How do you describe being a stay-at-home mum to others?

[Stillhoping1990]

What do you say when people ask when are you going back to work or what do you do for work? Do you just say I’m a stay at home mum? Or is there another way of saying it? I’m always finding I need to then go on to justify my choice etc. A friend of mine calls herself a ‘home maker’.

Don't say that! It's a nonsense. You do none of those things as a mum/wife/homemaker. Allow people their dignity, changing your own child's bum is not the same as being a paid or professional carer. Driving your kid to football does not make you a chauffeur..

FFS, just own it and say you're home with the kids. That will raise absolutely zero eyebrows and conversation will swiftly move on.

If you come out with some bullshit about running a small company comprising your 2 kids or whatever people will judge!

Being a mother is a relationship and SAH to look after children is a lifestyle choice. It isn't a job - you don't have a salary or a manager or appraisals etc, or any of the other things that go along with having a job.

That's not to say that there is no work involved in being a SAHP, but that alone doesn't make it a job. Equally, WOHPs who do domestic work in the evenings or at weekends don't have two jobs because of this.

I assumed that the post you're quoting was a joke, no?

Oh was it? I read it as well meaning advice 😁 oops

Yeah, it was a joke - or at least, you would SAY it as a joke!

I do normally have a sense of humour @ForCosyLion !! sorry I failed to grasp it here!

I believe you! Thousands wouldn't! 😂

God don’t start bleating on about how lucky you are… I find that so insufferable

Just say, quite simply, ‘I’m a SAHM’ you don’t have to mention what you plan to do in future, do you?

If they judge you, well that’s their problem.

I was a SAHM for 5 years and never felt like I had to explain myself to anyone.

My youngest will start reception in September and I also have no plans to return to work. Financially I'm not dependent on DH's salary and I have enough income and savings to cover retirement (or if he left me or was made redundant) so I've no concerns there. I'm just looking forward to having time to get on with things I enjoy, and I certainly won't be spending the time "staying at home"!

Ah, well if you're financially independent/have a private income that's yours alone, then rock on!

This is different though right, you’re independently wealthy with a passive income and don’t rely on your husband so don’t ever need to work again due to that, that’s a minority. Well I think both you and the op in this boat in here, but most women who become stay at home parents aren’t in this boat.

I agree. For example I think dh is lucky to be in a career he loves; it is his passion. I am envious because I on the other hand have ended up in a load of jobs I hate, and not for want of trying! I haven't enjoyed any of them, and started working at 15 while doing my GCSES and (cash in hand), and then all through Uni etc. I left full time work to be a "SAHM" when my dc was born as I realised child care costs, the commute, a job and manager I hated were not worth leaving my child for. In addition, dc had developmental delays, wasn't crawling etc, I couldn't leave him unless I really had to, and handed my notice in on maternity leave. I hated the lifestyle change at first, it was a massive adjustment, and being what I now know AuADHD he was such a demanding baby and toddler. When dc2 came along I felt more settled, although being pregnant with a demanding toddler was physically and mentally very difficult. Now I look back and treasure that time, as relentless as it was. It makes me pleased when dc1 will say he remembers all of the nice things we did together, and how he loved that time. This means the world to me, especially from him, and at a time I felt I was epically failing!
I am very fortunate to work from home now during school hours, and be there with dcs when they're home.

If I could go back, I wish I wouldn't have worried what people thought; they don't walk in your shoes, or know the intricacies of your life.

@Stillhoping1990 Working mum here. Daughter of a hugely successful professional mother who was a career high flyer in the 70s and 80s in a patriarchal Asian country. If someone says I'm a SAHM I don't feel remotely envious. I think 'well better you than me.' I adore my children but I couldn't wait for mat leave to finish. Spending 24/7 with my very tiny babies with little to no adult company was not a lot of fun. I didn't do well with the baby stage and found it oh so dull. Now they are 10 and 15 and they are great.

And like I did when they were small, I don't work from 3:30-7:30 (ish). I'm all theirs. And then I work at night (which is often when the teenager wants a chat about life as well). DH and I both work compressed hours so our kids have only ever been in childcare for 3 days a week, and we've managed such that they have never needed more than 1 day of wraparound care once they hit school age. I feel very fortunate that I love my job, and I've been able to keep it going while also spending time with my kids.

There are many versions of SAHMs and working mums. There are those who have been forced into the former by unsupportive husbands who won't split the childcare bill or see it as a family expense. And will refuse to do any chores/housework/parenting. There are working mums and dads who spend very little time with their kids and to the point that they barely see their kids. Some of them because they find parenting a chore, but many because they work so many jobs to keep their family afloat. There are others where someone is a SAHM but helps in the family business or work very part time or freelance. Just a few examples of many to throw out there.

Well in fact judging by all your posts on this thread, you do seem a little jealous. You come across as if you need to have a job to have an identity. That is poor self-worth.

To be honest thay reads like you’re just lashing out.

“running a small company” or “domestic engineer” are incredibly cringe

I agree with this. I think it's extremely beneficial to the children, home, and family unit to have a SAHP. It makes sense - of course a job is done best when someone can focus on one role. That's not a criticism of working parents, it's just common sense. I have no skin in the game since I'm not a SAHP myself, as I hate domestic work with a passion. If we look at a family as one unit, it makes perfect sense to divide the labour. One earns the money, the other does most of the rest.

The part that pisses me off no end is that it's always the woman who is the SAHP. And also that marriage is so unstable these days that women make themselves vulnerable to a degree that would be unacceptable to me, in order to be a SAHP. Far too many men either cheat or leave their wives - and they have every excuse in the book for the latter, but it often boils down to wanting to sleep with other people again, imo.

It was different in the old days, when marriage was very stable and you could actually raise a family on one average income, including buying a family-size house.

But those days are long over for most, and now us women are stuck with twice the amount of work that we had in the Fifties. 🤬

It’s just never beneficial to the individual.

See I think it’s very beneficial to have two working parents, for children to be socialised, financial security and parents to model a gender equal relationship and strong work ethic, becaude parenthood is for life, not just the early years.

@Favouritefruits That's fair enough. Equally, however, I see myself as 'lucky enough" to be a working mum.

i just say I’m a stay at home mum. I know some people are judgey but honestly nobody becomes a SAHM for the status. We do it because it’s the right choice for our families, and that’s enough. You just have to be comfortable with that.

Since becoming a SAHM I’ve been told “oh it must be nice to retire so young!” and ive had a couple of well meaning people ask if i could take on some part time minimum wage work which really brought home to me how being a SAHM is viewed. I gave up a fairly high flying career where I was taking home 6 figures post tax to look after my 2 children (neither are in school yet). the idea that I would have given up that career to do minimum wage work for someone else is crazy to me, but they assumed I would secretly want to be working rather than being with my kids. so i guess people don’t see being home with children in the early years as a valid choice, and more something we are forced into. so i would never describe myself as lucky (even though i am) because it sounds either smug or nonsensical to other people.

Working mums are mums 100% of the time. Even if their children are at boarding school or away on holiday with grandparents. Being a mother is a status, not an activity. It’s a noun, not a verb.

Working mums are absolutely not doing 100% of the mothering. How can they be if they’re physically 10 miles away from their children in their workplace sitting in a meeting with the rest of their work team? And before anyone says “but they’re working to earn a salary to pay for the roof over their children’s heads” - yes they are. As if the dad (normally) who never get called into this debate to define themselves as working dads. The dad bit is secondary, as it is with mothers who work while other people are dealing with their kids.

Theres no value-judgement from me on any of this. Women have choices or not; they do what they have to do or want to do. Different things at different times mostly, too. It’s just a statement of fact.

Of course they are doing 100 percent of th4 mothering, what a silly comment, you think school teachers mother?

And what whose doing the fathering??

’Home maker’ makes me want to throw up 🤣 I do just say ‘I’m a stay at home mum at the moment’ like I need to instantly justify that it’s not forever haha