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Original poster

New partner wants anal sex

168 replies

Newpartnerworries · 28/12/2016 08:26

Have nc for this. I've met a new partner through old & so far so good. He lives quite far from me so we message quite a lot in between dates. In a message he mentioned he wanted anal sex. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Ive only done it once before & it was sort of forced on me & hurt a lot. I like him a lot & I want to please him but at the same time don't want to go along with something I'm not sure I want to do. Help!

OP posts:
Klaptout · 29/12/2016 01:33

The things that would concern me would be the fact that he was looking forward to taking you, like it's his right.
To me it doesn't sound like it's a two way discussion.
he says was too embarrassed to mention it face to face, well if he can't to to you about it then it's not something you can have a grown up conversation about.
Don't feel you have to agree to him doing something you don't want to do in order to keep him.
He really is not worth keeping if he doesn't respect your loud and clear no.

Anal is not something I'd want to try. But that's up to me, my body I get to chose.

1horatio · 29/12/2016 11:40

I agree,

The 'taking you' part is quite... concerning. Unless you have some kind of consensual dynamic like this.

However, 'if you can't say it you shouldn't do it'. So, if he can't have a nice and honest face to face discussion about anal sex he certainly shouldn't expect to have it.

AkimboLimbo · 29/12/2016 11:56

The "taking you" could just be a clumsy choice of words. It doesn't necessarily mean that it is his expectation.
What matters is how he responds to a "no". If his response is "oh ok then" then there was clearly no expectation behind the words, if his response is "what do you mean no, everyone does it" then there is a big problem.

expatinscotland · 29/12/2016 13:04

'There really are some very immature people on mn'

Like the OP's boyfriend, who 'looks forward' to 'taking her' that way but was 'too embarrassed' to have a face-to-face discussion about a sexual practice that apparently requires a great deal of trust to do.

nethunsreject · 29/12/2016 13:15

My arse is completely fucked (pun intended) from anal sex. Several fissures and some incontinence. It's not without risk.
If he wants it, tell him you'll get your dido ready and he can bend over next time you meet.

BertrandRussell · 29/12/2016 13:30

Indeed, Expat.

It has come to something when "mature" means "wants anal sex"

expatinscotland · 29/12/2016 14:10

It's not without risk and each adult assumes that risk, but this guy can't even bring it up face to face as he's 'too embarrassed'. You have to seriously question someone's maturity level when they assume you're up for a sexual practice that involves a great deal of patience and trust, is not without risk but they're 'too embarrassed' to talk about it face to face like grown ups.

nethunsreject · 29/12/2016 15:18

Spot on, Expat.

LotsoNumbers · 29/12/2016 16:43

Indeed, Expat. It has come to something when "mature" means "wants anal sex"

That's not what I said though is it. I agree with expat that this bloke is immature and if he can't talk about sex he shouldn't be doing it.

However anal sex is not that out there and there have been some stupid comments on here, including but not limited to suggestions that he must be gay for wanting to do anal

ForalltheSaints · 29/12/2016 18:19

If you don't like it then just say no. It is an exit anyway not an entrance, to quote someone I knew a few years ago.

1DAD2KIDS · 30/12/2016 00:59

Evergreen17 28/12/2016 09:39 great point, nicely presented.

pictish a close friend of mines wife (also a close freind) posed this question to him when he said about anal. To her shock he said great stuff. Now they both enjoy doing it to each other.

ChuckSnowballs I agree presumptuous. But we live in a society that says Alpha males are desirable to women. That women are attracted to men that are decisive and lead the way. So he may feel under pressure to show you how Alpha male he is for fear if he does not he'll be less attractive to you. This pressure may be reflected in his words here. And to be fair within the in terms of a fairly familiar safe space back and forth sexual conversation many women do enjoy the man using quite dominate and assertive phrasing such as I want to have you etc. It doesn't mean he is someone sort of potential abusive person. It may well be part of the sexual dynamic within the safe confines of their personal back and forth. If the how ever the OP is not cool with this sort of phrasing it may be a good idea to let the guy know. He may only be phrasing stuff like this because he thinks you like to be talked to like that?

If he is not comfortable talking about it in real life that is a concern. Do you know if he actually has any experience? Personally I would want to know that anything going near my anus was operated by a careful and skilled operator.

AteRiri you say what's with all the guys? I say what's with all the women? Never done it before I split up from the Ex wife. I have had a fair few encounters and flings since. I would say 70% were totally into it and anal play. All of them the norm. Total surprise to me.

What ever the origin of its now mainstream appeal (e.g. porn) if it is some making people happy and adding an avenue of pleasure then why all the negativity? Why are men always viewed so harshly? Comments like oh it's just about male dominance or its just because of porn? I do rather get sick of this all men are all bastards rhetoric by some. Why is it that some people can only see it as some form of male tool of oppression to degregate women? Can it not be something that is sensual and feels good for all involved?

GloriousRoob · 30/12/2016 07:53

Well I think if it provides ''an avenue of pleasure'' it also causes some upset too. My most recent x was always suggesting this or that and that was something he suggested and said he didn't want to pressure me but sex was a performance with him. He was exhaustingly alpha though. Next bf if that ever happens, bit more beta..... I don't think a man can really fake being more alpha. he can definitely become more alpha but no way can it be faked.
Alpha men are not bullies. They are charismatic and people like to be around them.

Purplebluebird · 30/12/2016 08:49

Have done this several times, and it's a practice thing I think :p My first boyfriend desperately wanted it, and me being eager to please (was a teenager), went along with it despite not hugely enjoying it. My current other half isn't bothered, so not doing it anymore, but it wasn't a big deal to do it. I think a few comments here have been overreactions, it might very well just be a preference of his, but not a deal breaker. If lack of anal sex is a deal breaker, he's a bad match anyway. I wouldn't worry too much about it to be honest!

BertrandRussell · 30/12/2016 09:13

"Can it not be something that is sensual and feels good for all involved?"
Yes, of course. But not for the OP.

1horatio · 30/12/2016 10:23

Ah.... all this alpha and beta bullshit. Sorry, but I honestly thought it was only pickup artists or basement dwellers that say stuff like this. I wasn't expecting to read it on mumsnet.

Anyhow, OP.
Your bad experience doesn't mean trying it with a gentler person wouldn't be pleasurable. However, you obviously have to do what makes you comfortable. And if he becomes violent, verbally abusive or manipulative then that's

As for breaking up? Yes, this is a chance that this could happen. But if you are truly sexually incompatible, wouldn't that be for the best? I mean, it depends on your goals etc I guess. I think you said you were currently just sexual partners, right?

1DAD2KIDS · 30/12/2016 11:57

1horatio you see the point is that often men are being told these these things and maybe that is reflected in the way he texts. Also the who Alpha Beta thing is pretty wide spread in popular culture. I have heard women say about liking Alpha men. I think it break into popular culture is partly reflectEd in the whole Lumbersexual fashion movement and the current trend of breads. Let's face it how many Lumbersexuals hold traditional physical manly jobs like being a lumberjack? No most work in Starbucks and the like. I think it is very much about trying to portray a Alpha image through fashion in a world that doesn't feel that way. It's about making a desirable display to the females around, much like how a peacock uses its feathers to attract a mate.

AkimboLimbo · 30/12/2016 12:04

I think there are women who agree to try it in order to please their partners, they are not expecting to like it and they are expecting it to hurt. They don't really know what they are doing so go about it in the wrong way - Wrong lube, wrong preparation, wrong position. That inevitably leads to unpleasant and possibly harmful experiences.

There are other women who are completely repulsed by the idea of it so would never go anywhere near any kind of anal play. (Perfectly normal reaction and absolutely their right to never consider it)

The women who enjoy it, I suspect have come to like it through a different route. They have taken a much slower approach with a caring partner which has started with some gentle play that doesn't involve penetration and goes at a pace that feels good. The pleasure has encouraged them to experiment a little more and it has also helped them to relax. Good communication means that nothing happens that both people aren't ready for and if there is any sign of discomfort or pain, they stop. There's no pain or damage, it's all about pleasure for both of them.

1horatio · 30/12/2016 12:06

Hm.... that may be true.

Still the whole idea is imo quite toxic. It's one of the reasons why I prefer instructing all-girl classes. Not because I dislike boys in any way or believe they're less valid but because their parents (especially their fathers) are quite often a pain in the ass and expect their son to be 'the alpha' or whatever.

And I somehow expected better of mumsnet, I guess.

AkimboLimbo · 30/12/2016 12:13

I should add that there are also women who have tried it through the gentle approach and just found that it brought them no pleasure at all. It's not for everyone and no-one should feel under any pressure to try anything they don't want to do or continue doing anything they don't enjoy.

But there is this perception that women only do it to please men, they cannot possibly enjoy it themselves, and men only do it because they don't care about the woman. That's simply not true.

Pollyanna9 · 30/12/2016 12:29

Akimbo has it 100% right.

What constantly surprises me though (not your post Akimbo) but generally that there is the expectation that all women can do it. Some women have a compromised anal sphincter due to childbirth - if they did anal they could end up with feacal incontinence. In this case it would be something to simply not try at all - ever.

And then others as Akimbo says try it in all the right ways with a caring partner etc, and they just cannot actually do it.

Why is there this assumption that all women are actually capable of doing it and it's just a matter of choice? Presumably porn has a LOT to answer for on this score.

His assumption is what would bother me the most.

I'm sure OP will sort through this though. I do think "Actually I don't like anal" would be a very good first response as he will undoubtedly respond to that and then you'll possibly see a bit more where you are. I think saying nothing at this point would be a mistake. You don't want him trying to put it in unexpectedly because he thinks maybe that no response means you're equally ok with his assumption (who knows).

BertrandRussell · 30/12/2016 18:41

"It's about making a desirable display to the females around, much like how a peacock uses its feathers to attract a mate."

You do know what most women think about this alpha male/peacock stuff, don't you?

1horatio · 30/12/2016 18:47

You do know what most women think about this alpha male/peacock stuff, don't you?

Well, there must be some success. Sometimes... or why else would they continue to do it? :/

ballsdeep · 30/12/2016 18:59

It's better he asks her than just thrust it in during their next session. Fgs, he asked her and hasn't taken her against her will! I think some of u need to relax!

Pollyanna9 · 30/12/2016 19:26

He didn't ASK though did he ballsdeep!

He assumed it WOULD happen.

If she says nothing, he might well just thrust it in during the next session.

Christ almighty...

RubbishMantra · 30/12/2016 21:06

I'm bisexual and DH went to a boarding school

That's an incredibly insulting statement. Have you never read The Hothouse Society by Royston Lambert, or The Making of Them by Nick Duffell?

Children at the age of 8 were sent away by their parents, often abused by the masters, prefects, (cos they must respect their elders and do what they're told, right?) then sought solace with their peers.

If people want to enjoy anal, then why not? But please don't try to imply that men who enjoy it because of that abusive situation are all "jolly hockey sticks" about it.

BTW, both myself and DH (deceased) and I went to public school. He never expressed a desire to be pegged. Assuming all blokes who went to public school want to be pegged is a sweeping and ludicrous statement.

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