Is this fair?

[Friendsof5]

I’m a SAHM

4 kids 2 adult with ASD and metal health.

Im officially a carer and have PTSD due to previous trauma from a child and relationships since.

i would have difficulty working and trying to set up a small bus which is very slowly getting there but I’m not making money yet.

my adult children need a lot of support and my time is taken up caring for them and taking them to appointments organising education which is at home as they are SEN

my younger children are primary age and life is full on.

husband earns good money.

he has a physical job

we are older parents and he is very tired from work.

i struggle with housework as im busy with kids, one has daily appointments for their MH so im committed to taking them there and back and have to hang around whilst they are in the appointment

my husband does the bare minimum when he gets home from work. Does not wash up, tidy, cook but will when asked help with homework and occasionally with showering the youngest before bed. I most nights cook for him, wash his clothes etc

he gives me food money weekly which isn’t enough and I have to ask for this sometimes many times until he gives me it. I top up the shopping with my money.

he pays the bigger household bills and I pay tv and internet water that kind of thing.

he gave me shopping money, and st this time had a big bill for our family car. He went to shop and is asking for the money for the food he bought as he had given me food money. I am posing the bill for the car, I pay for running the car, tax, diesel etc. he has his vehicle for work. So my point is he’s not paying for everything and I’m not working and finding it hard.

i don’t ask often for money for kids trips, dinner money or anything else but now and again he helps.

I do get carers allowance and child benefits but I am reliant on him and find he is tight with money. But happy to splash out on meals out or gifts which is nice but not great when I’m struggling to make money last.

He is difficult to talk to and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for expecting him to contribute more with helping at home, he does a mad tidy now and again makes me feel bad as he does so much so quickly and financially is he being controlling?

I feel financially I’m trapped and he’s not supportive of me working or starting a business he mocks my attempts

🤗

@Friendsof5

I'm not sure how you're coping living like that.

There's so much in your situation I wouldn't be having I'm not sure where to start.

would I be correct in assuming the older 2 aren't his?

Either way he has 2 primary age kids & his parenting contribution is to occasionally shower the youngest?

He works, that doesn't absolve him of all domestic duties. I'm tired after doing a physical job, but dinner, housework, laundry doesn't do itself.

yes you're a SAHM MUM - looking after 4 kids!! It's not like you're sat around eating cake all day!!

He's not pulling his weight, working 5 days a week & doing fuck all else.

FINANCIALLY. You're married, have 2/4 kids between you. Why the living fuck does HE have savings and you're 'making ends meet' & having to ask for food money?
why do you have separate money??

I wouldn't be having that at all.

All his kids too

Kids get it not me

Who are you replying to?!

Yes... who he is providing for... what exactly are you unhappy with here, because he sounds pretty damn supportive to me.

Ok, lets put it another way, its super unfair, hes an arsehole... then what? You leave him, what position are you in then? What are you hoping to achieve from all this?

You get PIP too though, yes? If not, when did your claim end and did you request mandatory reconsideration?

What does he say when you ask about a joint account, OP? Ie what are his reasons not to? I would insist on this. What does he say when you ask what his savings are for? It's really wrong he's holding back savings and you're having to beg for food money from him. You have more power here than you think. I would threaten divorce.

OP, you need to click the 3 dots on the top right of a post and click “quote” if you want to people to understand what you’re answering.

All of the household money, including everything that is coming in for the SEN adult children, any carer's allowance, your dh's full salary, etc. should be put together in a common pot and used for the care and upkeep of everyone. Just as your dh shouldn't keep his money to himself, neither should anyone else, including the adult children. You are one family living together in one house and ALL of the money coming in should be thoughtfully allocated to take care of everyone's needs.

Agreed, this seems very much to be a one way street, in her OP shes even complaining about fixing her own car.

Agree with this though I don't really know anything about SEN or carers allowance.
But that's what we do and have always done, even when I was an SAHM.

Why did you choose to have so many children with him?

Was he like this when you had one or two children?

LTB

Mumsnet hates a sahm 🙄 why is everyone sticking up for the husband he sounds like an abuser

He is treating you like a child and a slave

Most posters are not sticking up for her husband, but are telling her to stop having children with him - he sounds unsupportive!

I don't see most people sticking up for him. OP's posts are very confusing, though.

Give over, he is single handedly financially supporting the house and shes pissed off he doesnt grab the hoover each day?

I feel like I'm reading a different thread from a lot of people. The OP might be a SAHP but she's got a huge amount on her plate.

By the time she's done the morning school run and done the daily appointment with her elder child, there's probably very little time before going back on the school run, at which point she's got 4 children's she young adults that are very dependent on her to look after.

Her husband mocks her attempts to set up a small business, is reluctant to muck in with anything to do with the kids by the sound of it and is controlling with money. The OP is struggling to feed the family whilst he has savings which she can't touch.

It's often been said on here that when each parent is home they should muck in equally, and sissy have equal spare time. If you can fit all housework/cooking etc into the time when he's working, then he shouldn't need to do any. But if (because of your disability and your caring responsibilities and schedule) you can't, then anything left when he gets home should be shared equally. You should also get access to shared money and not forced to resort to begging to feed the family.

He sounds awful tbh.

I have a friend with 2 teen boys with additional needs and as they are getting older, it is becoming increasingly difficult to manage.
She cant work full time as due to the children's needs they have lots of appointments that even split betwen herself and her DH, and when they are unable to finish the day out in school, or even get through the door, it would be impossible to retain full time employment. Im not sure people outside of these situations understand this.
She also gets minimal funding, and the money she gets is for them and help with their disability. She keeps a record of the spending - clubs, transport and additional things he needs in addition to essentials that should be provided by parents.

It sounds like a really tough situation. I dont know how people in supposedly loving and caring relationships, to see the other go without. My DH would never see me struggle or our DS go without while he sits on money or to see me go without anything of which he has an ambudance of and the same the other way around. It obvious to see why so many marriages fail when their is no compassion or respect for each other.

You should be pooling money and time. Yes the house will fall to you more but you shouldn't have to and ask for money.
Unless of course he wants to try and swap roles ?

What's your point. The OP is obviously completely employed with her role as a SAHP for a family with complex needs.
The 2 adults have complex needs.

The adult dc exist. Their needs exist. What do you suggest? Killing them off?

Ok, lets put it another way, its super unfair, hes an arsehole... then what? You leave him, what position are you in then? What are you hoping to achieve from all this?

Yes thats the right answer he is an arsehole.
I think she is asking, is it fair her husband has savings etc and she is skint. She is skint because she cant work out of the home due to the needs of their children.

But to say, leave him, then what position are you in
Sounds like because she will be even worse off alone, she should just put up with it. Thats a very dangerous stance to have against women

I hope this isn't out of order to put this here, but this is what the OP wrote on Mumsnet on June.

Hi I’m a SAHM and a carer to our two oldest child.

we have 4 kids living with us two autistic older ones both studying of which one is having daily therapy for mental health. So seriously unwell and needs me to take them to appointments. Not just therapy.

Each day I drive for nearly 2 hours non stop to drop then for therapy return to collect 2 younger children from school and back again to collect eldest from therapy. Some days I’m in and out with appointments as the other eldest child is much the same needing help but is more independent.

im tired to say the least. Sometimes in bed by 11.30 and up at 6.30 to start again.

my husband works a physical job and is tired when he gets home. He is a bit better helping with homework or sometimes a bath for kids but generally he sits down after work while I cook, get washing done, dishwasher etc etc etc.

he will be cross if I or the other children ask him to help and excuses himself on grounds he is tired. I have asked him what he would do if he lived in his own. He would have to cooks his own meals, tidy up and wash his clothes. He ignores this or gets cross.

I am a SAHM, yes. But I’m a carer too.

I get carers allowance, PIP for me as I’m chronically ill. I received child benefit. This goes on running my car, clothes, childcare, school meals, water rates, skybtv, mobile phones, and a few other bills.

my husband gives me money each week for food. That’s it.

he moans he is spending more than he is earning but buys designer clothes and tattoos alcohol, weed and tabaco.

im getting into debt I cannot make ends meets and if I ask for money he delays giving it to me, food money. Or avoids paying for other things. Sometimes he’s very good though but I hate to ask as it’s awkward when I do.

I do not know what he earns he is self employed. I do not know his savings. His money is his.

I helped us save by claiming tax credits but we no longer qualified as his wages are too good.. During this time he didn’t pay many bills I covered them so he could save towards buying a home. These savings are being spent by him. He still wants to buy but I have no involvement.

I just don’t know what to think, this is after 25 years together.

This fleshes or just how awful this are for the OP. The daily therapy is a 4 hour round trip, let alone anything else. The OP is exhausted, busy with housework into the evening whilst her husband sits on his butt.

She is getting into debt to pay for family basics whilst he buys designer clothes and weed.