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Sex

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Original poster

New partner wants anal sex

168 replies

Newpartnerworries · 28/12/2016 08:26

Have nc for this. I've met a new partner through old & so far so good. He lives quite far from me so we message quite a lot in between dates. In a message he mentioned he wanted anal sex. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Ive only done it once before & it was sort of forced on me & hurt a lot. I like him a lot & I want to please him but at the same time don't want to go along with something I'm not sure I want to do. Help!

OP posts:

Bitofacow · 30/12/2016 21:09

I thought it was said in a tongue in cheek way.

Bitofacow · 30/12/2016 21:21

The cheek on your face. Your own tongue, no one else's.

I thought she was making a light hearted comment.

AkimboLimbo · 30/12/2016 21:26

I think it was a clumsy way of asking rather than an assumption that it would happen. He put it into a message as a way of asking how she felt about it, giving her an opportunity to say no. If he genuinely assumed that he could just do it, there's no reason for him to even mention it, he would have just tried it.

RubbishMantra · 30/12/2016 22:04

My comment was directed towards 1horatio, btw.

To outline the point that just because you are male, and attended an all male public school, one shouldn't assume they enjoy being bummed. It's often a huge part of bullying in male only public schools, then learned as a coping strategy to gain affection, that would otherwise come from absent parents. (without the pegging of course).

But sorry to shuffle off topic, decide your own boundaries OP. Up to you if you decide to change them if/when you feel comfy. As a tried and tested MN answer, "No.", is a sentence.

Greenandmighty · 30/12/2016 22:05

Why do something that doesn't turn you on? Just say no. Sex is meant to be an activity which is equally pleasurable for both parties.

1horatio · 30/12/2016 22:25

rubbish

Of course not.

My statement was that DH attended a boarding school and experimented (not abused or bullied or anything. Consensually experimented) with 2 friends (one of them now actually gay). And that his experimenting and me being bisexual may be the reason why we're both a bit more open minded than some people (because come on, some of the responses on this thread...).

I know, I read quite a lot about the British boarding school system (I'm an expat) but DH had pretty good experiences. But he wasn't sent at 8. And he's a good deal younger than the time these horrific reports are from, I think.

If this was how my statement read I'd like to apologise. English is my 4th language and I can assure you that I did not want to insinuate anything like that.

In DH's case it was simply a case of being bored, horny and curious. And quite open minded, even back then.

1horatio · 30/12/2016 22:27

I'm bisexual and DH went to a boarding school. He isn't really bisexual. But he did have some apparently rather nice experiences with 2 classmates. Only one of them is gay, btw...

That's all I wrote. I didn't just say... oh, he went to a boarding school, so he must like it up the bum.

Allofaflumble · 31/12/2016 02:55

Please also bear in mind that whether your husband/partner smashed your back door in the night before is the subject of much guffawing and smutty comments in the tea break. Trust is very over rated by some women.

AkimboLimbo · 31/12/2016 10:35

Allofa if a man bragged about "smashing a woman's back door in" then it's far more likely that he is a sad fantasist than a trusted partner.

Are you suggesting that a woman should never have a sexual relationship because she can never trust her partner not to laugh about her with his mates?

1horatio · 31/12/2016 10:58

allo

Well, if DH tried to smash my back door in I'd probably turn around and smash his nose. But he wouldn't do that because he doesn't want to hurt me...?

As for the laughing with his mates.

I'd obviously be quite hurt. But it wouldn't require anal do that? A guy could also laugh about how he 'destroyed her pussy' or how she wanted it so urgently that she did all the work and he could just lie back and enjoy or whatever.

A jerk could laugh about pretty much any sex act with his mates, couldn't he?

Mermaidinthesea · 31/12/2016 11:04

If you don't want to do something sexual then just say no. I've spent too many years pleasing other people and I'm not doing that any more.
It's all about proper consent now not coercion.
Not to mention I once caught Giardia from doing it and was on antibiotics and ill for months.

Allofaflumble · 31/12/2016 12:11

Just saying the truth. Yes, they do talk about you like that with their friends. Still, keep up the liberation eh?

Bitofacow · 31/12/2016 12:22

'They' might, yours might, but mine doesn't.

1horatio · 31/12/2016 12:29

Allo

I doubt it. Not to mention that he currently works from home and is a SAHD. So, there's no tea break to guffaw or make nasty comments about me.

And anyhow, you have seriously low standards.
I'm not saying DH can't talk about our sex life. But he'd be way too embarrassed to do that with anybody from work. And the feminist department (or gender studies, to be more precise) would tear him to shreds anyway.

Hellothereitsme · 31/12/2016 15:45

All the blokes I have met on OLD have asked about anal sex. This is the 50+ age group back out on the market after failed marriages etc. They seem to think everyone is doing it. Perhaps they are. But it doesn't matter. I just say no. I don't fancy olives either so I just say no to them too. It isn't difficult we all have different tastes, likes etc. Not one bloke has walked away when I've said no. I think most feel they need to raise the subject incase the woman they have met knows more about it then they do :-)

AkimboLimbo · 31/12/2016 16:10

Well said Hello

A jerk could laugh about pretty much any sex act with his mates, couldn't he?
Regardless of whether or not he had even done any of those sex acts!

Yes, they do talk about you like that with their friends.
Who are "they"?
Some particularly childish twats might, but most grown-up men don't.
You definitely need to raise your standards if that's your experience.
I am absolutely certain that my DH does not laugh about me or our sex life to his mates.

SecretSeven · 07/01/2017 08:01

Tell him you have an equal desire to penetrate his nostril with a rolling pin. But that it's OK, because you are generous and will allow him to use lube.

Gingerbreadlass · 19/01/2017 09:39

He's obviously mentioned it in a message rather than in person as he was a bit afraid of your reaction. The poor man sounds fine and obviously fancies you in every way (excuse the pun).

I had anal "done" to me in my early twenties by someone deliberately confusing entrances and then went on a bit until I screamed in agony. Vowed to myself never to go there again -ever.

Other boyfriends were not bothered and so it was never an issue.

Then I met someone where the chemistry in bed was just perfect and in the heat of the moment he mentioned he'd love to take me up the bum and I said yes and absolutely loved it. Not tense, no pain like before. We didn't use lube, I had come twice before when he went down on me and it was that combination of trust and being turned on that did it for me.

Never say never but for now I'd say you don't want to do it because you had a bad experience.

Plenty of other things to enjoy 😊

As someone else said, his reaction to your response will give you an indication if he's a keeper or not. Wish you luck!

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