How do you describe being a stay-at-home mum to others?

[Stillhoping1990]

What do you say when people ask when are you going back to work or what do you do for work? Do you just say I’m a stay at home mum? Or is there another way of saying it? I’m always finding I need to then go on to justify my choice etc. A friend of mine calls herself a ‘home maker’.

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack Perhaps they want us all to know they have rich husbands?

To be honest OP you sound overly defensive of your own choices- all this wild hyperbole about jealousy and crying babies being torn from their mother’s arms. It’s interesting that I presume you wouldn’t judge working fathers in the same way? Only mothers? What sort of father is your husband? Is he present? Does he see the children much?

Yes but I think the point of the initial post is that for some reason we find it awkward, even though we know all of this already, and shouldn’t. Perhaps it’s just the people that I speak to, as it seems that 95% of them say they would love to stay at home/quit their jobs but can’t afford to. Which adds the extra layer of awkwardness when you want to vent but feel guilty doing so.

Also, it might also depend a little bit on the ages of the children. My little one is only 1.5 so people I spend time with have a child a similar age or younger (so still on MAT leave or recently returned). So maybe see being a SAHM as a luxury when they don’t want to leave their baby or struggling with the transition back to work. I can see why those with older kids and more than 1, would not think the same way.

@Dollymix1234 My first husband was wealthy and wanted me to give up my career as it "emasculated" him. No need for me to work. I could stay at home and be a "nice little wifey and mummy."
Nope, no chance.
And thank God I didn't!

I was a SAHP for over 5 years and never once felt awkward telling people so.

No one’s arsed!

@thisfilmisboring123 Fair enough.
Would you have felt the same way as a SAHP to much older and/or adult children?

Who knows?! And who cares?!

Why wouldn’t I?
What business is it of theirs.
If they thought it was because I was lazy or whatever, well not really my problem.

I certainly wouldn’t be tripping over myself to explain how lucky I am.
Insufferable.

Plus, as evidenced by this thread not everyone thinks you are lucky to be in that situation.

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack Well quite. But it's a status boast. In the same way as some women like to have huge and expensive engagement rings I guess.

You know you can feel lucky/grateful about something, even if someone else disagrees and would not feel lucky about that very same thing....

They're probably sensing your own awkwardness and saying it to be polite.

There will of course be some WOHPs who would love to be SAHPs instead. Just as there will be some SAHPs who would love to be WOHPs. But I really don't think that 95% of WOHPs would actually want to quit their jobs if given the choice. It's the kind of thing that people say without really meaning.

Yeah, maybe.

I pity them, really. Anyone who feels the need to big themselves up by trying to put others down is probably doing it out of insecurity really.

I think some people are missing the point of this thread. It says it is literally "a place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent" and more specifically, the original poster is asking what you call yourself and if anyone else feels the same way they do. It's great that some of you who work are offering constructive advice, but for those who work and are just throwing shade for no reason, feels like you're the ones who have a bit of an insecurity problem (or just don't like people who don't work).

For the ''rich husband", "arrogant" and "status boasts" people, why are you even bothering to comment?

@Dollymix1234 Us working mums had no idea we are not 'full-time" parents. Silly us 😀

I'm just quoting the tagline of the thread, no need to be facetious

@Dollymix1234 And I'm pointing out that this tagline is both ridiculous and insulting. Do you see how it is at all?
We are all "full-time" parents, regardless of whether we work or not.

Yes, we are all full time parents...but I think we understood what was meant by this. Going off some of the comments you have made, it seems you might be particularly sensitive to this topic.

In my view, unless you want to offer constructive advice, I don't see why there is any place for a working parent to comment any negativity on this thread in the first place.

@Dollymix1234 We are all entitled to disagree with other people's choices, regardless of what they title themselves as.
I think what some posters have disagreed with is the belief that being a SAHM as '"lucky" and almost with a level of umecessary smugness. As a staunch feminist I disagree with the notion of a SAHP (man or woman) but you, of course, do you.
Just like I disagree with changing your title and name upon marriage (regardless of what the vast majorty of UK women do).
As others have said, your choice is yoyr choice but don't assume "95% of other women" (or whatever ridiculous stat was quoted) are somehow envious of that choice.
Fighting the patriarchy all the way!

I don't quite understand what feminism has to do with this. If a man or woman chooses not to work and stay at home with their child, it's probably because they just want to. Doesn't need to be any more complicated than that. The same obviously goes for those who choose to work.

The point I am making, is that this post is clearly for SAHPs to get advice from other SAHPs. We are sharing our view that we may often feel conflicted. Yes we may feel lucky to have this option, I don't see why there is such a problem with this? There are lots of people out there working several jobs to make ends meet and provide for their children, and I for one, would feel awful if I was complaining about having a rough time if unbeknownst to me, there was a parent doing just that in the same room.

To reassure you, the 'ridiculous stat' was not scientific research.. It was a generalised comment about my own experiences. Yes, most people I speak to at baby classes/playgroups are quite upset and stressed about leaving their child when their MAT leave is coming to an end and say they wish they didn't have to. I don't think that's too abnormal.

Again, it's just strange that you are commenting when this thread doesn't really apply to you. Seems like you just want to share your opinions on why working is great and staying at home is not! Good for you :)

@Dollymix1234
Of course it is to do with feminism.
A simple task to illustrate...list the reasons as to why the vast majority of SAHPs are women.
So yes, other women's choices do impact upon us as a womanhood, absolutely.

@Dollymix1234 And many of us who work outside the home feel just as lucky. The reason I've added to this thread is to advise SAHP who feel conflicted that they shouldn't feel that way - many of us actively choose to put our degrees to good use in the workplace, get a lot of satisfaction from our careers and from being in the workplace, and from being financially independent. I really hope that this reassures anyone who feels guilty for saying that they stay at home that they really don't need to. There may be parents who want to stay at home - but equally, there might be parents who are at home who would love to be in the workplace and earning their own money. We can't live our lives feeling guilty on behalf of others for our own life choices.

But you said you disagree with the notion of a SAHP (man or woman). So what, you just disagree with people not working full stop? Confusing. Yes I understand feminism, thank you for your very wise input.

To summarise, some may find it difficult to know what to call themselves and I think the comments you and others have made actually validates why we feel this way.

@Dollymix1234 When we see a more balanced split of men and women choosing (or "choosing") not to work then ask me again to reconsider my viewpoint.
Kindly, I am not sure you do understand this from a feminist perspective, given that you initially asked "What has this got to do with feminism?"
Actually, a great deal.

And I have no problem with anything you just said. I totally agree. We are simply expressing a strange, totally unnecessary feeling we have. My problem is that people are commenting daft stuff about rich husbands and showing off, which is exactly one of the reasons why we might feel like this in the first place.

For context, I have my own money. I hated my job and my husband loves his. I had a lot of anxiety about the idea of her going to nursery, so the solution was simple.

@Dollymix1234 Tbh, I'm not sure everyone who works loves their job, at least not all of the time, but that's not the only reason they do it of course.
Can you see a time you will go back to work?