Baby waking all night and I no longer see the point

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Baby is just shy of five months old and had slept well from birth, up to about a month ago he would do 5 or 6 hour stretches at the beginning of the night and settled well after a feed.

But now he’s waking every 1-2 hours most nights. Last night he did a 6 hour stretch and I thought we might be coming out of this hell but no, I’ve been up all night again.

This is my second baby. My first baby slept terribly and was not a very settled baby (he is now 2). I ‘lost’ the first year of my eldest’s life to postnatal depression; I cried pretty much every day for the first year of his life.

I am slipping down that path again and I feel a lot of it is due to sleep deprivation, as well as the social isolation of lockdown. I am so tired and I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I find myself not really wanting to be alive anymore as I feel alone and joyless. I am feeling really cross with my baby waking up all night. I don’t know why he slept for six hours straight last night and then not even two hours in a row tonight. I am so, so sad that I am falling down the postnatal depression rabbit hole again. I had all of these plans in place for coping well second time round and the Covid situation has just wrecked them all- childcare for my eldest a couple of days a week, which would allow me to do some exercises each week and attend some baby groups with the baby. That would be good bonding time with the baby but also get me out and about with other mums.

My husband works from 6am Monday to Friday so there is no rest. I’m just alone and exhausted. I don’t know how to find joy in life when I am so exhausted. I don’t know how to cope with this.

Agree, it was much easier for me as I only had one when I sleep trained. No need to worry about waking siblings. But you might trade a week of crap sleep/everyone grumpy for a long term of good/better sleep? Would be easier if DH on holiday from work that week. Then once baby is sleeping better you would have energy to tackle toddler sleep too?

Yes, I have read loads of great advice (on here and elsewhere) that would feel really do-able if I didn’t have the toddler to worry about. Toddler is usually fairly reliable with sleep, not perfect but not terrible, so I think we either have molars coming through or perhaps we need to drop his nap altogether, ugh please no. DH has a week off coming up soon so I’ll see where we are with things then.

I figured out last night that when the baby wakes up really upset it seems to be because he’s rolled on to his front. He’s been able to do that since he was 12 weeks old so it’s not like it’s a new thing for him, and he’s also been able to roll back for ages....though harder In a sleeping bag I guess. Everything I’ve read about that suggests that it’s a short lived phase where they practise their new skill at night but I’m confused because as I say it’s not a new development him being able to roll over. Maybe with night wake ups I need to concentrate harder on checking if he’s rolled on to his front and seeing if I can settle him back without a feed, just flipping him back over on to his back. Everything seems straightforward during the day but when it’s 3am my brain just doesn’t work...

No ones brain works at 3am! Yeah, we definitely had a standing in the cot instead of lying down sleeping phase but like you say it was short lived. Babies are confusing...

I have just made an appointment with the GP to get some support. Nearly hung up whilst I was on hold and could barely get the words out when the receptionist asked what the appointment was for but I’ve done it.

I am not coping well. I screamed at my eldest son yesterday. He was inconsolable crying for me in the middle of the night. He’s been sleeping badly for ages now but I am sure that the two are connected. I am not parenting well right now and I have to acknowledge that and try to change.

Could someone babysit to give you a rest op?

You sound exhausted xx

Glad you made the appointment, hope they can help. Sleep deprivation is awful x

Different sleep consultant who doesn't recommend crying it out?? There are lots of techniques that don't involve crying (although admittedly take longer to work).
Consider mixed feeding? Breastfeeding doesn't have to be all-or-nothing especially when you are putting your mental health at risk.

I’ve got an appointment with a sleep consultant booked in for a couple of weeks time. I am really, really hoping she can help in a way that isn’t going to involve baby DS crying lots. Even if I felt like I could stomach the crying, 2yo DS is still waking up every night at the moment and I can’t face him being woken further by the baby.

Last night was bad as usual. Usual wake up 45 mins after being put to bed. Took just over 15 mins to get him back to sleep with picking him up and stroking his back. Then woke up again 50 minutes later and that took me an hour and twenty minutes to get him to sleep. I remember crying and holding him and begging him to sleep a little for me. His longest stretch of sleep was 2.5 hours, the rest were less than two hours.

I tried to give him formula for the first time last night and he spat it out.

Naps have shortened too. 45 mins. I am feeling like I have no more tricks up my sleeve right now. I can’t see an end to this. 2yo has watched cartoons all morning. I yelled at him this morning because he threw the baby’s bowl of food on the floor on purpose. It just feels all round shit. I hate the nights because I feel so lonely.

Yet again baby ended up in my bed after the second wake up (which lasted over an hour). I’m so fed up of not having even my bed to myself. Can’t even read on my phone under the duvet if I have to bed share. And I just want some space. The 24/7-ness of parenting is really getting to me. I feel Not cut out for it at all right now. It’s impossible to do anything well on so little sleep. Six months in. I thought things might be a little better.

I don’t even need the baby to sleep through. One wake up a night would be amazing. Two would be pretty manageable. But not every 45 minutes. Or hour. Or 2.5 hours.

I've been following this and keep hoping for a positive update. It sounds so so hard.
I hope the sleep consultant helps- many of them do not use crying it out so make it clear first day what you're comfortable with.
Hang in there. It absolutely will get better

Thanks whereland. Last night was horrific. Baby was up I don’t know how many times, 5 maybe? And up for the day at 5:30am. But toddler was up for two hours 1:30-3:30 and I am feeling more crap about that. I don’t know what’s wrong with him- two teeth not yet through but I’ve had a look and can’t see any sign of them under the gums. I tried asking him what was wrong last night but he said nothing. Sits quietly/wants a hug if DH or I go in but cries after we’ve left. Often doesn’t start crying until 5-20 mins after we’ve left the room which is soul destroying as you are just starting to doze off again when the crying starts.

I’m getting really close to moving the baby into mine and DH’s room (further away from toddler’s room), turning the sound off the toddler’s baby monitor and just leaving him to cry. I don’t know what’s bothering him so I don’t know how to help him sleep. DH and I are both exhausted. I am worried about DH having an accident whilst driving. I don’t feel like I can do anything about the baby’s sleep until we sort the toddler’s sleep out. Completely out of emotional and physical energy. Feeling really miserable today.

I missed the call from the GP last week so i lost my appointment. I was on another call when the dr rang in the morning and I thought they would try to call back later but apparently not. My GP surgery does appointments now where you just have to wait for a call between 8am and 6pm and if you can’t get to the phone when they ring then that’s it. I cannot face calling back, getting told off for not being able to answer the phone (not that they will care but I was on the phone to a very sick loved one who was crying when the GP rang. I didn’t even twig it was the GP calling at first as it was a withheld number) and the huffing and puffing as they re book it. I was tearful when I booked the appointment in the first place. I felt pathetic for using up a GP appointment and I can’t face the disapproval of ringing up again.

How are you doing? When is the sleep consultant appointment?

Thank you for checking in again not had the best day. I just feel like a shit parent all of the time. I’m bored of the drudgery. I don’t have the endless patience my two year old seems to need after I’ve been woken up five times the previous night.

But I’ve been trying to give myself pep talks. Been trying to take deep breaths rather than lose my rag when the toddler does something infuriating.

Fingers crossed I will talk to the sleep consultant on Friday!!! I am not feeling that hopeful as to what we can do as last night the baby woke the toddler (who was then up for hours). I am feeling more concerned about my toddler not sleeping well at the moment but because I am not the one getting up with him at night I can’t really make a plan with the sleep consultant for him, it would have to be my DH and he feels too busy/too tired to work with her or try anything new. So we will say what she suggests about the baby, but I don’t know how much difference to things we can make. I know it’ll be stuff like trying waiting a little longer after the baby wakes at night to see if he settles himself back off to sleep. But I simply can’t risk waking the toddler up- he’s sleeping so shit at the moment as it is. Anyway, will report back!

Please someone tell me that it can all change quite quickly. I was up again all night. Longest stretch of sleep I got was less than two hours. The toddler didn’t go to sleep til nearly 9pm, then was up at midnight. Baby had woken twice by 12:30am. My husband is totally fed up. I am crying every day and don’t feel even vaguely able to cope with two children.

I KNOW everything will feel a lot better if I can get more sleep. I have started introducing formula but don’t really know what I’m doing- I don’t know if the bottles I’m using are ok because they were bought for my oldest as a newborn and I never used them. Need to look up if I should be using different teats. Baby has drink a max of 4oz in one go- is this normal for a six month old I wonder. Next I will try to use formula for the bedtime feed to see if that helps

Hi OP,
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice about sleeping but I didn’t want to read your last update and run because you sounded quite down.
I have MAM bottles which are really useful if you only use bottles occasionally because you can sterilise them in the microwave so don’t need to buy a steriliser/boil/mess around with Milton. For a bf baby I would just use a number 1 teat because you don’t want them getting the formula too quickly & then going off to breast which is harder work for them (assuming you still want to continue bf the rest of the time). Look up paced feeding too.
I hope the sleep consultant has some useful tips for you to try!

I wouldn't write off the sleep consultant yet, they do what they do for a reason and I assume you chose one with good feedback/reviews etc. But what I think you really need is buy in from your husband- you can't do it all alone. You need to both buy into it and give it the best chance of working. There are two of you and two children- it needs to be all hands on deck, you do not have 4 arms.
I'm so sorry you're struggling so much.

Sleep deprivation is AWFUL. Just awful. The worst thing ever.

And it won't be the first time they will have dealt with a baby and toddler so they will be well used to this situation.

I’m trying to implement the sleep consultant advice but baby woke up screaming after less than two hours...god this is depressing...go in to try to settle baby and my phone pings with a text from my DH to say that the baby had woken the toddler. I got so upset. How is it helpful to tell me that and what am I supposed to to?

I’ve already moved the baby to the spare room now so he is further from the toddler. I can’t do anything more. I told myself I wasn’t going to stress about waking the toddler because I need to
Push on with sleep training but now of course it’s all I can think about.

So now I’m sat in tears feeding the baby. I settled him without a feed but he started crying again fifteen minutes later. Soul destroying. So now I am feeding him. It’s 11pm I haven’t slept at all. I’m barely going to sleep tonight. Again. Feel so alone. I am going to give up breastfeeding. I’m just going to try to do it slowly so I don’t get mastitis.

But so much for the old feed them up with a bottle of formula before bed thing. Baby still awake after less than two hours. How can it be so bad. I don’t understand.

I'm so sorry you had a bad night again. So unhelpful of your husband to text you about the toddler 🙄
What advice did the sleep consultant offer? Is there phone/text support so you can ask what to do in certain scenarios? I hope you got some little bit of sleep last night

OP have you started weaning yet? Can't recall exact age but pretty sure at start of thread baby was 5+ months? They are probably ready for some porridge or baby rice.

Mine used to have hungry baby milk as their last feed. That might work to keep them full longer.

Are you tracking daytime naps too so they don't have too much sleep during day? I know it's hard when you're tired - but it will pay off if you keep them awake during day for longer.

Hello lovely, how is it now? How was the weekend?

Could something else be going on here? Maybe there's no enough milk coming from your breasts for baby now he's a little bigger? Apologies if you've looked Ay it - I'm having my own sleep battles (not kid related) and it's killing me and have to go to bed (or at least get in!) and having read the full thing yet.

Can’t give any advice as you have thought about so many options. I just wanted to say that, you are wrong that you are not cut out for this. You are doing bloody brilliantly to just keep going. Yeah you might be crabby and be feeling the way you want to feel but you’re doing all the things you should be doing. You said you were not cut out for this about really minor things that have nothing to do with being cut out for it. This is really really hard and you ARE doing it. The only one thing I can offer is, if you have a baby monitor (it sounds like you do) don’t stay in the room when you put baby down. I know you are trying to get more sleep but I find with me, going to sleep and then being woken makes it feel so much harder. I’m way more grumpy if I get woken at 11 than if I haven’t been asleep yet. The weather is warm tomorrow. Take your monitor and sit outside and enjoy a little glass of wine or whatever. It’ll still feel crap when he wakes up 40 mins after going to sleep (I’m there with you right now!) but you won’t be sitting in the dark waiting for it to happen again. I’m with you on the co-sleeping. Until 3 weeks ago I was so frustrated that co-sleeping was the perfect solution as my ds wouldn’t co sleep with me. Suddenly one day he started liking it. I know what you mean about being uncomfortable but I have gradually got to the stage where he’s mostly fine for me to roll away from him and have my own space once he’s had his milk that he wants!! I wonder if it’s possible for mums and babies to get better at co-sleeping anyhow no great suggestions but don’t think you’re not cut out for this and don’t feel guilt for having a second one despite pnd. This will be over in a matter of months. It seems unbearably long but it will be over.

I have no idea why but the alerts for this thread keep going to my junk inbox so I missed the latest replies until now 🤦🏽‍♀️

We’ve had a real mixed bag of nights. One night he did 7.5 hours and then the following night was back to the usual- first wake up after 1 hour 45 mins and then waking anything from 1.5 to 3.5 hours from then on. Obviously, I have been wracking my brains trying to figure out what I did differently on the day that led to the mega sleep but I can’t think of anything!! So annoying!

I am mainly breastfeeding but I am doing a bottle of formula for the bedtime feed and sometimes another bottle during the day. I’m not sure whether that’s making any difference to the sleep but I feel better knowing that if I get to the point where breastfeeding feels like too much then I can probably switch over to formula without too much upset. I am finding though that it’s already more difficult to buy formula locally, which I’m expecting to become more of a problem in the run up to winter as I think people will start to panic but again.

I’m not really going for the sleep training right now. I realised on the first night that I just didn’t have the mental or physical energy to do it right now. The thing is, there are actually plenty of good aspects to DS’s sleep I guess...he can fall asleep in his cot at the beginning of naps and the beginning of the night no bother. So it’s not that he can’t settle himself off to sleep without rocking or a dummy or something like that. Occasionally, he throws me a long stretch of sleep- 6 or even 7 hours So it’s not that he’s incapable of linking up sleep cycles.

All that is good but at the same time it meant that I kind of knew when I booked the sleep consultant that it wouldn’t be a case of a couple of nights of controlled crying at bedtime because he can already fall asleep by himself ok.

What I’m doing at the moment is trying not to feed at every wake up. So the ones that happen early on in the evening I am not feeding, I am giving him a cuddle and then trying to settle him back to sleep by stroking him in the cot. So I’m not making huge progress but it’s what feels manageable right now.

Delighted to hear there's been some good nights. Although it can feel a bit cruel to have a good one and to then go backwards and have a few bad ones.
But like you say, you know he's capable of doing it. Hang in there. You will get there.

Another bad night. I gave calpol at bedtime in case teething pain is causing issues, that allowed him to sleep for four hours (and 1.5 hours for me). He was asleep at 7pm and there were chores to be done, but I tried to go to sleep around 9pm. Then it was all downhill. Slept for one hour. Then 30 or 40 minutes. Tried to give calpol but he screamed the house down, woke his brother up for the first of two times. My DH is exhausted too, I don’t know what’s wrong with my baby.

I’m feeling very depressed. I cannot stop crying. I cannot cope with my toddler. I was going to take the children to the park but I can’t even manage that today. Toddler wouldn’t come to me to get his nappy changed, hit me over the head with a toy....even simple things are beyond me. So I guess we are just staying at home today. I feel totally like I’m going through the motions (badly). It’s like all of the colour has drained from life and I can’t bear the thought of it just being like this day after day.

I am not doing well as a mum. Genuinely I am not. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve raised my voice at my toddler today, I’ve had to put him in a cot and leave the room, I’ve had to take myself off to cry in another room more than once. I feel so ashamed. I just can’t seem to get it together. I haven’t even made it out of the house. I have an assessment appointment regarding my mental health tomorrow. I don’t know how they can help because I feel like my despair is situational but maybe they can.