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Original poster

Mother in law pre planned deception used dummy without asking

221 replies

hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 10:00

Hi all wanted to understand if I’m being unreasonable here.

So mother in law who has been really involved up to now and looked after 6 month old through night a few times, done bed routines bath etc but while we are there

A few weeks ago we trusted she knew everything and we left son with her with as we went to a wedding for a night. All went well.

This week she stayed at ours for a night and to give us a break she does the night so we can catch up on sleep.

Anyway in the morning she said she tried a dummy when he was restless. Without our permission and it worked. He has never had a dummy ever, never needed or wanted one.

The night before we even talked at length about our plans to sleep train etc. No mention of dummy.

It turns out she bought a dummy, sterilised it at home, never told us, and decided to try it.

I am furious!!!! I fee she has hugely betrayed our trust. Who does that and pre plans all that deception. It wasn’t a spur of the moment mistake.

She is now saying she is so sorry and she doesn’t know why she did it.

My partner want to forgive instantly and leave baby with her next weekend.

We have nothing booked. I don’t fee like going away. But partner thinks this will escalate if we cancel them. We were going to have one night for our anniversary.

I really am happy to make a point of it and cancel. Or even make an excuse though I’m sure it will be obvious why.

I mean that is pretty bad right what she has done? He never had a dummy, not that I’m against it, but if you don’t have to then don’t. She knew all this. She premditated /planned it.

Not just accepting apology and carrying on one week later leaving him with her again. Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced.

I Need a bit of time, I’m not saying forever.

Please tell me I’m being fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 10:03

Just to add. Dummy/no dummy , is a big decision and parent only have that right. Agree?

OP posts:
JustMe9 · 03/08/2019 10:04

I feel sorry for your mother in law!!! She is looking after your son so often and even overnight and all she did was gave him a dummy so what...? Sorry but you sound very unreasonable and ungrateful!

user1483387154 · 03/08/2019 10:04

I think you are massively overreacting tbh

liitlepenguin · 03/08/2019 10:05

I think YABU and hysterically overacting

You gotta pick your battles

This is not oner of them

IVEgottheDECAF · 03/08/2019 10:06

I think your being a bit hard on her. Yes she should have asked but maybe genuinely didnt think it would be an issue. I was expecting you to be saying she gives dc one everytime she has them and now dc doesnt settle without.

Fefifoefum · 03/08/2019 10:07

I think you’re being unreasonable. It’s not like she gave your baby crack.
If you don’t want to use the dummy again, just don’t. Your mother in law is obviously aware she’s upset you and won’t do it again.
She’s also clearly REALLY helpful. That’s so lovely! She made a mistake, chill out.

MamaFlintstone · 03/08/2019 10:07

Personally I think you need to get a grip, but then I did use a dummy with my DD at that age so maybe I just don’t understand what massive damage she’s supposedly done. I don’t think it’s a big deal - I don’t see dummies as one of the big parenting “decisions” that have to be carefully considered and respected at all costs.

But since you didn’t want to use one, tell her aren’t happy with dummy use, she won’t use it again, that’s the end of it. Where’s the big problem? Why do there have to be consequences?

Vika1985 · 03/08/2019 10:07

What difference to you/ your baby's life does having a one off dummy over night?

Pre-planned deceptionHmm

ChildminderMum · 03/08/2019 10:08

No, a dummy isn't a "big decision" Grin

If she'd had your child circumcised or weaned him onto chocolate pudding at 3 months - thats a big decision.

A totally harmless and reversible decision like giving a dummy really isn't...

CarrieBlu · 03/08/2019 10:08

This would piss me off too OP. She’s overstepped the mark and I wouldn’t be leaving my child with her again in a hurry.

LittleBearPad · 03/08/2019 10:08

You’re overreacting.

Ask her not to do it again and move on.

raindropsonwindows · 03/08/2019 10:08

Of course, the alternative reaction in this situation is "I would have preferred not to use a dummy but, now you have and it worked, I'll try it tonight and we can all get some more sleep"

Vika1985 · 03/08/2019 10:09

Maybe if she isn't allowed to use the dummy then she won't have your unsettled wee one overnight? Which would you prefer?

Whisky2014 · 03/08/2019 10:09

I think yabu! You even say He never had a dummy, not that I’m against it

For fuck sake, she sounds very helpful and generous. Worry about bigger things in life. Jesus.

Timeandtimeagain42 · 03/08/2019 10:09

I'd be mildly irritated at most. She did something that is not what you planned and she knew that, so yes that's a little annoying. On the other hand it came from a good place, she was helping baby settle and having him overnight so you could get a bit of time..... which is lovely of her.
There's recent evidence that in the baby stage a dummy is a good thing as it keeps airways open. I got asked by professionals mid emcs if I would consent to ds having a dummy as it would help his breathing issues.
So it's not as if she did anything dangerous or harmful. Having a dummy once in a blue moon at MIL house won't do your ds any harm.
In short, she was wrong so you are justified in being annoyed but you're overreacting and need to take a deep breath and smile for the sake of good relations.

ChildminderMum · 03/08/2019 10:09

Just say "thanks so much for looking after him overnight MIL, that was so kind of you. We've decided we want to avoid giving him a dummy though".

OhioOhioOhio · 03/08/2019 10:10

Yes it is very annoying but yabu to punish her. You are not her line manager. The woman is kind and does you lots of favours. If you don't want to have favours stop the routine altogether. Don't drip feed her your disapproval.

Skyejuly · 03/08/2019 10:10

I dont see the issue. I wish someone looked after mine that often!

Hoppinggreen · 03/08/2019 10:11

Over dramatic OP, it’s just a dummy
You sound a bit hysterical

Whisky2014 · 03/08/2019 10:11

Pre-planned deception I know @vikka1985 I'd say op has very ingrained and deep trust issues...

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/08/2019 10:11

She is providing a massive amount of help, keep a sense of proportion about this.

MoreSlidingDoors · 03/08/2019 10:13

The night before we even talked at length about our plans to sleep train etc.

Ewwwwww.

AuntieGT · 03/08/2019 10:13

She seems to look after your baby a lot.

kennyjenny · 03/08/2019 10:15

I'm really jealous you have such a lovely mil. I would do anything for someone else to take over for one night. Yabu

Limpshade · 03/08/2019 10:16

I don't like dummies in general but I think you are really overreacting. Giving your baby a dummy once does not mean they will always want a dummy. I have given both my babies dummies on longhaul flights at about the same age as last resorts and neither has needed one to settle again since.

Your MIL does a HUGE amount to help you. She gives you one night off per week (!) and does overnights for you on special occasions too. I'm shocked that she gives you this amount of help and you've gone nuclear on her over one "incident".

She's apologised and made it clear she won't do it again. That should be enough.

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