Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

TRM Thank you so much,
Everyone here is so lovely

sniffling ,howling into cushion<

If not for this thread I would have gone to his unfinished building plot house caravan dump and BEGGED him to come and rescue me with added "I'm sorry and worthless" type statements plus similar txts.

The first thing that springs to mind is the friend he insulted! If it's a package/resort holiday, ring the company and see what childcare options they can offer. Turkey's incredibly child-friendly.

Good for you, on all the above, PM. You will be fine. Better than fine ..!

He revealed too much of his true colours that time.It was a couple of weeks ago and he told her to mind her own business and check her own personality for defects before accusing him of being irresponsible.He of course was being irresponsible and she had appropriately pointed this out to him .He swore and shouted and she felt his manner was so unexpected and over the top that she was scared and feared bumping into him and what he wd do.
Entirely understandable.
She fears what might happen if she keeps in touch with me and he's back on the scene again.
I know the whole thing has been widely discussed locally.

I feel as if people pity me but see me as a victim,and probably think he'll be back because of the baby.

I have apologised profusely and expressed outrage and let her know that I don't want him back.I don't know what else I can do right now.

Just stay in touch, I guess. Your actions will speak loudly enough for you

I'm so glad you found a Doula!

Hey, if all goes well between you, maybe she'd be up for a working holiday ... ? Just a thought.

xxx for you

Thanks Grace!
xxx

Don't worry about Turkey for now...though I think you should tell yourself that you are going to go and start a list (mobile and charger, camera, napisan, plug adapter, perfume, flip flops, small baboon etc). You may go, you may not. One thing's for sure hopefully...he aint coming.

Love the idea of pushing baby out on the kitchen floor. How very chic. Honestly!

Is the baby a boy or girl? Did you mention earlier that it's a girl? Names please. Friend of mine has just had a little boy and called him Wren. I think that's a fab name -for a girl or a boy.

Fgs do not go round to his building plot to do anything other than lob a brick at him. And definitely don't do that. Stay at home, eat chocolate, sniffle a lot, keep posting and know that you are the roaring mother lioness and he is a cruel twanker you are best rid of as a 'partner.'

Don't forget to put hairbrush, razor and Milton sachets on your Turkey list.

Thanks UA. You know.
I'm discarded at last, so it seems. Feel a bit, dunno really?
Drowning my self in gin at the moment. Slante.

trm at least you know now how these warped lot behave. Being discarded is what you needed iykwim. You were never going to go back after all as there is nothing to be salvaged from these car-crashes.

You will continue to go through the highs and lows. You can easily be knocked back many steps by something someone says or something he does.

I was a nervous wreck for a good year. I am not out of the woods and it has been nearly two years now. But it does get better. Time, seeing your dcs grow and change, time, a new pair of trousers, time, a holiday somewhere with no memories of the relationship attached, time, making a new friend, just time and ordinary life events all help get it in perspective and help you grow and put the building blocks of your true self back together. And in the right order!

They are ghastly individuals. Hope with all your heart that he moves on to his next victim fast, playing the doleful, hurt, loving new puppy dog until the mask slips again and another car crash happens.

Peasoup, it is a great idea, two mums moving in together, and one that I thought about briefly, but unfortunately, in Ireland at least, you lose your lone parent benefit if you live under the same roof. Which is crazy really, because you would need a bigger house, and have more bills and so on. More people need more money. The support and the babysitting would be great.

TRM, I'm delighted for you that you've been discarded by somebody so awful. It's not as though you've been discarded by somebody who SAW your worth. Or maybe, he saw your worth but it was more satisfying to destroy you than to cherish you.

I think UA and I have an easy time of it, relatively of course!, NOW that our respective xn's our OUT of our lives.. The more discarded you are, the more freedom you have.

UA I agree with you that the first year is so full of ups and downs. Just because you are feeling low right now TRM, it doesn't mean that you will be paralysed and unable to enjoy your freedom. Obviously it was a gradual process and I couldn't really put my finger on it, but it took about 18 months - 2 years to be content and strong. But TRM, you will get there, and maybe quicker.

He 'karmal' says (on rc) that he has met somebody new, so let's hope that he sinks his fangs into her and starts draining her instead...

PM well done for finding a doula. You will never go back to your x. In time your friend will realise that and will not be afraid to be your friend. It's great that you have a friend who'll stand up to him, even though she is right to be cautious. Get him out of your life. Keep your good friend, and you will eventually show those villagers that you're not a victim but a survivor.

UA - Thanks,you are fab
TRM - It's weird and creepy how being discarded is so painful when it is by far the best thing they cd do.I can't stop checking my mob. for txts and feel gutted each time.He used to tx constantly.I am SAYING and MEANING that I will not have him back,I KNOW I will have a far more enriching holiday in Turkey without the anxiety and the monkey tricks.But there is a little inner part of me ,holding out and hoping that this is all a misunderstanding and that he is not really "like that".That in a few weeks,things will come right and he will appear;sorted,resolved,insightful.manfully strong and sorry and ready to do whatever it takes not to lose his family.
I have NO EVIDENCE that he Can or Wants to do this - at least for a sustained period.And TONS of evidence that he CAN EASILY APPEAR to be exactly what I think I need/want/wish for.But only for a random time.
I am even as I type hearing an inversion of something I read online in a survivors forum last night about how partners of N's "settle for good enough",telling ourselves that all relationships are flawed and weighing up and accepting the short term gains from these short "nice - fantastic(?)times"...Well I'm saying (at this minute) surely it wd be worth having him around for another year - to keep my mother away while I get through the early newborn bit,to do man-jobs while I can't,to come on holiday - because ,for sure,if I got him home just about a week before we fly,we wd all get the "honeymoon man" phase for the whole duration,no question.Why not?Life is short -(I am telling myself,uselessly) -there are REAL problems being faced all over the world,real suffering.So I'd have to pit up with crap at some point,well at least I wont be so desperately sad,alone,abandoned and pathetic (I DONT need a man to feel ok -of course he's my Soulmate,it's understandable to feel like this ,it proves we're destined...blablablabla....
I KNOW that is all self sabotage,brainwash-induced,magical thinking.
I know the only way is to wait for time to pass and keep strong and keep away.
I KNOW i KNOW iKNOW
But...I want my new little girls' Daddy to be gazing adoringly at her and me.I want that "outside appearance" to take on holiday,so that we seem to fit and I can believe what other people think they see.I never had anything close to this before.I don't know what the real version is like or if it really exists.I wont have a chance to find it now.I have to be all and everything to 5 dc's and protect them from crap .They want him home and beg me to sort it.
I know that they are the reason I MUST NOT go back.The circle of torment.
Sorry to drip like a tap.
Magaly you are right,thank you.
My x will have a struggle finding another victim.He is 58 now and needs a new hip so cant finish building his house and lives in a small caravan.His grown up dc's have disowned him due to the way he has treated me.
I expect that means he will be back eventually.
I dread that.
But..etc etc etc

I don't mean BE BACK. I mean try to come back.Using charm.Probably just when I am breast feeding new baby girl and weeping hormonally ,as dc's shout,fight and strop around me,in a house of chaos.
To which I will be wise and ignore.Of course .Easy.

My h was nice to me this afternoon.

Then I realised why. My ds had a friend round.

Hmmm.

PM, you need to rustle up support. Of course you're still thinking "if only ... " and "Maybe ... " and the rest of it. Of course you are. You've been brainwashed, sweetie.

You've been subjected to years of mental torture, using the oldest tricks in the book. Those tricks work; that's why oppresors the world over use them. (You're a psychologist, aren't you? You know this stuff!) You can no more swan back into the real world than the guys from Guantanamo. Like them, you need to create a safe space where you can 'be' for some considerable time. And you need support. Ring Womens Aid, honestly, it's not a sign of weakness or anything. It's just phoning a volunteer who has been where you are, and knows hundreds of women who made it through like she did.

What's this crap going on with your work? Obviously they can't do anything while you're pregnant - does that mean there's a fiasco on hold until you return? Is there some possibility your STBX may have undermined you without your knowledge?

How about the furniture thing, too? I can't quite see how you'd take care of a million kids, hold on to a professional position and restore furnishings, but I'm just about ready to believe you are superhuman!! Is this something you'd consider as an alternative to your profession?

Your remark about "fitting" on holiday made me cackle loudly. I'm an incurable traveller, have done some amazing things: but, for all my travelling, I have only ever "fit" once. That was in Spain, a couple of years ago, when I took seven of my nieces & nephews for a walk. Wow, the approval! I could hear the Spanish mommas, poppas, aunties & uncles bellowing approval to one another! Of course, they thought I couldn't understand, heh: "How many? Seven, I thought five? No, it's seven, there are twins! So blond, so pretty, so well behaved. How old d'you think she is? No, she must be older than that, so many childre ..." etc.
Mate, I loved it

Turkey will love you all the more, for NOT being hemmed in by an obstreperous husband! I guarantee it.

Hold fast, you're worth it.
(Shit, why does everything sound like a hair care commercial?!)

PM, the devil you know is not better than the life you will have without him.

Every day with him out of your space is a day further in the direction of your real and good life.

Thanks Grace - I will ring them tonight.The midwife came this pm and says the baby is engaged and I am starting to dilate.It is a huge baby and they want to induce next Wed if not come by then.
Dc's away now for most of holidays - just in and out a couple of days next week.
I'm SOOo close to sending x a tx.But have resisted so far.What stops me is having had no communication from him since last fri.I dread what I wd do if he turned up or txtd in "nice" mode,which will happen eventually.I can't imagine being able to resist.

There is a pile of crap waiting to hit me when I go back to work.Only today I had to see occ health,who will now advise they leave it for a year after baby before re-setting a date for the hearing.It has been building up for 5 yrs- long long story.I am being scapegoated and they are trying to sack me.They may well succeed.
X not behind it ,but certainly stirred and sabotaged my preferred approach a few years back.Ultimately,I have a fab legal who believes we can fight and that I am being victimised.She has written a great paper for me to work from ,but it is all taking up loads of energy and there is loads more to do.I cd well lose my income and have a huge mortgage.Major stress.

The furniture was his solution to the income prob.To start it off now and build up.To make money and give me hope and focus.We had a great time together ,creatively.It was a positive - I thought.I'm really disappointed about it.
I'd love to change tack and leave the whole work shit -but wldnt everyone...
Can't afford to take a year off.Thinking I may remortgage again but if lose job...
That's why it feels like I'd be better just to re-negotiate with him and sort somthing out.
MA - I know I and dc's wd be better off away and that as G says,I need to experience time and safety to get to the point of feeling that.
I just don't know how to restructure my life with 4 dc's+baby with no income.Tiny house ,big mortgage,already very frugal lifestyle day to day.Not bothered about status and material goods.
Probably good to shake up and change but feels too big to think about.

Hmm, yes, I can see you might not want to think about too much while you're in the throes of dropping Giant Daughter

Hope all goes well, PM. Lean on your doula - that's what she's there for! No calling on emotionally disengaged madmen necessary.

You can do it! Lots of love

The furniture thing was also going to bind you to him financially, though, while he at the same time pressured you into burning your boats with your steady, independent income..

PM, 5 DCs here too, tiny income.. familiar story. It's huge to think about, so take one day at a time don't let it all land on you in a heap or try to take it all on at once. Above all, don't worry about things that are out of your hands right now, with the baby's arrival imminent. Let the solicitor worry about work for the moment. Put it on the long finger until you're settled with the baby. Forget about trying to get back into the furniture business with your ex that's just a financial parallel universe that would have tied you to to him.

You might well be able to sell your house and get somewhere else, even to rent, and that would be a lot of stress gone? Again, no time now to waste energy contemplating the big financial picture.

For now, the baby and getting through the next few weeks independent of the ex are Job #1 for you.

Thanks G!
MA -"financial parallel universe" excellent,and wd def have been a bind.
I didn't realise you had 5 too.That's reassuring .and thanks for the sound advice,it's so grounding.
I just spoke to a friend on the phone who was strongly encouraging me to phone x for support,saying how,although she knows what he's been like,she also knows what he's been through and how much he adores me and the kids.
I actually defended my position and explained exactly why it wd be the worse thing I cd do!
I'm so proud
I actually believed it myself as I was saying it!

Oh well done PM! There will be people who just don't get it, about how impossible it is to deal reasonably with a N, and some may see your refusal to let him back into your life as unseemly hardness of heart, especially with the baby, and him living off in a caravan, and all of you needing help. But keep on resisting as if your life depended on it. Don't be afraid to ask your friends for any support you think you need, and ask them to respect your decision about your ex. Look them straight in the eye and tell them gently that if there was any other way, you would have done it, but there was no other way, things were that bad. Don't mention NPD, just that things were bad.

It wd be terrible to have him back at this vulnerable time when I really miss him and a on my own with just his unborn ,then newborn.The fake idyll he wd create wd leave me so set up to crash at the first problem and bloody hell at least after 4 I am under no illusions about the amount of settling down we've all got to do once the initial few days wear off....
The last thing I need is a big noisy attention seeking scary man,realising how little time any one has for him.....
That's what I'm focussing on.
It was my friend empathising with him that did it.
My reasons for missing him are about ME and the dc's - his included.
How cd I forget - he is all about HIM!

Whooo! Well done you!

Just a quick reminder, PM: in your earlier post you said: "feels like I'd be better just to re-negotiate with him". Negotiate? I so hope you aren't clinging too tightly to the complete fallacy that negotiation is possible with a self-obsessed, cocklodging control fiend. (Any negotiation consists of: "You beg" -> "I concede. A bit. And am nice with it, coz that makes it easier for me" -> "You act grateful. Yay me!" -> "I put you in your place. You beg")

I can't speak with Math's authority, as I don't have five kids. I did, however, fall for that crap to the extent of handing over all my worldly assets, plus profit, to no fewer than two such assholes.
I know how it feels

But you should listen to Math!

And have a good birth

I'm having a meltdown. Been crying since lunchtime today where I spent an hour on my bed being handed tissues and given hugs by my 6yo ds. Haven't eaten, don't think I'll sleep either.

It's like the numbness of several years has finally worn off and 'feelings' have rushed back to hit me like a sledge hammer. I've never cried so much. I'm in so much pain right now I can't tell you.

Ex came to collect ds today. Dressed to kill. He said I was looking well, make up suited me etc. I wanted to hold him and say I was sorry, that I loved him and wanted him to come back.

I don't understand what's happening. I don't feel angry anymore. The anger was holding me up for so long. Now I'm just sitting here crying. Can't stop crying.

TRM {{{xxxxxx}}}