Is this fair?

[Friendsof5]

I’m a SAHM

4 kids 2 adult with ASD and metal health.

Im officially a carer and have PTSD due to previous trauma from a child and relationships since.

i would have difficulty working and trying to set up a small bus which is very slowly getting there but I’m not making money yet.

my adult children need a lot of support and my time is taken up caring for them and taking them to appointments organising education which is at home as they are SEN

my younger children are primary age and life is full on.

husband earns good money.

he has a physical job

we are older parents and he is very tired from work.

i struggle with housework as im busy with kids, one has daily appointments for their MH so im committed to taking them there and back and have to hang around whilst they are in the appointment

my husband does the bare minimum when he gets home from work. Does not wash up, tidy, cook but will when asked help with homework and occasionally with showering the youngest before bed. I most nights cook for him, wash his clothes etc

he gives me food money weekly which isn’t enough and I have to ask for this sometimes many times until he gives me it. I top up the shopping with my money.

he pays the bigger household bills and I pay tv and internet water that kind of thing.

he gave me shopping money, and st this time had a big bill for our family car. He went to shop and is asking for the money for the food he bought as he had given me food money. I am posing the bill for the car, I pay for running the car, tax, diesel etc. he has his vehicle for work. So my point is he’s not paying for everything and I’m not working and finding it hard.

i don’t ask often for money for kids trips, dinner money or anything else but now and again he helps.

I do get carers allowance and child benefits but I am reliant on him and find he is tight with money. But happy to splash out on meals out or gifts which is nice but not great when I’m struggling to make money last.

He is difficult to talk to and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for expecting him to contribute more with helping at home, he does a mad tidy now and again makes me feel bad as he does so much so quickly and financially is he being controlling?

I feel financially I’m trapped and he’s not supportive of me working or starting a business he mocks my attempts

I think a lot of people on this thread don't realise what it's like to live with children with serious mental health difficulties.
A pp said the environment is bad for the younger ones for example.What's the good in saying that?
Yes, it no doubt is, but what exactly is OP supposed to do? She has to care for the older children too.

@Friendsof5 its easier to follow your answer if you make it clear who are replying to.

You use the @ followed by the poster name.
Or you can click on the 3 dots … on the right hand corner of a poster. Then select Quote. The post will appear above yours.

Its very difficult without OP providing more details.

They are FT educated. At home.
They don’t leave the house without OP, but get taxis when OP isn’t available and they have hobbies.
its all a bit contradictory.

People commenting with experience of SEN are being ignored.

To those suggesting OP needs to do all the housework as she's a sahp - she's also a carer. That is a lot more involved for those who mightn't realise.

@Lentilweaver it was obvious from the posts above yours that the OP had no choice.
Its not because she hadn’t explained all the ins and outs yet and proven (to you and other posters) she had no choice that it wasn’t clear from her posts.

Whatever @BlueSkyBlueLife. Even posters with experience of SEN have commented that the OP's posts are very confusing. So confusing that someone had to resort to Advance Search.

How old are the ones with special needs? Are you getting all the help for them that you are entitled to op?

100% this.

Money is either “family money” and is shared, or it’s not. I don’t think it’s particularly fair to expect him to hand out his wage when you have two adult children receiving monies & possibly your own money if claiming carers allowance etc which does not get shared. I understand you saying they use their PIP to upgrade their bedrooms but respectfully, it’s no use having a nice bedroom when you can’t put food on the table.

I think it’s “sit down chat” time, if you want to pool finances then for me that needs to mean ALL finances. All money into the household - all money out of the household in one pot. I’m not surprised your partner isn’t willing to hand over extra towards food shops when supporting such a large family on 1 salary.

With regards to you setting up a business, honestly for now, leave it and look for paid work. Setting up a business takes time and money to get right and you don’t have the money to sink into it at the moment it seems.

@Mrsttcno1 do you have ANY IDEA of how much cater allowance is?

And you have no idea what money the older children are getting either.

Why has MN developed this obsession in protecting anyone wage first and foremost with no regard to the effect on the other partner. Never mind that it would encourage financial abuse too.

I will look into the mileage as for taxis this is for separate medical issue involving a long distance appointment which is regular but not in EHCP

The whole point of me setting up a business was so I could be at home, I have to be there to care for the children with addition needs

we are not hard up

the things I was asking was as we agreed he would pay for food should I have to repeatedly ask for it?

I pay some utilities myself and contribute towards doors but when school trips, unexpected card bills or other things happen for example a de talk emergency shouldn’t he help me. Instead he has at times told me to ask other people

Please understand I am paying some utilities

I do not expect him to hand over his wages

he has agreed his contribution would be food money and I top this up but getting him to actually physically give me this is difficult as is any emergency or other bill that I sometimes cannot cover. Otherwise I’m independent any happy to be. But it’s times when I need extra help that it poses a problem.

He is well off good wage and has savings

we both pay utilities and always have although I’m a SAHM. I am not living off him

Yes thank you, I know exactly how much it is.

I believe OP has said the older children are in receipt of PIP, so I have some idea.

If you actually read my post, what I am saying (and other posters have also suggested) is that it should not be “I get to keep my money, you get to keep your money, but he has to share his money between all of us”. Because you’re making digs about “protecting the wage”, but isn’t that exactly whats happening here all round? OP gets to keep her money, the PIP is kept for the kids, but “his” money is expected to be shared amongst an entire family.

The only “fair” way to operate is for it to very simply be all money in, and then all money out- jointly.

The only way you will get mileage for provision not in the EHCP is if DC are eligible via the low income healthcare travel costs scheme.

However, it sounds like the MH provision needs to be in F even if it is provided by the NHS so DC would then be eligible for transport. This is why you need an early review of the EHCP.

@Mrsttcno1 i disagree there.

This man seems to be at the very ,east close to being financially abusive.
If the OP was putting all that money ‘in the common pot’ (that the dh doesn’t want…) I’m pretty sure she’d still have nothing more than the pocket money he is currently giving her.
Its the dcs and her that would suffer from it too.

He is well off good wage and has savings

Then he should support his family. You're a team - he does paid work and you support the family and home. All of his money goes into a pot for you both to use. That's what most married couples do - it's called division of labour.

But presumably when the business is up and running you won’t be able to stay at home? Or is it a business that can operate from home?

Also OP there are lots of jobs you can do from home that would have you being paid a wage by the end of next week even.

Have you agreed that he pays a certain amount for food shops on a certain date? If so, I’d be asking him to just set it up as a standing order with his bank so that for example every Monday it is automatically sent to you.

You need to have a proper talk about how your finances operate as a household OP. You’re married and you have 4 children together (if I’ve read and understood correctly, are all of the children both of your children?). For me, at that point, there is no “his” money and “your” money or “their” money. That’s a large household to be funded and so the only fair way for that to be done is for all of your money, all of his money and a contribution from the adult children to be going into one joint pot from which all of the bills are paid.

In the house not also his OP? How did you come to your current arrangement?

You can’t have it both ways.

Either all money is joint money, it all goes into one pot and it all comes out of one pot, and whatever is left is joint/divided by however many, OR everyone gets their own money and pays for set things or proportionately.

You cannot say I’m going to keep my wages and X is going to keep their wages but you have to share yours out between the 2 of us.

If everything goes into a joint pot then there’s no question, food shops come out of that, so do other unexpected bills. It’s family money. They might all realise that actually they are a bit worse off because suddenly everyone is paying a % of the running of the household, but at least doing it that way everybody gets a fair % of that amount.

For me, at that point, there is no “his” money and “your” money

This. I don't understand why you'd get married and have 4 children with a partner who doesn't regard you as a team and wants to keep 'his' money separate?!

I was the passion that advanced searched.

I didn't do it because i was confused. I wasn't. The OP made perfect sense to me.

It's something I do sometimes where a relationship seems abusive to see if there is any other important context.

As it happens, 7 months ago there OP have a very clear account of her life, which shows just how financially abusive he is, and how generally awful he's been.

It had nothing to do with confusion.

Ok.I have already agreed he is financially abusive. I am still confused by a lot of the other stuff, but he is an abuser.

It’s not even pocket money we have agreed to pay utilities I pay some he pays some, food is his contribution but reluctance and making me feel bad he has no money when he earns well and has savings.

i also have to ask for unexpected things or help to borrow money for my car or our family car and repay him.

ask for money for kids trips if I’ve not got money to pay for this.

Exactly