Is this fair?

[Friendsof5]

I’m a SAHM

4 kids 2 adult with ASD and metal health.

Im officially a carer and have PTSD due to previous trauma from a child and relationships since.

i would have difficulty working and trying to set up a small bus which is very slowly getting there but I’m not making money yet.

my adult children need a lot of support and my time is taken up caring for them and taking them to appointments organising education which is at home as they are SEN

my younger children are primary age and life is full on.

husband earns good money.

he has a physical job

we are older parents and he is very tired from work.

i struggle with housework as im busy with kids, one has daily appointments for their MH so im committed to taking them there and back and have to hang around whilst they are in the appointment

my husband does the bare minimum when he gets home from work. Does not wash up, tidy, cook but will when asked help with homework and occasionally with showering the youngest before bed. I most nights cook for him, wash his clothes etc

he gives me food money weekly which isn’t enough and I have to ask for this sometimes many times until he gives me it. I top up the shopping with my money.

he pays the bigger household bills and I pay tv and internet water that kind of thing.

he gave me shopping money, and st this time had a big bill for our family car. He went to shop and is asking for the money for the food he bought as he had given me food money. I am posing the bill for the car, I pay for running the car, tax, diesel etc. he has his vehicle for work. So my point is he’s not paying for everything and I’m not working and finding it hard.

i don’t ask often for money for kids trips, dinner money or anything else but now and again he helps.

I do get carers allowance and child benefits but I am reliant on him and find he is tight with money. But happy to splash out on meals out or gifts which is nice but not great when I’m struggling to make money last.

He is difficult to talk to and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for expecting him to contribute more with helping at home, he does a mad tidy now and again makes me feel bad as he does so much so quickly and financially is he being controlling?

I feel financially I’m trapped and he’s not supportive of me working or starting a business he mocks my attempts

Sorry if I’ve been confusing but I’m upset looking for help now know how to reply properly

SEN issues I can cope with

it is just my relationship that is affecting me and my mental wellbeing I’m trying to work out if it’s me or him

It’s him

op I get it I have a SEN child myself those who are leaving unhelpful comments do not understand what parenting a child with additional and mental health needs is like.

hes an abuser there’s probably more to this story but you don’t have to share it

Do you actually know how much he earns though OP or has in savings because in a previous thread you have said you do not know what he earns he is self employed and that you do not know his savings. If that is the case, you have no idea if he’s keeping money back or if he is genuinely struggling for money supporting a 6 person household on 1 income, he would have to be really earning a lot to be doing all of that and saving.

As I’ve said you need to all sit down together and look at household finances. His money + your money + contribution - household bills = whatever is left.

From whatever is left, that’s your food shops, or car payment, school trips, unexpected bills/savings.

Obviously leaving him would help with your peace of mind and your children’s because they pick up on it no matter how old they are but I understand you don’t have the confidence or want to disrupt their routines but honestly you would all be better off without that

The adult children should be claiming Universal Credit and contributing to household costs out of that. This should help cover their food costs and a share of utility bills etc. It's understandable not to take their PIP away but Universal Credit would be specifically for daily living costs. I do think husband should also be pooling his wages.

This really. Sure you may not know if children may have additional needs, but regardless 4 being hard would shouldn't be a shock?

two adult children with autism, one with very serious mental health condition and the other with a very serious physical health condition

a mother with PTSD with her own physical health issues.

parents unhappily married

two primary aged children. OP - what kind of an environment is this? You adult children need to start using their money to pay for taxis rather than their mother. 4 hours of driving a day to drive them to therapy whilst you sit in the car? come off it op

i don’t think it’s is one or the other

it is a profoundly stressful family due to health issues and an unhappy marriage

We have 4 children one also has disabled needs so I'm a sahm. 3 are under 3 and a teen. Hubby works then comes home and dives in with whatever. Most days I try to do mostly everything at home unless I've had a rough day with our disabled child. I'm not sure as we get pip for child and it goes in the joint account with all other monies and pays not just for hobbies and treats but also towards car which I use for appointments,holidays, pocket money,shopping etc etc. Nobody goes without but all money is pooled and we have no problems

Do you know what it's like to parent a child with autism and very serious mental healrh issues @shewasrooting?
I hate this 'oh come off it' response.
OP's life is nothing like those dealing with healthy NT adult children. It is exponentially more difficult and this 'snap out of it, buck up' attitude doesn't help.

reread my post

i am saying come off it by fact that op chooses to do 4 hours driving a day to her adult children’s therapy rather than them use their money for taxi

it is the younger two children i feel very sorry for

She said they need her to accompany them?

if they are travelling for 4 hours a day

and having say an hour or 90 mins therapy

how are they also in “full time education”?

Presumably you think they don't really need her there? I've a feeling the OP may be a better judge of that than you are.

i think it’s reached the point that these adult children need to take a back seat to their younger siblings.

i do remain curious how they can be in full time education and yet travelling 4 hours a day, with a therapy session sandwiched in between.

Is it really every day OP? so LA paying for daily therapy and full time education for two adults?

What are your elder kid’s spending their money on? Do you honestly not take some of this? You said hobbies and doing their room up. Surely there’s only so much doing up of a room they can do. They get paid weekly, can’t leave the house without you but can get taxis when you can’t bring them? It’s all a bit confusing.

Op I have a friend who is a full time carer to a autistic 19 year old with some complex mental health needs, my friend has bipolar, adhd and cptsd herself and I see just how much she struggles herself. It took literal years of fighting and being passed around to get her daughter help and then a big fight for her benefits too.

Do either of your children get the enhanced mobility element? The biggest difference to my friends adult dd was the mobility car. Insurance, tax, breakdown cover and maintenance are all covered. A lot of my friends money was swallowed up in paying for taxis for everywhere she had to take dd because busses were and still are something she can't do yet and they agreed together that it was financially better for the household to use the mobility element for the car.

Her dd also gives money towards food because she has a lot of issues with various foods and brands and textures which make food shopping much higher. She still has just over £300 a month to herself, she's sensitive to the cold and has been putting extra top ups on mums meter too. She wants to learn to how to budget and part of her home education is about managing money and budgeting and ways to be independent.

You say you won't take any PIP from then as it's for the increased costs of disability, well some of those costs include maintaining and fuel for the car you spend fours a day driving them about for healthcare. Do they have different dietary needs too? Do they eat the same food as the rest of the family or does it cost more due to ARFID or dietary needs? That's an increased cost they could be paying for themselves.

Regardless of wether your husband is a wealthy arsehole, it sounds like some of their disabilities do increase regular bills like the fuel, that must be a big amount to meet medical needs and it's exactly what pip is for and they could contribute towards it with their disability money.

what are the hobbies they’re spending money on?

how are they also in “full time education”?

The MH provision may well be considered educational provision. The scope of what is considered educational provision is far wider than many realise. Even if it isn’t, EOTAS provision does not have to follow the normal school times/term dates.

op says online tutor and in person 🤷‍♀️

and these are adults? at what point will the LA stop funding 1-2-1 funding for adults?

Yes, but being on line and in person does not mean my post cannot also be true. EOTAS packages are completely bespoke and can include several elements. The MH provision may be part of the full time education just as online or in person tuition may also be.

These are disabled young people who the law protects. EHCPs can continue until 25, or 26 in some cases. Take your disdain for disabled young people receiving the provision they reasonably required and which the law states they must receive elsewhere.

But the op is allowing it to happen. Why stay with him and have FOUR children together??

Is this serious ? Do you think this of all women being abused, financially or otherwise?

Agree with pp that some of the elder children’s PIP and any UC claimed should be going into the family pot or at the very least taxi money should be coming out of this, it’s what it’s for.
They are adults and budgeting/not expecting to keep every penny you have is a good life skill. Perhaps they can keep £100/£150 a month OP for themselves? Although I’m not sure what they are spending money on hobbies wise if they can’t leave the house without you? it’s all a bit confusing. Your husband sounds unsupportive and mean but I can understand his frustration at supporting a large family with one income, why should he pay for everything and have nothing left at the end of the month? It would be good for you to develop your older DC’s independence so you can look at earning some of your own money to build yourself savings/pension which I assume you have none.

I wish people read my post properly I pay some utilities and bills he does not pay for everything

it is when I need his contribution towards the food that I have a problem with him avoiding giving it to me. Or if we have a emergency

yes I’m a SAHM but I pay my way

As for my adult children and independence again you do not understand that they are ill and acrophobia is not something you can just get better from.

some comments have been useful and supportive and understanding and i thank you for those.