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Original poster

Mother in law pre planned deception used dummy without asking

221 replies

hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 10:00

Hi all wanted to understand if I’m being unreasonable here.

So mother in law who has been really involved up to now and looked after 6 month old through night a few times, done bed routines bath etc but while we are there

A few weeks ago we trusted she knew everything and we left son with her with as we went to a wedding for a night. All went well.

This week she stayed at ours for a night and to give us a break she does the night so we can catch up on sleep.

Anyway in the morning she said she tried a dummy when he was restless. Without our permission and it worked. He has never had a dummy ever, never needed or wanted one.

The night before we even talked at length about our plans to sleep train etc. No mention of dummy.

It turns out she bought a dummy, sterilised it at home, never told us, and decided to try it.

I am furious!!!! I fee she has hugely betrayed our trust. Who does that and pre plans all that deception. It wasn’t a spur of the moment mistake.

She is now saying she is so sorry and she doesn’t know why she did it.

My partner want to forgive instantly and leave baby with her next weekend.

We have nothing booked. I don’t fee like going away. But partner thinks this will escalate if we cancel them. We were going to have one night for our anniversary.

I really am happy to make a point of it and cancel. Or even make an excuse though I’m sure it will be obvious why.

I mean that is pretty bad right what she has done? He never had a dummy, not that I’m against it, but if you don’t have to then don’t. She knew all this. She premditated /planned it.

Not just accepting apology and carrying on one week later leaving him with her again. Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced.

I Need a bit of time, I’m not saying forever.

Please tell me I’m being fair?

OP posts:
WhatIsThis1 · 03/08/2019 10:17

I get that it is annoying but in the scheme of things it's not the end of the world. I would imagine the "pre-planned deception" was actually a plan of what to do if she couldn't settle the baby and needed something. It's hard looking after someone else's baby overnight and can be daunting as ultimately baby will want the people it's used to, mum and dad, and she would be worried about coping with the baby being upset. Would you rather baby was upset?
Take a step back and get some perspective, yes it feels like a big deal now but as your child gets older you will realise that you can't control every little thing.
She knows you object and will probably not do it again, but if you think having an occasional dummy is more important than his relationship with his grandparents then stop unsupervised contact.

Beautiful3 · 03/08/2019 10:18

Another one here jealous of your lovely mil. Wish I had one. Think it's a massive over reaction on your part.

Fleetheart · 03/08/2019 10:19

Crikey. Talk about mountain out a molehill. Chill out.

TillyTheTiger · 03/08/2019 10:19

Do you have any idea how lucky you are? My son is 3yo and nobody has ever had him overnight to give me and DH a break - your MIL sounds fabulous.
Ideally she wouldn't have introduced something like a dummy without checking with you first and I could see how that would be a bit irritating, but it sounds like she realises she overstepped and won't do something like that again. I really don't think there's a need to potentially damage your relationship with her or limit the childcare she very kindly offers.

GreyTS · 03/08/2019 10:20

Yeah, I think (hope) this is one of those things that you'll look back at like 🤦‍♀️ I imagine she was worried about settling the baby and this was her back up. Please don't ruin your relationship over something that really doesn't matter in the greater scheme of things

ChoudeBruxelles · 03/08/2019 10:22

Yabu. She’s doing you a favour and trying to settle the baby.

teachermam · 03/08/2019 10:22

Jesus it's not like she pre planned to poison the baby
It's a dummy
She did it
You told her off
She's sorry
Move on

Not a big deal

teachermam · 03/08/2019 10:23

And no dummy no dummy not a big decision

MrsMozartMkII · 03/08/2019 10:24

Goodness me! That's one heck of an overreaction lass.

Oh to have had someone come and do the odd night shift, and to show that level of interest.

Even if I an projecting I stil think it was a massive overreaction.

Instagran · 03/08/2019 10:24

Your poor MIL! It sounds like she is helping you out lots with the baby.

My dc didn't have dummies but I don't see the problem. She gave him a dummy not cocaine and it was a one off. Apologise to MIL and buy her some flowers to say thank you and show that you appreciate her.

DaisyDando · 03/08/2019 10:25

No one has ever had my four year old over night. He didn’t have a dummy, but I was a snobbish-sleepless fool. I’m still sleep deprived. Maybe you are, which is why you’re overreacting a bit.

Mummoomoocow · 03/08/2019 10:26

Did you tell her you never wanted to use a dummy?

Did you tell her to check such things with you first before doing them?

Can you imagine any other type of situation that’s comparable to this one where you fear she’d make the same decision without you?

Yabvu. She didn’t make a big parenting decision. She hardly made a parenting decision at all. It’s just a dummy, I don’t use them or like them but even so if someone had done the same to mine I would only worry whether she had sterilised it properly.

You’ve told her don’t again, you’ve told her why, now she won’t do it and you want to withhold her grandchild? Well I mean if you really don’t like the free childcare...

Freneticfrenzy · 03/08/2019 10:26

I don't think dummy is a big parental choice.

I would equate it to her putting baby in a pram, sling, swing or bouncer to soothe an unsettled baby. Baby would beome reliant on the dummy if used occasionally with grandmother. And I think it
would be better than having a distressed and unsettled baby.

Big parenting decisions include when to use formula (unless there is no breastmilk left and baby needs feeding obviously) when to wean, and first weaning foods. Also haircuts and ears piercing. And cio, controlled crying and sleep training.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/08/2019 10:27

Dummy/no dummy , is a big decision and parent only have that right

Only if you have zero sense of proportion.

Freneticfrenzy · 03/08/2019 10:27

Baby would not become reliant

Original poster
hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 10:27

Hmmmmm seems like you all think I’m over reacting.... to put it mildly.

Well this is why I asked. I am greatful of the help she provides.

Still think it’s totally wrong to do that. If you didn’t know the parents weren’t using one than fair enough but she knew.

Hmm I’ll see if I can calm over it a few days

OP posts:
icanthelpyou · 03/08/2019 10:29

Mine did this 🙄 although it was in the day not at bed, and my DH was there and in agreement. I was irritated, they knew it. I kept up with the dummy for about three weeks, it didn't provide comfort for DD. She was of the if it doesn't give milk what's the point view I think! So dummy went.

It's annoying but it doesnt mean your baby now depends on it.

TheBabyAteMyBrain · 03/08/2019 10:29

Chill out! It's a dummy, once. She's apologised, why make her feel worse? If you give your child to someone else to care for you have to understand that they won't always do what you would. Be grateful you have the help and a loving grandmother to your child.

itsboiledeggsagain · 03/08/2019 10:29

If you want complete control then do accept so much help. People do what they think is best. It sounds like your mil is very involved.

doodlejump1980 · 03/08/2019 10:29

In the kindest way possible, is this your first child?

Original poster
hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 10:30

I’m annoyed about going behind our back and not saying “ I might try a dummy” or “can I try a dummy”

I’m not worried he now needs one because he doesn’t.

It’s the principle!

OP posts:
Original poster
hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 10:31

Yes

OP posts:
Sandybval · 03/08/2019 10:31

Sounds like she does a lot to be honest, and although I can see why you're upset I would weigh it up against all of the support she gives before deciding you want to distance yourself. What does your DH think?

Boobahs · 03/08/2019 10:33

I would be pissed off as well. It's not her decision to make and she should have checked first.

Rainbowknickers · 03/08/2019 10:33

I wish my ex mil would have had mine overnight when they where little (my mother too for that matter)
I was that tired they could have iv bagged them crack and I wouldn’t have noticed
Mil’s are not mind readers and tread a very fine when it comes to the parents rules
They also have brought their kids up in very different times but they turned out ok
I’d pick your battles-she won’t do it again

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