How do you describe being a stay-at-home mum to others?

[Stillhoping1990]

What do you say when people ask when are you going back to work or what do you do for work? Do you just say I’m a stay at home mum? Or is there another way of saying it? I’m always finding I need to then go on to justify my choice etc. A friend of mine calls herself a ‘home maker’.

The terminology stay-at-home parent is pretty silly. I'm sure that most SAHPs go out and about with their kids!

Being a SAHP is work, for sure. So I much prefer the difference to be described as working for pay or not working for pay. Or working outside the home. I suppose you could say "I work inside the home," but you're still working as a SAHP when you take the kids out to activities or do the school run or run family errands.

On balance, if I was a SAHP, I'd probably say "I work inside the home." I think that's so much more accurate than "I don't work." Also reminds the listener that there's a lot of work to be done in being a SAHP, which everybody knows, really, even if they judge.

I go in blunt - 'i dont do anything, I just take care of my dd - cook and clean' and then laugh and move on

Why would you say, ‘lucky enough’? I’m sure there was no fluke to this or tossing a coin?!! Just say you wanted to. If it’s something you’re happy with and enjoy, just say that! There’s no need to be apologetic about it. Own it and be proud of your choices.

School teachers teach. Afterschool workers keep safe and entertained. Childminders change nappies and feed and cuddle. Grandparents grandparent. While the mother isn’t there, nobody is mothering. It’s good that children don’t need to be mothered every minutes of their lives, isn’t it. Some children get more mothering than others though. Children who spend more time with their mothers, get more mothering. It’s obvious, isn’t it?

Same goes for fathering. Exactly the same.

And if both parents work, exactly the same goes for parenting.

Is that not true?

I just say I'm a stay at home mum, or "wrangler of small people". It's never occurred to me that I'd need to justify it and nobody has ever made me feel that way.

I personally feel like I'm "lucky enough" to work because I worked hard to forge a career that I love and which pays well.
I wouldn't feel at all "lucky" if I was a SAHP.

I feel lucky to have a choice and I chose my children over my career so they wouldn’t need a full time nanny or full time institutional day care. So really, my children are the luckiest.

That’s something they decide, not you. When they are of an age to tell you. We don’t decide if we are great parents;

they do.

Ive never had crying babies being torn from my arms and taken into the arms of strangers so i can continue my fabulous career.
They are extremely happy kids and I can decide if they're are happy because I see them smiling and laughing everyday. I say they are the lucky ones and the ones we should be thinking of instead of what’s best for us. I didn’t have kids so I can do what’s best for me all the time I had kids so I can raise them.

I never had a crying baby torn from my arms by strangers either. That’s a very dramatic perspective of being a working parent.

My DD is probably the happiest teenager you’ve ever met (I know that’s an anathema) and I even have the audacity to travel for work regularly. She’s about to sit the first half of her GCSEs knowing there is nothing she can’t be because she’s watched me do jt.

I didn’t have kids so I can do what’s best for me all the time I had kids so I can raise them.

While their father………..?

I always think, if someone is lashing out at other people's choices then they must have some degree of unhappiness about their life.

Because I don't judge anyone, people can stay at home, work part time , work very full time. Whatever works for their family. I feel a little sad for those trapped doing something that wouldn't have been their first choice, but even then the wisdom of years tells me that they don't need to feel bad about it.

As I look around at my lovely teens and their equally lovely friends there is no way I could tell you who had SAHM/working parents, or who was breastfed /bottle-fed, or whatever else it is that people like to debate. They are all a fabulous and hard working bunch of teens and you realise that decent parenting that raises happy teens and adults can take many forms.

Pretty much all the children I know only went to nursery part time. By preschool they often went only the same amount of time as their peers with SAHM. And my daughter keeps trying to persuade me to have another baby so she has an excuse to go back to preschool

Who’s had:
their babies torn from their arms
doesn’t see their dc daily
doesnt raise their dc
all to go to work?
it’s the long winded “but am a FULL TIME MUMMY ME!!” Isn’t it?

I think the problem in saying you're (incredibly) lucky is you're implicitly saying the working person you're talking to is unlucky and also some of us enjoy our jobs. I mean I love my daughter and spend a lot of time thinking about her and doing things for her, but I would have been so bored and frustrated being on leave for more than the 9 months I took. I'd have to have a bit of a think how to respond to that "lucky" comment because I'd be secretly thinking argh no income, no pension contributions...!

@

DD's nursery was so lovely DH and I fantasised about going there ourselves and not even bothering with work tbh 😂. There was a pony, angora rabbits and a "wild" piano in the bushes.

Sorry for random @.

@Stillhoping1990 I posted way back at the beginning of the thread that in reality most people don't actually care if someone is a SAHP or not.
But some of the stuff you are saying now makes me want to roll my eyes and try not to laugh.
People say the phrase "you do you" frequently about other people's lives.... because really they don't care that much.
But saying stuff like "crying babies being torn from their arms" is a horrible and incredibly bitchy thing to say.
You are a SAHM.
So what?
So are millions of others.
It isn't the revolutionary "lifestyle choice" you think it is.... it's just life.

Financially I didn’t need to work - I wanted to. DT’s were never torn from me by going to nursery. The nursery staff also became family friends and two of the key workers became our long term babysitters and DH stood in and gave one of them away at her wedding when her father suddenly died.
DT’s are now in their mid 20’s so I’ve the advantage of being able to look back at their childhood and see that we made a success of it. Having two full time working parents was a positive for our DT’s - there were no negatives. Happy, healthy and successful DT’s - DH and I have ticked the right boxes!

@Stillhoping1990 My daughter didn't have a full time nanny or full time "institutional" day care when I returned to my career - she had a combination of her father and her grandmother caring for her.
Could your husband not have considered becoming the SAHP at all?

If someone asks what I do for work I just say "nothing at the minute". It's factual and avoids over explaining.

It's a bit of a minefield otherwise I think. Lots of people are indifferent, obviously. But others either feel sorry for me because they love their career or the security it brings, or they are envious because they would have liked to have the option to stay at home too. Honestly, I find either reaction quite uncomfortable so try to avoid getting into conversations about my decision with anyone except who isn't a good friend.

What on earth are you talking about, are you ok? I don’t know anyone who has had a crying baby torn from their arms.

Op you don’t need to attack other women to justify your decision to stay home. You don’t need to feel awkward qhen you say you don’t work.. It’s ok, no one judges you,

you need to be comfortable with your life choices. And when you are, you won’t feel awkward and you won’t be attacking other women,.

Oh, this is a horrible comment. I'm a sahm but I don't judge parents that work fulltime at all. Different things work for different families. Your level of defensiveness makes me think you're not as happy with your decision as you are making out.

Your children would still be happy if they went to nursery. If you'd rather work don't make a martyr of yourself... no one will thank you in the long run (and you won't be able to tell which of your children's friends had a SAHP once they are older, I promise... it just doesn't make that much of a difference).

You're sounding ridiculous now. I can only assume that you are insecure about your own choices and feel the need to convince yourself that your kids will somehow be happier or luckier than the children of WOHMs in order to feel better about your own life. The extensive research evidence doesn't back you up though, and neither does my own personal experience.

If you want to SAH with your kids and your partner is happy to support that, then that is a perfectly valid choice and you do not have to justify it to anyone. You do not have to big up your own choice by negatively stereotyping working mums or pretending that their children will somehow suffer because they have chosen to maintain their career.

Just enjoy your own lifestyle choices and let other people get on with theirs. Strong bonds between parents and their children are hugely important for the children's wellbeing and development. Those bonds do not, however, depend on the question of whether or not the mum works.