Midlife crisis

[moviegirl]

only just joined this site today so be gentle with me! Am 41 year old mum to a wonderful eitht year old boy. Married for 10+ years.
Last Sunday my husband, following another major drinking session said he didnt love or trust me anymore, hated his job, life everything. Am devastated. Nobody is perfect and neither am I. Got into debt a few years ago and he had to bail me out. Had a breakdown. But he forgive me and helped me re-build my life. I got a fantastic (and highly paid) new job a year ago and everthing was going well or so I thought. He now says he hasnt forgiven me for the debt and never will

He has swanned off for a buisness meeting and is intending to stay away until Monday night "to sort himslef and his life out" Meanwhile I am left here to put on a brave face to son and my elderly paretns.
Have gone from loving him to hating him and back. Havent eaten for days nor slept.

Feel like such a failure and bad wife.

Not coping well at all, any advice for me?
My hubby is 47. thanks

He did? Right, that does it. Time to reach for a loaded solicitor. Next time he kindly deigns to permit you to speak to him, ask him whether he would prefer you to put "adultery" or "unreasonable behaviour" on the petition.

#bristles#

ha ha lol

thank goodness for mumsnet - you have kept me going last night when i thought all was lost.

going to take DS to swimming this morning then off to a pals for coffee and tears (she has been badly let down with a man she put her life on hold for 20 years for only for him to do dirty) so no doubt plenty of man bashing

With my alcoholic exH, all contact with DS1 ceased when DS was 6 yrs old (I kicked exH out when DS1 was 18 mths old). He just couldn't be bothered - it's the addiction.
I also realised that exh couldn't be relied upon to pay maintenance etc (hanging on to his job by skin of his teeth) so I managed to get him to sign over the entire house in lieu of maintenance. You have to think long term with these men, will he be able to hang onto his job, his employers will notice his drink problem soon if they haven't already.

Tell you parents as well - mine were wonderful and supportive and didn't judge me for taking DH back(they have had a long marriage with a lot of ups and downs).

You need to start getting angry and think about what he has put you through recently. He's given you space to think as well and I think packed bags waiting for him should be his just desserts. I packed my DH's stuff in binliners and made him collect them when I found out what he was up to.

Take care.

he works for DWP and has been there for 20+ years so i would think his job is safe

although his drinking is severe, he never has a hangover and it hasnt (to my knowledge) affected his role.

House thing is complicated. My hubby and I dont actually own the house it is still owned by my parents. We moved in, paid for a granny flat to be built for parents and the deal was that they would sign the house over to us. This was all 8 years ago. But at the time my DH did something similar to this and my parents refused to sign house over - they no longer trusted him and that is when the rot set in with his relationship with them.

Having said that if we did split i dont know if he would be entitled to any part of the house, we pay all the bills and the thought of having to see my parents home would finish them off.

This is why you need to get legal advice PDQ, it will also empower you too.

Moviegirl,

What do you honestly want to happen?

And how likely do you think it is that that would actually come about?

Walking on eggshells round a borderline alcoholic who very obviously does not respect, love or value you - is that what you want?

Take care.

at the moment am just in turmoil and dont know what i want.

swing from loving to hating him in equal measure

the thought of him being with soemone else makes me sick to my stomach - is that love?

all i want is a normal family life

we have no mortgate, two great salaries going in, a wonderful DS and great support from my parents

we have so much to be grateful for and everyone i speak to echos this - on site baby sitters for starters - we can get away for nights out/weekends together without many problems

i know he is most unhappy in his job but think alot of this is depression due to his alcohol levels. he denies he is depressed i think he most certainly is

one big bloody mess

Hmm, ain't no such thing as a safe job any more, even in government service, I am in a very good position to state. No employer will put up with seriously impaired efficiency for ever, and no employment tribunal would force them to.

but he is never ill with it or off work through it

he can go for a couple of nights without a drink - that sounds so wrong i know

i only have to look at a G&T and get a hangover

off to swimming back later pals

Moviegirl, this guy isn't adding anything to your life. He doesn't contribute as much as you financially, he doesn't act as a father to his own son (FFS "I don't know how" what a plonker), he doesn't give you sexual pleasure, he's been away for the last three weekends so isn't much of a companion, he's drinking a whole bottle of whiskey a night, he goes on about his problems and doesn't listen to yours, I BET you're doing all the housework and cooking, aren't you?

Seriously. You're hurting like hell, this is a shock and awful for your self esteem. You know what would show him?

Stop texting him and start packing his stuff. Or, tell your boss you've had a bereavement and need a few days, pack some clothes for you and your son, and go on holiday somewhere warm for a few days. Let him wonder.

And please, get some legal advice about alimony/custody/etc. It's usually free at first, it doesn't commit you to anything, but if he comes back from shagging the other woman his time away to think, and says he needs more time, won't it be nice to say 'well I've talked to a solicitor and this is what I propose'...

Get the upper hand, is what I'm saying.

Oops, should have reloaded page before posting. My advice still stands, but you are in a much much more powerful position than I thought.

He cannot take your son. You are the sole carer, the main breadwinner, and the non alcoholic partner. And not a cheating fuckwit. You will win custody. In fact, he won't even try. It's a standard threat, but he won't go for custody. He doesn't want it.

Oh God, I'm sorry but ditto on the OW comments. The excuses are exactly those that my ex used.

You are definitely not a bad wife or mother. With half the world up to it's ears in debt and losing their jobs you've hauled yourself out of debt (even if he did help a bit), sorted yourself out and landed a plum job that pays well. Sounds like you're doing pretty well to me.

I'd treat yourself and ds to a really fab weekend together, go out somewhere special and new, then maybe a film and a pizza. Spoil yourselves.

And then check dh's clothes when he gets back. Camping in this weather involves mud. If he comes back all neatly packed & clean, some fairly intrusive snooping is in order I think.

Hello everyone

back from my man bashing session with pal - very theraputic

Am feeling calm now - but know that will pass

HE had the cheek to text and ask how the swimming lesson went - this was after him telling me NOT to text.

Have ignored him

Having coffee and then start to tackle the housework

One things for sure, after this weekend the place will never have been so clean and tidy

Had a fab afternoon clearing out bedroom cupboards - four bin bags full of old toys, bedding etc...

very theraputic

if only i could do same with his stuff

no texts
no emails

he is probably sitting in pub somewhere watching toon match!!!

I have decided though that his behaviour is not acceptable and if he tries and turns it around and blames me i will be strong and turn it back enough is enough

he could be anywhere in country for gods sake doing anything with anyone

he could even be setting himself up in a nice little flat and this was all part of the plan

bastard!

wish it dindt make me feel so bad though

have drafted a text for my DH but dont know whether to send it words to the effect that his behaviour is irresponsible, he could be anywhere with anyone and if I had done this he would be furious. Said he should come home immediately and talk things through

problem is do i send it?
he said not to text
it might push him over the edge
but i cannot go on like this.....

Help

I wouldn't bother with anymore texts until he gets home now. My DH went AWOL, only contactable by mobile - as I said he was actually with OW. My DS2 actually broke his thumb whilst DH was AWOL, when I texted him to tell him he told me I was getting into his "space" and to leave him alone (OW told him it was a ruse I was using to get to him !).

Leave him alone and let him know in no uncertain terms when he gets back, that things cannot continue as they are. He needs to get help for his drinking and you both need to go to Relate. If he is unwilling then you have your answer, pack his bags etc (that normally brings them back to reality pretty quickly).

Go somewhere nice with your DS today and treat yourself, buy some news clothes/makeup, book a holiday for you and your DS - sod him !

Take care.

thanks but I still think I should send text.

Pity for him if I am invading "his space" when do I get my space

unfortunately after the debt issue he closed my bank account and set up an account for me to use adjacent to his. My wages go into his account and I have no access to this. he put £50 in the joint for me for shopping this weekend but as i had to buy food etc.. that is all but gone. He give me "pocket money" cash once a month but out of that I have to buy all my own clothes, make up, bus fares, etc..... so almost all gone.

Total mess.will just console myself with housework until I decide what to do.

For a start, open your own a/c today on the internet and get your wages paid into that. He has a drink problem and has sole access to all YOUR money. Tell your employers tomorrow not to pay your salary into that a/c anymore and you will give them new a/c details asap.

Can't you open your own account and have your wages paid in there?

If you have a joint account, I am sure there is no reason why you can't have your own. Then get salary paid into your account asap. Otherwise he can take you to the cleaners financially.

would only do that if we split - would have to then. We agreed to my salary going into his account to stop me getting into debt again and so that he could control what we spend and save etc.. which is fair enough. I used to be able to log into the account but then last year he said he didnt want that as he wanted it to be a surprise what we were saving?

You know the thing is financially I could more than manage - I earn double what he does now thanks to my getting my fab new job and even though he said it doenst bother him I think it does. Also as this is effectively my parents house he would have to leave and leave with nothing. My son and I would still have our house and good standard of living.

just in a total turmoil and dont know what to do for best, but not talking about it is killing me.

He won't let you log into the a/c so you can't see what is going on and what he is doing with your money! How do you know that he hasn't stashed a load away and is going to run off with OW ? Please just take control on this one thing if you do nothing else.

If you stay together you can arrange a s/order of a certain amount to be paid into the joint a/c to meet bills etc.

He sounds like he has controlled you throughout your relationship - maybe your debts weren't that bad, maybe you could have sorted them out yourself without his help but it appears that he has turned into a way to control you.

I suspect it will be a "surprise" to you how much is in that account but I doubt it will be a happy one

Living with an actively drinking alcoholic will suck the very life out of you. If he's doing a bottle of whiskey a night then the reason he's not obviously hungover in the morning is because he's not sober enough to get a hangover.

Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse and worse and worse until either the alcoholic stops drinking or they die. Yes, he might still have a job right now but as his drink problem worsens then sooner or later he'll lose it because it will get noticed.

I'd really recommend you go along to a few Al-Anon meetings. They will be able to help you tear your attention off of him and, instead, to put it onto you and what you need from life.

I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic and, trust me, kicking my ex out was the most life-changing thing I ever did. I'm happier and our children are happier. A life without the drunken arguments, the drunken threats and abuse, the drunken chaos and drama... It took me a few months to just get used to the peace and calm. It's lovely.

debts were bad £25k - and I am deeply ashamed about this. He has bought around £15K of premium bonds over the last year, but I have the certificates here - suppose he could have cashed them in without me knowing but I cannot believe he would be that deceitful.

We talked endlessly about the future - we both have good pensions and talked long about retirement, what we can do etc...

I just dont know what to do anymore and the "not knowing" where he is or what he is doing is the worst - hense the drafted text

Hi MG. i feel really sorry for you. My ex went totally off the rails a couple of years ago, it was awful. Be strong, you obviously have a lot going for you and need to take control. Money gives you more choices so get yourself an account (even a PO account will do) and get your salary paid directly to you so you have money for you and your family - after all you dont know what he is up to. when my ex left I took control of all our money apart from his salary and moved it out of his reach. He was livid but it meant he couldnt spend it behind our back whilst we agreed a split. It is perfectly reasonable to tell him you expect him to come and discuss things like and adult and then do some thinking about what you want - do you want him back or want him gone?? and you might start looking for a good solicitor as I am guessing you might need one soon. Take care