Mother in law pre planned deception used dummy without asking

[hopeful8]

Hi all wanted to understand if I’m being unreasonable here.

So mother in law who has been really involved up to now and looked after 6 month old through night a few times, done bed routines bath etc but while we are there

A few weeks ago we trusted she knew everything and we left son with her with as we went to a wedding for a night. All went well.

This week she stayed at ours for a night and to give us a break she does the night so we can catch up on sleep.

Anyway in the morning she said she tried a dummy when he was restless. Without our permission and it worked. He has never had a dummy ever, never needed or wanted one.

The night before we even talked at length about our plans to sleep train etc. No mention of dummy.

It turns out she bought a dummy, sterilised it at home, never told us, and decided to try it.

I am furious!!!! I fee she has hugely betrayed our trust. Who does that and pre plans all that deception. It wasn’t a spur of the moment mistake.

She is now saying she is so sorry and she doesn’t know why she did it.

My partner want to forgive instantly and leave baby with her next weekend.

We have nothing booked. I don’t fee like going away. But partner thinks this will escalate if we cancel them. We were going to have one night for our anniversary.

I really am happy to make a point of it and cancel. Or even make an excuse though I’m sure it will be obvious why.

I mean that is pretty bad right what she has done? He never had a dummy, not that I’m against it, but if you don’t have to then don’t. She knew all this. She premditated /planned it.

Not just accepting apology and carrying on one week later leaving him with her again. Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced.

I Need a bit of time, I’m not saying forever.

Please tell me I’m being fair?

I used a dummy when DD3 was born prematurely with no sucking reflex, which meant she had to be tube fed initially. The dummy was on the advice of the paediatricians and midwives in the SCBU where she was being cared for because it would probably help develop her ability to suck and therefore to feed.

I am not a moron, nor am I unintelligent.

It's a dummy. Hardly child abuse.

Yes, it would have been better if she had asked, but I really couldn't get too het up over it.

Your MIL sounds like a lovely, caring person. You are very lucky to have her. I hope if you did press the nuclear button and seriously upset her over such a minor issue that you have now given an unreserved and sincere apology.

Don't be vindictive and cancel all other planned nights away. That would be cutting off your nose to spite your face, especially as it does sound as though you and your DH have been very happy with her childcare until now, and have looked forward to and enjoyed these overnights.

Honestly, I think that in years ( or even just months) to come you will look back on this and see how utterly unimportant it was. Your child certainly won't even remember it.

Sometimes you look back on your own reactions and think "OMG, did I really behave like such an arse over something so inconsequential. CRINGE!!!". This is likely to be one of those.

Relax a bit more.

This has to be made up right?!
If not, then you are a total brat. She has looked after YOUR child throughout the night, helped out so YOU can go out and have fun! And you want to make a point over this! Ha! It's totally laughable! What a joke! If you told me this at a play group I would avoid you like the plague! Get a life and hey, look after your own child

YABVU.

My kid is 9 and my parents have never had them overnight.

Grow up.

Start being more careful how you speak. Your implication that those of us who wouldn't have an issue with this and had no issue with dummies are morons and unintelligent is rather insulting.

We aren't.

You are having a totally OTT reaction to your baby being given a dummy ONCE.

You clearly state you have no general issue with dummies. So why the huge kick off ? It's no different to giving a feed fgs !

I understand that you think she has had this huge deception planned, but unless she has previous for riding roughshod over your and DP wishes, then I don't think this was the case at all !

More likely the poor (extremely helpful and supportive) woman simply forgot to mention it, she may have gotten it when DGC was born and only thought about trying it when DGC was difficult to settle. It doesn't take long to sterilise fgs.

Get over your tantrum and have a nice, normal, friendly chat with her.

She's bent over backwards to apologise and clearly didn't think you'd mind or she'd never have told you in the first place, would she ?

Tell her nicely what your wishes are regarding DC, and I'm quite sure she'll do whatever you ask.

She's been a great support to you both and you'll regret it if you alienate her.

Meh, baby probably doesn't even remember it by now, so they won't not settle at all without one.

And anyway, what should she have used otherwise?

Because people (the majority) don't agree with you doesn't mean they are not intelligent.
You are just a very horrible person.

God just tell her you'd rather she didn't use a dummy again. No she shouldn't have without checking but she's apologised so I'm not sure what more you want from her tbh.

Gosh yes you're massively over reacting. I don't suppose it was "pre meditated" in the way you think, she probably just thought she would try it. She's clearly helping you a lot at night and I would be grateful! It would be different if you'd expressed a clear dislike for dummies and that you absolutely didn't want to use one. But you didn't.

At least a few intelligent people have admitted they would have been annoyed too but are right that I should just let this go

Are you seriously trying to insinuate that only intelligent people would be annoyed ?

Is this what you're actually trying to say? I think we all get you're unwell. But in this it becomes even more concerning for your mental health.

A dummy is a dummy

If it’s helps your dc then it does, why be harsh about it?

I dislike them in general but if it makes PIL’s life easier then I won’t begrudge that as they are doing us major favours

Also - children do stop. It’s no big deal

The vast majority of kids use dummies. It's no big deal, it gives them comfort. What's rhe big deal in making your kid go without? Why do you feel the need to deny your child that comfort?

It's not like she's adding brandy to your kids bottle. She's giving your child something that comforts. And does no harm if managed correctly. Why do you wish to deny your child this? What's the issue here?

I'd wonder if you've got so far into reading weird shit on line, you've lost sight of what's important. Your child's comfort.

I agree with you that it’s not ideal that she tried a dummy without speaking to you first. However she is giving you a lot of help, far far more than I have received from my MIL in 11 years. As a result she probably feels entitled to use her common sense when helping you with him. My MIL, on the one night she has ever had my children, needed hour by hour written instructions on what to feed them, when to give them a drink, when to put them in bed (she asked for them because she doesnt know her GC well at all).
If you want full control of every parenting decision I think you need to do 100% of the parenting. If you have a lot of help then you need to accept some degree of compromise. Personally I think children benefit from a loving and involved extended family far more than they lose by the occasional less-than-ideal decision.

I suspect OP has gone. She didn't get the 100% validation she was seeking. She threw a further massive tantrum and has now succeeded in alienating the majority of us here with her insinuation that people who disagree with her are unintelligent.

Nice own goal there.

Get over it, it’s not a big deal

My mil took ds3s dummy off him while she had him for a week while I was in hospital

It was a bloody ballache because it helped settle him and once I got home he refused it and didn’t settle 🙄

I’ve never said anything to her about it

The vast majority of kids use dummies. It's no big deal, it gives them comfort. What's rhe big deal in making your kid go without? Why do you feel the need to deny your child that comfort?

Do the vast majority of kids really use dummies? I didn't really want to use dummies for my children as I'd heard how difficult it was to wean them off it when older sometimes and they can cause issues with teeth. We did try with one of our children but it didn't really work. Parents do have the right to make that choice and I do think the MIL was wrong to do it without mentioning it to OP.

The MIL sounds lovely and helpful other than this incident though so as I said earlier I'd would just forget it and move forward.

It isn't always hard to wean kids off dummies. Some kids are hard, others are not.

All three of mine lost interest in dummies by themselves after just a few weeks. The only problem I had was with DD1 when she was about a year old and crawling. She didn't want a dummy of her own and always refused it. She did, however, want the dummies other babies were sucking. I had to be right on the ball with her at baby and toddler groups as she would set off at a cracking pace and nick the dummies right out of their mouths.

In the kindest way possible, is this your first child?

^^

Bloody Nora you sound hard peddle op

It's hard when you're in the baby zone especially a first to see the big picture but do try. Your son has another person in his life that loves him unconditionally and who supports his parents. This is fucking priceless. She probably thought she'd prepare herself with everything she could possibly need to soothe your child - because she loves him. This wasn't an act of subterfuge. This was an act of love.

Not just accepting apology and carrying on one week later leaving him with her again. Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced. I Need a bit of time, I’m not saying forever.

Fuck. Me. You couldn't make this up! Poor mil!!

I think it's rubbish she done that but it's done and you are lucky she is watching them so much and you are overreacting when you say " "consequences have to be paid." There are bigger things to worry about in the world. Accept her apology and let her develop a relationship with her grandchild and on the back of it just make sure you are assertive and say you don't want a dummy tried again unless you say it's ok.