Mother in law pre planned deception used dummy without asking

[hopeful8]

Hi all wanted to understand if I’m being unreasonable here.

So mother in law who has been really involved up to now and looked after 6 month old through night a few times, done bed routines bath etc but while we are there

A few weeks ago we trusted she knew everything and we left son with her with as we went to a wedding for a night. All went well.

This week she stayed at ours for a night and to give us a break she does the night so we can catch up on sleep.

Anyway in the morning she said she tried a dummy when he was restless. Without our permission and it worked. He has never had a dummy ever, never needed or wanted one.

The night before we even talked at length about our plans to sleep train etc. No mention of dummy.

It turns out she bought a dummy, sterilised it at home, never told us, and decided to try it.

I am furious!!!! I fee she has hugely betrayed our trust. Who does that and pre plans all that deception. It wasn’t a spur of the moment mistake.

She is now saying she is so sorry and she doesn’t know why she did it.

My partner want to forgive instantly and leave baby with her next weekend.

We have nothing booked. I don’t fee like going away. But partner thinks this will escalate if we cancel them. We were going to have one night for our anniversary.

I really am happy to make a point of it and cancel. Or even make an excuse though I’m sure it will be obvious why.

I mean that is pretty bad right what she has done? He never had a dummy, not that I’m against it, but if you don’t have to then don’t. She knew all this. She premditated /planned it.

Not just accepting apology and carrying on one week later leaving him with her again. Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced.

I Need a bit of time, I’m not saying forever.

Please tell me I’m being fair?

Have you spoken to MIL the way you have on here? I would consider apologising to her.
DH and I have had one night away to ourselves in 10 years. MIL has never helped us, doesn't so much as ask after the kids. Zero interest! Her loss, but you are very lucky.

Such a typical thread.

OP “ this happened and I’m massively cross AIBU”

95% replies “ chill it’s not a biggie “

OP “ but I’m still furious and I’m not going to listen .... where are the MN support team”

5% of replies “ well you might have a point but you are still lucky to get that help take it carefully “

I’m awaiting the OP going NC over something that the child has already forgotten.

The NHS advice is to give a dummy because it can help prevent SIDS by encouraging the baby to breathe when it stops. So by that logic I would say the dummy haters are being unreasonable.

I think you can EITHER do everything your way OR you can have nights out and leave your DC with family. You just can't do both. As your child gets older he/she will have other adults responsible for care - nursery, school etc - who won't necessarily do everything your way. And that's fine. I have known lots of ultra-routine, my way or the highway parents and they all seem bloody miserable. A bit of flexibility buys you a bit of freedom and that will make you happy (and happy relaxed parents make happy relaxed children).

FWIW I think you are misinformed about dummies. My baby was very sick and fed through tube in his nose for first through months. He had to have a dummy so that he could learn to suck. It's fine - he's 6 now and definitely untraumatised by it and doesn't use one now!!!

This is very silly. She loves your child and she loves you both enough to provide lots of free childcare. Your son is not tiny, so won’t experience nipple confusion. You are going to ruin a perfectly loving and generous relationship.

I don't think OP would be unreasonable if she wanted to say actually this shows that she isn't ready and baby is too little for overnights just yet. It's lovely to have willing babysitters but many families aren't ready to have a child away from primary caregivers overnight till they're a lot older. Perhaps this is a sign that OP isn't as comfortable with it as she thought.

I was kind of with you, until you said Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced

‘I don’t care, consequences have to be faced’

Are you her DIL who gets a lot of help from themOr are you a dictatorial leader of a scary regime? FFS- that’s unhinged

As she has him overnight once a week at least, I don’t think using a dummy to settle him on ‘her nights’ is actually unreasonable nor an unreasonable decision to have made fir & by herself

You know he isn’t going to become reliant on it, so your only issue is total vontrol over DS, right down to the completely unimportant

This is NOT a hill to die on

Oh and I’m Sure she didn’t need several nights training under your supervision to make sure ‘she knew everything’ before having him overnight. He’s a baby, she wasn’t disarming a bomb

Be careful of your ‘control issues’ or you’re going to lose a fabulous babysitter & ruin your relationship with her over Jack shit

I'm not keen on dummies, mine didn't have them but I would not of dreamt of leaving them with my mil "a few times" before 6 months! I agree that parents need to decide key things but if you are delegating childcare partly to her so young then it's different, she wanted to actually get some sleep and thought she would try it. I think you need to realise how fortunate you are to have overnight childcare rather than questioning her choice (which she now regrets)

I can imagine it's mildly irritating, so what you do is say "thanks so much for looking after DS last night, really appreciate the help, but we would rather he didn't use a dummy again". End. For your MIL to be apologetic and "doesn't know why she did it", you've obviously given her a right hammering, and all she was doing was helping you out. Poor woman, and her poor son for having been put in the position of siding with his irrational, arrogant wife, or falling out with his well-meaning mother. Over a DUMMY 🙄
My own MIL does absolutely NOTHING for our DC, never done even 1 hour childcare for us. This lady managed to raise a man you've wanted to marry, and looks after your child for free. Get over yourself.

OP clearly thinks that dummy use is the mark of an inferior baby. Would love to know how she knows her 6 month old neither "needs" nor "wants" a dummy!
I'd be more judgemental of your plans to sleep train such a young baby than dummy use.

Wow!!! You are really overreacting to this, get over it!

Definitely build a cross and nail her to it.

It's the only way she'll learn.

OP

Here's a box of grips, please take one three times a day. So a granny tried to comfort her grandchild and found that a dummy worked. It's no the end of the world.

YANBU, I'd be furious. It would be different if she'd discussed it first but the secrecy is really worrying. My DS had a dummy so not against them but I am against keeping secrets from a child's parents!

I would have hated anyone giving my child a dummy. YANBU. However, it sounds like she is doing a lot of baby minding for you and if
It helps her I'm really not sure you are in a position to be 'furious'.

Your MIL sounds like an angel tbh. She stayed at your house to let you and DH sleep??? Do you realise how lucky you are? She did something to make it a little easier for her and it obviously soothed your DC.

Maybe instead of giving her 'consequences' for something so petty and harmless, you should treat her to something nice for being such a great grandmother and MIL!

Christ. I’d let my MIL give my twins crack if it meant she’d look after them even for 5 minutes...

Kidding. Obviously. Mostly.

My twins were given dummies in nicu. All the babies in nicu got them. Once we got home they never touched them again (despite my best efforts).

It’s a dummy. Not the devil. Sleep training is more likely to be an issue but that’s your choice - if she’d done cry it out without your permission you’d have a point.

Do you recognise how much more support you have than most parents? We have disabled twins who are nearly 3, no one has ever had them overnight or helped overnight and we’ve had two nights out without them, both last year. We now have two coming up in a week (husband’s 40th and wedding anniversary). I am pathetically grateful for the three hours babysitting MIL will provide on our anniversary as she has never looked after them on her own, they’ve only met her 3 times (she lives a couple of hours away).

She was trying to help and it was misguided. Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face.

I think you need to step back and realise how lucky you are.
You are being very ungrateful.
If i was your mil i would possibly stop all the help i’d been giving you if you pulled this.
This was not preplanned and hardly a big decision.
You have a very nice mil who is happy to help you out, a lot. Concentrate on that.

Harsh.

She does loads for you and obviously cares for you all. She was probably trying to find ways to help him sleep better, she's clearly had a think about it and thought she'd try it to see if it works before telling you about it . Not everyone is anti dummies.

I never had any help at all, it lucky to have someone who you can trust to have your baby so often. How heavenly to have someone stay so you guys can have a night sleep! Appreciate all she does for you, giving your son a dummy for the night isn't a big deal, it's not like she said she would keep using it.

Send your MIL my way. You are welcome to my ILs who have never ever had my DCs for a single evening, let alone overnight, so me and DH could go out just the two of us for a meal or a couple of drinks. No anniversaries meals, no trips away, no date nights. If we go anywhere, three kids have to tag along.

You are massively entitled and unreasonable. And you don’t appreciate what you’ve got. So YAHVVU from where I’m standing.

I think she was wrong to do this without you knowing. But you have told her how you feel and it sounds like she's sorry. She sounds like a really good nan and a great support to you other than this so I think put it behind you and move on.

Christ. Please get on Amazon and bulk buy some grips. It's a dummy. It's not crack. And it's a perfectly normal thing to try when baby is in a more unfamiliar setting. Wouldn't have crossed my mind not to try giving one if I had a clean unused dummy and a baby who was less used to me and was needing help to settle. A dummy, along with blankets etc, is an entirely normal thing for family to have in their house in case baby stays - possibly bought while you were still pregnant!
Your baby is fine and your MIL sounds incredibly helpful. When my mum (who is fab but lives far away) takes the baby for me I'm so grateful I don't mind. She - shock horror- uses a different brand of nappies and had been known to put baby down to sleep in a different way than how I do it. My baby is fine and it's far more important that she has a good relationship with grandma.

Jeez some MILs can't catch a break.

I don't see the issue. She was able to settle baby - safely. Think yourselves lucky you have such a generous MIL to let you both catch up on some sleep. If you don't agree with the dummy then just mention that you'd rather not next time -but if someone was doing me a favour, I would let it go and let her use the dummy. All this punishment rubbish is ridiculous.

I would be slightly annoyed that she hadnt asked, however I think its a minor thing, shes apologised and for all the help she gives you I think you would be cutting your nose off to spite your face to make an issue out of this.

Oh my Christ that's horrendous!!!!

Who do you think will play you all in the movie?