Do you use private messaging on Mumsnet? Tell us why or why not.

[FrannyMumsnet]

We want to know more about the way you use private messaging on Mumsnet. And how you feel about it.

Do you use private messaging on Mumsnet?

If NO: Can you say more about why not?

If YES:
1. What type of things do you message for?
2. How often do you use messaging? Is this more or less than in the past?
3. What sort of messaging contact do you have with other Mumsnetters - a) Regular; b) As needed; c) One off ; d) A combination of these

Knowing about your experiences will be very valuable to us.
thanks

Yes, as needed. However the functionality on it is so poor that if I trust the person and want to keep in touch or exchange info I'll switch to email.

1. What type of things do you message for? If I am posting stuff that is useful to one particular person: I am happy to share identifying information with one person but not the whole of MN.
2. How often do you use messaging? Is this more or less than in the past? Fairly infrequent, now and then.
3. What sort of messaging contact do you have with other Mumsnetters - a) Regular; b) As needed; c) One off ; d) A combination of these (c). Typically a short conversation, of about 6 messages, to discuss a specific matter

In answer to SheGotAll

I have said so on a thread! I have said that I was being bullied and I got the classic bully reply of 'don't be so silly- where do you get that idea?'. I couldn't report it without looking wet - bullies are very subtle and taken alone it looks innocuous.
I once did a whole long post on exactly how I was being bullied.

It hasn't happened very often - 2 this year and it is very pleasant. I can see why the bullies might not like being discussed behind their backs- or being told here that actually lots of people disagree.
They are also one offs and I then forget the name. Looking back I was surprised to find that I am on a thread with one today.

I am not looking for friends- I want to be completely anonymous.

I have only PMed once and that was because a naive poster started an AIBU and got dreadfully upset. I felt she needed a kind word.

Not that many are bullies! IT is just nice to know that you don't stand alone when you have your opinion rubbished. I agree that it would be better to stand up and be counted on the thread but I reckon there are literally hundreds of lurkers who never post.
I don't go on netmums often but it is a revelation to find that there are 65 posts and 345 people have read the thread! ( or maybe it has changed- I haven't been on for at least 2 years)

Extremely rarely, and usually only when asking for something (a link, an address, a recipe) that I don't think they would want to post on the thread, or that I think they might not notice if I asked on a thread.

No, because I don't want to get too engaged with people other than a bit of advice (or my tuppence worth) on the thread. But I can understand why others might want to offer more private advice or talk to someone who lives nearby. I just don't want that sort of close contact.

Seriously? So if I say something ill-judged or intemperate on a thread (happens less now ...) other posters might PM each other to say what a malign idiot I am?

I don't see the benefit. If you tell me I'm a fool on the thread I will feel heartbroken suitably chastened and endeavour to do better in future. But two people I'll never meet dismantling my character in a private conversation ...?

Rarely.

As I post mainly on education topics, I mainly use it when there is something that I feel would be helpful to a poster that would make me even more identifiable than I already am, e.g. information about schools I personally know something about.

Equally I occasionally get PMs from posters who are actively seeking such information and know / deduce that I live in a similar area.

As Woolly Hugs we probably use the system more than anyone, I don't know that for sure obvs, but answering this in relation to how we use it there...

1. What type of things do you message for?
Contacting bereaved families, families where there is a very ill child, offering Woolly Hugs or little blankets. This is why we really wish there was a preview option. At a time when it needs to be perfect, it is a stress that you can't then check it.

Also arranging wool and projects, sending postal addresses, asking for addresses, arranging donations, writing thank yous. Folk are more wary now about sending their address via PM, and more is on email now.

2. How often do you use messaging? Is this more or less than in the past?
Every day - usually more than 5 in and out a day, but is easily over a hundred in the early days of blanket projects. This is why we wish we had folders, or a search option. We've been asking for those for YEARS! Would say overall much more.

3. What sort of messaging contact do you have with other Mumsnetters - a) Regular; b) As needed; c) One off ; d) A combination of these
A mixture of b and c. Think where it has become a regular contact, it tends to move to Facebook or email.

Maybe I am making it sound as if it is an frequent occurrence when it is very rare. Nothing since July. I expect I could count them on two hands in total and I delete and forget who they were. I haven't been on since July otherwise they would all have been deleted- they are now.

I wouldn't want to see it go- the advice on jobs for my son was very useful.
I also gave advice about supply teaching.
I found the fact that FB groups exists and rally around and post if alerted useful and posted about that - to find it was true.

Yes. Quite often.

Many of us on the stop smoking thread vape & we often exchange juices so use it for addresses. But I now delete any PM with an address within 24 hours & ask any one I've sent mine to to do the same. Don't feel as safe post Jeffery.

I've met a few Mnetters in real life & sometimes exchange PMs with them about family things I wouldn't want to put out to the whole world. Like the name of my new PFGC for instance.

And occasionally to someone I 'know' on here who may be having a tought time - just to say hope all is OK & send some cheer.

I don't quite understand ...

Are these FB people talking about you as Toughasoldboots - which is surely rather pointless or do they somehow know and use your RL name - which would be vile?

Extraordinary ...

1. What type of things do you message for?

Ask specific questions, or offer support.

I have received PMs asking for more information about something discussed on a thread, recommendations for dentists, physios in my local area, but also offers to meet up for coffee. I am getting a fair bit of "I really want to emigrate to Norway, where do I begin!?" (I imagine lots of expats get that from people thinking oh life in Oman/Dubai/Sweden/Uzbekistan must be FAB)

1. How often do you use messaging? Is this more or less than in the past?

Rarely. No difference to before

1. What sort of messaging contact do you have with other Mumsnetters - a) Regular; b) As needed; c) One off ; d) A combination of these

B and C

Toughasoldboots

^You have to be a brave person as they then started two threads about me in the vein of a 'joke' - who are the PO on mumsnet etc, directly quoting me.
Not everyone can take that.^

I think the important thing here is to make the distinction between arguing the point and being rude/offensive to the poster

In your example above, that's a classic case that has to be reported to MNHQ (and one which MNHQ must take seriously), and I can see/understand that it's unsettling to experience on a thread, but when people say they're scared to come on the boards to put forward their point of view, that I really don't get - what do people think is going to happen?! Is a hand suddenly going to fly out of their screen to hit them?!

Going behind people's backs to talk privately about the thread isn't really helpful. In fact, that's closer to bullying behaviour than being on the boards!

Oh no - I didn't mean those messages were bullying, TAOBs. Messages of support are different!

I may have given the wrong impression. Having a supportive PM is not talking about individual posters - names are not mentioned. It is just along the lines of 'I fully agree with you and think your posts are very sensible' - which is nice when the majority on the thread are telling you the opposite.
It doesn't happen regularly. People are scared BIWI- I sometimes post and then think that I don't really want to see the reply! I quite often write a post and then delete.
I can't see why it is different from a FB group or discussing by email or discussing with a friend.

The 'sticks and stones' rhyme is totally untrue- words, even on the Internet hurt.

I use it. For things like extending a chat when a thread has gone off tangent, rather than continuing it on the thread, if that seems a bit rude. For more personal stuff, when I don't want to post my details on the thread. For things like little messages to regular posters who I "know" from frequent chats. I use it as and when needed really, no pattern, but it is helpful.