Is this fair?

[Friendsof5]

I’m a SAHM

4 kids 2 adult with ASD and metal health.

Im officially a carer and have PTSD due to previous trauma from a child and relationships since.

i would have difficulty working and trying to set up a small bus which is very slowly getting there but I’m not making money yet.

my adult children need a lot of support and my time is taken up caring for them and taking them to appointments organising education which is at home as they are SEN

my younger children are primary age and life is full on.

husband earns good money.

he has a physical job

we are older parents and he is very tired from work.

i struggle with housework as im busy with kids, one has daily appointments for their MH so im committed to taking them there and back and have to hang around whilst they are in the appointment

my husband does the bare minimum when he gets home from work. Does not wash up, tidy, cook but will when asked help with homework and occasionally with showering the youngest before bed. I most nights cook for him, wash his clothes etc

he gives me food money weekly which isn’t enough and I have to ask for this sometimes many times until he gives me it. I top up the shopping with my money.

he pays the bigger household bills and I pay tv and internet water that kind of thing.

he gave me shopping money, and st this time had a big bill for our family car. He went to shop and is asking for the money for the food he bought as he had given me food money. I am posing the bill for the car, I pay for running the car, tax, diesel etc. he has his vehicle for work. So my point is he’s not paying for everything and I’m not working and finding it hard.

i don’t ask often for money for kids trips, dinner money or anything else but now and again he helps.

I do get carers allowance and child benefits but I am reliant on him and find he is tight with money. But happy to splash out on meals out or gifts which is nice but not great when I’m struggling to make money last.

He is difficult to talk to and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for expecting him to contribute more with helping at home, he does a mad tidy now and again makes me feel bad as he does so much so quickly and financially is he being controlling?

I feel financially I’m trapped and he’s not supportive of me working or starting a business he mocks my attempts

DH should be paying for everything and you shouldn't be asking for money for food. I have been an SAHP and we have always had a joint account. No, his money my money.

This. If a couple choose to have 4 children then that requires great teamwork!!

I wasn’t sure but it was what I was thinking

its always been separate accounts but he won’t change

Get onto turn2us, see if you can manage without him.

You talk a lot about finances, but you need to break down all of the issues. You are trying to cope with a tremendous amount in terms of support for the kids/adults and finances. That's a lot to be responsible for and it's no wonder you're struggling. You're only one person.

Have the adult children had involvement from social care? I would really recommend this because what happens if you burn out or are unable to continue your caring role for whatever reason? Social services have a duty to carers of vulnerable adults and can point you in the right direction.

Also social care will be able to look at plans for your adult children's lives. I think the general public have no concept of the range of services that are available to them and just trudge on trying to cope. This is going to implode at some point, if it hasn't already.

It all sounds very hard and quite complicated. No advice but sympathies 💐

Thank you, yes I guess finances have stood out more recently but I not supported enough.

i will look into what you have suggested as my health is not great if I couldn’t do what I am for the kids I’m not sure what would happen as their dad just doesn’t understand their needs.

Unfortunately There’s much more to this that I’m up against in general life has sent me a few hurdles to put it politely, but wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable towards my husband which is why I reached out

probably too complicated for reaching out on here but wasn’t sure where to turn for advice

You said they’re in education.

Are they at home or are they in education?

Educated at home as too ill to go anywhere else

She will be getting carers allowance and it sounds like 4x children will be getting PIP. So probably quite a significant sum.

Then discount on council tax etc.

Not true

what kind of environment is this for your younger two OP?

Younger children don’t get anything no additional needs

Adults get their own money but it’s to help with their illness

Why not OP?

If their needs as as severe as you say you should be getting PIP.

So they’re adults, in full time “home” education?

Can you be more specific, it all sounds quite bizarre.

you say they are in full time education

but transpires actually you educate at home?

we are not giving the op what she wants

so the story is changing

Yes their money not mine and it pays for extra they need

educated at home as too unwell

what does full time education at home look like in practise?

Meets their needs as provided by local authorities

Tuition is provided that meets their needs and takes into account their difficulties

how old are these “adult” children?

man’s does this mean a tutor comes to your house 5 days a week for the day?

I knew the second I started reading that it was going to be based on housework.

You dont work OP, you have 2 adult children and 2 in school, your OH pays for all of you. Of course the majority of house care falls to you, do you think OH should get home and start hoovering after a day of physical labour to support you all? If you arent feeling physically able then maybe a cleaner needs factoring in. The older children are getting money so if they are living at home then they should be paying their way towards this.

As well as PIP, if eligible, are your adult DC in receipt of UC?

DC should be giving some of their benefits to you/DH towards the cost of their expenses.

Do DC have EHCPs? Are they receiving EOTAS or are you EHE? X-post, if they are in receipt of EOTAS you can’t be compelled to deliver, organise or facilitate the provision.

Have you and they had social care assessments?

Extra is all well and good but a shelter with warmth, running water and food is an absolute must. They must be able to contribute somehow? They will be in receipt of some benefits.

Online and in person

late teens

ok

so your younger two are at primary school
your older two seem very well supported and funded by the Local Authority