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Original poster

Mother in law pre planned deception used dummy without asking

221 replies

hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 10:00

Hi all wanted to understand if I’m being unreasonable here.

So mother in law who has been really involved up to now and looked after 6 month old through night a few times, done bed routines bath etc but while we are there

A few weeks ago we trusted she knew everything and we left son with her with as we went to a wedding for a night. All went well.

This week she stayed at ours for a night and to give us a break she does the night so we can catch up on sleep.

Anyway in the morning she said she tried a dummy when he was restless. Without our permission and it worked. He has never had a dummy ever, never needed or wanted one.

The night before we even talked at length about our plans to sleep train etc. No mention of dummy.

It turns out she bought a dummy, sterilised it at home, never told us, and decided to try it.

I am furious!!!! I fee she has hugely betrayed our trust. Who does that and pre plans all that deception. It wasn’t a spur of the moment mistake.

She is now saying she is so sorry and she doesn’t know why she did it.

My partner want to forgive instantly and leave baby with her next weekend.

We have nothing booked. I don’t fee like going away. But partner thinks this will escalate if we cancel them. We were going to have one night for our anniversary.

I really am happy to make a point of it and cancel. Or even make an excuse though I’m sure it will be obvious why.

I mean that is pretty bad right what she has done? He never had a dummy, not that I’m against it, but if you don’t have to then don’t. She knew all this. She premditated /planned it.

Not just accepting apology and carrying on one week later leaving him with her again. Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced.

I Need a bit of time, I’m not saying forever.

Please tell me I’m being fair?

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 04/08/2019 08:17

Looks like you’ve already spat the dummy out

Grin
Bluntness100 · 04/08/2019 08:24

Op do you have anger management issues or other mental health concerns? Your reaction here is so ott it raises concern for your mential health.

It's a dummy, she didn't have the child tattooed. You need to take your partner's lead here and try to understand what's causing your abnormal behavuour.

MrsKittyFane1 · 04/08/2019 08:48

I really am happy to make a point of it and cancel. Or even make an excuse though I’m sure it will be obvious why.

Yes! Cancel your next overnight stay - and any others you have planned.
Your MIL doesn't need this
Do things your way, look after your own child or hire another skivvy a nanny.

MammaBot211 · 04/08/2019 11:36

Get a grip @hopeful8 she gave a dummy not heroin. Be grateful you get all these free nights and help instead of trying to prove a point. She apologised, get over it.

nakedscientist · 04/08/2019 11:38

Goodness me OP! You will have a lifetime of important decisions, difficult times, illnesses ( hopefully mild) accidents ( hopefully not serious), difficult moments, toddler tantrums, school problems, TEENS, boyfriends/ girlfriends, money decisions, sleepless nights.... We all do. For goodness sake have some perspective!
Don't punish people and try to understand what motivates an individual. Oh and don't call people morons when YOU asked for their advice.

Original poster
hopeful8 · 04/08/2019 11:41

Thread of the week?

OP posts:
Original poster
hopeful8 · 04/08/2019 11:45

Clearly ive over reacted and mumsnet help me realise.

I wasnt offensive but many here have been.

At least a few intelligent people have admitted they would have been annoyed too but are right that I should just let this go.

OP posts:
Original poster
hopeful8 · 04/08/2019 11:49

The whole premise of someone giving you lots of support should mean they get a free ticket to do what they want against your wishes is rediculous too

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 04/08/2019 11:49

Five times total, really? Bullshit.

One was a couple of weeks ago, one was this week and you’re leaving the baby with her next week even though you’ve got nothing planned?

Pull the other one.

And even if it were only 5 times, that’s around once a month - what I wouldn’t give for someone to help overnight with the twins once a month! It’s never happened once in three years!

Your MIL is going above and beyond for you.

onedayiwillmissthis · 04/08/2019 11:51

Maybe she just wanted to make sure her grandchild could be settled without any great upset(when it's mother isn't there to calm etc)? Would you prefer she lets the baby be upset? Or it it maybe better if she doesn't help out at all. Let it go. In the grand scheme of things it's not important.

MammaBot211 · 04/08/2019 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

XXcstatic · 04/08/2019 12:05

Have you ever looked after a baby apart from your own, OP? It's really tough when they're distressed and you haven't got the option of breast-feeding to comfort, plus they are unsettled because they know that you are not their parent (even if you're familiar).

I suggest you offer to babysit someone else's baby for a few nights, then see how you feel about your MIL.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 04/08/2019 12:13

'At least a few intelligent people'

Literally what is the matter with you? Do you speak to people like this in real life? Do you think everyone is thick if they dont agree with you?

Lechemermaid · 04/08/2019 12:59

I signed up for MN just so I could reply to this Grin

You are NOT overreacting! The dummy is very hard to wean off of and can be an absolute nightmare! Your decision to never use one is yours and your partners and not anyone else's!

The fact that the MIL didn't even ask your permission proves she cannot be trusted. If my mother did that, I would be furious 😠

bodgeitandscarper · 04/08/2019 13:15

Your MIL was doing her best to settle and comfort your child. Using a dummy for one night isn't going to be forming a habit.
I didn't allow my second child a dummy, so they sucked their thumb instead. They got leukaemia and developed infections due to no immunity) from sucking their thumb, so we cruelly had to stop them, so they sucked their fingers and had to be stopped.... I really wish they'd had a dummy in the first place.
There are going to be things that crop up in life that are much worse than your child being given a dummy, save your angst for them.

Saying your MIL can't be trusted is ridiculous. She isn't trying to harm or kill your child.

AngryMum19 · 04/08/2019 13:21

At least a few intelligent people have admitted they would have been annoyed too but are right that I should just let this go.

So the people who don't agree with you are stupid? OFDOD.

AngryMum19 · 04/08/2019 13:21

ODFOD of course is what I meant!!

dontfluffthefluffer · 04/08/2019 13:29

You're being precious.

You get a lot of support. Someone being there to let you get some sleep once a month (on average) is, most definitely, a huge support.

It's a dummy, not a massive fan of them but whatever works go with it.

In a few years you'll look back on this and be mortified.

YAB(massively)U.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2019 13:34

The whole premise of someone giving you lots of support should mean they get a free ticket to do what they want against your wishes is reidiculous too

No, it does mean you ahould be less of a spoilt brat. Talking about how good you are cos you've decided to not PUNISH a grown woman who's given you tons of help, of how you might withhold your child from her to punish her as if YOU having a solid night's sleep or getting a dirty weekend away with your partner is for HER benefit.

Honestly OP just tell her you've decided you don't need childcare overnight, don't need her to sleep over yours anymore, thank her for all her help thus far and such up the sleep deo and lack of alone time

SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2019 13:36

The fact that the MIL didn't even ask your permission proves she cannot be trusted then op and her DH can do without the weekends away and the nights of solid sleep together and look after their own child every night

Vanillelle · 04/08/2019 14:09

I don't think you have any entitlement to 'punish' another adult for what was, at most, a lapse in judgment. What a weird thing to say.

loobylou10 · 04/08/2019 14:14

Right so only the 'intelligent' people agree with you OP?
Yabvvvu but obviously us 'thickos' know no better do we.
Hopefully in years to come you will look back on this and cringe - your poor MIL.

saraclara · 04/08/2019 14:25

In a few years you'll look back on this and be mortified.

I doubt it. This doesn't sound like one off behaviour.

The more you post, OP, the more unhinged and vengeful you sound, OP. You don't get to punish adults in your life. And this incident is far from a punishable offence even if you did get to do that.
You have a long road ahead with your child/children, and you'll need close members of your family for all sorts of favours along the way. It would be insane to make one of the most willing of them feel bad about something so unimportant.

It might be too late already though. In her place I'd not want to continue looking after your baby, knowing that you don't trust me.

Lauraloop1516 · 04/08/2019 14:40

@thoughtlessinengland - me too! I'm currently pregnant and can't help thinking - 'yikes, if I have a boy I may end up treading on eggshells with a vindictive dil like op!'

Aria2015 · 04/08/2019 15:07

Definitely pick your battles. You're unlikely to find anyone who will do exactly as you do with a child and as long as your dd is loved and well cared for, I would just enjoy the fact that you have family who will give you a break from time to time. My inlaws give my lo whole magnums and watch TV all day, things I wouldn't do but it causes him no real harm so I just let it go. He does one thing at their house and one thing at ours. As for a dummy, I used them and they can help soothe them to see so it could be no bad thing if it worked. My lo gave up the dummy on his own at around 9 months so no big battle getting rid of it. its hard when they're young, I did used to get more irritated by the small stuff but as they get older you look back and wonder why it bothered you. I'm pretty sure you'll look back and feel the same about the dummy.

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