Midlife crisis

[moviegirl]

only just joined this site today so be gentle with me! Am 41 year old mum to a wonderful eitht year old boy. Married for 10+ years.
Last Sunday my husband, following another major drinking session said he didnt love or trust me anymore, hated his job, life everything. Am devastated. Nobody is perfect and neither am I. Got into debt a few years ago and he had to bail me out. Had a breakdown. But he forgive me and helped me re-build my life. I got a fantastic (and highly paid) new job a year ago and everthing was going well or so I thought. He now says he hasnt forgiven me for the debt and never will

He has swanned off for a buisness meeting and is intending to stay away until Monday night "to sort himslef and his life out" Meanwhile I am left here to put on a brave face to son and my elderly paretns.
Have gone from loving him to hating him and back. Havent eaten for days nor slept.

Feel like such a failure and bad wife.

Not coping well at all, any advice for me?
My hubby is 47. thanks

So he won't let you have your own bank account

He won't let you log into the joint one

he gives you 'pocket money' despite you earning more than him

He shreds the bank statement

=

Something fishy going on! There is something he doesn't want you to see. Whether that is the fact that you have a huge overdraft, or he is spending it all on alcohol, or he is spending it on another woman...there IS something!

PLEASE listen to the others & get an account of your own!

Opps, just reread & saw you have own account...that's good.

Still can't help thinking he is hiding something!

Good morning everyone

just woken up, put some washing in and settling down for my 5 hour fix of the Dynasty omnibus on tv !

Advice please

how do you cope if you are splittling up but DH is still in house? and refuses to move out until he has somewhere to go?

House is my parents so I dont think he can have much cliam to it - but he said yesterday that we would have to live under same roof - until he found somewhere. He also had the cheek to suggest that I helped him look as he presumed I would want to know where DC would be staying !! I said I couldnt care less - he was an adult and surely sensible enough to find a decent place without my interference. ~And he claims I am controlling him - he cannot even find a place without my say so - like I give a shit - really is it just me?

I booked my exH into a B&B to get him out - he was there for about 6 weeks until his flat exchanged and completed. He was an alcoholic BTW.

Well done for opening that bank a/c, small steps and all that.

I had a similar problem and he stayed far too long.

It's not your job to help him at all - equally, I think you need to find a way to get him out quickly as it will be MUCH better for you and DS.

He has just returned from his "gaming" night at which apparently he had a terrible time, poor soul.

havent touched his ironing but all mine and DC done and away - hurrah!!

Told him about the sex thing and as i thought he couldnt remember a thing!! says it all really. He is truly sorry for that and he does look disgusted with himself.

Still doesnt know what he wants though..... and they say women take a long time to make up their minds

up stairs (with laptop) for a nap.

He sounds as if he is in a true mid life crisis. Its all nothing to do with you - you didnt cause it, you cant control it, you cant cure it.

Youve got to look after yourself, DS and your parents.

I think your parents will know it is all happening. TBH I think you should be leaning on your parents rather than DS(this isnt criticim but just advice from someone whos been there with a Mid Life Crisis H)

Have you any more distant relatives who would support you. get on Skype and keep in close touch with them -this will make you feel a lot better.

Have you seen a lawyer. You can get half an hour free and it helps you feel more in control if you know what your true options are.

Its horrible dealing with a man in such crisis who blames you for so much. It isnt your fault -he just cant deal with the s*it insuide him and is taking it out on you. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME AT ALL!

You would feel a lot better if he could leave I think -sorry. Dealing with him will exhaust you.

Keep eating -some healthy things if you can. Also try to do some kind nice things for you -and DS. Take care of you!

thanks mumfun - sorry i didnt come on here last night but was watching tv with DH and it didnt seem right to suddenly up sticks with laptop and disapper.

just dont know what to do or think anymore.

he talked a lot yesterday about moving out and money and never mentioned us or love. i do still love him (think so anyway) but as you have said all of this is wearing me out. nothing i said yesterday helped - it was all twisted around - surely i cannot be that bad.

i was ironing when he came in and he said "please dont do my ironing - i will do it" - so for the sake of peace and harmony i said ok and left his. thought it best rather than doing it and causing a row -hated leaving it though - like to get it all away

Anyway three hours later and he is standing ironing muttering on at me that he couldnt believe i hadnt done his ironing - so he would have to get used to doing it as he woudlnt be living with us for much longer. Said i would always do ironing - even though he had explicitly said not to -

Is this me? I cannot do right for doing wrong can I ? Maybe it is me? Maybe I am this wierd controlling woman he talks about and i am just blind to it.

we didnt talk at all last night, or this morning. he's away to work and i have booked today off to get caught up with post holiday housework - garden and sheds today me thinks as it is nice.

I have just sent him an email at his work. I told him that he neednt rush to find somewhere to live but that we need to start talking and not just about money - he seems obsessed that he cannot afford somewhere to live - but as i have said that is no reason to stay. Forget DC the only reason to stay is if he loves ME. Period. He has replied saying he doesnt know (for gods sake) and that he thought he could get over my betrayl and deciet over the money but it is eating away at him., just dont know today. One minute i think i want him to stay the next - shred his beloved armani suit!

he has also talked about getting a job transfer to another part of the country to get some space. But i am not sure about that - i see it as running away from problems and dont know how we could resolve things if he did that.

gee I wish Dynasty were on today!

No, my love. No ... this: "Is this me? I cannot do right for doing wrong can I ? Maybe it is me? Maybe I am this wierd controlling woman he talks about" is actually the result of abuse. I'm sorry. It also means what he's doing is deliberate (even if he doesn't seem to think so.)

You might want to look at this page on Gaslighting and this one.

Get him out before you lose your mind.

Good lord! I would have lamped him with the fecking iron! Seriously - he needs to go.

He is using the past as a stick to beat you with - he knows that you feel bad about this - as a distraction from the fact that he most likely up to no good.

He sounds positively unpleasant, if not dangerous. You were doing so well. Someone can give much better advice than me on how to proceed, but you have to put a stop to this now.

thanks for that - both of the above

just back inside - have been clearing out shed with parents - 12 bags of rubbish for skip - very theraputic.

I am glad you all think it aint me - was beginning to wonder.

he still doesnt know if he loves me or what he wants to do. I am in two minds - the thought of him gone doenst feel me with dread, I have too much good in my life for that but the thought of him with someone else? Maybe that is why I have just backed off and said nothing last night and this morning. I think he needs professional help but of course he wouldnt dream of seeing someone. Just dont know. For the sake of DC i would like him to stay but under no circumstances will I put up with any more verbal abuse (cos actully that is what he is doing - I think anyway)

Got all direct debits changed to my account now and my salary goes into in from this month so that is positive.

If he does go first thing I get is a kitten. Our beloved cat died last year (she was 15) and he wouldnt allow another one in the house. Swap kitten for husband sounds like a good deal to me

You'd like him to stay for DC's sake? That'll be the little boy who doesn't like his own father? Please would you explain how that works?

Btw (other thread) - bottle of whisky A NIGHT is way too much! Alcohol-wise, it's more than 3 bottles of wine.

I wish you'd get a kitten instead of this emotional black hole of a husband. DS might prefer that, too.

get a kitten.

You want him to stay for dc - but you dont want him to stay for dc (the only reason you want him to stay is for you).
Be true to yourself now and dont have him back for dc - have him back because YOU WANT him - no other reason.

Why are you allowing him to treat you like this ?
You are not being fair to yourself your DC or your parents.

This man doesn't want you but he wants you to want him. He wants to call the shots and control you.

Give everyone a break and get him out the house maybe then you can see how much better off you are without him.

you are being played for a fool and l would bet he is loving causing you all this stress.

he sounds a truely awful man and midlife crisis of not you would be best shot of him.

Separating doesnt have to mean the end for you if he sorted himself out.

I do think you would feel better if he moved out. Whether he had counselling to address his issues etc is another matter. He would have to, to help him change.

I suspect he has serious issues from his own family upbringing. He has never dealt with them so theyve come out now. And there seems an extra layer of nastiness.

just back from tea and a little shopping with DC. Hubby was supposed to meet us for soemthing to eat but got delayed in traffic and by the time he arrived we had already eaten (he told us to go on and order - so we did)

he still doesnt know what he wants to do

and i know what you are all saying. i think DC would be devastated at the thought of a "divorce" but not at loosing him. Its the word he is afraid of. Still just dont know how i feel at all. got all finaces sorted out today. My salary goes into my bank accoutn and all household debits come out of it as well.

he still has 24 months of the loan he took out to clear my debts and is now talking about me getting a loan to pay this off - i do feel totally responsible for the debt but this seems a bit cold. Cant help the feeling i am missing something here, just dont know.

am very confused at the moment.

How's it going Moviegirl? Have you taken any affirmative action yet?

DH moved out last night. I simply couldnt stand it any more.

At the start of the week he talked about finding a flat with one breath and then are we still going to our friends wedding the next!! Wedding???? For gods sake, our marriage is falling apart and he wants us to have a nice family outing to a wedding - i couldnt be so hypocritical.

anyway yesterday he had a "poorly tum" so went home early from work. I then heard that my DC was off to a friends for tea so finished early myself to sort things out for once and for all.

He wasnt at all happy. Furious I wanst giving him time to "think" (he's had over a month now -how long did he need" and kept laying guilt trips on me - how would he manage financially, will have to get used to taking DC to McD's like all other single dads but I let it all go over my head. Wouldnt bite back. I asked him outright - did he still love me - after all that was the only reason to stay - he said not. I said fine then take as long as you need to find somewhere but at least i know where I stand. An hour later he was saying that he didnt know what his feelings were so there was I totally confused, heart breaking but absolutely sick to death of it all. He wanted me to make the decision for him to leave but I wouldnt do that - told him he had to decide for himself or else he would say i was "controlling"him. I had said early in the week that I thought a break from each other would be best. Anyway after 5 hours of misery he packed a couple of bags and left. He really didnt want to go and looked dreadful but then i dont exactly look like a supermodel at the moment either - have lost 2 stone in a month though

Feel drained, exhaused, sad........... Went into work today but finished at lunchtime (benefits of being the boss and sooooo very organised ) It is his birthday on Sunday so he is coming back to get present from DC and see him etc...
He has somewhere to stay although it is quite a way away - he is looking for somewhere closer. He emailed me today to say how sorry he was about it all but that in hindsight him moving out was totally the right thing to do and that i was right for not allowing the situation to continue as it was. Maybe this is the wakeup he needed. I think he really did want to leave just didnt have the guts to admit it and that its over. Didnt mind him no longer loving me, awful but I will get over it but the constand twoing and froing was cruel.

sorry for long post, lots to get off my chest and havent been on for a while.

You've been really brave you know. Glad you didn't tell him to go - I think it had to be his decision. Now use the space to look after yourself, and really think about what you want - not what he wants - what you want.
The worse is over! Hugs.

thanks saffy

Having a friend over soon for coffee and a moan.

DC just anounced he would like an Indian Takeaway for tea - bless him

Its beautiful here and the weekend looks good so out with DC for most of tomorrow - sod the housework!!

thanks to absolutely everyone on here - you have all been totally inspiring

Love you all

Oh, you have been brave and you must be shattered. I bet you also feel relieved though. Well done on requiring him to be more honest about things - and on sorting out some good company!

Have a sunny, stress-free weekend
xx

at least the weather is starting to improve, will make sure i take full advantage of it

Hi Movie, sounds like you have done exactly the right thing.

Don't think it could have carried on as it was.

Now you will have some space to think and to live your life without the tension of waiting and worrying.

Whatever happens longer term this time apart will be good for you

HI MOviegirl- haven't all of the thread but if you can keep control and dignity you will emerge stronger. Actually there are signs that he is a weak man and I bet that he will be trying to get back with you within a year but you would have probably moved on by then. best wishes