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Original poster

New partner wants anal sex

168 replies

Newpartnerworries · 28/12/2016 08:26

Have nc for this. I've met a new partner through old & so far so good. He lives quite far from me so we message quite a lot in between dates. In a message he mentioned he wanted anal sex. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Ive only done it once before & it was sort of forced on me & hurt a lot. I like him a lot & I want to please him but at the same time don't want to go along with something I'm not sure I want to do. Help!

OP posts:
MissiAmphetamine · 28/12/2016 11:13

*I am sorry to say that I would

  1. view his words to mean that he could be spending a lot of time watching porn.

  2. he doesn't view women as being a person, he views them as an object to do things to and not do things with.*

This. Of course, it may not be the case, and he may be genuinely as lovely as he seems, and just phrased things badly...but if I were you, I'd be extra-aware of other potential red flags, moving forward in the relationship.

Branleuse · 28/12/2016 11:19

im not keen on "looking forward to taking you that way" before youve even hinted youd be up for it, but maybe hes just a bit crap with words, and thought that was a nice way of saying it?

I dont think theres anything wrong with him letting you know that its something he would like to do, as long as he doesnt expect it

JakeBallardswife · 28/12/2016 11:31

He may well be fine with no, it's just that this is one of the questions that is better face to face.

Have a chat about it, tell him how you feel and see how things go from there.

You absolutely shouldn't do anything you don't feel comfortable with and he'll hopefully be fine with that.

I think before you make any big decisions that you really need to talk to him properly. Hope it goes well.

Proudmummytodc2 · 28/12/2016 11:33

I haven't RTFT but if it's something your not comfortable with just message back something like..

" I don't do anal if that is a deal breaker best just to cut our loses now before anyone gets hurt"

It is fine for him to ask it doesn't make him horrible he is only making a request of something he would like but your can also say no do not be forced in to something you don't want to do never do that for someone.

Make sure it's always something you want to do.

Good luck with what you decide OP.

Elledouble · 28/12/2016 11:45

Just say "no thanks, I don't like it" and his reaction will tell you all you need to know. Maybe people are jumping the gun a bit and assuming he's horrible because we've also felt pressured to do it in the past by unpleasant men?

Twiterati · 28/12/2016 11:54

It seems to me Op that for him to bring it up so early in your relationship that it is fairly important to him. He may say now it's not important but I suspect it could become an issue so if you are not at all into it then I think you need to consider the relationship as a whole. Personally for me it would raise alarm bells that he was asking for this so early on. It certainly does seem to be something a lot of men expect nowadays but it's not something I would go along with to keep him happy.

Original poster
Newpartnerworries · 28/12/2016 11:59

Thank you for all the replies. My first post in this topic & this is why I love Mumsnet for all the different perspectives Flowers

OP posts:
MissiAmphetamine · 28/12/2016 12:04

Good luck, OP, I hope it works out fab Smile

expatinscotland · 28/12/2016 12:13

It will help loads if you stop calling everyone you date for 5 minutes a 'partner'. He's a boyfriend at best. You barely know him. Takes the pressure and expectations off. YOu seem to have a thing about pleasing every single man who doesn't treat you like crap. That's not good.

'I suppose is why I'm struggling with it. We were messaging about our next date & he said he was looking forward to taking me 'that way'. I asked what he meant & he said he'd been too embarrassed to say it before.'

He assumes you're up for it. That would ring some alarm bells to me. And he's 'too embarrassed' to say it before. If you're too embarrassed to be open about sex, you're too immature to be having it.

You'll stay with this guy because it comes across that you're one of these people who has to be dating/have a man in life. But try to get a self-esteem and be mature and firm about your sexual boundaries.

Original poster
Newpartnerworries · 28/12/2016 12:26

Actually no you are wrong. I have been single by choice for over 2 years. Maybe partner isn't the best choice of word, I used it as in sexual partner. My apologies

OP posts:
Kel1234 · 28/12/2016 12:27

If you don't feel comfortable with it don't do it.
I can see why he asked, but when you say no, if he cares he should say fair enough and leave it at that.
If he doesn't, he's not worth it.

AkimboLimbo · 28/12/2016 14:15

Tell him he's confusing you with a man.
That makes NO sense!

Be wary about this becoming something he pesters you for.
Being pestered for ANYTHING is a problem. There is no more reason to think that he will pester for this than if he'd expressed a desire to take her on the dining room table.

I understand the wanting to please him. I want to please my DH in the same way that he wants to please me. However, that doesn't mean you do something you are clearly not comfortable with. I do enjoy anal, but it's definitely something we do because of mutual desire and pleasure - it's not something for one person to enjoy and the other to tolerate. It takes a huge amount of trust and open communication - you have neither of those at the moment.

There is a lot of disgust and disapproval about anal sex. It is definitely not for everyone and that's ok, we're all different and all enjoy different things, but wanting to do it doesn't make you an awful person. And it's not all down to porn. People have been having anal sex forever, they just didn't talk about it as much. I first did it as a teenager over 30 years ago, long before I ever saw any porn, I also remember reading about it in the Karma Sutra. The taboo around it reduced when people realised that it doesn't mean that the man is secretly gay. Porn has definitely increased the amount that men are willing to ask for it.

Genuinely curious - what's with anal sex that most guys seem to want it?
There's been some interesting answers to this question, most of them clearly indicating their disdain for it. Talk of baggy vaginas, wanting to hurt or insult. As a woman, the reason I do it is because it is seriously good. It genuinely feels pleasurable. My DH feels the same. He has no desire to hurt, insult or in any way objectify me, my vagina is perfect for him, but just occasionally, we like a bit of anal. People like different things, that's all.

dworky · 28/12/2016 17:00

Occasionally we like a bit of anal
Do you take turns then?

Marmalade85 · 28/12/2016 17:03

How large does he want your strap on to be?

1horatio · 28/12/2016 17:32

dworky

We have tried that a few times, yes.

But then again. I'm bisexual and DH went to a boarding school. He isn't really bisexual. But he did have some apparently rather nice experiences with 2 classmates. Only one of them is gay, btw...

But why wouldn't we?

AkimboLimbo · 28/12/2016 18:29

Occasionally we like a bit of anal
Do you take turns then?
Why is that even relevant?

Sometimes we like a bit of doggy style,
Sometimes we like a bit of spanking,
Sometimes we like a bit of PIV,
Sometimes we like to use toys,
Sometimes we like to do a whole variety of things that may or may not involve 'taking turns' (though taking turns is a really bad description),
We have different bodies so we use them in different ways. He has a prostate and a penis, I don't. We both enjoy anal play in different ways.
Sex is something that we do with each other that involves various things that we do to each other and neither of us does anything that we don't get pleasure from and really want to do.

There are plenty of people who enjoy giving oral sex but don't like receiving it, or like receiving it but not giving. Why should anal be any different? As long as BOTH people are happy with whatever arrangement they have, that's all that matters.

sonlypuppyfat · 28/12/2016 18:34

Personally I'd run a mile even the thought of someone else even thinking about it turns my stomach

1horatio · 28/12/2016 18:53

puppyfat

Personally I'd run a mile even the thought of someone else even thinking about it turns my stomach.

To the next bed? That are just butterflies of excitement 😂

But seriously, our sexual preferences don't really matter (although I admitted have shared some of mine). This is about what the OP wants (or doesn't want).

Deadsouls · 28/12/2016 18:58

Absolutely no if you don't want to do it. Not unless you're completely comfortable.
Don't betray yourself by doing something just to please someone else because you're scared of losing them.
If he can't respect you then he's not the right person. If someone would break up just because if that then why would you want him?

LotsoNumbers · 28/12/2016 19:27

There really are some very immature people on mn

Bitofacow · 28/12/2016 20:03

The assumption that everyone shares your preference and if they don't they are wrong is really sad.

Each to their own.

M0stlyHet · 28/12/2016 21:08

Please can people - both the "it's disgusting" brigade and the "it's fab, you don't know what you're missing" brigade - please back off. It does not matter what any of the rest of us like or don't like in bed. All that matters is the recognition that different people have different preferences, and that these should be respected. And that "no trumps yes" in sexual matters - if one partner wants to try a certain thing and the other doesn't, there's no compromise, the person who doesn't want it gets final say. Every time. (This may lead the other person to conclude they're sexually incompatible, which is also perfectly okay).

OP, decide what you are comfortable with and tell your new partner. This is what you are comfortable with, not what your partner wants, or what randoms on this thread are comfortable with, or what your auntie Mildred would be shocked by. The only person who gets a say in setting your sexual boundaries is you.

Christmassnake · 28/12/2016 21:13

I'm confused,does this mean he's gay then

1horatio · 28/12/2016 21:15

Christ

Yes, incredibly gay for wanting to penetrate a woman anally.

Christmassnake · 28/12/2016 21:18

Sorry,yes just read the whole thread,and answered my own question...don't normally read the threads about sex ...

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