Is this fair?

[Friendsof5]

I’m a SAHM

4 kids 2 adult with ASD and metal health.

Im officially a carer and have PTSD due to previous trauma from a child and relationships since.

i would have difficulty working and trying to set up a small bus which is very slowly getting there but I’m not making money yet.

my adult children need a lot of support and my time is taken up caring for them and taking them to appointments organising education which is at home as they are SEN

my younger children are primary age and life is full on.

husband earns good money.

he has a physical job

we are older parents and he is very tired from work.

i struggle with housework as im busy with kids, one has daily appointments for their MH so im committed to taking them there and back and have to hang around whilst they are in the appointment

my husband does the bare minimum when he gets home from work. Does not wash up, tidy, cook but will when asked help with homework and occasionally with showering the youngest before bed. I most nights cook for him, wash his clothes etc

he gives me food money weekly which isn’t enough and I have to ask for this sometimes many times until he gives me it. I top up the shopping with my money.

he pays the bigger household bills and I pay tv and internet water that kind of thing.

he gave me shopping money, and st this time had a big bill for our family car. He went to shop and is asking for the money for the food he bought as he had given me food money. I am posing the bill for the car, I pay for running the car, tax, diesel etc. he has his vehicle for work. So my point is he’s not paying for everything and I’m not working and finding it hard.

i don’t ask often for money for kids trips, dinner money or anything else but now and again he helps.

I do get carers allowance and child benefits but I am reliant on him and find he is tight with money. But happy to splash out on meals out or gifts which is nice but not great when I’m struggling to make money last.

He is difficult to talk to and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for expecting him to contribute more with helping at home, he does a mad tidy now and again makes me feel bad as he does so much so quickly and financially is he being controlling?

I feel financially I’m trapped and he’s not supportive of me working or starting a business he mocks my attempts

so your husband has 5 people financially dependent on him including 3 adults?

Yes but as I say I’m paying my way as best as I can I am paying some utilities

My older children are in full time education and have additional needs

hours he works? how many days a week?

but money aside - it’s sounds a very unhappy marriage to me

Normal hours 5 days a week

sounds like your adult children won’t ever be independent?

Possibly but I’m helping them to hopefully get there one day

Are you claiming DLA for your children .. or if 16 they can claim in their own right.
This would help.
But why don't you have a joint account where you can access what you need instead of asking?

as i say - details aside

this family environment can’t be pleasant for anyone

how close to retirement is he if older parent?

No and I don’t know how to fix it

Why are you not pooling resources? You shouldn't be having to ask him for food money! Do you know how much he makes, or how much he spends?

how long has this unhappy situation been going on for?

I think you have two separate issues here.

1- the housework
Given that you're a SAHM I think you should be doing the vast majority of this and you're unreasonable to expect him to come home and then also do equal household duties.

2- money
If the agreement is that he works and you stay home, he should be paying for stuff. Do you not have access to a joint account?

A difficult situation all around. I can see both sides of the picture. He needs to pay. At the same time, I am not sure you can expect more house help given he is the sole breadwinner and it's a physical job. My Dh is 55, does an office job, and he is already very tired and counting the days till retirement.

Oh yes, you should have a joint account.

4 children is a lot, even if they are all NT.

It doesn't sound great for any of you.
I'm a sahm with ptsd and 2 primary aged children.

my husband does the bare minimum when he gets home from work. Does not wash up, tidy, cook but will when asked help with homework and occasionally with showering the youngest before bed. I most nights cook for him, wash his clothes etc

In the circumstances you describe and the fact that his job is physical, I think that's probably fair enough. However I think all your children should be helping in some fashion.

Are your older kids his?
Could you make a rota? I expect my children to put their plates in the dishwasher after we've eaten, empty it with supervision, help make meals etc, put dirty clothes in washing baskets, clean ones in drawers etc.

As for the financial side, that absolutely wouldnt work for me.

that’s a good point

he’s an older parent and in a full time physical job

Older kids have additional needs they help when mental health is not a factor I’m supporting them with this and could say working and a SAHM as setting up a business and caring

ge won’t have a joint account has savings I dont

Can your older DC really not help more or get themselves to their appoinments? Is their SEN that serious?

Sorry my post crossed your update. Hmm... I think being the only well person- and the only earner- in the house is very, very stressful.

Are they not your husband’s children too?

if not, what was your agreement about covering their needs, particularly when you then added 2 more children to the mix?

yes mental health issues are very serious won’t leave home without me

This isn’t sustainable.

He does what he can as I say he’s not a lot of energy

kids think he’s unavailable