DH had decided DD should not go to grammar school - Help!

[supadoula]

Our gorgeous DD passed her 11+ without any tuition and then got into a grammar school 10 minutes away. She is not happy because she will miss some of her friends.
Without my knowledge, DH phoned the headmistress of her previous school (a failing middle school in special measures!) to ask if they would have her back. Of course, they said they would. Now, DD is convinced she is going back to her middle school...
I am going to mediation tomorrow with soon to be ex DH in order to sort this out ASAP. She is registered at the grammar school anyway but I need ammunition so that DH realises that it is his parental duty not to give into his daughter's whims and think about her long term future. Help!!

How did mediation go?

By attending a grammar she will be rubbing shoulders with the very brightest and the best

Or the most heavily tutored average children.

No bosom hoiking here. DS attends one of the most selective schools in the uk. Just chuckling at the notion that the 'brightest And best' will be found in a bog standard Gs school is all .

You will certainly be "rubbing shoulders" with the brightest in your area as judged by an academic test on a day or two when they were 10. But "best"?

Make her go no matter what. She doesn't know what's right for her. She will thank you for it later on. She can meet with her friends in the weekend. She will also make new friends quickly. Good luck but don't give in.

Word in fact you're the absolute queen of bosom hoiking here, with pulling out the DS super dooper super selective card from your educationally ample cleavage .

It doesn't really matter what kind of school it is, does it? Ex-DH can't just change plans unilaterally like this! Same if you'd both decided she should stay at middle school until 13, and then he cancelled that and made it that she had to go to the grammar!

Could the school put you in touch with anyone going up into the 2nd year (sorry, my DD is in Year 1 and all the new years confuse me!) who she could meet up with who would be likely to be nice and sympathetic and could make her feel better about it?

Obviously your DH is being a selfish fool and putting point scoring ahead of your DD's future but you need a twin-pronged attack I think.

Long time lurker here, but had to pipe up as from your mention of space camp and specialisms, I think I know the school and would like to offer a balanced view.

Although it has maths and science specialisms, it has recently appointed a head of drama and offers lots of English, humanities and drama opportunities. As suggested by a previous poster, science teaching is indeed exceptional and if that doesn't instil a love of the subject in your daughter, she will at least enjoy the lessons.

If your daughter is as sociable and outgoing as you say, she will fit in and thrive at the school. Unfortunately, my child is none of those things and has suffered terribly from bullying and has spent the summer dreading the thought of returning. The school is useless at dealing with bullying and actively protects bullies, especially if they are popular or good at sports.

Think carefully about the influences you choose for your daughter and about the kind of young adult you would like her to become. School policies and the way they are implemented can shape children as much as anything else can. Would you be happy for her to spend the next five to seven years in a school where the majority are encouraged to turn on the vulnerable?

It is presented as a very happy school, which I'm sure it is for most, just not for all. Good luck to her wherever you choose to send her in the end.

molio you too! But I think one thing we can all agree on is no matter how selective the school, there is no way in contains ' the brightest and the best. '

There's a huge difference between children intensively tutored for 2 years, just to scrape a bare pass - and children who perhaps do some prep/tutoring and achieve really high scores

Well, quite - and one of those differences is probably in the way their parents spin it, no?

I am in favour of academic selection at 11, its how you choose though that needs looking at. DD1 was refused entry to grammar despite scoring 380 out of 420 in 2007 (360) is deemed a pass in Kent because she only scored 104 on NVR (118) being the lowest score , accepted on any of the three categories. The point is to judge some-ones academic ability on a test on one day and take no account of some-ones Dyslexia when doing NVR proves success at the 11+ is 'random' and takes no account of 'disability'.

To say that they are full of only the 'very brightest' is not true obviously they are bright kids but you need to be aware of equally bright kids who failed a random test!.

The truth though is no matter how random the system can be, you really need to take advantage of the offer of a place.

Word I'd definitely argue that there's no necessary correlation between 'brightest' and 'best'. I'd also agree that grammars especially in grammar areas are really not very selective at all, in the scheme of things. I also think masses of not great indies set a test which almost no kid could fail, so that the kid is then thought by suggestible parents to have been 'selected' - in other words just quite a crude marketing ploy.

1300 girls Queen - I can't think of anything worse! Mixed is way better. My girls would have gone potty, upped sticks and left.

Yes Nit, it seems to be standard form to deny that ones kids were tutored even when they were tutored to within an inch of their lives. Favoured line seems to be claiming that the brilliant kid in question only had extra lessons to be 'stretched', as it was so bored at its primary:) Or to say 'only an hour a week plus homework'......

To avoid confusion I meant for entry to year 7 September 2007.

"I am in favour of academic selection at 11,"

Why?

I know you never had any such suspicion LoQ, but I think you must see that your argument is a little fortuitous.

I'm sure a lot of the parents of 'the brightest and best' (with those all-important shoulders) will have oft-repeated mantras like, 'Of course DC would have walked the 11+ with a bag on his head, but we just really felt he would benefit from a few years gaining familiarity with the layout of the papers, a soupcon of homework and just the odd practice test'.

"DD1 was refused entry to grammar despite scoring 380 out of 420 in 2007 (360) is deemed a pass in Kent because she only scored 104 on NVR (118) being the lowest score , accepted on any of the three categories"

Interesting. Why do you say "refused entry" when what happened was that your dd didn't pass the 11+?

Hi super and dot1ng, I am wondering who out of you two is dd's main carer? Who ever that is I would say has the most 'right' to co-choose the school with dd.

I believe a child's happiness is more important than academic achievement.

Hakulut. I believe those who have academic ability (especially those from difficult backgrounds) need to be separated to achieve their best.

I was educated at ' La Manche' in Folkestone in the 80s which was a 'sink' school , the truth though even if it had been a Comprehensive it still would have been a 'sink'. Grammar schools at least give/gave 'some' kids the chance of a good learning environment. Academic selection is not wrong, what is wrong though is to base it on one day and for the exams to take no account of Dyspraxia/ Dyslexia when deciding on some-ones academic potential.

The interesting thing though is that the few who pass the 11+ with Dyspraxia/Dyslexia symptoms after initially struggling can go on to be the highest achievers at grammar school.

The 11+ needs to stay but has to be 'radically' changed so that bright children whose parents cannot afford 'training' get in. The 11+ also should not discriminate against bright children who suffer from 'learning disabilities'.

"Hakulut. I believe those who have academic ability (especially those from difficult backgrounds) need to be separated to achieve their best."

That's what top sets are for.

Hakulut. The reason I say refused entry, because plainly she was of 'selective ability' I was also told that if the 'Head ' of the primary school had backed an appeal she would likely have been admitted. The reason the head refused was because of ' idealogical' reasons he 'loathes' grammar schools and believes the only way to improve the 'high schools' are for bright children
like DD1 to go to them. ( I am so 'pleased' he choose to use DD1 as a political football). DD1 is Dyslexic and probably could not see all the dots on a NVR exam.
DD1 has been very 'fortunate' that his decision has not 'Fucked' her future and was down to the fact of sending her to the least worst available Modern school and to live with her father.

The result has been that DD1 came out with ABB at A2, (the only A grade this year from her school) and a place @ Leicester for Forensic Science.

DD2 'only' just passed her 11+ with 362 she was struggling massively in year 7 ( the school advised moving her) she was diagnosed with moderate Dyspraxia the resulting help has enabled her to go from ' the girl who should not be there' to hopefully attaining 4A* and 4As for her GCSEs next June and eventually in to teaching ( though her attitude 'I only want to teach grammar and private needs to change').