatal depression rabbit hole again. I had all of these plans in place for coping well second time round and the Covid situation has just wrecked them all- childcare for my eldest a couple of days a week, which would allow me to do some exercises each week and attend some baby groups with the baby. That would be good bonding time with the baby but also get me out and about with other mums.

My husband works from 6am Monday to Friday so there is no rest. I’m just alone and exhausted. I don’t know how to find joy in life when I am so exhausted. I don’t know how to cope with this.

@LetTheBirdsSing I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am in a similar position- baby and toddler and it’s been so so so hard in lockdown. I had PND and did a telephone course of CBT which helped and gave me something to focus on. Is your DH supportive? Sorry I haven’t RTFT. Be kind to yourself this is an unnatural state to be parenting in. We have had many days where we haven’t made it out the house. Taking yourself away for a cry is ok. You’re doing the best you can in hideous circumstances with a very real mental health issue.

Oh darling I’m so sorry things are still not good. Does your toddler go to nursery or anything? Just thinking if there’s a way you could get a bit of a break to rest in the day at least.
Being a parent in my opinion is the hardest job in the world so please be kind to yourself.
Sending hugs xx

Sending love and hope for your assessment appointment today

Thank you for more lovely messages Apologies for not mentioning people individually. I had a horrific night last night. Baby slept 2.5 hours then was awake from 9:50pm to 12:15am. A number of times I’d put him down, he’d be quiet, and then five or ten minutes later he would start shrieking his head off. I have no idea what was wrong. Tried calpol, anbesol, bottle of formula (which he had no interest in at 10pm but did at midnight and that was the thing that finally seemed to help him off to sleep). Then slept for 3 hours and was up again. I think I’ve had four hours sleep. I feel useless because I really don’t know what was up with him. Pain relief didn’t seem to help, he just seemed to want to be held. Which would be fine but I need some sleep too I don’t want to deny my little baby whatever he wants but what happens when his wants are so incompatible with mine.

I tried to tell me DH last night how hard I’m finding things. I cried my eyes out when we were going to bed and I think he feels bad for me but doesn’t really know what to do and is worn out himself. I think because I must often seem ‘normal’ to him, albeit grumpy, it doesn’t really sink in when I say I’m not coping.

Had a helpful appointment with the mental health service. It seems they are going to offer me some talking therapy, which GP said I wouldn’t get because the service is so busy right now. But apparently I get prioritised due to having a child under 1yo so that’s wonderful. When I was referred to the perinatal mental health team early on in my first pregnancy I didn’t get offered an appointment until shortly before I was due to give birth so I wasn’t expecting to get any help anytime soon this time round.

I’ve said to my DH that I guess I either embrace co-sleeping and deal with infinite wake ups taking the path of least resistance (although I tried to get the baby to sleep in the bed with me last night and he just tried to crawl around). OR I do some hardcore sleep training for a few nights whilst DH takes DS1 away for a few nights. But I have NO idea what is the right thing to do.

Nap queen that’s wonderful that the CBT was useful. I’m really glad to hear that.

It's great that your assessment went well and you'll get some support. Even though there's probably little they can do to help on a practical level sometimes just being listened to and understood and empathised with can really lighten the load.

Is the sleep consultant still in the picture?

Poor you OP. No wonder your won out, sleep deprivation is that absolute worst.

I’m really, really touched by all of the thoughtful, kind messages posted here. So thank you to all of you.

@Whereland I started trying to implement the plan the sleep consultant gave me but I realised after the first night that I simply don’t have the physical or emotional stamina to do it right now. I did similar with my eldest a couple of years ago and know that the first few nights in particular can be really sleepless, trying to get the baby back to sleep without feeding at every wake up which means that each wake up can last for ages as of course it takes longer to settle the baby back without the usual feed. In normal circumstances I’d maybe ask one of the grandparents to come for a visit so that we would have a bit of help to ease the burden but obviously we can’t do that. So I let the sleep consultant know that I couldn’t go ahead right now as I was supposed to be updating her every day on how I’m doing. She very kindly allowed me to postpone her support service until I feel able to resume things, which I wasn’t expecting her to do, I thought I would just have to write it off as I wasn’t able to implement the plan during the time I’d booked her support in for.

My eldest isn’t in nursery, but I currently have a few hours a week with a local babysitter. I’ll hopefully have some more childcare next year, coinciding with hopefully getting back to some form of work.

Just reading this thread reminds me so much of my own dark sleep-deprived baby days. Mine are all at school now and sleepless nights are a thing of the past, but I remember the hopeless feeling, especially at the start of the night when I just knew that I wasn't going to get any proper sleep.

No wise words, except to say this stage will pass, and you will sleep 8hrs uninterrupted again.

I totally understand you not having the energy to implement the sleep consultant strategies- and it's great that she gets that too. We're not robots! Great to know she's there when you're ready for it.

Solidarity this morning- got about 2.5 hours sleep all night, baby and toddler with high temps 😴😴😴

Oh no @Whereland that sounds awful my baby has been ill with teething and sleep has gone to pot even mode. Hope your two are better now? Have you been getting any more sleep?

Thank you @GetRid it actually really helps to hear from people who have been there and come out the other side. I’m trying really hard to not wish the time away and just enjoy my little ones but it’s so hard when you’re so exhausted and know how much enjoyable it could all be if you were getting a bit more sleep.

I told myself I wouldn't get PND the second time as I was prepared etc. Eventually at 6 months I went to the GP.

The high temps have come down but they've never been good sleepers. Not quite as bad as what you're going through but they're fans of 4.30/5am starts.
How was last night for you? How often will you get to talk to the mental health team?

@CottonSock was the GP able to help you? Hoping that you are better now

@Whereland urgh the early starts are the worst. Had MONTHS of those with my eldest, i honestly felt it would never end.

I really don’t know what’s going on with baby DS. Decent just under 5 hour stretch to start, woo hoo. Fed him (breastfeed) and tried to put him down but it took nearly an hour to get him to sleep as he kept crying every time I put in the cot. Not always straight away, which is what I find so hard- there’s not an obvious “No! Don’t put me in the cot!” Reaction every time. Sometimes he goes in the cot fine but starts crying ten minutes later. WHY???? Tried anbesol in case it was teething pain. Tried to let him sleep on me me but he would just sit up and roll away (I have a bed guard).

Finally got him to sleep and then he was up less than three hours later. Fed again, I don’t remember how long it took him to fall asleep but he woke up within an hour and a half. I refused to feed him again because I knew he wouldn’t be hungry after two feeds in less than five hours. I knew if I just fed him I’d have half a chance of getting back to sleep but felt too stubborn. Ended up taking him to DH and he eventually shhhed him to sleep, slept about two hours.

Not sure if I’ve mentioned but he’s been crawling for a few weeks so I don’t know if that’s relevant. He has loads of opportunity during the day to crawl around, he’s not in a buggy loads. When he wakes up in the night and won’t go to sleep for ages he’s a mixture of distressed but then can start to seem a bit playful after a while. I don’t get it.

And I feel REALLY fed up with breastfeeding. Baby DS doesn’t seem to like having formula during night feeds, I don’t really know why as he will have it ok during the day. I still feel all fumbly making up bottles, I know that’s a bit embarrassing to admit as I’m sure it’s very straight forward. I find that by the time I’ve made a bottle and got it cooled down, I’ve ended up feeding him solids or breastfeeding as it’s all taken too long. I feel really dumb admitting that! I just can’t seem to get used to it.

Not dumb at all- I breastfed both of mine for 6/7 months and when I moved on to formula I just could not figure it out at first- the waiting for it to cool down was just painful so I ended up getting a perfect prep machine- bottle is made at the correct temp so ready to give immediately. It was the best purchase ever.
Oh it's so frustrating when there's no rhyme or reason to their waking. Sorry I forget but how many months is he? I remember mine were in an ok-ish 2 feeds a night routine at 4/5 months then at 6/7 it ramped up to 4/5 feeds a night which made no sense to me. I think a lot of it was comfort seeking and not actual hunger.

Can you afford to just use the ready made stuff op? My boys don't even need it warming up although if you use a big bottle and then refrigerate it you might need to

I’m so fucking angry. Yet another wake up after 2 hr 45 mins. I’ve spent an hour trying to get him back to sleep- offering formula, shhhing, patting. At least twice heard DH stomping into toddler DS’s room, who must have been woken up by the baby crying. So yet again I have the guilt of keeping the whole house awake.

So after an hour I’ve given in and I’m breastfeeding. I absolutely hate it. Hate feeling the letdown, don’t want a baby on my boob anymore. I’m done with it. Especially as even if I can put the baby down down afterwards the whole stupid thing will start again in 2 or 3 hours.

Oh OP I hear you. I really do. I was literally where you were about 12 months ago and it was so relentlessly painful and dark. Things that helped me:
*stopping breastfeeding
*controlled crying
*having DH do more night feeds
*forcing myself to be very fucking kind to myself
*stopping the guilt at spending days on end lying on the sofa drinking coffee whilst the kids watched TV ALL DAY because it was all I could cope with
*admitting to my GP that I was depressed (I didnt change anything else mind, but it changed my thinking so I was kinder to myself)
*surrounding myself with other mums who's kids didn't sleep. I needed to feel I wasn't alone

Things I wished I had done with hindsight:
*stopped breastfeeding sooner
*booked a night in a hotel alone so I could sleep whilst DH did night feeds

I shouted at DC1 a lot during this time. I felt increadibly guilty about it. I know have the space to see that I was exceptionally ill with it all and that it was enough to survive.

IT WILL GET BETTER I PROMISE

Op can you swap jobs? You do 2 yo and DH do baby so they can't smell your milk?

You desperately need to catch up on sleep too. Can DH take some annual leave so you can sleep in and him do the morning bottle feeds for a few days, just to try and top you up even a little?
Is he doing more of a weekend so you can sleep later then too?

@sleepingstandingup I have asked DH to take some time off so that I can do some sleep training, in the hope that he will take the toddler away for a couple of nights. Baby is up more than the toddler so I think it’s best I deal with the baby at night- DH works long hours and has a long commute right now so it feels safer for me to be exhausted than him. Toddler was still up twice last night (though the wake ups tend to be a quick cuddle, replace lost drink etc rather than the miserable long wake ups that I have with the baby) so DH is also very tired and I don’t think it’s the right thing for us for him to get any more tired right now. I do take your point about the baby smelling milk on me though, I need to have a think about that I guess.

@NationalShiteYear I’m sorry to hear that you had such a rough time of it. How did you find giving up breastfeeding? I feel like it’s going to be really traumatic for DS but I also feel so resentful doing it now and I feel like I need to give myself permission to put myself first...that feels really wrong even as I type it. The baby’s needs should come first shouldn’t they but...I just feel like I don’t count anymore. Stopping breastfeeding is selfish, there’s no way around it, I would be doing it just to make me happier. But I just really don’t want to do it anymore.

I don’t really know if I can go cold turkey? I mean I guess I’ll have to hand express a bit every day so I do t get mastitis. But I want to stop right now and I don’t know how terrible an idea it is to just stop.

When I stopped breastfeeding i reduced by one feed a day until they were taking all bottles. It took a bit longer to completely night wean, some nights I would really try to resist but end up sticking them on the boob if they wouldn't sleep. But it eventually just phased out.
How are you doing now?

Thank you @Whereland I’ve stopped breastfeeding during the day now so it’s just two (or three) feeds at night now that I need to switch over to formula although to be honest I think they will be the hardest as DS just won’t accept formula at night time.

He’s getting really upset every time I lie him down, not just after a feed but if I change his nappy. He just tries to roll over and sits up so it takes forever to ever change a nappy or his clothes. He’s always gone down happily after his bedtime feed but in the last week or maybe longer he’s crying when I put him down.

I don’t know what to do. Last night he was up for ages after each feed, screaming the house down. I said to DH though that I’m not sure what is crueler- not picking him up at all, or picking him up and have him get calm in my arms only to go straight back to full blown hysterics as soon as I put him in the cot. I honestly don’t know what is worse. At about 4:30am this morning when is listened to DS scream for an hour (after I tried to put him down, having fed him) I had to leave the room as I was feeling on the verge of losing it.

DH has booked to take the toddler away for a few nights in a couple of weeks so that I can do some sleep training with the baby. Just don’t know if I can do it though. I feel so down and like a crap mum. I don’t feel like I know how to look after my kids properly. I feel too tired to really play with them during the day. I just spend all day wanting to escape. I sat in the garden whilst my toddler played earlier today and just couldn’t stop the tears. I just want someone to give me a big hug and tell me it’ll be ok. I’m so lonely and I feel like my DH is disintegrated. I ask him what to do with the baby in terms of a strategy for his sleep and he’s just said he really doesn’t know. So I feel like I’m on my own in trying to decide whether I go down the bed sharing, breastfeeding at every wake up route or go for sleep training and fully formula feeding. I told him earlier that I don’t feel like I can go on as I am much longer and his response was “yeah but you said that when DC1 was a baby. It’ll get better soon”. I pointed out that there wasn’t a pandemic going on when DC1 was a baby so I was far less isolated, j could at least stick in some headphones and listen to music whilst DS1 napped in the pram, and I didn’t have another child to look after.

Ugh I don’t know. Is it cruel to bed share for the next couple of weeks to get by until DH and DS1 go away. It feels like it is. But I just can’t take these long wake ups with hysterical crying.

How are you whereland and are your DC better?

Oh you poor thing. It sounds so so tough.
When you're that tired you just can't see the wood for the trees and you could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the "right" thing to do and how to "fix" it. In my experience they do just grow out of a lot of the tough phases of their own accord.

Could you get back in touch with the sleep consultant for support around the few nights when you're husband is away? It's hard to feel like the responsibility lies with you to "fix" the broken sleep within the space of a few nights.

Does bedsharing mean he sleeps a little better? If it were me I would do whatever it takes in the short term to get some more sleep.

Temps are gone here so baby is sleeping a little better but toddler has never been a great sleeper. Definitely not the worst but wakes a couple of times a night and either I end up squashed into his single bed with him or I bring him in with us

Op, just found your thread. I've no advice, but I am in exactly your shoes. I have no idea where to turn next. I dread night times. I know I need to try anything, but I don't have the emotional strength to do anything other than feed to sleep and try not to wake her when putting her in the crib. It's soul destroying not having sleep. I feel I'm going to crack.

I hope things improve for you soon.