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Original poster

Mother in law pre planned deception used dummy without asking

221 replies

hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 10:00

Hi all wanted to understand if I’m being unreasonable here.

So mother in law who has been really involved up to now and looked after 6 month old through night a few times, done bed routines bath etc but while we are there

A few weeks ago we trusted she knew everything and we left son with her with as we went to a wedding for a night. All went well.

This week she stayed at ours for a night and to give us a break she does the night so we can catch up on sleep.

Anyway in the morning she said she tried a dummy when he was restless. Without our permission and it worked. He has never had a dummy ever, never needed or wanted one.

The night before we even talked at length about our plans to sleep train etc. No mention of dummy.

It turns out she bought a dummy, sterilised it at home, never told us, and decided to try it.

I am furious!!!! I fee she has hugely betrayed our trust. Who does that and pre plans all that deception. It wasn’t a spur of the moment mistake.

She is now saying she is so sorry and she doesn’t know why she did it.

My partner want to forgive instantly and leave baby with her next weekend.

We have nothing booked. I don’t fee like going away. But partner thinks this will escalate if we cancel them. We were going to have one night for our anniversary.

I really am happy to make a point of it and cancel. Or even make an excuse though I’m sure it will be obvious why.

I mean that is pretty bad right what she has done? He never had a dummy, not that I’m against it, but if you don’t have to then don’t. She knew all this. She premditated /planned it.

Not just accepting apology and carrying on one week later leaving him with her again. Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced.

I Need a bit of time, I’m not saying forever.

Please tell me I’m being fair?

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 03/08/2019 20:43

After the initial shock?

Quite honestly this would come way down the list of anything that would have the ability to shock me.

I was beaten and abused as a child from a very early age - that is the kind of thing you should be "shocked" about not a flipping dummy that someone gave your baby just the once.

You sound incredibly brittle.

Krisskrosskiss · 03/08/2019 20:50

I can understand you need to have a bit of time to get over your anger and that's okay. I'd be angry to. My mum gave my baby a risk when I had asked her not to once, it was my first baby and i was furious... just the concept of it, that i couldn't trust her to look after my son how i wanted so that i didnt have to worry.... i forgave her though because she loves my son. She didnt really mean any harm. If you think your mil doesnt really mean any harm I'd forgive her. It doesnt sound like she constantly undermines you or anything. Shes seen you are angry and apologised so I'd give her another chance. Maybe just have a heart to heart with her and say that you are anxious about the welfare of your child and it would really help you to know that whomever looks after your child will do so in the way that you want. Tell her you would be unable to relax if you didnt trust this was going to happen. I think appealing to her better nature and guilt might work better than punishing her in anger and not letting her have the child to prove a point. It sounds like she is an asset to have as childcare in general so I'd not sour the relationship tbh unless it was a serious issue li3ke she had repeatedly ignored your wishes.

MashedSpud · 03/08/2019 20:51

It’s a dummy, she didn’t get the kid inoculated behind your back.

Krisskrosskiss · 03/08/2019 20:51

I meant rusk not risk sorry!

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 03/08/2019 20:52

I would find this very very upsetting OP because I believe that dummy usage has teeth and speech implications, and also has to be weaned off once they get used to having one. For that reason I never chose to give my baby a dummy and would feel like I had been stomped all over.

SallyWD · 03/08/2019 20:54

Your MIL sounds lovely - kind and helpful. She probably just thought it was worth a try to see if it helped your baby and had NO IDEA how strongly you'd feel about this. Don't be harsh with her. She was only trying to help and you're lucky to have such a MIL.

Krisskrosskiss · 03/08/2019 20:56

I think posters are being a bit harsh on the op here... have you forgotten how anxious you were about your first baby when they were born? You do get uptight. Its natural. I used to obsess about the room temperature over my first who was born in a really hot summer. My dad once went and shut the window in the babys room and I went mental at him... actually called him a shit! Because the thermometer went over what was considered safe (which I cant even bloody remember now lol) ... you need to know you can trust people to look after your child in the way you want when you leave them otherwise you spend the while time worrying...
I'm on my second child now and I'd not stress over a dummy or a rusk any more when I would certainly have with my first!!!
It's hard letting someone else look after the most precious thing to you in your life, a being for whom you have absolute responsibility... when it's the first time you are going through that it's quite stressful... and when you think you cant trust someone to care for your child you do get very stressed

sweetiepie1979 · 03/08/2019 20:56

You get all that help from her!!! She sounds great ! Your really lucky ok you don’t want her to use a dummy tell her not to and move on. She must be so confused that she gives you all this help support and love for the child and then made a decision that she wasn’t allowed to make the ooor woman must be frazzled yes you are seriously being unreasonable be more grateful!

IScreamForIceCreams · 03/08/2019 21:00

Wow, your MIL sounds incredibly helpful looking after your DS, yeah, she slipped up on the dummy, but move on I'd say.

sweetiepie1979 · 03/08/2019 21:01

Also you asked a question don’t call people morons that’s rude that’s really rude you sound an awful wee silly girl!

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 03/08/2019 21:03

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. Get over yourself and get a grip! Yes she should probably not have done that but it’s not a huge deal, she’s said sorry and she looks after your child overnight !!! You are so lucky !!!

Ginger1982 · 03/08/2019 21:03

You're being ridiculous. You're bloody lucky to have someone giving you so many nights off. If you need a few days to calm down then you need help.

Just don't use one from now on. What's the big deal?

Singlenotsingle · 03/08/2019 21:05

Poor MIL! She helps you SO MUCH and this is how you repay her! And what's wrong with a dummy anyway? The other name for them is a soother, or comforter. You are being totally unreasonable and should get down on your knees and beg forgiveness! Shock

bumblenbean · 03/08/2019 21:24

There’s only one person being moronic in this situation and it’s not PP’s (or your MIL).

Seriously OP, wind your neck in. Your MIL has kindly looked after your baby overnight on several occasions. She gave him a dummy once, she’s said She won’t do it again and you’re still fuming and banging on about it. Incredibly ungrateful and precious. If you’re prepared to sleep train I cannot understand this massive overreaction to a one-off dummy use.

There are going to Be much bigger things to worry about as a mother. If you’re so horrified by your MIL’s approach to childcare maybe you should pay someone to do it and then you can give them a blow-by-blow list of acceptable actions Hmm

Rarfy · 03/08/2019 21:30

I think you mils intentions were good. It sounds like baby is still up a lot through the night if you regularly need overnight help to catch up on your sleep.

She probably thought a dummy might solve all your problems and from what she has said she might be right.

I wouldn't worry too much, one night with a dummy won't make your baby a dummy fiend. But maybe give it a try yourself and see what you think?

converseandjeans · 03/08/2019 21:30

You're lucky you have someone prepared to come stay over and do night wakings. Plus overnight at hers so you can go out. We never had this level of support.
You are being completely OTT - just don't give him a dummy again.
As others have said you need to pick your battles! Your MIL sounds lovely.

carly2803 · 03/08/2019 21:31

id be pretty pissed off but pick your battles. This isnt a battle to fight.

Let it go an calmly explain why you do not expect to ever see that dummy again.??

Mum2jenny · 03/08/2019 21:38

I never used dummies with my dc and would have been exceptionally pissed off if my dm or dmil ever gave dummies to my dc.
Fortunately it never happened as I’d have had to exclude them from any care of the dc as I couldn’t have trusted them.
OP- you know you need to make it clear that you do not want your dc to be offered dummies under any situation if it bothers you that much.

doodleygirl · 03/08/2019 21:39

No, I am not a troll just someone who thinks you need to give your head a great big wobble.

Your have a lovely MIL who offers so much support and you want to punish her. You are obviously one of “those DIL” get a grip and don’t be so bloody nasty!

Gooseysgirl · 03/08/2019 21:41

I've no issue with dummies in babyhood... however when I had my PFB I was dead against them initially, and in the fog of post-natal hormones and finding my way as a new mum, I'm ashamed to say I went nuts at my own DM for even suggesting a dummy! If she had given a dummy when I wasn't there I would have been apoplectic. BUT older and wiser me (two kids, now 7 and 5)** can see that my reaction was totally over the top... Your MIL sounds lovely, I would try to move on from this and maybe surprise her with some flowers. We've had one night away from our kids in 7.5 years, do not put this woman off!!!

nomushrooms · 03/08/2019 21:41

Mine doesn’t have a dummy (mainly because she sees them as toys), but TBH I’d be more upset if my MIL had left my baby to cry than got hold of something that comforted them.

Watfrordmummy · 03/08/2019 21:45
Biscuit
Cloverisover · 03/08/2019 21:47

YABU and unpleasant

AllFourOfThem · 03/08/2019 21:47

One day OP you will look back on this and be embarrassed by your reaction.

Try to remember that your baby prefers to be with you most of all and knows when you are not there to provide comfort so if on that occasion a dummy has allowed him to settle, isn’t that preferable?

Biancadelrioisback · 03/08/2019 22:01

Yikes!
I really dislike dummies. Really dislike them. They look so ugly!
Still bought one and tried DS with it numerous times when he was tiny and restless. He never took it but would I have minded if MIL or DM tried him with one without me? Yes of course I would be. I wanted to be the first person who he tried anything with! Especially on maternity leave when I was with him all the time. Nowadays, he has new experience without me on a daily basis! I'm happy he's happy and loved. And if my parents or PIL have to try new things to get him to behave or whatever, as long as he isn't in danger they can crack on!

It's called perspective OP. Rn it seems like a MASSIVE deal, but in a few months/years you won't care one jot.

Also, you're coming across like a twat. And no, I don't have Twitter.