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Original poster

Mother in law pre planned deception used dummy without asking

221 replies

hopeful8 · 03/08/2019 10:00

Hi all wanted to understand if I’m being unreasonable here.

So mother in law who has been really involved up to now and looked after 6 month old through night a few times, done bed routines bath etc but while we are there

A few weeks ago we trusted she knew everything and we left son with her with as we went to a wedding for a night. All went well.

This week she stayed at ours for a night and to give us a break she does the night so we can catch up on sleep.

Anyway in the morning she said she tried a dummy when he was restless. Without our permission and it worked. He has never had a dummy ever, never needed or wanted one.

The night before we even talked at length about our plans to sleep train etc. No mention of dummy.

It turns out she bought a dummy, sterilised it at home, never told us, and decided to try it.

I am furious!!!! I fee she has hugely betrayed our trust. Who does that and pre plans all that deception. It wasn’t a spur of the moment mistake.

She is now saying she is so sorry and she doesn’t know why she did it.

My partner want to forgive instantly and leave baby with her next weekend.

We have nothing booked. I don’t fee like going away. But partner thinks this will escalate if we cancel them. We were going to have one night for our anniversary.

I really am happy to make a point of it and cancel. Or even make an excuse though I’m sure it will be obvious why.

I mean that is pretty bad right what she has done? He never had a dummy, not that I’m against it, but if you don’t have to then don’t. She knew all this. She premditated /planned it.

Not just accepting apology and carrying on one week later leaving him with her again. Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced.

I Need a bit of time, I’m not saying forever.

Please tell me I’m being fair?

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 03/08/2019 22:09

I agree it's up to the parents whether a child has a dummy. Personally I don't like dummies and would have been annoyed if anyone gave one to my children when they were babies. But your mother in law does seem to look after your baby a lot! Maybe she finds the broken nights difficult and the dummy to makes it easier for her. Babies are exhausting and even more tiring as you get older.

saraclara · 03/08/2019 22:27

Poor MIL. Going by how she grovelled (despite doing nothing actually wrong), I bet she went home and sobbed.

If you'd said that you didn't want your baby to have a dummy, you'd have a point. But she didn't know that, and faced with a possible broken night, (and it's far harder to soothe a six-month-old when you're not the parent) she used her initiative.

You saying that you were going to do sleep training and your baby having a dummy, aren't mutually exclusive. My eldest had a dummy and we sleep trained (only briefly - it was 30 years ago, what can I say? I'd never do it now having learned more about it)

FactoryEmblem · 03/08/2019 22:30

I think you're really entitled OP.

I have never left either of my DC with anyone overnight - they are nearly 7 and 3. I don't expect family to provide childcare. At a few months old, they were feeding through the night and needed me only.

If you are getting this much help with a small baby, then a dummy is neither here nor there.

AuchAyeTheNo · 03/08/2019 22:35

Sorry but it’s a dummy. It’s not like she poisoned your child. Funny’s a not a big deal and can bring comfort to some children.

I rarely say this to people who aren’t me but you are being unreasonable.

Mummyoftwo91 · 03/08/2019 23:00

Oh get over it, your lucky you even have a baby sitter let alone one who seems to adore your child, if I was your mil I'd be upset by your reaction

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 03/08/2019 23:10

You sound vile, are you usually this hysterical over such non-issues? You've made this so much bigger than it ever needed to be. All this talk of pre-planned deception you sound fucking unhinged.

I actually feel for your mother in law, I seriously hope she reigns back all the free help she's given you as you clearly do not deserve it.

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 03/08/2019 23:14

Some of you morons who say introducing a dummy to a child without parents decision is not a big deal is an idiot.

There is only one moron and an idiot here and it's YOU. You ungrateful entitled poor excuse of a person.

You asked if you were being unreasonable and got your answers, fortunately most people here are very reasonable and kind and they do not condone your disgusting attitude. If you cannot handle opposing views then don't make threads.

You really need to address your attitude and behaviour, it is rotten.

Singlenotsingle · 03/08/2019 23:19

This reply has been deleted

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Rosehassometoes · 03/08/2019 23:25

I think your MIL was out of order. I’d have been really cross too.

Thoughtlessinengland · 03/08/2019 23:46

Threads like this make my heart sink when I realise I have a DS and will possibly be a MIL one day. “Not Punish”? Wow.

Thoughtlessinengland · 03/08/2019 23:47

Also having some doubts about the incendiary tone of the OP’s posts......

MadameButterface · 03/08/2019 23:56

I hope when your ds grows up he marries and has children with a woman just like you op

:)

ZazieTheCat · 03/08/2019 23:59

Looks like you’ve already spat the dummy out.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 04/08/2019 00:05

OP you've behaved really poorly. To your MIL and on here.

The kind part of me would suggest seeing your GP about PND, because your reactions aren't proportionate.

Suebnm · 04/08/2019 00:11

I take it you and your boyfriend have forgiven your boyfriends mum so you can go away for your anniversary?

isitfridayyet1 · 04/08/2019 00:15

Gosh you sound totally ungrateful. Don't ask her to look after your baby again then, after all he's only 6 months old. It's crazy how quickly some parents think they are entitled to having a social life back after having a child then moan about the carer giving their child a dummy.
To be fair babies of that age often only settle for mum or dad so maybe your mother in law was at her wits end!! Wow, just wow!

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 04/08/2019 00:22

'Only' about five nights in six months?

You say you are grateful but you clearly have no idea how lucky you are. This kind of help and care with nights is not the norm.

To damage your relationship with a MIL who is clearly prepared to go the extra mile over something as mi or as one night's use of a dummy is ludicrous. Dummies should be used with care but they are not dangerous when used for one night!

I'm not a moron, thank you. That's a really offensive and outdated term.

Re read what people have said here and calm down.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2019 00:25

I’m going to say it’s all ok and forgive and not punish
We're you gonna put her over your knee and spank her or put her on the naughty step for an hour? Sounds ore like you've realised @hopeful8 that if you stop her having your DS it's actually you that will suffer. On average one night a month at 6 months where you get to sleep through, plus this coming WEEKEND away, and then one for DH's birthday. I'd be bloody grateful and pick your battles. Or ye her no more overnights at all and you can do it all yourself with no catch up sleeps and no weekends off just cos you fancy it

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2019 00:36

We've had one overnight babysitting in 8 YEARS!

Mammyloveswine · 04/08/2019 00:42

I get no help overnight, never have.

Your mil sounds amazing!!

fortifiedwithtea · 04/08/2019 00:57

Not read whole thread but responses on page 7 seem consistent with page 1. I am very surprised how this thread is going.

I’m with the OP on this one. I would have completely lost my shit.. Neither my DC ever had a dummy. It looks ugly, unhygienic and at some point you have to go through the angst of giving it up .

I think it was sneaky of MIL . She bought and sterilised a dummy . There was no discussion about whether she could try a dummy. I would feel upset and undermined.

However, one night won’t form a habit. MIL knows how the OP feels about dummies now. Draw a line and move on. I wouldn’t cancel your plans.

Dillydallyingthrough · 04/08/2019 02:53

OP Im sitting on the fence on this one.

I chose not to use dummies with DD and I would have been upset if someone had given her one. I think what would have upset me most was the fact that she bought it and sterilised it the day before. She could have said in the evening, she'd brought it as she thought it may settle him but didn't.

But on the other hand it wasn't anything dangerous or put your baby at risk. So I would say to MIL that you would like anything new to be run past you and forget about it.

Biancadelrioisback · 04/08/2019 07:40

Tbf OP, I'd have sympathised with you a lot more if you posted differently. You come across as a foot stomping toddler throwing around insults because people don't agree with you.
The actual issue here, i could have agreed with you on. Your MIL did something behind your back that she knew you and your DH didn't want. That would have been wrong. However, it does sound like she is giving you loads of help, getting little in return and the threat of 'punishment' if she does something wrong...

slipperywhensparticus · 04/08/2019 07:45

My mil had my daughter overnight once she is 19 my mother had her for a couple of nights when I had my son and she was 8

c24680 · 04/08/2019 08:14

I understand what your saying, my daughter has a dummy strictly at nap times and night time came home one day after being in work and my husband had let her have it all day because it was the only thing that would settle, I was furious! I managed daily without it!!!

Anyway one night won't harm but still you didn't want him to have it.

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