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Original poster

Posters hiding the sex board won't change MN dynamics.

219 replies

OhYouBadBadKitten · 23/02/2023 10:17

This new policy of 'if you don't like it, don't look' doesn't seem to be about making Mumsnet a safer place more welcoming and inclusive place, it seems to be more about 'look the other way if you are offended'.

One issue with this is that once threads get into active, people then post in the wrong place. Explicit threads won't stay on the Sex board, they will migrate onto chat and AIBU and anywhere that gets more views. We see this all the time with various topics.

Changing the policy so that you only need to have been a member for 7 days before posting on creates another issue of course. It is much much easier for sex trolls to join and start harassing people and messaging them off board. I guess that might help revenue if you are getting streams of re-registering sex trolls coming in.

MN used to take safeguarding seriously.

I also think this actually will exclude people from getting support. You now either have to choose to hide the board and therefore if you have a question or an issue about sex, you can't ask in the right place. Or you have to enable it and see every conversation.

Imagine if you are a Mum with young kids, sex has gone down the pan and you want some advice. You might not want your partner to see it. Your choice is: hide the topic and don't get that help you'd like. Or enable it and risk your kids or your partner seeing the threads on your screen.

This is a separate conversation to the very valuable safeguarding conversation about the sex chat threads.

OP posts:
Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:03

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 16:45

You have a fair few posts on the sex board, and a lot of your posts elsewhere are about the sex board.

I've been here for 7 or 8 years, I have posts all over the forum though I read far more than I post.
I had very little interest in the sex forum and virtually no posts until the move to active and all this fuss kicked off.
I do think it's a valuable space where women and men (and women and woman etc) can talk openly and respectfully, anonymously on a subject many find difficult and embarrassing irl.
I think it works so well precisely because MN is a female led forum and the balance of power is weighted towards women, especially the moderation.

I feel I've gained a lot of insight and understanding debating the issues on Site Stuff and hopefully assuaged some of the assumptions that it's full of perverted men masturbating over every thread...it really isn't.

AceofPentacles · 23/02/2023 17:03

The thing is, you could ask for replies from women only, and "women" may reply to the thread, but you'd never know if they were women, or a man getting off on talking about sex with a vulnerable woman.

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:07

AceofPentacles · 23/02/2023 17:03

The thing is, you could ask for replies from women only, and "women" may reply to the thread, but you'd never know if they were women, or a man getting off on talking about sex with a vulnerable woman.

Yes that's true and I can't speak for all men but I honestly couldn't get off on the type of conversation in the threads even if I wanted to.

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 17:11

The insistence by some men that we should not feel uneasy about this, and that we are wrong about who is on the sex topic/sex chat thread, is making me extremely uncomfortable. Many women I know IRL who use mumsnet feel the same having read many threads in site stuff recently.

You are making women uncomfortable. Please listen. And stop.

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:14

It’s not about you, @Surplus2requirements

This is the problem with men on here.

Women say ‘we don’t like this.’
Man says ‘but that’s not a problem because blahblahblah’
Women say ‘no, it is a problem.’
Man says ‘not for me it isn’t’

That doesn’t end the discussion. Considering you aren’t female, you cannot give birth, you cannot know what it feels like to be encouraged to use sex toys in the postpartum stage, maybe just accept that and stop telling us the sex board is fine and the fine upstanding gents on there wouldn’t stand for any poor woman getting unsolicited advice.

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:18

@HomeSweetLove I'm not suggesting anyone shouldn't feel uncomfortable.

I've tried to communicate my experience of the board and and the women and men that post on it.

I don't pretend to know what any woman's experience is

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:20

You keep insisting the board is respectful, women would be ‘protected’ by gallant men Hmm

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:22

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:14

It’s not about you, @Surplus2requirements

This is the problem with men on here.

Women say ‘we don’t like this.’
Man says ‘but that’s not a problem because blahblahblah’
Women say ‘no, it is a problem.’
Man says ‘not for me it isn’t’

That doesn’t end the discussion. Considering you aren’t female, you cannot give birth, you cannot know what it feels like to be encouraged to use sex toys in the postpartum stage, maybe just accept that and stop telling us the sex board is fine and the fine upstanding gents on there wouldn’t stand for any poor woman getting unsolicited advice.

I know it's not about me but every post of mine solicits 3 or 4 replies and it's only respectful to reply.

I don't think women would be defended there by knights in shining armour, I think they'd be ripped apart by women, men and banned in short order by mods

SeaDee · 23/02/2023 17:28

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:14

It’s not about you, @Surplus2requirements

This is the problem with men on here.

Women say ‘we don’t like this.’
Man says ‘but that’s not a problem because blahblahblah’
Women say ‘no, it is a problem.’
Man says ‘not for me it isn’t’

That doesn’t end the discussion. Considering you aren’t female, you cannot give birth, you cannot know what it feels like to be encouraged to use sex toys in the postpartum stage, maybe just accept that and stop telling us the sex board is fine and the fine upstanding gents on there wouldn’t stand for any poor woman getting unsolicited advice.

Absolutely this

SeaDee · 23/02/2023 17:28

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 17:11

The insistence by some men that we should not feel uneasy about this, and that we are wrong about who is on the sex topic/sex chat thread, is making me extremely uncomfortable. Many women I know IRL who use mumsnet feel the same having read many threads in site stuff recently.

You are making women uncomfortable. Please listen. And stop.

And this. Spot on.

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 17:29

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:22

I know it's not about me but every post of mine solicits 3 or 4 replies and it's only respectful to reply.

I don't think women would be defended there by knights in shining armour, I think they'd be ripped apart by women, men and banned in short order by mods

Show quote history

I’m not going to keep debating this with you. As a woman, who you make feel uncomfortable by your insistence thsg there isn’t a problem with the sex topic and a lot of those on there, I would ask you to look at your behaviour.

Whether you do, is on you. I choose to distance myself from men like you IRL, so I’ll do the same here and won’t reply further to you. I hope you become a better man.

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:35

It isn’t respectful to keep telling us we’re wrong, and that the lovely men on Sex wouldn’t tolerate poor treatment of women.

Being polite does not equal respect. Respect is having regard and consideration for the feelings of others. You are not showing any of us respect. You’re showing us what you believe is respect and is condescension.

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:37

HomeSweetLove · 23/02/2023 17:29

I’m not going to keep debating this with you. As a woman, who you make feel uncomfortable by your insistence thsg there isn’t a problem with the sex topic and a lot of those on there, I would ask you to look at your behaviour.

Whether you do, is on you. I choose to distance myself from men like you IRL, so I’ll do the same here and won’t reply further to you. I hope you become a better man.

Show quote history

As I said I think its only respectful to reply when I'm addressed directly but I respect your wish not to debate it with me

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 17:43

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:35

It isn’t respectful to keep telling us we’re wrong, and that the lovely men on Sex wouldn’t tolerate poor treatment of women.

Being polite does not equal respect. Respect is having regard and consideration for the feelings of others. You are not showing any of us respect. You’re showing us what you believe is respect and is condescension.

I haven't said anyone is wrong, it's my experience and many women's that have posted on the sex board.

Again I never said the men would do anything, the people that regularly use the board, both women and men wouldn't stand for it.

I appreciate many women have a deep distrust of men for very good reason but its hard to have a conversation when words are repeatedly put in my mouth

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:49

To be honest @Surplus2requirements I’ve no idea what your words are because you just seem to be all over the threads on Site Stuff about the sex board defending its existence. And yes, some of your posts on there are (imo) poor taste and don’t really make me feel in safe hands with the Men of Mumsnet.

BIWI · 23/02/2023 17:51

Mansplainer extraordinaire.

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:52

BIWI · 23/02/2023 17:51

Mansplainer extraordinaire.

Really is the online equivalent of them spreading their legs out when you’re on the train isn’t it?

beastlyslumber · 23/02/2023 17:56

Agreed OP. The response from MN is not very satisfactory.

beastlyslumber · 23/02/2023 17:57

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:49

To be honest @Surplus2requirements I’ve no idea what your words are because you just seem to be all over the threads on Site Stuff about the sex board defending its existence. And yes, some of your posts on there are (imo) poor taste and don’t really make me feel in safe hands with the Men of Mumsnet.

Yep.

picklemewalnuts · 23/02/2023 18:02

Aseagullatemybaby · 23/02/2023 10:30

I appreciate what you’re saying however I have posted on the sex board a few times (under a different username) and commented and got nothing but lovely advice and not a single private message.

I don’t view it as a corner of unsolicited perverts, it’s been an avenue to safely discuss a pass time that created most of our children. Its part of human nature. I don’t particularly like sex specific forums, or porn and like that it’s a freely spoken chat with like minded people with no judgment. My DC or DH have never seen it on my phone as you have to click specific threads and I don’t have MN open (I close down browsers once used).

I do agree that it shouldn’t appear in active but to see every conversation on the topic you still have to click on each thread, which is still down to the user to do, otherwise it’s just a lot of (rude-ish)titles and that’s it.

However it appears in active, where anyone could see it over my shoulder while I'm looking for other chats. My 'active' page, which is where I enter MN and where I navigate to and from, was suddenly full of words I don't use in front of my children. I didn't particularly want to read it myself. You don't have to open the thread to be confronted by references to niche- or just very detailed and specific- sex acts.

I'm not listing the references here for that reason.

AuntieStella · 23/02/2023 18:04

I'm definitely a woman and am fine with the topic being in active.

Topics can be hidden (and if this one is proving refractory on that, then of course it needs a tech fix ASAP)

lovem · 23/02/2023 18:08

"Really is the online equivalent of them spreading their legs out when you’re on the train isn’t it?"

Grin is it man-spreading or perv-spreading in this situation though?

GrisleyR · 23/02/2023 18:09

At one time, you had to be a member of MN and make posts for a certain amount of time before you could find, and post on Sex topic.

Now it's open to all - no vetting, no waiting, no finding.

When is the MN paid for sex chat, or dating app being launched??

I -think I've erased it from my active thread. If not, and it reappears, I'm off.

Talk about triggering? Titles of threads are always being tagged with triggering but not stuff in active ...

It's a horrible turn MN has taken.

And I don't give a shit what is posted on the sex thread - you go for it. I just don't want it smacked in my face.

Surplus2requirements · 23/02/2023 18:21

Amarchhare · 23/02/2023 17:49

To be honest @Surplus2requirements I’ve no idea what your words are because you just seem to be all over the threads on Site Stuff about the sex board defending its existence. And yes, some of your posts on there are (imo) poor taste and don’t really make me feel in safe hands with the Men of Mumsnet.

I'm sorry, I have no intention to make anyone feel uncomfortabe

BIWI · 23/02/2023 18:38

Well stop posting then @Surplus2requirements!