Is this fair?

[Friendsof5]

I’m a SAHM

4 kids 2 adult with ASD and metal health.

Im officially a carer and have PTSD due to previous trauma from a child and relationships since.

i would have difficulty working and trying to set up a small bus which is very slowly getting there but I’m not making money yet.

my adult children need a lot of support and my time is taken up caring for them and taking them to appointments organising education which is at home as they are SEN

my younger children are primary age and life is full on.

husband earns good money.

he has a physical job

we are older parents and he is very tired from work.

i struggle with housework as im busy with kids, one has daily appointments for their MH so im committed to taking them there and back and have to hang around whilst they are in the appointment

my husband does the bare minimum when he gets home from work. Does not wash up, tidy, cook but will when asked help with homework and occasionally with showering the youngest before bed. I most nights cook for him, wash his clothes etc

he gives me food money weekly which isn’t enough and I have to ask for this sometimes many times until he gives me it. I top up the shopping with my money.

he pays the bigger household bills and I pay tv and internet water that kind of thing.

he gave me shopping money, and st this time had a big bill for our family car. He went to shop and is asking for the money for the food he bought as he had given me food money. I am posing the bill for the car, I pay for running the car, tax, diesel etc. he has his vehicle for work. So my point is he’s not paying for everything and I’m not working and finding it hard.

i don’t ask often for money for kids trips, dinner money or anything else but now and again he helps.

I do get carers allowance and child benefits but I am reliant on him and find he is tight with money. But happy to splash out on meals out or gifts which is nice but not great when I’m struggling to make money last.

He is difficult to talk to and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for expecting him to contribute more with helping at home, he does a mad tidy now and again makes me feel bad as he does so much so quickly and financially is he being controlling?

I feel financially I’m trapped and he’s not supportive of me working or starting a business he mocks my attempts

Was it a joint decision to have 4? I am not sure you can expect him to have much energy in this situation.

I don’t have much energy either

im doing all I can barely sleeping

Yes, I am sure you must be. I think you are entitled to have a joint account and he needs to pay food bills and everything else. But I also think that you should agree a time limit for your business and if it doesn't make money, you should try to get a WFH job.

and who will take care of the children while I work

Working from home is my only option now

well, like many of us op.

children at primary / after school care etc

and the adults going to 4 hour drive away therapy every day…. really?

Not supporting at all

You’re ignoring questions OP.

Are the older children your husband’s children? If not, where is their father and what is he contributing to support them?

What support are you seeking/accessing for your older children? Are they over 18? Their educators should be supporting them too.

How old are the younger children?

What do you mean by “older parents”? Did you not think this through when deciding to have more children?

I'm actually stunned by the replies on this thread?!!!!!

If you agree that one of you will go out to work and the other will stay home looking after the 4 children, two with additional needs even in adulthood, then you need to stick to that as much as possible surely?? OP's husband can't just refuse to hand over any money and leave her with nothing??

OP - does your husband have money and is just not handing it over, or is it that he genuinely doesn't have it? (eg when he's asking you for the food money back when he's been to the shop)

In the circumstances you describe, I can't see why you're paying for the car? or the water bill?

I understand he doesn't have a lot of time/energy for the housework but I'm sure you don't either if your children's needs are so great. You should definitely not be having to effectively beg your husband for money for food?!

But you have started your own business? Who takes care of the DC while you do that? This is confusing.

This is what I was trying to say thank you

i am supporting one child in particular who is seriously mentally unwell and if anyone has ever had to do this you will know how incredibly hard it is and how drained you feel.

staying up to keep them safe and then to go get a full time job?

husband has savings earns well he has money.

I dont understand why people are ignoring the fact that OP is in receipt of carers allowance, clearly her child/children have fairly significant needs so she can't just go and get a job.
OP SAHP probably isn't the right place for this post.

Lots of different issues in your post so I will just say that your DH should be paying for everything and you shouldn't be asking for money for food. I have been an SAHP and we have always had a joint account. No, his money my money.

They’re his children too

contributes when he is asked but reluctantly

we did think it through having children harsh

you never know what life throws at you or that your children will need more help than you ever knew

yes they are getting some support but it’s needing constant fight and guidance from me.

the system is very difficult

I work while they are in lessons at home as they are educated at home as too ill

If you both chose to have 4 children, and if you both agreed that your dh works while you look after the children/house, then you need to have a joint bank account!

Yes I know what earns not what he spends

He won’t

In other words, why did you choose to have 4 children with a husband who's unwilling to look after them/you all?

Op can I suggest you and you're dh get 2 joint bank accounts, both have all your money paid into one, work out how much all the bills come to and keep it in the account.
With the second account transfer any money that's left over after bills and use that for everyday living expenses including groceries, that way nobody has control over the money but you can both access what you need when you need it.

As for the housework, it's relentless when people are home all day, just give it a quick half hour blitz before dh comes home and keep to a routine ( I know boring) but cleaning one room a day should keep you on top of things. Also get the other adults to muck in with what they can manage.

Your husband should 100% be paying for more than he is and you should not have to be scrabbling around for money for food and other bills.

You should not be having to use your carers allowance to pay big bills for the family car when he's working!!

I'm angry for you OP, you're being treated very unfairly. How long has it been like this?

this doesn’t help me?

What is this business you are setting up, @Friendsof5 ?

Please don't say it is something like Younique or Forever Living.

No and I don’t want I say as it’s possibly identifiable to him

Your husband needs to pay all his income into a joint account to support his family. He chose to have 4 children - that is very expensive in terms of time and money, especially with additional needs!

Offer to divorce him if it’s all too much - you’ll get at least half of everything he’s stashed away.