DH had decided DD should not go to grammar school - Help!

[supadoula]

Our gorgeous DD passed her 11+ without any tuition and then got into a grammar school 10 minutes away. She is not happy because she will miss some of her friends.
Without my knowledge, DH phoned the headmistress of her previous school (a failing middle school in special measures!) to ask if they would have her back. Of course, they said they would. Now, DD is convinced she is going back to her middle school...
I am going to mediation tomorrow with soon to be ex DH in order to sort this out ASAP. She is registered at the grammar school anyway but I need ammunition so that DH realises that it is his parental duty not to give into his daughter's whims and think about her long term future. Help!!

The Grammar schools local to me set their own entrance exams on top of the 11+, so tutoring for the test doesn't really help. It's one way of levelling the playing field, I suppose.

Chuckling about the brightest and best shoulder rubbing though. Grammar schools have the same cross section of society as comprehensive schools, just with a group of kids that on average may be brighter than others. Home troubles, teenage rebellion and all of the other things that shape the children through high school level will still be there. It's not an automatic pass to a rose tinted education.

Is it really the case though that selective schools simply need those who are 'cleverest' by taking some test that can't be prepared for. Surely pupils who thrive in selective schools need to also be grafters? They won't be able to just get by on their natural ability. They need to show a willingness to engage prior to getting a place.

There were some right cows at my Grammar School, Keema. Bullying was still rife and lots of,drugs and underage sex. Anyone who thinks selective or expensive education rules this stuff out is mad. You get unpleasant people no matter how posh the family.

Keema. Although grammar schools have the same cross section of society as comprehensive schools there are less 'bad eggs'. The fewer bad eggs also are prepared to work when exam season comes round. The bad eggs at a grammar school will stop behaving badly when threatened with expulsion. The reason being as a 'rule' they don't want to end up with the 'CHAVS' at the Modern ...

The other problem is that at some comprehensive/modern schools a critical mass of bad eggs exist and there is no way to address the behaviour.

I am grateful to DDs1 'Modern' school for realising this and effectively 'segregating' her and the other 20 'high ability' pupils from the rest of the school. The segregating enabled them to meet their potential.

Supadoula... I hope your mediation went in your favour, only a few days til school starts so wish you all the best.

Dot1ngdad, hope you will stop poking your nose in your ex wife's threads. You sound very bitter and controlling man. Hope she will be able to find some space for herself away from your freaking attitude.

OP I'm sorry. I thought but forgot to say that your ex is exceptionally low for stalking you. Phenomenally bad username too. Poor you, and good luck.

Word you knew nothing, you just worried - very possibly needlessly. The work probably hasn't done your DS too much harm. It's all so unnecessarily complicated in retrospect. So much easier when you've done it all before.

prettywhiteguitar he's not the first and he won't be the last but the very fact of doing it marks him out as a very disturbing controller.

Stalking/trolls who knows? But if this is genuine, then both parents bring valid points. My view is you don't let an 11 choose their school based on where their mates go.

Its a wonderful opportunity and on your doorstep. My dd travels 20 miles to attend grammer and didn't know a soul when she started. A year on she has loads of friends, she only sees on friend from old school very occasionally.

Both do indeed bring valid points Portofino but only one is stalking the other, and closely - a very weird and threatening character trait.

Also, are the ex's professed concerns, however objectively valid, actually genuinely held? Or are they motivated more by a need to cosy up to the DD and alienate her from the mum? The fact that the ex is stalking so weirdly suggests that as a reasonable possibility at least.

Very unpleasant.

Ewww, how creepy stalking your stbx.

OP I'm so sorry you've been denied a voice on your own thread. Not okay to stalk you through the net. What does it matter that he gets to 'win' on here too? Surely only someone who wants to silence and dominate.

Rather disgusting. I hope you change names and get back on here for some support.

Why has everyone assumed that the XH has "stalked" her onto this thread? In the OP it was stated that she wanted to use this thread as "ammunition". Is it not entirely possible that she sent him this thread? I think the stalker accusation is a bit strong. A lot of initial responses seemed to assume that he was NRP and that OP was the primary carer. Some even suggested that as NRP his only right was to be told what school his daughter would be attending. He came on to say that actually he is the child's primary carer and to justify his choice. He could be a lying controlling stalker or he might just have been responding to a half-truthful thread sent to him by his ex. Who knows.

Yes - my first thought was that Op had sent him a link to try and show him that he was being ridiculous.

The sad thing is that there's a child in the middle of this.

I think both parents need to remember this and both honestly think what's best for their child. One school will be better so one parent is wrong. They both need to reexamine the situation without prejudice and consider if its them that's wrong.

I would be dubious about keeping my dc at a failing school. Yes, a bright child will do well even at a failing school but they'll do a dam sight better at a non failing school. As long as it isn't a school which makes the DC miserable.

And that's the problem. How do you know? Have you talked to parents with kids at the grammar and got opinions?

My dd passed the 11plus but didnt go to the grammar. She scraped a pass and I reckon is happier been top of a comprehensive school that bottom of a grammar. So its worked for her. However she isn't pushed and I have no doubt that her exam results won't be as good as if she'd gone to the grammar. But I also think she's a happier child than if she'd gone to the grammar.

Meant to say, difference been that the comp we had the choice of was rated good.

Is there not a third school you can consider? One that isn't failing?

Oh this is so familiar. My parents did exactly the same. DM wanted me in one school, DF wanted me in another. In the end the local authority intervened, sent them both a scathing letter telling them to grow up and put me in a school of their choice. Sad times.

Viva - my child is at the grammar and I've offered my perspective but it doesn't look like the OP is coming back.

Just read your post Rowan, how sad for your dd.

Have you thought about moving her?

Have you thought about reporting the school to a higher authority? No school is free of bullying to some extent or another, but to be engaged in a policy which actively encourages it is heinous. No, I certainly wouldn't want my child at a school that does that. They are failing the bullies and the bullied.

Viva - I've wanted to for a while but DC believes this is the only chance of a decent education and wants to ride it out despite the misery.

YeGods - Sadly the school has left me with no other choice but to consider seeking some form of redress. The incidents are becoming increasingly serious. If they continue, As I'm sure they will while the staff turn a blind eye, I will have to do something to keep DC safe.

Quintessentially, you may believe that a bright child can do well in any school but that does not mean it is true. I went to a crap comprehensive in a poor area where the teachers gave up on us. It never occurred to me that I couldbe a lawyer, engineer, doctor, just wasn't on the horizon. Instead at our careers sessions, a worker from the local bank came and encouraged us to become bank clerks at £100 a week. Several of my smart peers, who at other schools would have become lawyers etc, took this option. One even decided to do this instead of a levels (only two kids in a year of 250 did a levels). It is not just about grades, it is about schools having expectations and aspiration for kids. In the Scottish city I live in four schools have no or one percent of pupils getting the minimum standard used for higher grades in the city's school guide. You cannot convince me that these schools have no bright pupils. The schools have just given up on them.