Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

DH had decided DD should not go to grammar school - Help!

262 replies

supadoula · 26/08/2014 21:18

Our gorgeous DD passed her 11+ without any tuition and then got into a grammar school 10 minutes away. She is not happy because she will miss some of her friends.
Without my knowledge, DH phoned the headmistress of her previous school (a failing middle school in special measures!) to ask if they would have her back. Of course, they said they would. Now, DD is convinced she is going back to her middle school...
I am going to mediation tomorrow with soon to be ex DH in order to sort this out ASAP. She is registered at the grammar school anyway but I need ammunition so that DH realises that it is his parental duty not to give into his daughter's whims and think about her long term future. Help!!AngrySad

OP posts:
KittiesInsane · 27/08/2014 13:45

OK, so if your DD had tuition and is going to a school 25 mins away, whereas the OP's DD had none and is going to a school 10 mins away... are you sure you are on the right thread? Or did you agree to pop the question to Mumsnet from both sides?

TravellingToad · 27/08/2014 13:47

He is a prick

Hakluyt · 27/08/2014 13:50

"Why would a child not be suited to grammar school if she has passed the exam to go there?"

Lots of reasons. All the exam tests is academic ability. There is far more to school life than academics.

KittiesInsane · 27/08/2014 14:01

I think you might both need to stop doting on the gorgeousness of your wonderful free spirit, actually, and think seriously about the choice between a failing and a good school, and between a good grammar and an outstanding 13-16 comp.

11 year olds are not the same as 16 year olds, and between you, you need to choose the school she will grow up in.

Is the grammar downgraded because they can't show 'outstanding' progress for an already excellent intake, perhaps? If it's science-based, that might mean your daughter finds for the first time that well-taught science is a joy.

Admittedly, it might be the dreary, boring exam factory she seems to fear. Find out.

DeWee · 27/08/2014 14:20

My df failed the 11+ (when he should have passed) and was given the option to move over to the grammar at 13+ and 16+. he refused both times, but said as an adult he realises he would have enjoyed the grammar more and it would have done him a lot better, and he wishes his parents (who had no qualifications having left school at 12/14) had insisted.

Castlemilk · 27/08/2014 14:26

So did she have tuition, or not?

Is the school ten minutes away, or 25?

Is there any point in discussing it at all when one party (or both) simply isn't telling the truth?

DaisyFlowerChain · 27/08/2014 14:26

You both are her parents so need to agree on there school, neither one of you has more say.

It's going to be hard enough on your DD as it is with the split without at least listening too her and letting her feel she has some choice in her life.

Itsfab · 27/08/2014 14:43

At 11 parents need to be making the final decision on the schooling of their child.

I think she should go to the grammar school and make the most of this opportunity.

It would be impossible I would think to re-join the grammar at a later date when she realises what she has thrown away. If the grammar turns out to be the wrong thing to do she can go to the other school. By then I suspect she will have settled in and be enjoying the experience.

OP's EX bog off and leave your ex somewhere private to get support.

zippey · 27/08/2014 15:39

Its good to get both sides of the argument and Im siding with the father on this one. More often than not, children are not being listened to, as if their opinion on the way their life is heading is unimportant.

If the child is talented she will succeed. People put too much emphasis on schools and academic results.

Hakluyt · 27/08/2014 15:59

I'm not siding with anyone- because I don't know who's telling the truth.

zippey · 27/08/2014 16:37

The small details do not matter - is it 10 minutes or 25 minutes away? Was child tutored or not (I believe the father here anyway)

They both agree that the gorgeous wonderful free spirit is sad going to the grammer school and would prefer to be in her other school. The question is do you dismiss this as a parent because you think you know best. Or do you take your childs sadness into account.

Maybe a good chat with the three parties is in order, and then a vote.

Teddingtonmum1 · 27/08/2014 17:50

Had exactly the same problem myself DS got a place at an independant ex put a block on it because of HIS beliefs I took him to court and won the right for my DS to accept the place but still the ex even up to this month is saying he can go to the school down the road. As I've taken on the responsibility for all the fees. the judge said to him your son has got a place at a good school and your problems is what exactly? she saw right thru him, that it was nothing to do with DS but a total power trip to stop me. Didn't get him very far tho. son has been for open day and is excited for the start of school next week despite his father trying to put a damper on everything. Li don't get it I thought that you were supposed to try and get your kids the best you can, trust me my elbows are worn out from all the pushing I had to do to get him where he is right now and it will be a financial struggle on my own but its my DS and I'll do it. Can't understand parents who don't give a fig and just want to make things difficult to prove a point. you need a specific issue order filed in your local county court you can represent yourself its about £250 court fees free if your not working.

Inthename how are things going for u ?

ElephantsNeverForgive · 29/08/2014 16:54

Your DH is mad.
DD2 choose not to do the 11+ because she lives right on the edge of the GS area and getting there is a nightmare. Very long days and GS HW would have been very hard work.

Had it been 10minutes down the road it she would have had no option!

Honestly please assure your DD that most children make different friends at senior school anyway. DD2 has and she's kept in touch with her three DF who went to other schools too.

In fact both my DDs much prefer spending time with people they don't go to school with.

LaQueenOnHerHolibobs · 29/08/2014 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustAShopGirl · 30/08/2014 08:30

ALL children deserve that standard of education. The questions I would be asking about both DD and the school are

Is she academically gifted or did she just pass the test?

Does she thrive at the top of the class, or is she better in the middle or bottom striving for the top?

What is the pastoral care like at the school?

Do they let those who may not pass take an exam anyway, for the experience, or do they protect their academic league table place like hawks?

The answers to these for my DDs all indicated they would NOT be best suited by the local grammar - so they go to a perfectly "good" comp and are thriving.

Hakluyt · 30/08/2014 08:38

"By attending a grammar she will be rubbing shoulders with the very brightest and the best. No one to slow down the lesson, no one holding other pupils back."

....no one to catch "thick" from........

JustAShopGirl · 30/08/2014 08:51

" No one to slow down the lesson, no one holding other pupils back."

this is a common misconception - kids who have the academic ability to pass an 11+ are no different to kids who do not, some actually misbehave too, and there is always a "bottom of the class" it is just relative to a higher "top"....

Hakluyt · 30/08/2014 08:57

"this is a common misconception"

Not just a common misconception- bloody offensive too!

sashh · 30/08/2014 09:26

It is a parent's responsibility to do what is in their child's best interests, even if they (parent and child) don't like it.

dot1ngdad
I counted 15 uses of 'I' and 4 mentions of your dd. I counted because it came across as a list of things about you.

Grow up and think about your daughter. That means talking to your stbxw about your daughter's needs and wants, in that order, what she needs first.

Why did she sit the 11+? Presumably you agreed to that, so why change your mind now? Is it really because the current school is better or is it just about power?

Molio · 30/08/2014 09:28

LaQueen all my DC attend a super selective grammar but in spite of that, or perhaps because of it, I would take issue with the idea that the kids at grammars are 'rubbing shoulders with the very brightest and best'. What a grim characterization!

Hakluyt · 30/08/2014 09:34

I was going to talk about "the brightest and the best" and wonder how a solely academic test at 10 identified "the best" by any definition.

Then I remembered an old thread where LaQueen made it very clear that she didn't want her children queuing for lunch with anyone not capable of getting into a grammar school, so decided not to bother.

TheWordFactory · 30/08/2014 10:39

laqueen if you think a big standard grammar school is going to be full of the brightest children I'm the land, you're going to be. very disappointed!

HouseAtreides · 30/08/2014 10:49

I went to a grammar school, and there were still troublemakers/rotten apples/girls of every ability from bottom to top. It was not some elite hothouse.

HouseAtreides · 30/08/2014 10:50

And it was a well- respected grammar with famous alumni, which attracted pupils from all over the county and beyond.

LaQueenOnHerHolibobs · 30/08/2014 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.