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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Midlife crisis

219 replies

moviegirl · 19/03/2010 17:29

only just joined this site today so be gentle with me! Am 41 year old mum to a wonderful eitht year old boy. Married for 10+ years.
Last Sunday my husband, following another major drinking session said he didnt love or trust me anymore, hated his job, life everything. Am devastated. Nobody is perfect and neither am I. Got into debt a few years ago and he had to bail me out. Had a breakdown. But he forgive me and helped me re-build my life. I got a fantastic (and highly paid) new job a year ago and everthing was going well or so I thought. He now says he hasnt forgiven me for the debt and never will

He has swanned off for a buisness meeting and is intending to stay away until Monday night "to sort himslef and his life out" Meanwhile I am left here to put on a brave face to son and my elderly paretns.
Have gone from loving him to hating him and back. Havent eaten for days nor slept.

Feel like such a failure and bad wife.

Not coping well at all, any advice for me?
My hubby is 47. thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 11:09

one minute I want him back another gone. But the longer he is away then the more I am turning to wanting him gone.

just dont know what to do- except scream. It is soooooo difficult carrying on - with my parents in other room and son upstairs playing and here I am sitting in the living room having my 10th coffee, Dynasty on tv (five hour sunday omnibus - heaven) breaking down inside. Need to start to clean but just dont have the will - but it is the only thing that keeps me going.

OP posts:
Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 11:10

Have decided one thing though - am getting rid of all the booze today and turning what was the drinks and glasses case in the living room into a bookcase again.

OP posts:
Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 11:20

you know it is sad there are so many unhappy women in this world.

OP posts:
MsMerlot · 21/03/2010 11:42

Drinkig that much I doubt he would be able to cover his tracks if there is OW. It could be his own insecurities, you earning more and him unhappy at work, you could even regret not being able to be a good dad. Men like to feel needed - he sees you taking care of everything.....bringing the money in; child; parents; housework. He has no 'role'.
Chatting online to an old flame could be him trying to turn the clock back, not to be with her but just to remind himself of all those hopes and dreams you have for the future - accepting they are not reality and hitting your 40s = crisis!
Ignore whoever called you a dog and ugly - you are a wonderful, caring person and deserve far better. You have more than made up for the past debt.
Your bank statement will show where the money was withdrawn if you still want to find out where he has been.
Time to work out what you want - put yourself first for a change.
Good luck and take care.

Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 11:46

He has had the last three weekends away as he was "catching up with old friends" in Whitby - supposedly. This weekend (Thursday to Monday night) is to think!!

He withdrew the cash from our home town - not stupid enough to use his card.

A bank statent came on Thursday just before he left but he shredded it.

Do you think I should send ultimatum text?

OP posts:
MsMerlot · 21/03/2010 12:03

I don't think a text is how I would want to have that kind of discussion - I would want to look him in the eyes. I can apprciate you just need answers and want them NOW.
Do you love him still? Do you want him in your life the way he is - you can't count on him changing whatever he says. If not, it's time you took control - make some decisons and you will feel a lot better.

Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 12:09

the longer it goes on without me being able to make contact the less I want him in my life

My DS wouldnt miss him an iota as he not only doenst love his dad but doenst like him. Very sad and awful thing to say. Have agonised for years over his lack of fatherly involvement, he says he doenst know how to play with him or talk without snapping - puts it down to being one of six and his parents never being around as they both worked. That doesnt wash with me - i am an only child and both my parents worked so I saw more of my grandparents - didnt stop me being a good mother and the one thing I know is that i am a good mother - my son adores me and worships the ground I walk on.

As for him not having a "role" well poor thing. He would rather play on his PS3 all day whilst i run around doing everything. Everynow and then he begrudginly does something but it is that - begrudgingly.

I really just dont know what to do for best. I do know though that if i send the text then it will be either the beginning or the end of our relationship. Pressing send it a hard thing to do as I know it will make him mad.

OP posts:
MsMerlot · 21/03/2010 12:18

I was in no way making excuses for him with the 'role' thing. To be honest I hve been in almost the same situation, with 3 kids I stuck with it for years and only left when they were grown up. Wish I had been strong enough to do it years ago - didn't say so sooner because I don't want to suggest which way you go, only you can do that.
Not eating or sleeping you must be completely drained, maybe not the best state to make such a massive decision?

Lolabelle · 21/03/2010 12:22

He shreded the bank statement and won't let you log on anymore??? SERIOUSLY?! Alarm bells aren't just ringing they are friggin' going apeshit here - whether you work through this or not you need to be in control of your own money, you are not a naughty child that is being punished becauise you can't be trusted you ran up debts like a llot of people have done and you should learn from your own mistakes and by the sounds of it you have. If you do one thing get that bank account opened tomorrow morning friost thing and get yoru salary paid into it, funy feeling he might contact you as soon as he realises what you've done somehow!

I would lay money on the bank account statement being able to explain a hell of a lot to be honest...

Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 12:22

I realise that - house will never be so clean by the end of the weekend!!!

Feel nauseous all the time so cannot possibly eat - did try but just no apetite. Am a size 16 so wont will away.

Have asthma and it is playing up at the moment too, but that could just be all the dust I've stirred up!!!
Sometimes feel like this is a weight on my chest - probably just anxiety.

Maybe we should make decisions when emotional as we wouldnt have courage at any other time... I just dont know

but me not being "permitted" to contact him is unreasonable and cruel

wouldnt you have thought he would have at least rang and said hi to his son!!!

unbelieveable.

He could be decorating a new flat for all I know!!!

OP posts:
Lolabelle · 21/03/2010 12:23

Oops my typing seems to have gone a bit wrong - pls excuse bad spelling!

Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 12:27

no problem lolabelle

my wrists are aching from all the typing and texts will have RSI by tomorrow.

will send text soon and see what response is

will have to tell parents at some point i know - probably when DC is tucked up in bed

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MsMerlot · 21/03/2010 12:36

Sounds like you really need to look after yourself, stress and asthma have to be linked.
Great advice on getting that bank account opened tomorrow - you know you can take control of your finances.
Not the end of he world if the housework is not done, you are far more important.
He is unbelieveable and will never change, you, on the other hand, can have a great future without him!

MsMerlot · 21/03/2010 12:49

Telling my elderly sick parents was the hardest thing, I shouldn't have worried, they were great. Chances are yours will not be impressed with how their daughter is being treated and will be very supportive.
Be strong.

Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 12:53

they cant stand him anymore and would probably throw a party!!!

But they would worry about me and DC and the house etc....

OP posts:
MsMerlot · 21/03/2010 12:58

Once you get that bank account opened get yourself some free legal advice - most solicitors will give you 30 mins for free, book an appointment. You need to hear it from them but you and DC can't be forced out of your home. If you want him out that's not so easy but if he has got OW he will go anyway - then you can put his PS3 on Ebay lol.

Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 13:00

along with XBox and Armani suit

thanks to everyone here - you have all been fantastic

going to be favourite site from now on - wished i had found it sooner.

Getting nowt done mind you - is so addictive

OP posts:
Doha · 21/03/2010 13:09

Moviegirl l have been lurking on this thread for a while now relutant to post.
However here is my pennies worth,

Your DH has been away for the last few weekends with friends and finding himself-NOT- probably finding himself with OW or a bottle probably both.

He has your salary in his name only account and allows you spending money. Eh hello l don't dont think so. You, l have no doubt, learned your lesson with your previous debt and wont go down that way again.

your DH has no relationship with his son coz "he dosen't know how to" No he is a selfish prat who just cant't be bothered putting the effort into any relationshipo with you or your DH.

Be strong living with the uncertainty is bad for your health and don't think those around you ( your DS and DP's) and oblivious to it.

You deserve so much better

If my DH had told me not to text him or refused to answer my texts that would be it--locks would be changes and bags packed.

I don't believe for a minute your parents would be surprised. They are close enough to witness his twatish behaviour and would probably be relieved if you did kick himout. There is nothing worse than seeing your own DC being hurt and made a fool of.

Time to get your self respect back and take control of the situation. Sent the text if you want to with a clear deadline. No show and out he goes...

MsMerlot · 21/03/2010 13:10

My first day on here too - know what you mean! Good to see it's made you smile.
Really got to go now but will check in again later and see how you are doing.

Take care

Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 13:12

thanks for your words of wisdom.

Am going to give him an hour or so to respond and then if no show will speak to parents and then start the packing.

Poor lamb it might take him a while to read the text you know, all those long words!!!

OP posts:
Doha · 21/03/2010 13:21

That's my girl I see a bit of backbone merging.

Keep us posted....

Doha · 21/03/2010 13:22

oops l mean Emerging lol

thesunshinesbrightly · 21/03/2010 13:22

Good for you moviegirl

sorry, i am just lurking around on your thread as i have no word's of wisdom for you, but wishing you and your Ds all the luck in the world.

Original poster
moviegirl · 21/03/2010 13:28

have just poured eight bottles of his beloved alcolhol down the sink - have recycled the bottles of course!!

Made me feel soooo good.

Have kept a bottle of wine for me (might need it ) and the Bollinger champagne - may have reason for celebrating

the worm has turned!!

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justaphasejustaphase · 21/03/2010 13:30

just wanted to say you seem to getter stronger as the thread grows,

Good luck and take care