How do you describe being a stay-at-home mum to others?

[Stillhoping1990]

What do you say when people ask when are you going back to work or what do you do for work? Do you just say I’m a stay at home mum? Or is there another way of saying it? I’m always finding I need to then go on to justify my choice etc. A friend of mine calls herself a ‘home maker’.

I just say my career is on hold. I have four under 7 so nobody is surprised tbh!

Hopefully it was just one of those stupid comments all of us are capable of coming out with at times, and then we look back and cringe with embarrassment - and that she didn't mean it literally. Hopefully...!!

Important also not to make the assumption that returning to work means your child is necessarily in a nursery.
Our little girl was with dad for a significant proportion of time and rest with grandmother ❤️

Not according to your post on another thread.

Someone has a bit too much time on their hands. But yes, I am allowed to feel lots of conflicting feelings, which I think I have described in both threads. Feel incredibly grateful, yet can also be lonely and long for adult conversation.

Again the negativity when people express how they feel is the very reason people often don’t

@Mithral It's tricky, because if a family can live on one income nowadays, they are lucky, so many people can't.

I did a Master's p-t when mine were tiny, had a couple of extra years off, and then went back to work. I was really lucky to be able to that. Although I financially supported us when my DH did a two-year Master's, so he was pretty lucky too!

I used to say “I’m not working at the moment”.
I don’t think it’s necessary to go into detail about my family’s finances/ work issues which meant that this was the right choice for us.

Sad that we feel the need to justify, I think that is down SAHM being vilified in comparison to previous generations. I make a bit of a joke of it now and say 'I don't work, because I don't have to.'

The only genuinely positive reaction I've had to telling someone I was a home maker when asked, came from a male Dr who's wife was also a SAHM. He said it was a very important job, which was nice, rather than the usual disapproving looks or comments that mainly come from other women.

@MirandaWhatsUp But not all working women "have" to work. Far from it!

Who said they did.

It's very much implied in 'I don't work, because I don't have to', whether you see it or not.

That is your perception not my implication.

That's one of my perceptions of your implied comment.

And it's an incorrect one. Me stating 'I don't work, because I don't have to' has nothing to do with anyone else. If you feel personally attacked by that, it's a you problem.

Point to where I said I feel personally attacked?

I don't work because I don't have to does imply that people generally would not work if they didn't have to. Otherwise it's not a reason at all it's just describing a condition that allows you to make the choice. The "because" must be something else (I don't like working, I can't get childcare, I'm too unwell, whatever).

Where I think people often differ is what counts as "don't have to". In one sense nobody has to work you can chose not to and nobody can compel you.

I think that's where the conversation gets a bit confused. I could give up work and and have a modest retirement if I sold my house in London and moved to somewhere cheap. Id rather keep working. If I won £10 million pounds I would give up work (there are definitely people who wouldn't). If my husband earned enough to support us I'd still rather keep working, I don't want to be financially beholden to another person in that way.

So "I don't have to" is a bit meaningless on its own - nobody really has to work they just have different standards and conditions they attach to it.

@Mithral Absolutely. What if I said "I work because I don't have to stay at home." Would that be OK?

Why else would you feel the need to highlight my comment and suggest I have ulterior motives when giving a factual answer to someone asking what I do for a living in real life? Unless you felt personally slighted. Then the question to that is why?

A usual conversation goes something like this:

'So what do you do for work?'
Me: 'I don't work.'
Cue inquisitive look and 'Oh? Why is that.'
Me: 'I don't have to.'

So how you and others, have deduced that my personal answer to be quizzed about my work status IRL means I think ALL working women HAVE to work is rather baffling.

I'm not policing how working women choose to describe their lifestyle and to be totally honest I don't know why working women come onto these threads at all, OP specifically asked for advice from SAHP. Would you go onto the Muslim threads as a non Muslim and start giving unwarranted opinions. I doubt it.

It implies exactly what I said. I don't have to. That's a factual statement that requires no further in depth analysis.

Yes it would, why wouldn't it.

I've already explained why I'm on this thread and rest assured I don't feel at all slighted, nor do I think all women have to work - I haven't said anything of the sort. Equally, my perceptions of 'I don't have to' requires no explanation - although I wouldn't ask you why you didn't work as I simply don't care enough to ask sahp for the reasons for their decision (of indeed it is an active decision).

'I wouldn't ask you why you didn't work as I simply don't care enough to ask sahp for the reasons for their decision.' Ok, but we aren't talking about you are we. We, as in SAHP, were talking about how to answer this question when people DO ask.

You did care enough to hijack a thread for SAHPs when you aren't one, though I simply don't care enough to look up your reasons for why that is.

'I don't feel at all slighted, nor do I think all women have to work - I haven't said anything of the sort.' I didn't say you had said that. You said my comment 'I don't work because I don't have to' implied that ALL working women are working because they HAVE to. I told you that you were wrong in your assumption of what I was implying.

You can't presume to tell people what their own intentions are, so there isn't much point in continuing this debate.

Indeed.

Yes, indeed.