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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

Is this fair?

216 replies

Friendsof5 · 01/02/2024 11:12

I’m a SAHM

4 kids 2 adult with ASD and metal health.

Im officially a carer and have PTSD due to previous trauma from a child and relationships since.

i would have difficulty working and trying to set up a small bus which is very slowly getting there but I’m not making money yet.

my adult children need a lot of support and my time is taken up caring for them and taking them to appointments organising education which is at home as they are SEN

my younger children are primary age and life is full on.

husband earns good money.

he has a physical job

we are older parents and he is very tired from work.

i struggle with housework as im busy with kids, one has daily appointments for their MH so im committed to taking them there and back and have to hang around whilst they are in the appointment

my husband does the bare minimum when he gets home from work. Does not wash up, tidy, cook but will when asked help with homework and occasionally with showering the youngest before bed. I most nights cook for him, wash his clothes etc

he gives me food money weekly which isn’t enough and I have to ask for this sometimes many times until he gives me it. I top up the shopping with my money.

he pays the bigger household bills and I pay tv and internet water that kind of thing.

he gave me shopping money, and st this time had a big bill for our family car. He went to shop and is asking for the money for the food he bought as he had given me food money. I am posing the bill for the car, I pay for running the car, tax, diesel etc. he has his vehicle for work. So my point is he’s not paying for everything and I’m not working and finding it hard.

i don’t ask often for money for kids trips, dinner money or anything else but now and again he helps.

I do get carers allowance and child benefits but I am reliant on him and find he is tight with money. But happy to splash out on meals out or gifts which is nice but not great when I’m struggling to make money last.

He is difficult to talk to and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for expecting him to contribute more with helping at home, he does a mad tidy now and again makes me feel bad as he does so much so quickly and financially is he being controlling?

I feel financially I’m trapped and he’s not supportive of me working or starting a business he mocks my attempts

OP posts:
RedPinkPeach · 01/02/2024 12:55

Get a cleaner OP. They’re not that expensive.

Original poster
Friendsof5 · 01/02/2024 12:55

They keep pip that’s it I won’t take that as it’s not meant for essential it pays for additional needs they have’s

OP posts:
Original poster
Friendsof5 · 01/02/2024 12:56

Good idea 👍

OP posts:
RedPinkPeach · 01/02/2024 12:57

Friendsof5 · 01/02/2024 12:55

They keep pip that’s it I won’t take that as it’s not meant for essential it pays for additional needs they have’s

But they won’t leave the house without you? So practically what are they actually spending it on? A “need” could just as easily be help with the housework because they’re not able to.

SearchingForSolitude · 01/02/2024 12:57

PIP is towards the extra costs of having a disability. Including, for example, increased petrol costs relating or electricity/gas because they are at home all day or a larger house because they need more space.

Original poster
Friendsof5 · 01/02/2024 13:00

That’s their business but they have travel to pay for, taxi when I can’t drive

they have nothing in their lives it pays for hobbies and interests which they can’t always engage in but should be allowed something

PIP does not go far despite what people think

they’ve used it to make their bedroom better that’s where they are a lot and so on

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 01/02/2024 13:01

SearchingForSolitude · 01/02/2024 12:57

PIP is towards the extra costs of having a disability. Including, for example, increased petrol costs relating or electricity/gas because they are at home all day or a larger house because they need more space.

But the op is not taking their pip for that she says. Where on earth it’s going, I don’t know. She’s contradicting herself a lot here, and the rest just isn’t making sense. Without all the information I don’t think any of us here could even begin to judge what’s going on in that household in regards to chores and finance. I’m suspecting that her oh deserves a lot more sympathy than what he’s getting, and I’d love to hear his side of the story

RedPinkPeach · 01/02/2024 13:01

If they’re living in your home and you’re struggling to find money to eat, it’s everyone’s business.

Ihatethenewlook · 01/02/2024 13:03

Ok, so cross posted there. So there’s 4 adults and 2 children in the household, all receiving additional money, but it’s your oh that has to support all of you? The extra money your adult children get is spent on taxis and hobbies, not towards household expenses?

Original poster
Friendsof5 · 01/02/2024 13:03

We are t struggling my husband holds onto the money and has savings earns well

thsts not the kids fault

OP posts:
SearchingForSolitude · 01/02/2024 13:03

Ihatethenewlook · 01/02/2024 13:01

But the op is not taking their pip for that she says. Where on earth it’s going, I don’t know. She’s contradicting herself a lot here, and the rest just isn’t making sense. Without all the information I don’t think any of us here could even begin to judge what’s going on in that household in regards to chores and finance. I’m suspecting that her oh deserves a lot more sympathy than what he’s getting, and I’d love to hear his side of the story

Show quote history

I know OP isn’t taking some of DC’s PIP. My post was in response to OP’s post saying “They keep pip that’s it I won’t take that as it’s not meant for essential it pays for additional needs they have’s”.

HalloumiGeller · 01/02/2024 13:04

He has 5 people financially dependant on him, I'm sorry that's a big responsibility so no wonder he feels this way. You are the SAHP, therefore most of the housework should rightfully fall on you

SearchingForSolitude · 01/02/2024 13:05

Friendsof5 · 01/02/2024 13:00

That’s their business but they have travel to pay for, taxi when I can’t drive

they have nothing in their lives it pays for hobbies and interests which they can’t always engage in but should be allowed something

PIP does not go far despite what people think

they’ve used it to make their bedroom better that’s where they are a lot and so on

What are the hobbies/interests? I ask because these can be included in EOTAS packages and therefore funded.

Have you checked if DC are eligible for hospital transport or reimbursement of travel via the low income scheme?

RedPinkPeach · 01/02/2024 13:05

Ihatethenewlook · 01/02/2024 13:03

Ok, so cross posted there. So there’s 4 adults and 2 children in the household, all receiving additional money, but it’s your oh that has to support all of you? The extra money your adult children get is spent on taxis and hobbies, not towards household expenses?

But the older kids can’t leave the house without OP… unless by taxi?

Original poster
Friendsof5 · 01/02/2024 13:06

The original point was that dispute me doing my bit financially when I’m hard for money like the family car needs repairs I have to pay for it.

so I’m not scrounging I’m paying my bit dispute not working

he is saving money earning well

i have to ask for food money which he pays me but as I say I have to ask more than once

anything else I cannot pay for I have to ask, which was what I was questioning

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 01/02/2024 13:06

So the issue is the housework? He’s not allowed help towards the bills even though you get benefits that are meant to help towards that. And you want him to come home from his physical job (when hes the only one who’s got one at all) and clean up after you all? I don’t think we’re going to get anywhere here op. I’d advise you go to therapy or something. Good luck

User13579367337 · 01/02/2024 13:09

He sounds fed up with it all op. Use some of the other adults benefits to pay for some food and household expenses which is what it’s been given for

Screwballs · 01/02/2024 13:09

Friendsof5 · 01/02/2024 13:06

The original point was that dispute me doing my bit financially when I’m hard for money like the family car needs repairs I have to pay for it.

so I’m not scrounging I’m paying my bit dispute not working

he is saving money earning well

i have to ask for food money which he pays me but as I say I have to ask more than once

anything else I cannot pay for I have to ask, which was what I was questioning

I think you should set out what money you need to shopping etc, and stick to it. If hes supporting 5 people, then having savings seems smart, does it not? What if your boiler breaks? What if he loses his job? It doesnt sound like he has a problem with giving the money, hes just not chucking it around. It sounds more like you resent asking despite the fact that any money that comes to you or the children sits in a different pot entirely?

RedPinkPeach · 01/02/2024 13:10

Well then sit down and make a list of all your combined outings and propose to your OH what you need?

Then ask that he contributes more to the housework?

Have you done this, if so what is the response?

It sounds incredibly challenging having so many dependents but equally I think you’re laying too much at the feet of your DH. You need to separate things out and come to some sort of compromise.

littlemousebigcheese · 01/02/2024 13:12

It seems quite confusing because you're being very short with people and not giving any full answers.

If the older two are receiving PIP the absolute minimum they would get based on needs stated would be £380 a month each, so £760. If you're getting carers allowance that will be a further £304 a month and child benefit will be about £280?
I do understand you wanting them to have that money but it's designed to help with additional costs accrued from being disabled - a roof over their heads, food, a cleaner to help manage the mental load for you etc - those are things it could be covering!

Your husband not wanting a joint account is a different issue.

stayathomer · 01/02/2024 13:16

Can you find a temp short term wfh job to see how it would work? How close is your business to being set up? And I hate hate hate saying this op, but no business works without money being pumped into it so do you have that ability? (Maybe a local enterprise grant or something?) Yes I get your dh must find it stressful how many people are in the house that he has to support financially but god it sounds tough on your end too x

SearchingForSolitude · 01/02/2024 13:18

Are you still receiving PIP yourself?

storminaglassofwater · 01/02/2024 13:19

Your short answers are no help op.

What is your pension like?

BadgersGate · 01/02/2024 13:20

Friendsof5 · 01/02/2024 13:03

We are t struggling my husband holds onto the money and has savings earns well

thsts not the kids fault

Well your thread asks whether your situation is fair, so I will say no it is not fair.
With the work load you describe, running a house for 6 people and caring for two adult children with medical appointments that is more than one full time job. Yes you should manage this and do the bulk but he should be doing some of it.
You should also have equal access to the household money in whatever way best suits you both. Normally this would be a joint account but if out of the question you should have half of the money after bills into your account to spend/save as you wish.
I don’t understand couples where one person is struggling to afford basic food for the family whilst the other has savings and is able to afford treats like meals out.
I suggest you sit him down and explain the situation in words of one syllable. Say you are unhappy and don’t want to continue in this way and ask what he suggests.

storminaglassofwater · 01/02/2024 13:21

Is anyone in your family happy op?