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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Midlife crisis

219 replies

moviegirl · 19/03/2010 17:29

only just joined this site today so be gentle with me! Am 41 year old mum to a wonderful eitht year old boy. Married for 10+ years.
Last Sunday my husband, following another major drinking session said he didnt love or trust me anymore, hated his job, life everything. Am devastated. Nobody is perfect and neither am I. Got into debt a few years ago and he had to bail me out. Had a breakdown. But he forgive me and helped me re-build my life. I got a fantastic (and highly paid) new job a year ago and everthing was going well or so I thought. He now says he hasnt forgiven me for the debt and never will

He has swanned off for a buisness meeting and is intending to stay away until Monday night "to sort himslef and his life out" Meanwhile I am left here to put on a brave face to son and my elderly paretns.
Have gone from loving him to hating him and back. Havent eaten for days nor slept.

Feel like such a failure and bad wife.

Not coping well at all, any advice for me?
My hubby is 47. thanks

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 22/03/2010 22:53

Hi Movie - hope it went as well as it could do today? are you ok?

MsMerlot · 31/03/2010 20:58

Hello Movie - how are you doing?

Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 18:14

not doing good. took him back , he cried said how sorry he was, loved me etc...

just back from holiday today (week away with DS) and it all blew up again. Doesnt know if he loves me, cannot ever forgive me, i am to blame for everything.....

off for a lads night playing computer games whilst i pick up pieces here with DS and parents

OP posts:
Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 18:59

got my own bank account by the way and my salary will be paid into it this month. Got to sort out bills and stuff which i will do in next few days - regardless of what happens!

sorry that i wasnt on for such a long time but was "trying" to rebuild marriage - wasted my time there!!!

cannot believe he has done this again. I also cannot believe what he did to me on holiday--- started to make love to me (during argument so perhaps not best time but i take what i can get these days) 10 minutes into it he stopped and said it was to teach me a lesson!!! How cruel was that?

OP posts:
maduggar · 10/04/2010 19:03

Have you asked to see evidence of your savings?

Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 19:07

for those that remember me from 3 weeks ago...... so he came back. no OW. very contrite and sorry... wanting to make a go of things. so we talked and talked and held a sort of limbo for 2 weeks. We have just come back from holiday. 3 major bustups and back to square one. threw everything back in my face again and said that he had come to realise he wasnt sorry but that i was to blame for everthing. He is away again to "think". Feel like running until i run out of road. DS upset, parents upset, Everyone upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 19:36

sorry maduggar what savings?

OP posts:
maduggar · 10/04/2010 19:39

sorry, I thought earlier in the thread you said you werent allowed to see your bank account because he wanted to surprise you with the amount he had saved.

Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 19:45

gosh yes, was sooooooooo long ago and my brain is mush at the moment. Yes he did say that. He has bought some Premium bonds and the certificates are in the house - so that is my evidence

feel totally shit at the moment, cannot do right for wrong. I know i did wrong but why cant he forgive me? He is very black and white, previous relationships all ended (so I have been led to believe) when the woman did something wrong that couldnt be forgiven. wish to god he had left all those years ago when he found out about the debt. would have been easier to deal with instead of living a lie for 6 years - his words

really have tried this last 3 weeks, no alcohol (until holiday) and thought that we could build on things, but he would nt let me touch him or else he said it would confuse things. all i wanted was to hold him - was that so bad?

sick of crying into the shoulder of DC - so unfair of me. am i such a bad person? a bad wife? he says that i am the perfect mother for our DC but obviously shit wife for him.

OP posts:
maduggar · 10/04/2010 19:55

You are not a shit wife, but he is certainly a shit husband! He wont let you touch him? Whyever not? This si the time, if he was serious about giving it a real go of things, that he should be wanting to touch & hold each other!

Please dotn wear yourself down trying to please him - you wont be able to and will only damage yoru own peace of mind & self esteem.

6 years is a long time, I think he likes to use this over you as a form of control. No-one deserves to be punished for 6 years, especially when you have doen everything in yoru power to resolve it!

How did he react to you getting your own bank account?

Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 20:04

he thought it was a great idea. he said that we should have done it years ago, that that would have been the only way that I could prove that wouldnt do the debt thing again. He took away the debt but i never really took control for my own actions. He seemed really pleased that i had my own account and i thought he meant it. Says "I" control everything in life which i feel isnt true.

i have tried to be a good wife and even better mother - and think perhaps i over compensated with DC as he was such a poor father who would never play with DC etc.. perhaps i forgot about us being a couple but honest to god all i ever wanted was the best for DC and for him to have the best childhood. i think he is jealous of my relationship with DC which he denys but i honestly think it is the case.

OP posts:
maybees · 10/04/2010 20:21

Big hugs honey ...back soon just doin dcs....stopping during sex thing AWFUL,CRUEL,SELFISH.HURTFUL,TWISTED MAN.

Make space between u and him and FLOURISH !

ps hope ur eating better congrats on the bank account x

Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 20:27

Lost a stone and a half 3 weeks ago but probably put that back on this week on holiday - did eat well. Havent eaten a thing - everything goes straight through me today and have no appetite.

If nowt else should be a supermodel size by the summer --- new wardrobe with new bank account

OP posts:
Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 20:29

I cried when he stopped making love to me, and said how could he be so cruel? He said he wanted to take my heart and rip it out and throw it on the floor as that is what i did to him with attempted suicide/debt all those years ago

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 10/04/2010 20:36

Hi Movie

How awful . Have been thinking about you.

As Maybees says, create space between you and him. Whatever has happened, whatever he feels, you need to be apart from him now to give you time to rebuild self esteem and take some control rather than being emotionally battered by him.

Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 20:50

just wish he would make his mind up -- loves me doesnt love me wants to stay doesnt want to stay --

go from feeling hatred towards him to love
sooooooo difficult

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 10/04/2010 20:54

sorry movie, sounds awful

but him persistently throwing your past back at you is a very cruel thing to do as is the sex thing..almost unbearably so...

well done for opening your bank account

how you spoken to your parents about it all?

Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 20:56

yip had to as DC heard everything and told them. They just dont understand him and are getting more annoyed by the minute. Not to mention stressed out and ill by it - poor things

it is difficult all living under one roof. my hubby talks about being trapped and having no where to go, but then so am i to some extent - he just doesnt see that

OP posts:
Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 23:14

just broke my heart in front of DC (he is sleeping next to me). he dries my eyes with his favourite toy and tells me its okay we will get through this.

He is 8 years old - what am i doing to him

feel like my heart is breaking

would give absolutely everything to have DH walk throught the door now and give me a hug

oh god! what mess

OP posts:
Doha · 10/04/2010 23:46

You need to be strong now.

you should be protecting your DC from his behaviour and it's effect on you.

Your heart may be breaking but think of what it is doing to your DC and parents.

Take the control back and start thinking of the family that loves you and not the twat who is messing with your head.

Be strong and decisive, no more tears in front of your DC. Show him that he has a strong mum who will always be there for him unlike is father.

you both deserve so much better

Original poster
moviegirl · 10/04/2010 23:52

thanks for that Dona

was really strong 3 weeks ago, decided enough was enough, took control..... then he walks through door and breaks his heart to me... what was i to do.... had to forgive him and try to make things work... but he now says he didnt mean any of it....

i agree though about DC.. shoudlnt have done it just the pressure of keeping it all in to myself and not falling apart in front of elderly parents -- i keep defending him god knows why....

do i love him anymore? or are the tears for what was our marriage? how do i know the difference?

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 10/04/2010 23:55

I feel so sorry for you. What a horrible & confusing time for you. You seem really lovely! You really do deserve better, you know.

Just going by the things you've written about, your H sounds like a vindictive, angry man who's made you the target for whatever's eating him. It's terribly unfair on you - and I'm sure there's more, which you haven't mentioned. The fact that you were using retail therapy a while back, to help you feel better, shows you weren't getting the love you needed from your marriage.

Even if you were still unsure about your feelings for him, this should be a deal-breaker:

Original poster
moviegirl · 11/04/2010 00:01

thanks for that

when he came back 3 weeks ago he promised our DC that he would hug him every day (something he has never done in DC's 8 years) - It lasted 3 days!!!

feel sorry for him, his is missing out on such a wonderful little boy. DC loves his dad but i know he loves me more.poor soul i just worry that in years to come he will hate me and i coudlnt bear that.

DH is angry - he has been all his life - had a childhood accident (cant say more) and never forgive sibling that did it - that was 40 years ago!

OP posts:
Original poster
moviegirl · 11/04/2010 01:11

did i mention that the mysterious face book woman turns out to be a drug and alcohol specialist nurse who is now his councellor as she really understands him

am i just being played for a fool here?

OP posts:
maduggar · 11/04/2010 08:04

I think so The "OW" always understands them better than their wife (or so they say, to excuse their behaviour!!).

You really need to help your DS, he should not be shouldering your pain. He also does not deserve this father. I really think that getting rid of this man will be the best thing for both of you.

I wish I could inject soem strength & resolve into you, to help you see the way forward and get you out of such an abusive place

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