Midlife crisis

[moviegirl]

only just joined this site today so be gentle with me! Am 41 year old mum to a wonderful eitht year old boy. Married for 10+ years.
Last Sunday my husband, following another major drinking session said he didnt love or trust me anymore, hated his job, life everything. Am devastated. Nobody is perfect and neither am I. Got into debt a few years ago and he had to bail me out. Had a breakdown. But he forgive me and helped me re-build my life. I got a fantastic (and highly paid) new job a year ago and everthing was going well or so I thought. He now says he hasnt forgiven me for the debt and never will

He has swanned off for a buisness meeting and is intending to stay away until Monday night "to sort himslef and his life out" Meanwhile I am left here to put on a brave face to son and my elderly paretns.
Have gone from loving him to hating him and back. Havent eaten for days nor slept.

Feel like such a failure and bad wife.

Not coping well at all, any advice for me?
My hubby is 47. thanks

He enabled you by paying off your debt (rather than making you take responsibility for your own actions) and is using that enabling behaviour as a stick to beat you with now. You in turn have enabled him by being there for him despite his abusive behaviours. I would also say that withholding money as he has done is financial abuse.

Chucking his bottles of alcohol down the sink whilst empowering to you is not an action I would have recommended. He could become very angry at you for chucking away his precious alcohol. Its an action that ultaimtely neither helps him or you as doing this just gives you a false sense of control.
It won't make him face up to his problems with alcohol. He has to want to seek help for his alcoholism, you cannot make him take that step for him.

You are also not responsible for him, only you and your son.

Alcohol too acts as a depressent. The depression and alcoholism are combined here; he is probably self medicating with alcohol.

You wrote previously
"all i want is a normal family life"
That will patently not happen with him around. He is a functioning alcoholic. You and your son deserve far better than having a man in your lives who contributes nothing but anguish.

Who in your life called you "a dog and ugly"?. Was this your own parents?

i used to be called this all through school and beyond - by men

I aint pretty by any standards except my wedding photo which i am proud off, and yes i have had self assteem problems but it was meeting my DH that brought me out of that - he told me how lovely i was etc...

He has had asteem problems in the past - I am constantly telling him how "smart" he looks in new suit, sexy in jeans etc... you know the sort of thing but I dont think he has paid me a compliment in 18 months

he constantly needs telling how wonderful he is, I have to praise his food, his abilities etc... it goes on and on. It is very tiring and exhausting but I just too it that it was what he needed.

Dont care if I will have upset him by throwing out the alcohol - he can buy more and frankly I dont think he has any cause for complaint.

moviegirl

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Did your Dad call you ugly too?.

Have you considered that being called those names as you were was actually the catalyst for the debt you ran up?. Those awful men did a good job of wrecking any self worth you have, the after effects of which have continued. Now you are with someone who continues to treat you poorly. You truly deserve better but do you really believe that you do?.

Why did you allow your salary to be paid into his account?. I presume you had no say in the matter.

Would actually make your home an alcohol free one. If he is not there (and I would not let him back now) he cannot keep alcohol in it.

On a much wider level what are you both teaching your son about relationships?.
He is also being affected by his parents battleground of a relationship.

my dad didnt call me anything just schoolboys and men in general

I am actully proud of myself. Pulled my self out of the depths, got myself a fantastic new job and was feeling really good about myself.

He wanted to contol the money so that i wasnt tempted to spend again. Yes I used shopping to make me feel better - and a lot of that was down to him although I never dared say it. I understood his reasoning at the time and I suppose I was just grateful he helped me though it all and didnt just go off with my son which I suppose he could have done

DS has absolutely no idea. He knows his dad drinks but we have never ever had a cross word in front of him - ever period.

He doesnt like his dad though - and loves it when he works away - maybe he has a sixth sense - but we honestly have never argued in front of him

we had a family holiday last month so as far as he is concerned al is hunky dory

You have done well to pull yourself back from the brink.

You cannot presume to say though that as far as he (your son) is concerned all is hunky dory. Have you asked him?. I have a feeling your son knows more than you realise about the unspoken tensions between you and your insecure H. He does not express it though for fear of upsetting you his Mum. He may think you'll leave him too.

What is he learning about relationships from the two of you though, he is learning damaging lessons. He has no real relationship with his Dad, is this really what you want long term for your son as well as you?. This is truly no way to be living.

well the realationship is over.

when he wouldnt respond to my text i sent another that said he had an hour to ring me or else i would take that to mean he didnt want to resolve anything.

He replied with a threatening text so I rang him. He was most annoyed that i had seeing as he was in a pub somewhere drinking and watching match!!

Told me he would come back tomorrow and pack his stuff so I told him i would pack it for him today and that its over.

I think we have both known this for a while and that he lacked courage to do it as did i. He has probably done me a huge favour as his behaviour has made me do a lot of soul searching and made me realise i do not love him any more - if he couldnt forgive me then he should have left straight away.

Told parents who are absolutely fine about it - they are amazed it lasted as long and also think he has OW. Told DS who is heartbroken but the four of us will get through it.

Got to go for now.Got to ring my boss and then start packing.

thanks for all your words of wisdom and support you have been wonderful each and everyone of you.

xxx moviegirl

for you but feels like you are getting stronger and taking control

well done today ... cr** but I see your Dumpling fabulosity starting to emerge ...

Well done you!

Thought some of the other comments have been a bit harsh, maybe you have to go through this to really know how it feels.

I promise you, once he has taken his things you will feel such a weight lifted.
Your DS will be upset but this may force them to get to know each other at last. Just don't diss his dad in front of him, it will not help. He needs to know you both love him and it's not his fault in any way, and that you are staying put.

You have taken the first step, the next few will be shakey but before long you will be striding out there, head held high and feeling fab.

Talking on here seems to have helped you, I'm sure you will get lots more support through the coming weeks.

Sending you a big supportive hug x

Just tried to send you some contact details but your settings don't allow emails - if you think you might want a chat sometime just let me know.

Well done Movie

Try getting to the bank and sorting that account and also see a solicitor asap re house, money and access to DS (if he wants it). Think you could change the locks as he does not own the house or have his name on any rental agreement (not sure though you need to check)

The 4 of you will be fine baby steps day at a time.

How are you feeling now ??

x

back on

Feel like a weights been lifted. But shit scared all the same

Worried what he will do - what if he turns up and is violent, abusive.

I know absolutely that this is the right move for me. If i had accepted his behaviour and just carried on as normal when he got back then it would have all fested and raised its head again in six months like it has over the past six years.

Ironically him going away this weekend to "find himself" has allowed me to find myself. I think he will be shocked to the core and will never ever forgive me for this but i feel so releaved.

You don't need his forgivness, you know you have done the right thing. Being scared is understandable, tomorrow will not be easy but you stay strong and it will work out for the best.
Has he been violent before? If he has, changing the locks seems a good option, you need to protect yourself and family.
Have you any friends that could be with you tomorrow?

movie, I have just come across this thread... I see you are new to MN and have gained a lot of support

I have also seen you post some very good advice on other threads

I think you will be ok , but keep posting, you are an inspiration

thanks for all your support

My DS feels angry sad , confused and heartbroken (his words as he is sitting next to me and wanted to say that!

But we will get through this together, by talking and talking and talking some more along with a million hugs and kisses.

DS will give you the strength to get through this for each other.

You have much support on here, don't ever feel you are coping alone.

movie, you sound wonderful

thanks Any and all of you

we will have to exchange email addresses but dont know how we get around that on here?

will go off soon as both my DS are going to try and get some much needed sleep - can see us still watching spongbob at 1am - but if that's what he needs then so be it - am rather partial to a bit of the sponge.

Have a good night y'all and speak tomorrow.

xxxx

movie...good night love

if you want to speak to people off MN you press "contact poster" at the right of the blue line at the top of each post

you will have to enable "cat" though which will cost you the princely sum of a fiver

personally, I have found it very useful

thanks AnyF I will set up the Cat thingy when i have a bank account!!

Moviegirl, I want to wish you all the luck in the world and a bit of practical advice, if you have trouble getting a bank a/c because of the previous debt, try the Co-op Bank - they do an a/c that they give to anyone regardless of "previous".

You sound amazingly strong and have a lovely ds. good luck to you, you certainly dont need the H around.

make sure you get bank account asap and work doesnt pay anymore money into that account.

xx

Moviegirl, good on you. Your ability to make a decision in one weekend is great. But are things ok? The lack of posts today - while entirely understandable - is a little worrying.

are you ok, movie ?

hey Movie

Comeback when you can and let us know how you are today.

Been thinking about you and DS

Hope you can update soon - lot of people thinking about you and wishing you well.