Midlife crisis

[moviegirl]

only just joined this site today so be gentle with me! Am 41 year old mum to a wonderful eitht year old boy. Married for 10+ years.
Last Sunday my husband, following another major drinking session said he didnt love or trust me anymore, hated his job, life everything. Am devastated. Nobody is perfect and neither am I. Got into debt a few years ago and he had to bail me out. Had a breakdown. But he forgive me and helped me re-build my life. I got a fantastic (and highly paid) new job a year ago and everthing was going well or so I thought. He now says he hasnt forgiven me for the debt and never will

He has swanned off for a buisness meeting and is intending to stay away until Monday night "to sort himslef and his life out" Meanwhile I am left here to put on a brave face to son and my elderly paretns.
Have gone from loving him to hating him and back. Havent eaten for days nor slept.

Feel like such a failure and bad wife.

Not coping well at all, any advice for me?
My hubby is 47. thanks

I hate to say this Moviegirl but it sounds that there maybe an OW lurking in the background somewhere. Where is he staying this weekend ? Why has he suddenly decided he doesn't trust you or love you anymore ? I presume you haven't got into anymore debt etc. It sounds like he is deflecting onto to you to justify an affair - my DH did this to me last year.

I'm sure WhenwillIfeelnormal will be along soon with her wonderful advice. I'm currently still working through my DH's "mid life" crisis/affair and find some of these threads quite painful still.

Good luck (and do some snooping).

thanks for that. His meeting was in Leeds then he is apparantly going "camping" somewhere in North Yorks.

Was there for last 2 weekends with some old school friends.

No more debt we have a very comfortable life. Both work full time with no mortgage so have lots to be thanful for.

He has always said that he would never cheat and that if he felt like it then he would tell me but i just dont know.

If he's suddenly not trusting you when you've done nothing wrong (sexually, I mean, not financially) then it's possible that he's considering doing the dirty himself, I would have thought, and that might well explain his whole weekend 'business' meeting.

On the other hand, he might be sitting alone at a hotel bar getting hammered.

You're not a failure, I'm sure.

Snooping might unearth something, but more often than not you'll find something you wish you hadn't, so you have to prepare yourself for that.

BTW my DH told me him wanted some space, a few days away to "sort himself out" - read that "go to OW's to shag all day/night"

I really feel for you, it's a terrible feeling (I was 42 at the time and have 4DSs), couldn't eat, sleep etc.

Start to look after yourself and be kind to yourself, you will also need to get some legal advice (ie take some control). And use this weekend to think as well about what you want.

So this is his third weekend away in a row?

That's just plain selfish.

Can you contact the friends he was supposedly seeing last weekend on some spurious reason, to see if he was telling the truth?

He drinks heavily, am hoping it is just depression

Has he seemed v unhappy?

Moviegirl, all of us have had DHs who despised men who cheated, who we considered would be the last people on earth to cheat but they have done .

My DH's affair last about 2.5/3 months, he was utterly vile to me during that time and left me for OW for about 6 weeks. It was some sort of mid life crisis (he was 40 last year) and even now he can't believe that he actually did it. We have worked through everything (and are still going over things) so you can recover from this things.

It just seems strange that your DH has suddenly started saying these things ......

dont have any contact details for friends

i know he has spent a lot of money in last few weeks but assumed it was on accomodation and beer.

I have never cheated on him ever.

He has had a really bad time with his job = been doing it for a long time and not getting breaks, promotions etc.. know he hastes it and was intensely jealous when i got my new role but we have talked adn talked about it and i have supported him as much as possible.

off to do bairns tea back soon.

can you hack into his facebook account?

Do you even want to snoop?

Have just texted him and asked out right.

Says that he doesnt have anyone and the fact that i even asked shows what it wrong with the relationship. Cannot do right for doing F wrong.

wow - that's just mean. Can he not understand when something has happened out of the blue like this you are bound to question him - he's not showing you a lot of kindness is he? Given the length of time oyu have been together I would have though he could have been a little more understanding.

My first thought when i read your post is that there is someone else - we all might be wrong but he doesn sound as if he is trying to find a problem with you and your relationship - he is picking a fight and then acting all suprised when you react.

Like someone else said, I too would suggest that you seek some legal advice - not that this will make you feel ay better emotionally but you do need to have this up your sleeve so if the worst happens you know how to deal with practical things.

Most of all I am terribly sorry for you, this sounds just dreadful and I really hope you can reach out to friends in RL and let them help you through this.

thanks

parents live in granny flat next to us and are blissfully unaware that anything is wrong - they are both 70 and in poor health so this would devastate them. Son also has no clue that his mother is breaking her heart here.

okay so there's this woman. I am sure that she was an ex-girlfriend from his school days. She has divorced and moved back to area where he has spent last couple of weekends.

She is on his facebook account.

Am i just making two and two add up to five? Could it be his reminising of the old days has unsettled him.

He outright denys an affair but how the hell does he expect us to sort things out if he is spending three nights away "thinking" about things.

I think your two and two is making the right answer. He will deny anything that you can't prove atm. My DH denied everything until he finally couldn't deny anymore (he'd been living with OW for 5 weeks by then and yes I'm sure I didn't want to believe it myself which is why it took so long for me to work it out).

He was also going through some mental stuff with addiction, severe problems with own business etc. The attention, the ego stoking etc that the OW gave him was irresistable. It made him fill really good about himself, she made him fill wonderful and he fell for it. He wasn't so much attracted to her (as she was a complete minger ) but attracted to the feelings she roused in him IYSWIM.

Have you been able to see what they have been chatting about ? and have you got the details of the hotel where he is staying ? A surprise visit could be in order if you could arrange for someone to look after your DS. My DH spent 3 days away in a hotel (to get his "space") and I wish to god I had sprung a surprise visit on him because the OW paid him a visit there. In fact he said he thought I was going to turn up there, I think the thrill of the illicitness of it all turn him on as well. He had been depressed and the affair made him feel "alive" again.

Suggest Relate to your DH, see what his reaction is and also get yourself a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glas. It's primarily about recovery after affairs but also has very useful chapters on communcation and repairing marriages.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

says he is camping not in a hotel but i dont believe him

he could be anywhere in the country so a visit would be futile.

cant drive anyway - which aint good i know.

looked at messages but cant see anything out of order - then agian he is a computer geek and much too clever.

i met him online and he was the first and only man i have ever slept with - thought that made us special. guess i was wrong. should have resigned myself to life alone which i had done before we met 10 years ago. been called a dog and ugly all my life and believe it. guess after the debt i deserve all that is coming to me.

I would be inclined to try to get some evidence of where he is this weekend and where he was previous weekends. Whatever he says (e.g. if he shouts and says that "it's typical - you don't trust him") I think that the reality is that if he doesn't/won't/can't say - he's hiding something, whatever it is. I had similar issues with my XP who just got angry when I became concerned by his behaviour and tried to turn it into my fault (and I then felt guilty for asking ), but think about it....he is your husband - logically, why should he not say where he is if he's hiding nothing. I eventually discovered that my XP had been lying all along.

If the situation persists, get the book recommended - it's good.

Keep your spirits up - get some RL support - whatever is happening ... and hopefully it's not an OW, you will need to stay strong.

Moviegirl - Xpost - you don't deserve this, no-one deserves to be treated badly - even if someone decides that they don't want to be with someone, they still deserve respect.

thanks

what a mess, so much worse with a child and my elderly parents too.

he has drawn out £350 cash in last fortnight so no clues there - like i said much too clever.

The one thing I took from my marital crisis is that the only person I could control was myself. I have been with my H for 10 years when he did what he did. We had/have a very stressful homelife, 4DSs (2 with ASD) and I was a SAHM. I lost myself completely, I felt all I did was clear up poo and puke, make tea, do the school runs etc, I didn't have much fun. And then he goes and runs off with OW ! When I found out I got so angry and it gave me the impetus to put myself first for a change. I'm still working on it, I need to do some hobby or retrain but I now make time for me, reading a book, going shopping for clothes/make up for me, getting my nails done etc.

Our therapist at Relate was really good (told my DH that he has behaved like a five year old all his life - took a while for him to acknowledge that one !!!).

If you haven't had any counselling before, booked some up for yourself. I initially booked the Relate appointment for myself as I was in such a state (after being abandoned) but in the end, DH asked to come along with me as he was so horrified with what he had done and realised he needed help.

We both had a load of childhood issues, both been bullied at school etc. my 1st H was an alcoholic (bottle hiding one), my dad was an abusive drunk, (can you tell I'm co-dependent ?) and we take that crap into our adult relationships.

Co-dependency could be an issue for you too - you say your H's a heavy drinker and you obviously have some self-esteem issues.

Sorry for the waffle - been through hell and back myself in the last twelve months

he was drining about abottle of whiskey per night so i put his recent moodyness down to depression from that but the facebook woman i just dont know.

sorry that you have had such a terrible time, i really do wonder why we even bother.

Got a great new job, fantastic salary (double his) wonderful son... so lots to be grateful for.... shame he doesnt feel same.

what is really sad about all of this is I dont think my DC would miss his dad. My DH never bonded with my son, had a crisis 6 months into pregnancy - didnt know if he could cope with responsibility etc..
never plays with son as "he doenst know how" has never read to him or anything

they have no relationship what so ever and son loves it when he is not around.

i have resented my DH for years for this as i could never understand him - he was one of 6 children where as i was an only child so if anyone would have had problems with looking after children it should have been me.

DC doesnt love his dad i know that - as soon as he is old enough to play violent computer games and drink i am sure they will have a great relationship.

i work full time (start at 7.00am and finish at 5.00pm) and so 99% of housework and 100% of stuff with child whilst he sits and shoots people on his PS3

I really feel for where you are right now. You need to keep calm and try and slow things down for yourself. You have to keep eating to keep yourself strong, and doing your normal day-to-day things. I had a similar situation recently, am still in it really, and I lost weight suddenly and was conpletely unable to switch off from it. It enters your thoughts every minute of every day. I was sort of consumed by needing to know whether an affair was happening and had a 'pit of stomach' feeling all the time. It's this anxiety feeling that makes you lose weight but it's so horrid.

I was amazed when I posted my situation on here 3 or 4 weeks ago how many people said this was like a script, that a guy having an affair does these things - distancing, critisising, belittling (excuse spelling, you know what I mean!). It is so much help to hear from people who have been there themselves. You need to be prepared for what the next few days might bring. You may get some straight talking or you may get complete denial and more unreasonable behaviour.

Make sure you look after yourself. You will be fine. If you've recovered from a breakdown in the past, you'll have huge inner resources to draw on. I found my DC kept me going, I was chirpy for them because I felt they needed me to be (although they knew nothing about what was going on) and that 'false chirpyness' actually saw me through some really harrowing, obsessed days.

The fact that he is so defensive is really telling. If there was nothing going on, would he mind you asking and raising a reasonable question? If there was nothing going on, he might be flattered that you'd think that and reassure you in a kind way. He's not doing that and staying away doesn't show much commitment to sorting things out.

Take care

thanks for that and all your kind words

it is just so difficult

little boy is sitting right next to me engrossed in his DS game - bless him

Men - cant live with them, cant shoot them!