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Original poster

Mother in law pre planned deception used dummy without asking

221 replies

hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 10:00

Hi all wanted to understand if I’m being unreasonable here.

So mother in law who has been really involved up to now and looked after 6 month old through night a few times, done bed routines bath etc but while we are there

A few weeks ago we trusted she knew everything and we left son with her with as we went to a wedding for a night. All went well.

This week she stayed at ours for a night and to give us a break she does the night so we can catch up on sleep.

Anyway in the morning she said she tried a dummy when he was restless. Without our permission and it worked. He has never had a dummy ever, never needed or wanted one.

The night before we even talked at length about our plans to sleep train etc. No mention of dummy.

It turns out she bought a dummy, sterilised it at home, never told us, and decided to try it.

I am furious!!!! I fee she has hugely betrayed our trust. Who does that and pre plans all that deception. It wasn’t a spur of the moment mistake.

She is now saying she is so sorry and she doesn’t know why she did it.

My partner want to forgive instantly and leave baby with her next weekend.

We have nothing booked. I don’t fee like going away. But partner thinks this will escalate if we cancel them. We were going to have one night for our anniversary.

I really am happy to make a point of it and cancel. Or even make an excuse though I’m sure it will be obvious why.

I mean that is pretty bad right what she has done? He never had a dummy, not that I’m against it, but if you don’t have to then don’t. She knew all this. She premditated /planned it.

Not just accepting apology and carrying on one week later leaving him with her again. Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced.

I Need a bit of time, I’m not saying forever.

Please tell me I’m being fair?

OP posts:
Timeandtimeagain42 · 03/08/2019 11:26

Oh my Christ that's horrendous!!!!

Who do you think will play you all in the movie?

GrinGrin

Untamedtoad · 03/08/2019 11:29

If you're expecting your mil to regularly look after your child overnight, then 1. You need to think yourselves VERY lucky that she is willing to do that! Not many grandparents want to relive the task of sleepless nights all over again, and much prefer to just do the "nice" parts of babysitting, and 2. Except the fact that when responsible for your child, she kind of gets to do it "her way" (within reason obviously). I'd be extremely grateful to anyone who would have been willing to give me a night off when my babies were small, and sounds like this is a regular occurrence for you, so maybe instead of being pissed off, you should just be praising her and saying good job for finding a way to help baby sleep well? If you want to do it all your way, then that's absolutely fine, I wouldn't have wanted my baby to be given a dummy without my consent either, but I also wasn't asking for regular, free, overnight childcare, so was able to do everything my way 24/7 as I was with my baby 24/7.

golddustwomen · 03/08/2019 11:29

This would irritate me but jeez do you know how lucky you are having that much help and support?! I'd keep my mouth firmly shut if I were you.

Cannyhandleit · 03/08/2019 11:29

I'd be pissed off but then after I'd calmed down I would realise that I was massively over reacting and get over it! Now if mil said 'well I gave him some whisky in his milk to help him sleep and it worked a treat' then I would probably cancel future plans for him to stay overnight with her.

madcatladyforever · 03/08/2019 11:32

Blimey what a huge overreaction! !!! A dummy once in a blur moon isn't going to kill your child. He probably doesn't settle as well with her so she's just doing her best.
It's not premeditated murder!
I never used a dummy but the child minder did if DS wouldn't settle. Nobody died.

MirrorHope · 03/08/2019 11:34

OP listen to previous posters.

Essentially you're treating her as MiL when it comes to this but actually she's been more than MiL - she's a co-parent and your child has a strong attachment to her - one you have fostered.

If you want your MiL to be involved parenting your child as much as she has in 6 months then I would say you are being massively unreasonable. She felt it was a solution for a child she's effectively parenting too. I think in this muddle Of you using her to this extent but still wanting to make all the decisions is of your own making. Don't involve her so much if you don't want her doing certain things.

You're lucky to have her and get the break and support. Just don't be cruel to her - she's not done it in malice but in the best interests (in her eyes) of the baby.

Be grateful I'm sure you are but just step and away and look at it as an outsider - she's no less than you to the baby.

Chloemol · 03/08/2019 11:45

For goodness sake you have someone to look after your child you obviously cares and is doing a good job

You cares if she think the baby needs a dummy, it worked on this occasion. You don’t need to use one and mil will probably only use of infrequently. She was trying to help

Stop being to precious , grow up and be thankful she said prepared to help so so much

SciFiScream · 03/08/2019 12:00

I would have paid good money for either of my two to use a dummy. They have their place/are useful.

Your MIL sounds lovely and supportive

YABVU to react the way you did. Apologise, buy flowers, give her a hug.

Look at it another way - your baby responded to it (even temporarily) so it must have met a need your baby had at that time.

It's not like she had his ears pierced or his foot tattooed! It's completely undoable and will be forgotten by baby and all in the months and years to come!

PapaShango · 03/08/2019 12:16

Count yourself lucky for having such a generous and involved mil. You are very, very lucky to be able to have so much time away from your baby, including overnights. Pick your battles.

Also, dummies aren’t the end of the world. Older dc never took one, younger twins wanted them only at night for bed. They weaned themselves off after their first bday. It’s not like she gave your baby something dangerous

ToddlerTwinsAndUnhinged · 03/08/2019 16:21

I think you're over reacting. I do understand that you're probably worried about getting the bloody thing off of him if he becomes attached to it. But it was a one off, and they're called soothers for a reason.
She gave him a dummy, not crack, so chill out and get over it.
Is this your only child? I hope you realise how much your mil does for you, I can't imagine the freedom that you have. I'd be more grateful towards her, stop seething. Good luck with it all.

Klouise777 · 03/08/2019 16:24

Yabu she is doing you a huge favour. I wish mine would have taken a dummy do we could have left him with parents so we got nights out. He screamed all night the one time I left him, my poor mother got no sleep and we didn't get another night out. Had he taken a dummy so she could sleep and we got some much needed rest I'd have been hugely grateful. Please don't go mad at your mil

Magicmama92 · 03/08/2019 19:17

I mean I wouldn't like my mil doing something like that. But she doesn't look after my daughter as much and my daughter does have a dummy anyway. I would just say that you feel a bit undermined by it. It does seem like she looks after your baby a lot so she probably was doing what she felt was right.

Original poster
hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 19:24

Wow what a reaction! Some helpful responses, some just attacking me, some just insulting, which means you are probably one of those twitter trolls.

Anyhoot

I’m massively greatful for the support.
She has only had him Overnight without us once.
She is definitely not a comparent.

She is retired and does help out with a few night off of sleep so we are very lucky. Probably 5 nights ever.

Not complaining it’s only 5 nights but the way you go on some of you you would think I’ve dumped him on her half the time!!

I already forgave her straight away to her face and was relatively pleasant after my initial shock.

Oh and on the sleep training I just meant in the future, not now, and just about how do we encourage him to not want to feed in the night still, no Gina fording!

OP posts:
hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SteadyAreYouReady · 03/08/2019 19:31

Morons? Harsh!!

It wasn’t heroin, your baby isn’t going to want it every night now.

Your baby was comforted, your MIL slept and was able to cope, so what’s the issue.

WhatIsThis1 · 03/08/2019 19:41

Never used a dummy for 4 kids, hate them. Still think you are an unreasonable moron!

CmdrCressidaDuck · 03/08/2019 19:47

I don't use a dummy and I still think you way overreacted.

And that you think it's appropriate to "punish" another adult, ever, is pretty disturbing.

PixieLumos · 03/08/2019 19:52

Did she dip said dummy in vodka?? Otherwise I really don’t understand your reaction.

m0therofdragons · 03/08/2019 19:52

I never understood the hatred of dummies. I have 3 dc - one finger sucker, one dummy sucker and one who never sucked anything. The one who never sucked a thing has wonky teeth and the other two have very straight teeth with the dummy sucker having the straightest. Honestly, chill.

username198817 · 03/08/2019 19:56

Morons and idiots? How lovely.

You asked if you were being unreasonable. Quite clearly you are. At least be a mature adult about it, and accept that, instead of the nasty name calling.

BibbyDarling · 03/08/2019 19:58

YABU

Cuppa12345 · 03/08/2019 20:00

Hopeful8, not sure what you do for a living, but I'd work on the attitude 😂

Smurf123 · 03/08/2019 20:03

My Mil insisted my ds should use a dummy - we had actually offered him one he didn't want it. She insisted that he needed to be "taught" how to use it. That I should give him to her and in 30 mins she would have him taking it... But holding him and holding it in... Emm no way!
She lives abroad and when she came over when he was 5 months old I actually hid the dummys and the duvet (that's a while other story) she had previously sent over before I went out (her and my dh were minding ds for a few hours)
So yea I would have been mad.. But then she doesn't take him overnight and her offering it to him and him liking it I wouldn't have had an issue with. Her wanting to forcefully hold it in my ds mouth when he didn't want it that i definitely had an issue with.
But if she has apologised and said she won't do it again then I think I'd let it go.. Especially if you have never said that you didn't want him using one

Shmithecat2 · 03/08/2019 20:31

@hopeful8

I’m going to say it’s all ok and forgive and not punish.

Not punish? WTAF? You spiteful, ungratelful moo.

But make clear introducing anything new like that should never happen unless discussed with me.

That's fine. Fucking hell though, calm down

Some of you morons who say introducing a dummy to a child without parents decision is not a big deal is an idiot. Just because you chose to use one. She has apologised because it WAS wrong

I don't think it's a big deal. And my son has never had a dummy Confused

Mrsfrumble · 03/08/2019 20:31

You’re not going to “punish” her? Oh, how magnanimous of you! Hmm No adult should be “punishing” another adult, let alone a relative. Who has so generously helped you out.

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