How do you describe being a stay-at-home mum to others?

[Stillhoping1990]

What do you say when people ask when are you going back to work or what do you do for work? Do you just say I’m a stay at home mum? Or is there another way of saying it? I’m always finding I need to then go on to justify my choice etc. A friend of mine calls herself a ‘home maker’.

Why do you care what other people think? I went back to work full time when DT’s were six months old. Financially I’ve never needed to work but chose to continue with my career. If others think I was wrong - so what - that’s their problem!

Don’t assume that every working parent wants to be a SAHP, and is working because they have to. All the working parents I know work because they want to maintain a career they love. And they don’t just see their kids to tuck them in at night either! Some how the also manage to be present and involved parents.

Im not a SAHM but my husband is a SAHD mostly. He generally just says he's not working at the moment. Loads of SAHM at my son's school and I've never batted an eyelid at anyone saying so.

The "I'm lucky" phrasing would feel a bit weird to me as in I wouldn't say "I'm lucky enough to have a great job" for fear of sounding boastful. That's probably my own issue though maybe we should all be more proud of our choices! Actually I've probably said (in response to people asking how I manage childcare when travelling, for example) that I'm lucky that DH can pick all that up. So maybe that's not really any different!

This, at least the term on this page isn’t the tweet “full time mummy” 🙄

@TerracottaBowl respectfully, it looks good on a job application though.....😅

Oh for God's sake - she's being humorous

I agree re the ‘I’m lucky…’ it introduces a value judgement which I think is what you want to avoid. Just state the facts. ‘No I’m not in paid work,I’m at home with the children for now.’

if you are secure in your choice you won’t feel the need to justify it any further.

Yes I have to agree on ‘I’m lucky’ setting the wrong tone. Also wrong to say ‘full time mum’ as that suggests that working mums are not mums!

It’s difficult isn’t it, especially if you’ve had a career type job before as it almost becomes part of your identity and you then feel as if you’ve lost social status by giving it up! Just own it and say you’re not working at the moment, you’re making a different choice for your family and it’s nobody else’s business really, any judgement is more of a reflection on them.

Are you financially secure if (hopefully it won’t happen but in case it does) you and your partner split up? It seems very vulnerable to never work even once they are in school, not even part time.

If pushed I would say ‘it’s what works for our family just now’ which was very true. DH had a demanding job which was very inflexible. So with me not working we didn’t have to stress about sick days, pick ups etc.

It doesn’t have to be framed s the equivalent of ‘a job’, it’s just what you are doing at that point in time.

personally I find the whole homemaker / domestic engineer / SAHM / FT mum ‘job titles’ a bit cringe

I agree, if someone said to me I’m lucky I am a stay at home mum, I’d think one of two things. 1/ if the husband isn’t wealthy I’d assume they couldn’t afford child care and she didn’t earn much when she did work, or I’d think a bit lazy.

I’d not see it as a positive, because it was something I chose not to do,I’d only think lucky if independently financially wealthy.

id not advise putting a value judgement on it. As you are likely talking to someone who doesn’t see that choice as preferable, and if your husband isn’t wealthy and you don’t appear to be, I’d make a value judgement back as I’d feel you were over justifying.

I had lots of judgement.
I said "I am lucky enough to be able to not work until the kids are all at school"
People often then assumed that meant I was lazy and on benefits?!
No, we chose for one of us to not work whilst our children were young because we could afford to do so.
It's a privilege not many people have. Those years with my kiddies were the absolute best.

By turning ordinary household tasks into technical-sounding job descriptions — the kind of thing that makes people’s CVs get binned? Riotous.

If you read my other comment I literally said I’m not judging. But yes there are some out there who say they only get to see their children to tuck them in at night and are jealous of stay at home mums

Im a working mum, but if I wasn’t I wouldn’t use ‘stay at home’. I’d like to think I would be out every day with the little one(s) doing all sorts of fun stuff! And if they were in school, I would get my jobs at home done fast then also be out doing things and living life - sport/ exercise, friends, volunteering - being an interesting person who gives their kids experiences and contributes to the community.
So I would find a way to describe what you actually do - I’m sure there’s more to it than dusting and watching Vanessa!!

Agree with this. Saying "I'm lucky" is implying your decision is better. Plenty of women feel lucky to have a family and a fulfilling career. I've always said to my children " never feel the need to justify your life choices to other people". I would just say I was not working. End of.

Agreed- don't love the implied judgement that those of us who work are doing it under sufferance, or that being a SAHM is the optimal position. I feel pretty lucky to be heading into work to do a job I love, with colleagues I both like and admire. For me (and that's the important bit- each to their own) I'd much rather be at work than cleaning the bathroom floor, making packed lunches and doing the school run every day.

I say im a housewife. Sometime I say I’m a house manager. I joke with my DH that I’m the reason his pants and sock drawer are magically never empty.

I think this is your issue, you believe working parents are jealous of you (so your choice is “better”.) You are doing what works for your family and you are happy with the choice, that’s great, I’m happy for you. But your choice isn’t better than someone else’s. I would never judge someone for being a sahp, I really don’t care that much about other people’s choices! But if I got the impression they felt that I was jealous of them I would probably feel that they were judging my choice to work. That is where your awkwardness is coming from. No one will judge you if you stop judging them.

Ooh and it is work. It just isn’t paid. But it comes with other perks - the autonomy to listen to podcasts while working, organise my days as I please (especially now my DC are older) etc.

I hate the viewpoint of "I'm lucky", "it's a priveledge" - it's just a choice. We all make choices about our lives all the time.
I was a SAHM for 5 years, I would just say "I'm not working at the moment". In a "small talk" situation I might add that I've got young children "that keep me busy haha" 🙄

Believe me, I was far more envious of my friends who worked - office lunches, Christmas parties, adult conversations! I think the "luckiest" were my friends who worked part time and got the best of both worlds!

I don't know why people assume everyone wants to be a stay at home mum and those that get to are the lucky ones

You’re assuming here though that working mums would feel envious, lots don’t. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be a SAHM and reliant on my DH. I want to be a good role model to my DCs that they can work and be independent, and to my dd especially that women can have both careers and family life. That’s not for everyone and we’re all different. I don’t think you’re lucky for being a SAHM, I think you’re lucky to be able to do what you want to do, and I’m lucky for being able to do what I want.

Looking after your family/home/garden/finances is definitely work. It’s just not paid work.

I don’t work and don’t even have children to provide work at home. If someone asks me what I do for a living, I just say “nothing.”

I have one friend who is so embarrassed to say she’s a SAHM she says she “works part time” on the basis of one week’s exam invigilation about eight years ago… she hasn’t done a stroke of paid work since!