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Original poster

New partner wants anal sex

168 replies

Newpartnerworries · 28/12/2016 08:26

Have nc for this. I've met a new partner through old & so far so good. He lives quite far from me so we message quite a lot in between dates. In a message he mentioned he wanted anal sex. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Ive only done it once before & it was sort of forced on me & hurt a lot. I like him a lot & I want to please him but at the same time don't want to go along with something I'm not sure I want to do. Help!

OP posts:
ChickenPoop · 28/12/2016 09:17

I don't do anal and make no apologies for that. Noone is going up my arse and I'm not putting my hand up a man's arse either 😷

Just tell him no. You've tried it, don't like it and won't be trying it again, so if it's something he considers essential then you'll have to call it a day. Don't be vague or coy. If you mean no then say no. If he doesn't accept this graciously or tries to coerce you then bin and run.

gamerchick · 28/12/2016 09:20

It's a huge trust thing imo anal. Not something I would want to do with a new dude.

PP posted the perfect message upthread. 'I don't do anal' is all you need to send back.

Statelychangers · 28/12/2016 09:20

If you don't want to just say no and move on - if he can't have a relationship without anal sex then part ways. Be a grown up, it's not disgusting, it's just a preference.

Costacoffeeplease · 28/12/2016 09:21

So it was an assumption rather than a request?

That's not a nice man

Original poster
Newpartnerworries · 28/12/2016 09:23

I don't think it will be a deal breaker for him. I'm not sure if it is for me though. I have to admit my heart sank when he brought it up. I had the same conversation with my last partner. I said I wouldn't do it & he said that's ok he didn't enjoy it either. It just seems to be something a lot of men want/expect

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 28/12/2016 09:23

TrishanFlips how is it horrible to state a sexual preference or express a desire when talking about sex?

Sex is something that is a two way Street. It's nice that you have an non selfish attitude to sex and want to make him happy. Likewise I trust his attitude towards you is the same? You need to confidence to explain that this is something you are not comfortable with. If he values your enjoyment of sex too and is likewise not selfish he will respect this. If not then you of course need to question your future with this guy.

It sounds like the last time it was done totally wrong. Only you can decide in the future if you want to experiment with it or not. I have know people who don't and people who completely love it. If you try it you need to do it from a position of knowlage and mutual desire. Obviously that is not the case for now so defiantly don't. If down the line your curious may I suggest starting with some anal play first (small but plug etc). There is loads of info on the Internet or MN sex threads.

At the end on the day it is your body.

1horatio · 28/12/2016 09:23

I have done anal.... and have researched it for a few hours and made a 5 page dossier for my boyfriend to read. And I said that I'd at least want an krgasm beforehand to be relaxed etc.

This boyfriend is now DH and we still do anal sometimes (not very often). It's obviously your choice. But I don't think your past experiences necessarily mean you'll hate it if done the right way.

HerOtherHalf · 28/12/2016 09:24

Just say no. Don't tell him you've tried it and didn't like it. First, you don't need to justify yourself. Second, he may interpret that as a case of you being amenable in principle if he can just convince you he'll be gentle. If you're not interested just lock it down with no room for further negotiation.

I must be getting old. Through most of my adult life anal was very taboo and i don't recall any of my friends or acquaintances mentioning it, even in the more laddish of situations. Now, it seems like it's standard 3rd base fare. I don't see the appeal personally and can't believe it is something most women would want and even then only with an incredibly trusted partner.

pipsqueak25 · 28/12/2016 09:25

'you want to please him' ? mmm, what about pleasing you as well, you don't seem very keen on the idea, if he wants to do that there is another gender... i'd give this guy a wide berth if he persisted with the idea, but you really need to talk to him how it's just not for you.

Sparklingbrook · 28/12/2016 09:25

I guess if you say no but continue the relationship you will always be wondering if he feels he is 'missing out'. At least you found out early on I suppose.

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/12/2016 09:25

If you don't want to you just say no.

Evergreen17 · 28/12/2016 09:26

Mmmhhh well if the OP and this man have had sex and have been texting in this way I dont think it is out of order to talk about what you would like to do in bed.
I dont think he is horrible and I see nothing wrong in expressing your desire. Some women and some men enjoy anal. It is not a crime or horrible.
What is important here is that this is something the OP doesnt feel like doing, she has tried before and it hurt she didnt enjoy.
Therefore I would talk to him and say I know you like that but I dont want to do that because A or B or just because you dont enjoy it.

Dont do it because you like him. It is good to try to please your partner and vice-versa and maybe a bit down the line you decide you want to try again with this person. But I dont think now is the time for you.

His reaction to this will be further more telling than the fact that he suggested it

Namechangeforsex · 28/12/2016 09:29

Oh ffs he is asking for a consual sex act that many people enjoy not forcing the OP into necrophilia.

Say yes or no, if he is as nice as you say he will accept your decision.

However, if you are unprepared for anal sex it may well be painful and unpleasant, but, if you prepare properly it is very sexy in a very exciting way.

I would say keep an open mind. Try a vibrating butt plug to start you off. Start off with small plugs and work up. Say no anytime you are uncomfortable.
As a woman in my 50s I enjoy anal sex very much and fail to see why the hysteria if everything is consensual.

And yes my partner gets it up his arse sometimesWink

Sparklingbrook · 28/12/2016 09:30

There is no hysteria here. Confused

M0stlyHet · 28/12/2016 09:30

"I don't do anal" has worked fine for me in the past - if the guy's a keeper, he won't mind (all of us have the odd thing we don't like in the bedroom that our partner might have, in other circumstances, been keen on - so long as the rest of the menu's good, it doesn't matter).

However, beware wanting to please him (with no mention of what you want - reciprocal pleasure is fine) and feeling insecure about not coming across as adventurous enough - that doesn't put you in a good psychological space to form a relationship that works for you. Or to put it another way - the "wanting to please" feeling that comes from knowing you're loved and he would do anything for you is good and healthy, the "wanting to please" feeling that comes from fear of rejection and insecurity is bad and unhealthy.

DistanceCall · 28/12/2016 09:31

I enjoy anal. But, as other poster has said, it requires huge trust. It's not something to be done in the early days of a relationship, I think.

Sounds like you had a bad experience with it (which is not surprising, as things can go wrong quite easily). Perhaps you want to try it again in the future, perhaps you never want to try it again.

I don't think your partner was horrible or rude at all, and if you don't want anal sex it doesn't necessarily make you incompatible. Just tell him what you feel right now, and see how he reacts. If he's a good guy, he won't mind.

tiej · 28/12/2016 09:32

1DAD2KIDS, sex may be a 2 way street but anus's aren't, they are definitely designed as 1 way only. Damage can be very unpleasant.

poppym12 · 28/12/2016 09:32

Simply reply with 'i don't do anal' and judge from his reaction whether this is a deal breaker. If you want to, you could offer to do it to him if he really wants the experience.

BertrandRussell · 28/12/2016 09:33

"I would say keep an open mind"

Or maybe he could keep the open mind and not make assumptions about other people's sexual preferences?

Original poster
Newpartnerworries · 28/12/2016 09:33

Some good advice on here. Thank you. It's not something I'd feel comfortable discussing IRL. I've said I don't fancy it & he hasn't brought it up again. He still seems keen to keep seeing me. As I've said he's really nice

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 28/12/2016 09:34

Just tell him you'd be happy to do it to him but you don't want it .. wonder if he'll still be as excited about it Grin

PeppaIsMyHero · 28/12/2016 09:36

I would avoid reading too much into him asking about it, as long as you didn't feel pressured.

Consider him as a whole, not just through the lens of this one request.

Namechangeforsex · 28/12/2016 09:36

Sparklingbrook

"Run a mile. He sounds horrible."
"He sounds disgusting"
"He sounds awful"

He has asked if the OP would like anal sex. These comments strike me as a bit over the top. He hasn't forced her he has asked her.
Like it or not anal is on the agenda these days along with oral and a bit of light bondage. The important thing is you can say no at anytime. The act is not the issue, he would be "awful" and "disgusting" if he didn't respect consent.

Sparklingbrook · 28/12/2016 09:37

That's hardly hysteria though is it? Just opinions.

MuseumOfCurry · 28/12/2016 09:38

I'm absolutely not keen on the idea and the fact that he raised it so early would be, for me, a red flag.

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