Baby waking all night and I no longer see the point

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Baby is just shy of five months old and had slept well from birth, up to about a month ago he would do 5 or 6 hour stretches at the beginning of the night and settled well after a feed.

But now he’s waking every 1-2 hours most nights. Last night he did a 6 hour stretch and I thought we might be coming out of this hell but no, I’ve been up all night again.

This is my second baby. My first baby slept terribly and was not a very settled baby (he is now 2). I ‘lost’ the first year of my eldest’s life to postnatal depression; I cried pretty much every day for the first year of his life.

I am slipping down that path again and I feel a lot of it is due to sleep deprivation, as well as the social isolation of lockdown. I am so tired and I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I find myself not really wanting to be alive anymore as I feel alone and joyless. I am feeling really cross with my baby waking up all night. I don’t know why he slept for six hours straight last night and then not even two hours in a row tonight. I am so, so sad that I am falling down the postnatal depression rabbit hole again. I had all of these plans in place for coping well second time round and the Covid situation has just wrecked them all- childcare for my eldest a couple of days a week, which would allow me to do some exercises each week and attend some baby groups with the baby. That would be good bonding time with the baby but also get me out and about with other mums.
My husband works from 6am Monday to Friday so there is no rest. I’m just alone and exhausted. I don’t know how to find joy in life when I am so exhausted. I don’t know how to cope with this.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

None of my 3 slept through the night until I stopped breastfeeding (about 6-8 months for all of them). More or less to the day.

You’ve done the most important bit, when they’re newborn, anything after that is a bonus. An exhausted and depressed mum is not a good trade off for breastfeeding beyond the first few weeks.

Please give yourself your permission/blessing to stop - I know the hassle of bottles seems like even more work at the moment, but I’m convinced with mine it was all about the comfort aspect and not about being hungry. So once the Boobs were out of the picture, all of a sudden being awake wasn’t so interesting anymore!

Honestly if you’re getting into PND and potentially suicidal thoughts territory you need to rethink the breastfeeding. It’s too much. You made the right decision for you and your babies, but you don’t have to continue with that decision if it no longer serves you

[LetTheBirdsSing]

So I finally got baby off to sleep at 8pm (first tried to put him down around 7pm). He woke up after 35 minutes but I got him back off to sleep after a few mins just holding my hand on his chest and a bit of shushing. Slept til 2:30!!!!! Then put back down at 3am and IS STILL ASLEEP. So more than four hours for the second stretch. On the rare occasions I’ve had a decent first stretch out of him he’s never had a long second stretch, not since he was a newborn.

I stupidly read on my phone whilst feeding him and then couldn’t get back off to sleep, then DH was up with a restless toddler so I’ve only had the briefest doze since 2:30 and already feeling zonked. BUT the baby had a decent night at least...can’t decide if this is wonderful or very cruel given that I haven’t slept the second half of the night

[converseandjeans]

markruffalo talks a lot of sense. I know last night was better but you need this every night so you can go to bed & switch off yourself. Please listen to what previous poster said & prioritise getting yourself back on form. It's really important that you get some energy.

[Indecisivelurcher]

Personally I think you should stop breastfeeding too. Or at least move to combination feeding. Bottles are slightly more hassle yes but at this age you'd move to a right feeding schedule rather than on demand and big bonus you could share duties with your husband. The only downside is you would lose the ultimate comfort of the breastfeeding. But this is not working for you!

I'm so glad baby had a better night fingers crossed its the start of something and touching all the wood.

[June628]

I hope you had another better night last night OP! It is hard to switch off sometimes even if the baby goes back to sleep, especially if you’re on edge and waiting for them to wake up. So annoying when you could’ve had that extra sleep isn’t it!

[TooMinty]

@LetTheBirdsSing

So I finally got baby off to sleep at 8pm (first tried to put him down around 7pm). He woke up after 35 minutes but I got him back off to sleep after a few mins just holding my hand on his chest and a bit of shushing. Slept til 2:30!!!!! Then put back down at 3am and IS STILL ASLEEP. So more than four hours for the second stretch. On the rare occasions I’ve had a decent first stretch out of him he’s never had a long second stretch, not since he was a newborn.

I stupidly read on my phone whilst feeding him and then couldn’t get back off to sleep, then DH was up with a restless toddler so I’ve only had the briefest doze since 2:30 and already feeling zonked. BUT the baby had a decent night at least...can’t decide if this is wonderful or very cruel given that I haven’t slept the second half of the night

Oh this sounds promising, fingers crossed it is the start of better sleeping...

I used to do the phone thing too - I was so terrified of falling asleep sitting up feeding him that I looked at my phone then couldn't get back to sleep after!

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Argh sorry, the notifications for this thread keep going in my junk inbox so I both thought it had died a death and then forgot about it.

I obviously jinxed myself because it’s been back to a 3 hour stretch to start although almost with a wake up 30-60 minutes after being put down....WHY??? My googling has helpfully told me that this is down to baby being over or under tired. Which one is it????!! Then after that I get 2-3 hour stretches, sometimes one hour closer to the morning.

The above pattern isn’t absolutely unbearable but it does mean I can’t have any sort of evening as DS wakes up screaming within the first hour and I have to rush in to settle him before he wakes his brother up. And if I don’t get to sleep then it’s just not enough for me to function. Feeling really, really tired during the night feeds again.

Tried to get DH to settle the baby for these first early wake ups in the evening but baby just gets very distressed, clearly just wants me as his mum, so I just do it myself every time.

I know baby sleep isn’t linear but god it’s frustrating that I’m feeding as frequently, if not more so, than when he was a newborn. I’ve contacted the sleep consultant to see if she has any upcoming availability. Still don’t feel like I remotely Have enough energy to do any form of sleep training...

I don’t think I have postnatal depression right now. I just feel really tired. I feel less pessimistic about the future than I did when I started this thread. Just finding the present pretty tough. I would like to have an hour to myself in the evenings without having to compromise my health by missing out on much needed sleep. An hour would do be SO much good mentally.

Anyway, waffling as usual. Thanks for all of the helpful, kind thoughts. They are really thought provoking and interesting to need. Breastfeeding....mixed feelings about it right now but not at the point of wanting to stop. About to start weaning so will be interesting to see if that makes any difference at all

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Feeling very low this morning. Had a bad night. Came downstairs and my DH had done nothing to tidy up at all. Not even taken the clean basket of washing upstairs. I can’t stop crying this morning. I’m so tired and I don’t understand why my DH isn’t moving heaven and earth to try and ease the load on my shoulders right now. If the roles were reversed you can be damn sure that the kitchen would be pristine in the morning.

Back to feeling very down. First wake up was before 11pm. Then a 4 hour stretch but up again at 3:15 and then awake till 5- very restful after feed and then did two poos. Baby fell asleep at 5am, I reckon I managed 20 minutes sleep before baby woke up just before 6 and toddler was up then too. It’s so bloody relentless. I’ve been crying a lot this morning. Don’t even know why I’m posting this. I am bored of myself.

[Panticles]

I am not bored of you. Just wishing I could come over and make it right.

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Thank you, you’re very kind

I just feel very alone. Like, when the chips are down, my DH won’t put himself out to make my life a bit easier. We had this same argument over and over when my eldest was a baby, I was going to bed at 7pm, had no life, up all night and then my DH wouldn’t have done the bare minimum of tidying up in the evenings so I’d come downstairs to find that the kitchen worktop hadn’t even had a quick wipe and Id just burst into tears. I’d already be feeling crap from the exhaustion and Groundhog Day-ness of my life and it’d just be the final straw.

My toddler has head butted me in the nose this morning. By accident but still really hurt. I feel like I’ve spent the morning either crying or being cross.

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Waiting for the PND helpline to open at 11am but I can’t even have a two minute phone call without toddler wrecking something round the house

[Noelsack]

I’m so sorry @LetTheBirdsSing I’ve got an 8 month old and remember only weeks ago sitting in my DS’s room crying my eyes and howling with frustration from lack of sleep, an untidy house and just feeling really low. My GP gave me ADs but the side effects don’t seem worth it and I decided I was just going to dump the baby in my DH’s arms every morning regardless of the hour.

We moved DS into his own room and I slept in the same room (him in his cot, me on the bed), but he was unsettled and hated not having me at arms length. 2-3 nights of refusing to sleep. Several wake ups when he did. He soon got over it. He now sleeps from 7.30 to 4.30 (with 1-2 stirrings) and I’m feeling human again. What you’re going through is temporary.

Whwre do you live? I just want to come over and give you a gift of 5 hours sleep while I watch your baby... I know this isn’t possible due to covid but I really would.

[Happyhappyday]

So sorry you're having such a rough time. I think the real issue here is your partner though - the baby might be grumpy the first few times he goes in to resettle, but he really needs to persist and help share the load so you can put in some ear plugs and get some sleep. Seriously. Parenting should be 50/50, just because he works during the day doesn't mean he doesn't have to do 50/50 at night. It's just not ok. He needs to take your mental health seriously as well. Sleep deprivation is really awful and months of it really eats away at you. I repeatedly asked DH if we could give back DD in the first few months and desperation from lack of sleep led me to fantasise very seriously about running away. This was with a very very supportive husband and only one child.

Have you tried sitting him down and really making him understand how badly you're feeling? I know that sounds really obvious, but maybe if you can get someone else to watch the kids for an hour, go somewhere together and explain the depth of the desperation you're feeling. My other suggestion would be to just leave him to it with the kiddos - baby goes down and you go out or just don't help him resettle.

Re baby sleep - I think giving up night time breast feeding and sleep training will probably go a long way towards solving the problems, but I think you need to solve the DH problem first, as without him being properly supportive it's going to be pretty brutal sleep training on your own while you are exhausted. At 8 months though, I would definitely just do CIO and put in ear plugs and noise cancelling headphones... but I am sure I will be called heartless for that.

[TooMinty]

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that good night wasn't the start of an improvement. My DS1 used to do that, randomly sleep quite well one single night then we'd rack our brains to think why and try to recreate it but we never could...

Your husband is making me angry now. Can you read him the riot act or do you not have enough energy? His behaviour now has the potential to ruin your relationship long term.

Like PP, I wish I could help you get some sleep - do you have any friends nearby who could do this? I'd also like to give your husband a proper talking too...

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

You need help now. It's not normal for a 6 month old to wake that much. Book a consultation with a sleep coach and get yourself some help. Take practical steps now. Try The Parent Baby coach. She's called Heidi. I follow her on Instagram and she helped me massively when I had problems with my son. A phone consultation is about £90 but it's worth its weight in gold. X

[Ginflinger]

It's absolute hell, sleep deprivation. You have my every sympathy.

From 4 to 7 months, DS didn't sleep for longer than 2 hours at a stretch. I thought I was going mad. I sleep-trained (cry and return at extended intervals.) Thank God it worked. Within 3 nights he was sleeping for regular 6 hour stretches. Sanity saved. He is happy, well adjusted 6 yo now.

Good luck and I hope whatever you do gets you more sleep.

[converseandjeans]

letthebirds have you taken on board any of the advice given about feeding & sleep training?

I feel bad for you but you need to make some changes.

Look at how much sleep per day baby is getting, check they're getting enough food and try letting them self settle.

[LetTheBirdsSing]

I’ve had lots of wonderful advice on here converse, you’re quite right. I’m only managing to make very gradual steps at the moment as I feel a bit like I’m wading through golden syrup. Often feeling stuck and like changing anything is impossible.

I’ve started tracking the baby’s sleep on huckleberry and that is proving really helpful. I think I maybe need to tweak the naps (possibly shortening the first one) but hoping to get some advice from the sleep consultant about that.

Had a wonderful chat with a very kind woman at the PND charity. I only managed about five minutes before toddler interrupted the call but it was SO good to talk to someone. Have also had a frank chat with DH about working as a team.

Here is where I’m feeling a bit confused. Baby goes into the cot awake for all naps and last night, for example, I fed him, put him in the cot and said goodnight. Left the room and watched on the monitor. He took a while to fall asleep (was rolling around a bit but not crying) but fell asleep on his own. Falls asleep alone for all naps and has done for a while. Can link sleep cycles for daytime naps as he can nap for 2 hours.

With my eldest I remember that when I consulted the sleep consultant my then baby was only able to nap for 30 mins and was so drowsy when I did his bedtime feed that he wasn’t awake enough when put down at bedtime. But those things don’t apply to baby DS so I don’t think something like controlled crying would work

He’s not linking sleep cycles very well at night clearly and I’m not sure if that’s hunger or stuff needing tweaking during the day, too much or too little sleep perhaps.

Eldest is currently waking up at night (DH deals with eldest at night) and it’s not the right time to do any sleep training that’s going to involve baby DS crying and possibly waking his brother. I need to have at least toddler DS sleeping pretty well for my own sanity- baby waking every two hours is easier to deal with the next day than a cranky overtired toddler.

ginflinger that’s wonderful that you got decent stretches of sleep so quickly. Were you feeding to sleep before you sleep trained, do you remember?

[converseandjeans]



There are various charts online but also books. You need to check that the baby isn't napping all day.

Have you tried some baby rice? You might find that helps.

I honestly feel sorry for you not getting sleep - it must be awful. But you need to make some changes.

[converseandjeans]



[converseandjeans]

Sorry the image didn't upload. I used to track naps to make sure they were tired enough at bedtime. I used to wake mine up from naps if they had been asleep too long. It sounds cruel but it got them into a routine.

[LetTheBirdsSing]

@TooMinty ha, yes I remember doing the same with my eldest when he would have an uncharacteristically good night as a baby! What was the room temperature? Which babygro was he wearing?? Which sleeping bag?! Trying desperately to figure out what the magic solution was and then being bitterly disappointed when the next night was crap. Local friends are all mums of toddlers and young babies or pregnant so can’t help out unfortunately.

Baby DS has his first tooth about to emerge! So I don’t know how much that has affected things. We got a four hour stretch in the middle of the night (although toddler woke me up half way through so I didn’t exactly get the benefit) so I’m taking that as a positive.

@Happyhappyday I don’t think you sound heartless at all but I don’t think that cry it out is for me. Well, never say never but I think it would be a last resort for me. I’m not anti sleep training but I’d prefer either staying with baby to settle him or going in at regular intervals. If I’m going to go down the sleep training route then I’ve got to be really committed to it in my mind before I start otherwise it’ll be a mess. I remember being absolutely desperate with my eldest, I was on my knees and would have done anything to get him to sleep. I don’t feel the same at the moment (this could all change tomorrow esp if I have a particularly bad night) and baby DS is SUCH a smiley, happy baby...the thought of him crying his eyes out is too upsetting. Right now, I’d rather be exhausted and try to find a place of acceptance mentally and also try to keep myself as physically well as possible (handing kids over to DH to have a nap on the weekends, eating well, taking supplements etc.) I found it really helpful to say out loud that I was struggling to the woman at the PND charity. If I could have regular counselling that would help but I’m just trying to figure out how best to make that happen. I now have childcare for my eldest for a few hours a week but I don’t feel ready to leave the baby with anyone other than my DH yet. Again, maybe the balance will tip so that my desire to speak to a counsellor regularly will be stronger than me not wanting to leave the baby with anyone.

I’ve had a conversation with DH about everything and I’m hoping we are more on the same page. He is getting up most nights with toddler DS at the moment, although not the same frequency that I am having to with the baby.

I tried giving baby DS his bedtime feed with the light on tonight so that he wasn’t too drowsy when I put him down. Will be interesting to see if he still wakes up after the first sleep cycle or if that makes any difference.

I’ve been out and about in the fresh air a fair amount this weekend which has really helped. I’ve definitely got that sinking Sunday night feeling though as I approach another week ahead alone with the little ones. There just doesn’t feel like anything to look forward to. I think a lot of my feelings are wrapped up with the uncertainty around Covid, worrying how I am going to manage the winter when it’ll be difficult to meet up with friends outside, possibly still no toddler groups running (or they are but weighing up the risk of going esp if Covid risks start to rise). I think I could really do with trying to train myself to just stay focused on the present and not worry about how bad things might be in the future. It probably sounds pathetic but now that baby DS is cutting his first tooth I am really stressing about having another two years of intermittently shit sleep as all of the teeth come through. It’s bringing back memories of how difficult I found it with my eldest . Maybe I could do some online CBT to help me not to worry so much about the futjre

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Crikey, sorry. Didn’t realise quite how much I rambled on there

[TooMinty]

I'm glad you had a chat with your husband, fingers crossed he'll pull it together now and stop making more work for you!

I used to actively make sure DS1 was awake before putting him to bed. So feed with lights on, only allowed 10 minutes to feed, held upright and "helped" me shut the blinds etc.

[LetTheBirdsSing]

First wake up after 57 minutes. Ok, feeding with the light on at bedtime clearly made zero difference.

DH next door trying to get toddler to sleep (which is a whole other story) so I had to race into baby’s room in case he woke toddler just as he was dropping off. So am now feeding the baby again. Really pissed off at myself. But what am I supposed to do, let baby cry to see if he will drop back off to sleep but in the process wake toddler and then have to deal with the grumpy overtired toddler the next day. This is crap.