Is this fair?

[Friendsof5]

I’m a SAHM

4 kids 2 adult with ASD and metal health.

Im officially a carer and have PTSD due to previous trauma from a child and relationships since.

i would have difficulty working and trying to set up a small bus which is very slowly getting there but I’m not making money yet.

my adult children need a lot of support and my time is taken up caring for them and taking them to appointments organising education which is at home as they are SEN

my younger children are primary age and life is full on.

husband earns good money.

he has a physical job

we are older parents and he is very tired from work.

i struggle with housework as im busy with kids, one has daily appointments for their MH so im committed to taking them there and back and have to hang around whilst they are in the appointment

my husband does the bare minimum when he gets home from work. Does not wash up, tidy, cook but will when asked help with homework and occasionally with showering the youngest before bed. I most nights cook for him, wash his clothes etc

he gives me food money weekly which isn’t enough and I have to ask for this sometimes many times until he gives me it. I top up the shopping with my money.

he pays the bigger household bills and I pay tv and internet water that kind of thing.

he gave me shopping money, and st this time had a big bill for our family car. He went to shop and is asking for the money for the food he bought as he had given me food money. I am posing the bill for the car, I pay for running the car, tax, diesel etc. he has his vehicle for work. So my point is he’s not paying for everything and I’m not working and finding it hard.

i don’t ask often for money for kids trips, dinner money or anything else but now and again he helps.

I do get carers allowance and child benefits but I am reliant on him and find he is tight with money. But happy to splash out on meals out or gifts which is nice but not great when I’m struggling to make money last.

He is difficult to talk to and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for expecting him to contribute more with helping at home, he does a mad tidy now and again makes me feel bad as he does so much so quickly and financially is he being controlling?

I feel financially I’m trapped and he’s not supportive of me working or starting a business he mocks my attempts

No-one has said adult DC aren’t unwell or that they can just get better. What they have pointed out is UC and PIP is for their expenses, including household costs, and they should be contributing towards household expenses.

This!!!

It would be good for you to develop your older DC’s independence so you can look at earning some of your own money to build yourself savings/pension which I assume you have none.

It's really not that straightforward when they have serious mental health issues. I'm sure OP is doing her utmost to ensure they're as well as they can be. Why else would she be spending hours of her day bringing them to therapy?

There is some lack of understanding on this thread I feel @SearchingForSolitude. (See the above quote for example.)
With the best will in the world not everyone with ND and/or MH issues will develop to a stage where they are able to live independently. I'm not sure about OP's DC but she clearly has her hands full.
I do agree some the DC's money should be used for household expenses though.

firstly we are comfortable money wise and my husband is happy for the kids to keep their PIP

The taxi is when I occasionally travel with children as we have to travel this way for personal reasons. But yes it comes out of PIP. The kids use it to pay for many things they need and also are very sensible with it and their hobbies are such as learning new languages which will help them with their future.

i run my own car pay my own way etc etc etc

Nobody gets universal credits

my point is my husband likes to control the money he has agree to pay towards the food shopping and others have already said this is wrong.

i do not often ask for his help and have in the past been financially independent myself.

however, as his wife and mother of his children should I have to beg for a agreed amount of money he has said he would give me or for anything else the family should need above and beyond anything I already pay for.

DC, or their appointee, needs to apply for UC. They are adults who need to contribute to household expenses.

their hobbies are such as learning new languages which will help them with their future.

This is why their EHCPs need improving and why I asked what their hobbies are. This can be part of their EOTAS packages.

The taxi is when I occasionally travel with children as we have to travel this way for personal reasons. But yes it comes out of PIP.

And this is why you need to pursue transport via the LA, Healthcare Travel Costs Scheme or hospital transport.

@Rosievictoria I don’t lack understanding, thank you very much. I have disabled DC and support many other parents with disabled DC. The post of someone else’s you quoted can still be accurate even if DC will never live independently. Developing independence doesn’t necessarily mean living independently or doing anything independently. It could be developing PfA provision in EHCPs, it could be building on taking taxis, working towards having others supporting them some or all of the time, working on communication skills… whatever is suitable. All young adults with EHCPs should have PfA provision in whatever format is suitable.

Oh no, it was pps I was talking about when I mentioned lack of understanding @SearchingForSolitude, not you at all. Sorry that wasn't clear.

I directed my comment to you because you said
No-one has said adult DC aren’t unwell or that they can just get better
and I really think some did imply that at least, and that there is an element of the 'buck up and do better' in some of the responses to OP.

I think sometimes those who don't have experience of DCs with serious MH issues can find it hard to understand just how difficult things can be and parents can be blamed for poor management and so on.

My criticism of the other post is not that I think OP's DC shouldn't gain as many independence skills as possible, that's not it at all...more that pp thought that this was something that needed to be said, like it wouldn't have occurred to OP already? There's a reason she's facilitating hours of therapy each week. She's already trying to do her very best for them.

Sorry, I'm probably just overly sensitive as I'm also dealing with a DC with lots of issues and I'm probably personalising this too much.

Apologies for misunderstanding your post, @Rosievictoria.

I disagree, no-one has said OP’s adult DC aren’t unwell or that they can just get better. There are, however, things OP seems unaware. For example, that the therapies should be in F and therefore transport provided by the LA (or mileage if OP prefers), things like language learning being in F as part of an EOTAS package, applying for UC, HTCS for other medical appointments. It isn’t about OP not trying her best, but about her being unaware of what is possible and how to navigate the system - as many parents are, that’s not attaching parental blame, you don’t know what you don’t know.

@SearchingForSolitude
Some have said that OP is journeying unnessarily every day, for example, which to me implies they think her DC should just become well enough to make the journey alone?
(OP's mention of a taxi seemed to cause a huge amount of confusion for some reason. She had already said her DC needed her there so it was obvious that she had to travel with them.)

OP has also been asked repeatedly why she had 4 children, told that people feel sorry for her younger two, asked what sort of environment she was raising them in, told to 'come off it' (re the general situation I think), told she needed to let her adult children be and to concentrate on the younger two. So I stand by my comment that some on this thread have shown a lack of understanding.

All the practical advice you've given will hopefully be very helpful. I am outside the UK so can give no help at all in this area!

@Rosievictoria none of your penultimate paragraph is telling the OP her DC aren’t unwell or can just get better though, which is what I posted and you disagreed with. Yes, there’s a lack of understanding in some posts about other aspects, but that’s not what I posted about and you disagreed with.

Some have said that OP is journeying unnessarily every day, for example, which to me implies they think her DC should just become well enough to make the journey alone?

To me, that doesn’t imply DC should just become well enough to make the journey alone. Rather that there are other options. DC in England receive transport to EOTAS provisions without parents daily. Some have an escort, some do not. Where travel isn’t possible, EOTAS therapies can also be delivered in DC’s home or closer to home. Where parents do transport DC, they can receive mileage, which would help OP’s financial situation.

You adult children need to start using their money to pay for taxis rather than their mother. 4 hours of driving a day to drive them to therapy whilst you sit in the car? come off it op

We will have to agree to disagree @SearchingForSolitude.

Where exactly in that quote does it say the DC has to travel alone?

Ah, come on, the implication is extremely clear. That poster in particular didn't seem to have any sympathy for OP.

Others were thoughtful and helpful of course, but some people just didn't get it.

I don't think this to-ing and fro-ing is helping anyone so I'm going to sign off now.

Hope things work out for you OP. I'm not sure how best you deal with your DH I'm afraid.

We will have to agree to disagree. Nowhere does it say OP’s DC aren’t unwell, just have to get better or travel alone.

TAs/HLTAs/mentors/escorts/PAs etc. travel in taxis with DC daily to the SEP in EOTAS packages. For more general medical appts, if patients cannot travel independently there is patient transport, which, where necessary, can have an escort as well as a driver.

That’s their business

well no OP, it isn’t actually, considering they are dominating your time and energy and limiting your ability to earn.

and consequently their younger siblings enduring the consequences of the above

it is your business.

He's an a-hole but why aren't adult children claiming benefits eg pip? They need to be paying their way too.

They are but they keep that for themselves.