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Secondary education

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Original poster

DH had decided DD should not go to grammar school - Help!

262 replies

supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:18

Our gorgeous DD passed her 11+ without any tuition and then got into a grammar school 10 minutes away. She is not happy because she will miss some of her friends.
Without my knowledge, DH phoned the headmistress of her previous school (a failing middle school in special measures!) to ask if they would have her back. Of course, they said they would. Now, DD is convinced she is going back to her middle school...
I am going to mediation tomorrow with soon to be ex DH in order to sort this out ASAP. She is registered at the grammar school anyway but I need ammunition so that DH realises that it is his parental duty not to give into his daughter's whims and think about her long term future. Help!!AngrySad

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 26/08/2014 21:23

Your DH is mad.
So few children get the chance to go to a grammar school.
I got a place at the local grammar school but my parents didn't send me because I was worried about missing my friends. So I went to the same school that the majority of my class mates were going to.

Ironically - I didn't really get on with most of them as we all got older.

I have regretted it for the rest of my life. I truly believe I would have done much better at the grammar school.

At 11 I was not mature or sensible enough to make that decision.

Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:25

This is exactly what I think. Friendships are not permanent at this age and I will do what I can to keep her existing friendships alive...

OP posts:
QOD · 26/08/2014 21:31

What a dick

She has to give it a chance, my dd has made all new friends at grammar, would have at high school anyway, but my point is, it's all change. She barely sees her old best friends in the world, he's a fool.

inthename · 26/08/2014 21:34

He doesn't have the right to reverse the decision on schools. Were you together when she sat the 11+ and passed? If so, then focus at mediation on the fact it was a joint decision. Does your dd live with you and do you claim the child benefit as you are then effectively your daughters 'registered address' as far as schools are concerned. Is the old school nearer to where he lives? I'm wondering if he made his decisions not so much based on what your dd has said but what suits him better. With the mediation, try not to go for the 'giving in to whims' line, more the 'we made a joint decision'
Does he have parental responsibility (if his name is on birth certificate and you were married he will have) that covers his 'right' to know which school your dd is going to and says something about 'being consulted' that doesn't mean that he can ring a school up and place your dd there essentially without your knowledge, neither should you.
As far as your dd is concerned then you need to make sure she knows that she will be going to the grammar school, that she'll make new friends quickly and unfortunately her dad gor himself a bit mixed up.

Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:36

Surely, parental responsibility is more than being best friends with your daughter. I don't understand why DH does not get the point. I am so angry that DD is now completely unwilling to go to grammar school when it is truly an opportunity for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:38

It was a joint decision to get DD to try out the 11+ without any tuition as every single teacher in primary told us she was "grammar school material". Yes, I will point this fact out in mediation.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 26/08/2014 21:38

Its not really to do with whether she'd be better off at a grammar or not, its to do with your stbx making a unilateral decision without consulting you!

Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:43

yes, it is not only detrimental to me but showing DD that my opinion does not count. Angry

OP posts:
inthename · 26/08/2014 21:47

No, parental responsibility isn't about being your child's best friend, its essentially covers his right to know things like her school, medical appointments or any other decisions that are typically made.
I really wouldn't waste your time getting angry or trying to make him see a point he doesn't want to see. I've had similar from my ex - ds won a scholarship to an independent school and ex told me that he would never contribute anything, now, as the time comes to move schools he refused to sign any registration forms or application forms and told ds he'd be better at the local comp. Luckily my ds can see what he has measured up against what his father wants, which is I suppose what you need to work through with your dd, getting her to think about what she would gain from going to the grammar school and making sure she goes despite any fears she may have (otherwise you have unintentionally given in to a whim)
Does her new school have taster days etc, encourage her to see the positives and she'll be fine

Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:55

They had a 5 day space camp at the beginning of the summer holiday. Unfortunately, she didn't like it very much and said it wasn't really fun and everybody else was boring... They also insisted that they would test them on the first day at school and that students would have to be ready to make mistakes as they were used to be first in their previous schools but might not be any more in grammar school. All good prep but DD didn't like the sound of it.
They have a pastoral care team and I will phone them before school starts to make sure she gets as much attention as she can get.

OP posts:
antimatter · 26/08/2014 22:01

He reacted to her pelae of She is not happy because she will miss some of her friends.

I think I would look through grammar school website looking for differences and advantages.
Write it down and read out during mediation.

Gcse results, leavers destination, pastoral care, extra curricula opportunities
anything what in your opinion would be good for her.

You know deep down if she goes to less academic school she will coast, she will be top of the class doing not much and then get into bad habits where she isn't forced to push herself and compare with better peers.

Read other 11+ threads for arguments and copy them down!

Good luck!

inthename · 26/08/2014 22:08

also make pastoral care team aware that you have been to mediation and that dad tried to place her in another school (possibly with a short face to face meeting) because it will all be relevant to how your dd is feelng. Find out if they have a buddy system or similar, if its only 10 minutes from home then she'll soon make friends. Sounds like hes reacted to the whole 'its boring and I don't like it' but to be honest until she gives it a go for at least a term she won't know!

ponymad9 · 26/08/2014 22:18

My nieces are at a grammar school and they love it but they were both really scared before going which is natural. I went to middle school which isn't that usual and also did well in my 11 plus (I am ancient now) but I didn't want to go to grammar school and I have always regretted that I gave my parents such a hard time because my best friend in our road was off the local comp (which was great by the way) but I regret creating a fuss now as I realise that if an opportunity comes your way, it's okay to take it and be adventurous, but it only took me over thirty years to learn that!

Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 22:19

Thank you for your messages. I am indeed gathering league table info and all sorts of data. My DD is very sociable and outgoing and she will make friends in no time - even if she hates me for a few weeks for... forcing her to go to a grammar school!

OP posts:
Flywheel · 26/08/2014 22:20

I think it's important that your daughter feels she is being heard. At the moment, as far as she is concerned you are not listening and don't understand, unlike her dad.
As well as explaining all the advantages the grammar has, could you also make a deal that so long as she tries to make the most of it, you can review the decision at the end of the school year.

Blu · 26/08/2014 22:21

Does she realise that at the end of middle school all her friends could well go to other schools anyway?

Really sorry your STBX has handled this like this.

Original poster
supadoula · 26/08/2014 22:54

I am listening to my DD. I know it is hard for her, especially now that her parents are separating. It is wrong timing but I would really like her to give it a go for a few months, with an open mind and an open heart. I hope I manage to talk to her and get her to understand it is better for her in the long term.

OP posts:
dot1ngdad · 27/08/2014 12:24

Yes, our Gorgeous DD passed her 11+. This was with a year of tuition (I know, as I paid for it, being the primary carer at the time – and now, as it happens). She may well have passed them without tutoring. I write this not because I think she is any less of a wonder, but because that is not the only misdirection in M's account.
DD is a wonderful free spirit, a true humanities girl with a gift for art, performance and literature. She has enjoyed great success at her current school (albeit failing by Ofsted’s measures), has excellent SATs and in fact has taken Level 6 exams as part of a project within the school to stretch gifted pupils. She has participated in school productions and its many external activities. She is happy there and in two years will go to a local school rated as Outstanding. She will then, again, do extremely well and, if she chooses, take a place at the University of her choice.
The Grammar school into which she was accepted is maths and science-led. It is a Good school by Ofsted’s measure, which I believe is disappointing, given that it has an exceptional intake and is funded as an Academy. It is a good 25 minutes away, in another county. There are no transport links to it from our area. It makes no sense either academically, socially or logistically to send her there.
As any doting father would, I contacted her current middle school two months ago to discuss the option of staying on. Only after a thorough conversation with the head teacher did I resolve that her current school was the better option. Why didn’t I discuss this first with her mother? Mostly for the same reasons we will no doubt soon be ex. I am no sucker and would send her to grammar school in a breath if I thought it best.
FYI: I am the primary carer and have been on and off for many years. I have been a school governor and worked for 25 years to help children with exceptional speech and language difficulties. I know advantage when I see it. I have a beautiful relationship with both of my wonderful children and will do all I can to usher them happily through their childhoods, and that includes choosing what I feel, for myriad reasons, is the best school for them.

Pootles2010 · 27/08/2014 12:43

Why did you pay for a years tutoring if you were planning on sending her elsewhere doting?

You say the current head said her school was better - of course she did! Why don't you go for a look round the grammar, with a truly open mind?

SolomanDaisy · 27/08/2014 13:00

OP, name change and get over to the relationships board. Following that lovely stalky post from your DH it is clear that choice of school is a symptom of bigger problems.

Pootles2010 · 27/08/2014 13:13

Soloman they're already split up.

tittifilarious · 27/08/2014 13:15

I don't see there's anything wrong with him putting his version of events across.

Hakluyt · 27/08/2014 13:19

Superdoula- what does the grammar school offer that her current and subsequent school don't?

MillyMollyMama · 27/08/2014 13:32

This is not about choice of school, this is about Power!!! Who has it and who wants it. Being a Governor has nothing to do with choosing a school. Why would a child not be suited to grammar school if she has passed the exam to go there? Obviously, covertly suggesting to child she may not fit in and engineering the situational with her old school (why did the Head just see one parent - a Governor maybe?) will mean the child feels insecure and will divide and rule. If tuition was paid for (by the caring parent) then the grammar school was the intention. Both parents should support the grammar school place and you will damage your child even more if you do not work together.

inthename · 27/08/2014 13:40

Thank you for again placing your soon to be ex wife in a position where she can't discuss anything.
I think mediation will help both of you as you will find that under parental responsibility laws NEITHER of you is entitled to make these decisions without the other and family law and courts now require that you both sit in a room and discuss important things like this.
For whatever the reasons, you paid for tuition, your dd sat the exams, you accepted the place. Up until what sounds like a few weeks ago you were all happy with the decision. Applying for grammar school isn't an overnight process.
Its now extremely important that neither of you place your dd in a position of trying to please either one of you over the other and that she is able to discuss how she genuinely feels with a neutral person.
If the grammar school was so not suitable, why apply in the first place?
Please, as someone who has been there and got the t shirt, don't turn this into a battle but try to see beyond each getting their own way back to what must have been a shared decision and goal once.