Midlife crisis

[moviegirl]

only just joined this site today so be gentle with me! Am 41 year old mum to a wonderful eitht year old boy. Married for 10+ years.
Last Sunday my husband, following another major drinking session said he didnt love or trust me anymore, hated his job, life everything. Am devastated. Nobody is perfect and neither am I. Got into debt a few years ago and he had to bail me out. Had a breakdown. But he forgive me and helped me re-build my life. I got a fantastic (and highly paid) new job a year ago and everthing was going well or so I thought. He now says he hasnt forgiven me for the debt and never will

He has swanned off for a buisness meeting and is intending to stay away until Monday night "to sort himslef and his life out" Meanwhile I am left here to put on a brave face to son and my elderly paretns.
Have gone from loving him to hating him and back. Havent eaten for days nor slept.

Feel like such a failure and bad wife.

Not coping well at all, any advice for me?
My hubby is 47. thanks

Do you want to stay with him? Sorry if that seems insensitive right now, but what you've said about how he is at home and with your DC just makes me think, what's in it for you? How is it when you imagine life without him?

I would say a bottle of whiskey per night is alcoholism !!! I'm surprised he's still standing and functioning !!!! Do you want this marriage to continue like this anyway ?

I think that's the thing - DH knows now that I won't put up with anymore crap but we both now talk when we are feeling unhappy so that makes a difference.

Think about what you have just written, you've got a great new job, fantastic salary, wonderful son - you don't have to put up with his crap (drinking etc). That was what my therapist said to me "How much are you going to put up with ?" "When is enough, enough ?". You cannot control him but you can control how you react to him. Let him see you taking control, make an appointment and get some legal advice so you know where you stand. Try and get some evidence of what he is up to (he will slip up eventually). My DH didn't like it when I started going out and he didn't know where I was going.

Start thinking positively. I was a single mum for 5 yrs with DS1 (who's ASD) - it was bloody easier than living with a whiskey swilling alcoholic (and preferable). And as a person who grew up with a dad with a drink problem, I wished my mum had left him too.

i imagine life without him all the time

think it would be a huge weight off my shoulders. sick off walking around on eggshells trying to dodge his moods, whilst supporting all his work problems and tell him how he is so much better than all the rest et....

you know each day when he picks me up from work I ask him "how was your day" I then get a 20 minute tirade as to how bad it was. In all the years i have known him he has asked me the same question twice, that maybe says a lot.

Finacially i would cope fine - after all i am the main wage earner, but the thought of him withsomeone else makes me sick to my stomach which must mean deep down i still love him?

It's obviously not a good time right now to do anything drastic, but if I were you I might start working out the practical stuff about how I could leave, or get him to leave. Stuff others have said about getting legal advice and getting friends that might be supportive on board. You need to feel there is a way out if this continues in same vein or gets worse.

Do you really think you still love him? Not sure that sick to stomach thing is love. I would think 'how much will I miss our friday nights together, or our sunday walks, or our snuggles in bed?' I would imagine holidays without him, evenings without him etc and see how you feel. If you feel relief and a sense of calm maybe the love aspect has died? I play this game all the time.

problem is cant talk this through if he has bu**ered off for a few days to "think"

bless him, his mind in turmoil

he was even angry i texted

i would miss our snuggles but he hasnt shown any real affection for a couple of years - i had to do all the chasing. Refused to share settee or have a smooch. Sex - only after alcohol and no thought of my pleasure

I have made mistakes with the debt thing in the past but that was 6 years ago - shoudl i keep on being punished for it now?

of course you shouldn't still be being punished for it after this time. Even at the time, surely support was what you needed not punishment. Sounds like he was supportive then, but that it's all changed now.

It all sounds a bit like 'the script' - lack of affection etc. and being angry that you texted. Doesn't sound as though he's being honest with you and sounds as though you're putting up with a load of crap right now.

Can you address the alcohol issue with him without it creating confrontation?

did that on Wednesday night and he agreed that he has a problem and that he needed to cut down. we talked a bit, watched tv and had a laugh

Then through the night he started touching me. thought things were okay. next morning he apologised and said he shouldnt have done that as it confused the issue

left me devastated

said he used to alcohol to aneathetise things

had to leave work (am the boss so no problem) and took today off

just crying all the time

Yeah, I know that crying all the time thing. Really feel for you, it is so hard not knowing what is going on for someone else and what implications it has for your relationship.

That's why you have to take it slowly and see this as something that will unfold gradually over time. It will unfold and resolve itself somehow so you won't have this anxious uncertain upset all the time, but you're in the thick of it right now.

I lost weight initially which was good for me as slightly overweight anyway but am now into comfort eating stage as 3/4 weeks down the line with no real answers, my anxiety has burned out! Wine, cheese and biscuits and MN into the night, not good for the weight but makes you feel connected to people in similar situations and that is a huge help

The other thing is you have to sleep. You really do have to try get some sleep as lack of sleep distorts everything.

Have you tried having a bath with some music on and switching off from it all? A phone call with an old girlfriend who knows nothing about this might be distracting and cheer you up? Or reading a book, something that will help you to switch onto something else.

The days when I hadn't slept well the night before were so much worse emotionally. Try to drift off into happy thoughts about your DS and what you might do together over the weekend or easter hols

Sleep and good food to keep you strong

will bear that in mind

am slghtly overweight myself so will hardly fade away to nothing

have had a bite to eat tonight - my parents bless them got us all a takeaway - could hardly say no

anyway son notices if i dont eat and did that yesterday all day and he was most concerned.

just feel so exhaused by it all, and just wish i could understand him. why has he had to go away for so long? that is the annoying bit and i could scream!!!!!

cant sleep

have texted him but he ignores me

if you can't sleep might be best to just find something, anything! else to do - how about calling a friend

if he's ignoring you I would ignore him for now although I know it's hard (and I would find it hard to do!)

moviegirl, when my H phoned to tell me he wasn't coming home at midnight during his "crisis", I phoned the Samaritans. Spoke to a lovely lady for about an hour, I was in floods of tears. Think I spoke to her until about 2.00am as I had no one else to talk to or phone at that time of night.

have been texting friends all night and bless them they have been great, but they have their own families and need their sleep too.

i keep imagining him with someone else, so paranoid i know but that's what this sort of thing does to a person

i worry if i turn off laptop i will start crying again and wont stop - dont want to wake my angel who is sleeping next to me blissfully unaware of anything except mum is in a grump today!

If not Samaritans then keep talking about it here. You'll keep getting replies for hours yet I think.....!

So....what's your plan for tomorrow> any ideas on how to fill the day? (just chatting...)

well, my son has a swimming lesson at 10.30 so get that out of the way. Going to drop him off at home (with my parents who live with us - permanent babysitters) and pop down to see a friend for coffee and tears

oh and not lets forget the washing, ironing, dusting hoovering etc.......

would be nice to get away and "find myslef" but hey ho us women dont get the chance do we --- we have to grown up and get on with things

indeed we do have to get on with things .... but then a coffee a chat and a friend's duvet can be good at times

I'm sure your friend and others will be great. mine have been wuuuunnnndddddddddeeeeeeerrrrfullllll

And although there's lots of cr** am having fun with my friends like never before

would give anything for a real hug right now though - and from him - Bastard

still here
still texting
still mad
still sad

want hug from him
want words from him

what is he up to?
is he with someone else

this is torture

alone in house surrounded by people and having to put brave face on

would have a drink if i thought it wouldnt make me ill

havent eaten for three days so prob not a good idea

Movie girl I feel so sad for you.
From my point of view it seems so obvious. You are smart. Clearly. You are the boss of a successful organisation. You make loads of money. You care for your son, who loves you. You care for your parents, who love you.

You are married to an alcoholic who lies, can't form a relationship with his child and who is mistreating you.

You sound brilliant. He sounds like a tosser.

You keep mentioning this money that you lost. So what? It's only money, and by the sounds of it you have made it back. That is not unforgiveable (losing money). Infact it isn't really that big a deal! We all make mistakes in our marriages - and by the sound of it he is projecting his feelings onto that to make you feel guilty.
If he was any kind of a man he would have forgiven you and not brought it up again. FFS it's not like you ignored your child, drank too much and ran away is it? Oh wait, that was him!
You are a smart, successful woman. You will get through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be happy again.
Please keep posting.

sorry you're going through this and sorry he's not being honest with you , whatever is going on. If he is used to drinking that amount, I would suspect he has some quite major problems moviegirl. It only took you a few posts to get to thinking you'd be better off without him (though I know it's a bigger emotional leap to get to that point in real life!).

I would echo tarty's email and see a lawyer, especially if you are the main wage earner and even more so if he seems to look after ds more (even if he's not doing a great job of it).

thanks for all your emails

got about 2 hours of sleep last night

Awoke to a text saying "dont text anymore"

Am livid. So unreasonable. If this was me, off on my "own", whereever refusing to talk or contact him he would be furious.

He doenst look after son - EVER - PERIOD

My parents take him to school etc.. I do all the parenting role - he has no interest and never has

thank god for mum and dad. I know I am going to have to tell them about this soon.

You might be surprised; they could be less devastated than you expect.

well i know they are not that keen on him anymore

they used to call him their "son" but no more
He ignores them to most extent

i dont think they would be bothered but would worry about house, child me etc...

He already threatented me that if we did divorce he would get nasty and try to take DC away from me(this was during drunken tirade last sunday which kicked all this off - he also called me a bitch and whore!)