How do you describe being a stay-at-home mum to others?

[Stillhoping1990]

What do you say when people ask when are you going back to work or what do you do for work? Do you just say I’m a stay at home mum? Or is there another way of saying it? I’m always finding I need to then go on to justify my choice etc. A friend of mine calls herself a ‘home maker’.

I meant what does this specific post have to do with feminism. It was someone asking what SAHP call themselves, it’s really not that deep and did not call for your catty responses.

I also hope we see a more balanced split and one day have true equality. But this post was just a SAHP asking for advice from other SAHPs. I hope one day you lose the chip on your shoulder.

I honestly couldn't care less if you choose to stay at home with your child or not. It is of no concern to me, and if it works for you and your family, then I'm genuinely very happy for you. There isn't only one right way to raise a child.

So I'm not really interested in commenting on people's individual choices, which are personal choices made on the basis of their personal circumstances. However, when people start making sweeping statements about others being envious of their situations, smug comments about the children of SAHPs being especially lucky, or bitchy comments about crying babies being torn from their mothers' arms, then I don't only feel that I have a right to comment, I feel that I have a duty to do so.

This is not a live issue for me any more as I've done my childraising and I could not be any happier with the choices that I made. They suited me, they suited my daughter and I have zero regrets.

However, my daughter is a young woman now who may one day want children of her own. I do not want her to live in a society where people are still peddling the nonsense that having a SAHP is somehow the gold standard of parenting to which we should all aspire, or the idea that the children of SAHPs are somehow especially lucky. I know from my own experience that that is not necessarily the case, and that actually, having parents who are happy and fulfilled doing whatever they are doing is far more important for the children than the exact model of childcare that is selected.

My lovely mother was a SAHP because she was told that this was the best option for us as children. It made her miserable and she always regretted it. It wasn't great for us either as we felt guilty for the sacrifices that she had made.

I want my dd to be able to make choices without feeling that she has to sacrifice her own aspirations in order to be a good parent. So I will comment on these boards when I feel that people are trying to present one option as being the "better" one for the children. I genuinely don't believe that to the case, and the research doesn't back up that view either.

I know you're just expressing a feeling, but honestly, you don't need to feel that way. You've made your choice, others have made theirs. No-one needs to feel guilty or sorry for anyone else or their children - now that I'm through the nursery and school stage I can tell you that no-one knows whether the young adults that were our children went to nursery from a young age or not, they all turn out just fine. Likewise, the vast majority of women do go back to the workplace - and then no-one can remember who stayed at home or for how long!

@Dollymix1234 And my hope is also that one day is we see a more balanced split and one day have true equality. We have to action this though, ultimately!

Let’s just call it for what it is:

Anyone saying you’re a bad parent for going to work and putting your kid in childcare, is a dick.

Anyone saying that you can’t feel lucky or express your preference for being a SAHP, is also being a bit of a dick.

Good night

I agree with most of that.

However, "feeling lucky" can be played in different ways. If people genuinely just feel lucky about whether they had a choice to SAH, WOH or some combination of the two, then I agree. We are all lucky if we have been able to design our lives in the ways that fit with our personal preferences.

But if "feeling lucky" is used to not-so-subtly denigrate the choices made by other women - as it very often is - then I think it absolutely needs calling out. Regardless of the specific choices in question.

I feel very lucky.

Good, so do I.

Excellent. I wouldn’t question that or try to uncover whether there was any hidden motive to cause offence.

Yes, I doubt anyone will judge-not these days, anyway. A lot of people will be jealous, but that's not your problem.
An old game show had lots of women contestants saying they were housewives (I know that term has connotations now), and it turned out they did work pt, but still described themselves as housewives. Yet now, people who work pt tend to say their job and not mention the other bit, but be proud of it-you're amazing. I would like to have had the option, but I'm happy for others who do.

Well, neither would I unless it was obvious that someone was using the phrase as a put down of others who have made different choices.

It's usually very obvious when people have an agenda.

Well, neither would I unless it was obvious that someone was using the phrase as a put down of others who have made different choices.

It's usually very obvious when people have an agenda.

Haven't RTFT. I think I would literally just say "I'm a stay-at-home mum." Or, if I was definitely planning to go back to work at some point, I might say "I'm a stay-at-home mum right now."

I guess you could say "I work inside the home raising my kids" to make the point that it's still work! Hard work.

I think there are many, many positives about BOTH choices.

I just said i was not working which was true

Taking some time out to raise my daughter/son/family

It’s a bit weird to come on here and resurrect threads that haven’t been posted on in a month.

And that's good - feel lucky, don't feel guilty, don't assume anything about the other person's feelings. It's the best approach 😊

It's mostly your own guilt that is the problem most others dont care, I could have been a SAHM but chose to work and enjoyed the socializing (and the wages).

I think just stating the facts is fine e.g. “I’m a stay at home mum”, “I’m not working at the moment whilst the kids are young” or even just “I’m not in paid work”.

Everyone has reasons for their choices and situations.

The only time I think it’s a bit weird is when people give it a cutesy description like “I’m a full time mummy” or “I’m the CEO of our household”. Or if they say “I’m lucky enough that I don’t have to work” it sounds quite smug and judgemental to me. But I can count on one hand the number of times anyone has said any of those things to me!

The only time I remember feeling weird about someone elses description was a woman at a work event (there with her husband). One of the partners (in his 50s) asked "what do you do" and she put her hand on his arm and said in a really sort of flirty sultry way "I make beautiful boys".

Absolutely bonkers have never forgotten it.

Oh dear 😂 What did the partner say?!

He looked sort of momentarily appalled then managed to pull himself together and say "oh how lovely" then moved away.

I was a trainee at the time so this is long ago that the beautiful boys will now probably have beautiful boys of their own!

Also I left this out of the first post as it makes me look like a terrible bitch but my honest first thought being familiar with how her husband looks was "doubt it". She was gorgeous though to be fair so maybe her genes will pull through!