Mother in law pre planned deception used dummy without asking

[hopeful8]

Hi all wanted to understand if I’m being unreasonable here.

So mother in law who has been really involved up to now and looked after 6 month old through night a few times, done bed routines bath etc but while we are there

A few weeks ago we trusted she knew everything and we left son with her with as we went to a wedding for a night. All went well.

This week she stayed at ours for a night and to give us a break she does the night so we can catch up on sleep.

Anyway in the morning she said she tried a dummy when he was restless. Without our permission and it worked. He has never had a dummy ever, never needed or wanted one.

The night before we even talked at length about our plans to sleep train etc. No mention of dummy.

It turns out she bought a dummy, sterilised it at home, never told us, and decided to try it.

I am furious!!!! I fee she has hugely betrayed our trust. Who does that and pre plans all that deception. It wasn’t a spur of the moment mistake.

She is now saying she is so sorry and she doesn’t know why she did it.

My partner want to forgive instantly and leave baby with her next weekend.

We have nothing booked. I don’t fee like going away. But partner thinks this will escalate if we cancel them. We were going to have one night for our anniversary.

I really am happy to make a point of it and cancel. Or even make an excuse though I’m sure it will be obvious why.

I mean that is pretty bad right what she has done? He never had a dummy, not that I’m against it, but if you don’t have to then don’t. She knew all this. She premditated /planned it.

Not just accepting apology and carrying on one week later leaving him with her again. Here and his grandad are looking forward to it but I don’t care, consequences have to be faced.

I Need a bit of time, I’m not saying forever.

Please tell me I’m being fair?

I'm normally with the op on these type of threads because I'm quite pfb with mine, but my immediate reaction was that you were being unreasonable.

You haven't given us a great deal of background info but she sounds a decent woman, and apologised straight away and I'm sure she would be very upset if you cancel on her out of principal. I'm sure she wouldn't try it again after she upset you.

Easy solution to this.

Don’t use her for childcare.

Would you prefer that?

I agree she sounds involved as she has the child alot.

Still think it’s totally wrong to do that. cool, so why ask us? If you didn’t know the parents weren’t using one than fair enough but she knew.
Does it actually matter though?

Hmm I’ll see if I can calm over it a few days wtf "ill see if i can calm" you have issues.

I think you've lost your fucking mind.

Get a grip. You have been ridiculous, and you've got the poor woman - who was doing you a pretty big fucking favour, unless you left out the part where you paid her night nanny rates - cravenly apologising to you like she dropped your baby out a window or fed it heroin.

You're being massively OTT.

You are so lucky to have so much help and support. I'd focus on that. Yes it wasn't ideal what she did but flippen heck this woman is getting up in the night to your kid so you can sleep! She sounds like a bloody angel and if you don't want her please send her my way.

Another one here saying you are massively overreacting and making a total idiot of yourself in the process. Sorry, I know that's really harsh but I feel it needs saying so that you won't alienate friends and family by acting this way again in the future.

Even things like 'I'll see if I can calm [down]' are making you come across very badly.

Has she maybe your had your DC and they've been really unsettled before?

It's a dummy. It was a one off and wont do any harm.

Sounds great to have someone so willing to look after your lovely baby.

I'd say if your comfortable then see if she still wants to babysit but reinforce again that you do not want a dummy. Plus it's a bonus she told you. She did not lie to you.

Did she know you'd deliberately decided against? If so it's concerning because she's deliberately overridden your decision and you don't know what other decisions she might override (leaving to cry, just a bit of baby rice to fill his tummy etc).
Hopefully it's more a case of her not realising it was a decision not to so much as a "we don't have a garlic crusher, we just use a knife", where it just happens you haven't got one/felt the need to try one.
Fwiw, we didn't do dummies but wished we had, lot easier to take away than thumbs when they're 3,4... 8,9 and it's visibly affecting their adult teeth.

I wouldn’t be happy either, however as she’s been unbelievably helpful hitherto, I’d talk to her once more, calmly, and say you appreciate how much she is doing for you both, but to avoid any angst in the future, you just want to make sure that she agrees that things like changes to diet, new foods or drinks, haircuts/ trims, dummy/ car seats need to be run by you and DH.
I didn’t give mine dummies for a number of reasons, I’d have been annoyed too in case Dd became reliant on it having got her over the need to suck to soothe in the early days.
Other parents make different choices, but it is always up to the parents, where they remain the primary careers.
It’s a crappy conversation to have because she is going to feel “told off” however nicely you try to do it, but it’s better than a fall out if in X weeks time she tells you DD couldn’t get enough of the peanut brownies at the cafe or whatever.

I wish I had this much help with my kids.
So she shouldn't have done it without asking you but it was once and she's apologised and said she won't do it again.
My mil gave my son something I wasn't happy with him having but I just said "can you not give it him again just yet please", and left it at that.
If she hadn't have told you in the morning you'd never have known and I'm pretty sure you can develop a dummy habit with one night.
You're so luck to have all that help AND have good relations with your in laws I would not be risking that. I would just say "please don't give dummy, but we are all cool" and leave it there.

Good grief, I really hope you didn't rant at your MIL the way you have on here. Unless you want to lose your free childcare, that is.

How old is your MIL? Maybe she’s struggling with a disrupted night of sleep but doesn’t want to let you and her DS down by saying she can’t do overnights.

Maybe she feels she can’t say no to her DS because you two will think she’s not doing enough for you? Did she help her other DC and is that why you expect help now?

I’d be careful how much and how often you ask for her help rather than just letting her have nice grandmother time with DC.

We're incredibly keen on doing everything our own way, but come on now - it's a dummy! What you should have said was "Thanks MIL. We weren't planning to use a dummy, let's think about it again."
Even if MIL uses a dummy to get your baby to sleep while you do something different it can work, I get my DS to sleep using a boob so DH obviously has to have different tactics.

6 months is so very little. It sounds like you have so much help, so couldn't you give the baby a little time to grow naturally into longer sleep patterns? Please at least read up on gentle methods if you must "sleep train". The only babies I know who've been "sleep trained" still seem to cry an awful lot (the parents call it grizzling to make leaving them to cry sound ok), surely a dummy for a bit of comfort is better than crying?

Ahhh OP, I think you may be suffering from a touch of "precious first born syndrome".

Don't worry, it's a thing, we all (well, most of us) had a touch of it. Don't worry, it'll wear off and you'll just be grateful for a break.

Seriously, you'll need to pick your battles over your child's lifetime, you sound like you have a caring and helpful MIL, don't let this be a battle you pick or you may end up losing that support for no good reason

It's a dummy, not arsenic

She should have asked. But it's a dummy, not crack.

I agree with @VeThings I think perhaps you MIL won't say no to you for fear of letting you down. I don't think in laws should be doing regular overnights just so you can sleep. She perhaps wants to be seen to be always there for you but actually the sleepless nights may be too much for her but she won't openly admit that to you.

He had it one night, she’s sorry, she’s doing so much for you she is probably sleep deprived too! Calm down and give her a hug FFS

Read all of the other threads about mother in laws and thank your lucky stars this is your only bloody problem. It is a piss take and I agree have a word with her but stop seething over it. You have more support in the short months of your babies lives than some mother get the whole 18 years. Be grateful and just have a quiet word.

When I had my PFB six years ago I probably would have agreed with you.

Now I've done it twice over, I'm older and wiser and a dummy once in a while in the grand scheme of things isn't the end of the world. My kids had dummies after me being staunchly against them pre-kids.

She's giving you free childcare. You either trust her to look after your baby or not. If you don't want her to do it, find someone else.

My childminder gave my 6YO full fat coke the other day (I'm not going to go into the full circumstances other than it was a misunderstanding and won't be happening again) Honestly my reaction was 🤷‍♀️ but a few years ago I probably would have lost my shit at that.

I'm struggling to marshal words tbh but the ones that come to mind include hysterical, ungrateful, vicious, unreasonable and startlingly ungrateful again. Catch yourself on.

At least she sterilised it 🤷‍♀️ You might have had a point if he was a few days or weeks old and you were worried about nipple confusion, but that isn't the case is it?