DH had decided DD should not go to grammar school - Help!

[supadoula]

Our gorgeous DD passed her 11+ without any tuition and then got into a grammar school 10 minutes away. She is not happy because she will miss some of her friends.
Without my knowledge, DH phoned the headmistress of her previous school (a failing middle school in special measures!) to ask if they would have her back. Of course, they said they would. Now, DD is convinced she is going back to her middle school...
I am going to mediation tomorrow with soon to be ex DH in order to sort this out ASAP. She is registered at the grammar school anyway but I need ammunition so that DH realises that it is his parental duty not to give into his daughter's whims and think about her long term future. Help!!

I believe that a bright child can do well in any good school, but Britain being the Elitist society that it is, having attended a good grammar or independent will look good on any resume and welcome the child into "the club" and set him/her apart.

My son gained a place at an independent. He was a bright child doing very well at his nurturing and outstanding primary.

He is stressed with the pressure at the independent, and he is frustrated by not being in the top set anymore. OPs daughter has a valid concern here.

I honestly think that a school that can turn out a good education for a myriad of children of different ability levels is BETTER at education than a school were all the children start very high up the ladder. Ops ex seem to recognize this.

My son did not know anybody when he started s 7. He was looking forward to starting s 7 and making new friends, and he is not looking forward to starting s 8 now. I asked him why the difference and he said "I did not know last year that most of the other children are superior arseholes" So, now I am not looking forward to s 8 either. Ops daughter is right to be concerned about friendships and fitting in. However, friendships should not be dictating where a child is educated.

If you are of the belief that there is more to a childs development than a (at least on paper) good education, you may chose to go for the school where the child may shine and build up their confidence, rather than building it down.

That is just my take. (And yes, we are anticipating a change in schools for our son before Christmas, and I will be to a outstanding state secondary we have been in touch with)

Jesus, there are some offensive attitudes on this thread.....

supadoula's daughter's potential school takes the top 30% and successfully caters for a wide ability range. Any concerns about friendships and bullying should be carefully considered because this is the area that is a particular problem in this school.

And is Rowan the OPs ex sister in law, or neighbour?

Is this a private reunion thread?

LQ I know you are pleased, and that is of course good. I'm not being especially anti-grammar on this - just that the idea of who is tutored purely for a bit of familiarity and who is tutored to within an inch of his life is a bit subject to construction. And like most, I did find the 'shoulder rubbing' comment a bit dubious!

Nope. As I said earlier in the thread, I recognise the school from her and her ex husband's posts as the school my child attends. The school is great educationally but my child is having a terrible time there with bullying that isn't being addressed by the staff at all.

(and I think yours is the strongest voice scorning 'brutal tutoring' anyway! I don't really care how anyone gets there - or, I do, but I'm more concerned with the broader unfairness and invidious nature of such a system.)

QQS at our school any air of superiority or arrogance is usually knocked out quite quickly when those used to being at the top suddenly aren't. From that point of view selective schools are an excellent leveller. Same goes for the best universities, if by any chance a student turns up convinced wrongly that they're the bees knees and the cleverest thing since sliced bread.

smokepole many, many grammars are on the cusp of joining the few which have already adopted the 'untutorable for' tests. That can only be good.

Sadly in ds' school it is not the brightness and good grades that bring about the superiority and bullying, but rather the childs wealth and parentage...

smokepole good luck to yout DD! DD1 was the same, in some ways. She only just got into a grammar here (easiest one to get into) but although was gifted in some ways, some things she really struggled with. Eventual (different) diagnosis and treatment and her acceptance and coming to terms has meant she actually got the results your DD is predicted (plus another 4 Bs) and is off to a superselective for sixth form, where her sibling is.

Good luck to your DD OP. The 11+ should give you an indication of your DD's abilities and yes, being offered a place at grammer school when they didn't get tutored should tell you that is a good environment for them. It isn't a good learning environment for many though.

One of the best things about DS. School is that he's just one of many... I really did not want him to be an outlier at school.

Ah, have just caught up and read your opening post, dot1ingdad.

I don't know the schools involved, but from the extra information given (child is set and tested at level six and extended in current school, so she herself is not being 'failed' by the school; the grammer is more maths/science and that isn't where child's interests lie) she grammar school might not be such a great match for her. Worth considering the whole picture.

Please though, don't go down the 'doting dad' route, as it just rises heckles or makes people want to hurl.

Your dh is an arse, however isn't your best port of call talking to your dd.
Irrespective of your stbx or yourself for that matter you want your dd to be happy.
Talk to her and let her understand and take in the points you raise, one of which is whatever high school you go to it is unlikely you stay friends with primary school friends.
tell her she will make new friends whichever school she goes to.
They are old enough to be reasoned with, and once she sees this and changes her mind there is no issue with stbx.

Thanks Catcushion. I was not counting the 2 B grades expected , I hope she does not end up with 10 B grades. I expect to be 'attacked' for rubbishing B grades now...

Where does one draw the line, though? I mean, you were a bit more confident that your child wouldn't fail without tutoring, the parents who started in year 3 were more worried theirs would fail. You all obviously had a bit of fear that your children wouldn't pass on their own, or else you wouldn't bother, surely? Which is perfectly understandable of course, but makes scorn towards those who were just a bit more frightened than you a little bit strange!

LaQueen obviously there are some completely mad parents out there - the sort you describe - but there really is no escaping the fact that tutoring weekly for a year is intensive, even for a super selective grammar. Your DD does objectively fall into the category of intensively tutored child, assuming she was receiving a satisfactory education elsewhere. That's not to say she wouldn't have passed in any event because obviously intensively tutored children can be as bright or brighter than the wholly untutored , but there's no doubt that she received the advantage in the test that the new tests are intended to counter.

It's all rather odd. DS had to work bloody hard for his scholarship to W. I mean I didn't have to sort it, the prep school did all that, but he had to do homework and past papers etc. I didn't consider it brutal nor did I worry he wouldn't cope once he got in. I just knew he would not get a place and certainly not a scholarship if we just winged it,

If doting dad is really the dad here then his perspective is interesting, thinking about the broader perspective, and as some other posters have mentioned, a clever child will do well in most schools. Academic hot house is not for everyone, especially if they have to be tutored to get in in the first place. My choices for secondary include the mega rigid hot house catholic school which is considered one of the best in Brussels. I won't send my child there as I feel nuns should form no part of her education, even if that education is exemplary. And that there is a better, more rounded choice in either the other catholic school, or the local commune school. All these schools are comprehensives in a practical sense. They do not / cannot select according to ability.

I suppose I believe in true social mobility where you cannot buy advantage in education either by tutoring or private schools. All children should have the same opportunity. I do realise that catchments and house prices put paid to that anyway.

I cannot believe you have stalked your ex-wife and posted on her thread.

This, you are incredibly intrusive posting in a discussion created by your ex-dw

Learn some boundaries