Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

Hi SB, glad to hear you're ok and that the arse is out from under your roof.

No, he won't have changed. Enjoy the smooth episodes while they last, but do not trust him for one moment. It's all part of the mind games. Even with the idea of getting the kids a puppy, that sounds nice but is setting you up to be the bad guy to your own children as you have to say no. Believe your instincts.

Thanks, Annie,

Something is very odd though ...

It's generally a case of a pendulum swinging, sad to say, SB. But glad you're not under the same roof any more.

Annie is right about the puppy and what it represents.

Trust your instincts. Change the locks if you can, or add a bolt if not. Keep as close an eye on the money as you can. Do you have a solicitor?

That creepy calm never lasts. If you want to freak him out and set him off balance, try an air of indifference whenever you're in contact. Just cheerful and calm and a bit distracted....

Thought I'd bump this, as it's been mentioned lately.

Hi all, I was reading some stuff and I did not realise that there are various different types of narcassists, not sure if this has been discussed in the past or not!

I was looking at this one in particular regading my ex, it is still bothering me that is there something wrong with my personality do I have a disorder? Has anyone else found they have, as why were we attracted to a narc in the first place...???

The Compensatory Personality
? Seeks to create an illusion of superiority and to build up an image of high self-worth.
? Strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack of a feeling of self-worth.
? May "acquire a deprecatory attitude in which the achievements of others are ridiculed and degraded".
? Has persistent aspirations for glory and status.
? Has a tendency to exaggerate and boast.
? Is sensitive to how others react to him, watches and listens carefully for critical judgment, and feels slighted by disapproval.
? "Is prone to feel shamed and humiliated and especially (anxious) and vulnerable to the judgments of others".
? Covers up a sense of inadequacy and deficiency with pseudo-arrogance and pseudo-grandiosity.
? Has a tendency to periodic hypochondria.
? Alternates between feelings of emptiness and deadness and states of excitement and excess energy.
? Entertains fantasies of greatness, constantly striving for perfection, genius, or stardom
? Has a history of searching for an idealized partner and has an intense need for affirmation and confirmation in relationships
? Frequently entertains a wishful, exaggerated and unrealistic concept of himself, which he can't possibly measure up to.
? Produces (too quickly) work not up to the level of his abilities because of an overwhelmingly strong need for the immediate gratification of success.
? Is touchy, quick to take offence at the slightest provocation, continually anticipating attack and danger, reacting with anger and fantasies of revenge when he feels himself frustrated in his need for constant admiration.
? Is self-conscious, due to a dependence on approval from others.
? Suffers regularly from repetitive oscillations of self-esteem.
? Seeks to undo feelings of inadequacy by forcing everyone's attention and admiration upon himself.
? May react with self-contempt and depression to the lack of fulfillment of his grandiose expectations

mh, I think we have all questioned whether we, ourselves, have a Personality Disorder. Some of us may do, who knows? One thing's for sure: those years living "through the looking glass" warped our perceptions and caused us to become very doubtful of ourselves. When the person you love keeps telling you black is white, and you didn't hear/feel/see what you did, your mind becomes confused. This can get so bad, in fact, that you begin to display symptoms of somebody with a Personality Disorder.

It wears off as you work through it

If you like, there's a little online test here. I did it last week, and scored 17 against a 'normal' average of 16. A year ago, I scored 23.

The 'red mist' seems to be descending regarding H.

Mathanxiety - I have put a bolt on the door, we have a yale lock, but 'normal' lock which I lock & leave the key in & have a chain. Thanks for advice re 'air of indifference' I have made myself as boring as possible.

LOTS of issues going on however.

I don't know if I'm seeing things - have a very very pale second line on a cheap HPT (just done test) I didn't know when to expect AF after mc, but thought it was taking a long time, hence the test. I don't feel pregnant, I'm REALLY shocked - there is a shadow of a line (not evap as within 10mins).

How shall I put this? since mc I haven't consented to sex with H, but there was a time when I woke up & he was 'trying' to have sex with me, maybe that wasn't the only time.

Maybe I'm just going mad...

I've just started my new life - college course (tonight). Have to get my head together & leave in half an hour (!?)

It really does look like a line.

Well done on the college course, SB, and on the lock! Good advice about being boring (er, not at college!!)

I had 'indeterminate' pg test results after my miscarriages. Something to do with luteinising hormone still being produced in dribs & drabs. Even the hospital tests came back neither-nor
Not what you need to hear right now; clear facts would be a lot more helpful, sorry. It's probably best not to worry about that now, though, as you have more immediate stuff to be getting along with.

You're doing great. Try to stay steady, and good luck

Thanks Grace - a voice of calm. (have read your posts, hope you are OK).

Hope it's residual hormones as the alternative is something I couldn't contemplate at the moment.

The boys are doing really well even with their exams & all that's happening (very proud of them), I actually love having a messy house - full of boy stuff in the hall, kitchen on the stairs etc (never happened before - all kept in their rooms previously). But now, life is more relaxed & normal (for them - not for me).

Silver boots, how did college go?

Grace, thanks for your posts x did the test go 12, will try it again in a few months and see lol x

College was good, thanks mh, how are things with you?

I am glad to hear that Silverboots x

I am good thanks today x

I wonder if anyone is around to bounce this off with?

I was thinking of ex and his remarriage, and him not asking the children and him taking us to court over her, and not having contact with the children over her, and his lies etc...

I was wondering if he has been setting up his now wife to emotionally batter as he did me...

I wonder if the thing was he never was that interested in the children, he wanted to have a reason to not see them, and that in her standing up for her rights and him backing her it was all about him script to have a reason to emotionally hurt her for the duration of that relationship... hope I am making sense here... I wonder if now they are married that he can use the court case and the fact his children were not at the wedding as a way to have her in emotional control and to have his way over things, as the guilt trip on her would be immence...

I heard someone once say that a narc needs to bounce a ball against you until they get someone else to do it to, and I wonder if he is now bouncing a ball against her regarding the children and his financial problems and mental health problems, as he had money, kids no courts, no psychiatrist and counselling when he was with me, that was all with her, I wonder if she is going to in the long term take the blame for everything and he is setting her up to control now as he did me when we were married, he seems to have lost interest in me lately, I thought itw as due to me standing up for myself and not taking his crap, maybe it is as he has someone else to throw balls at instead, maybe he keeps letting her have this wedding to make her feel guilty, like he gave her the court case and the kids thing, and he has spent a fortune on her etc, maybe she is going to be the reason he got ill and the reason he has no money and no children in his script to people in the future!

I would be 100% certain he is setting her up in this way.
She will certainly not live happily ever after.She will absolutely have to b to blame for everything ,once the idealisation phase is over.
And you are right,she will likley also be blamed for his relationship with your children and ,as you say,all the other things he has now lost.
He will certainly not be looking into himself for the reasons....!!

hi pm!

I read in one court document that she thought they would stay married for ever, I wonder how long she will take the grief for or how long before he leaves, I think they are trying for a baby and having problems he told me she had a m/c not sure if that was made up though and that they were trying in Jan, still no sign of a pregnancy, I do wonder if std's are a factor in the m/c and fertility problems as they are often a contributory factor in such things, pid etc!

No, I can't imagine him taking any responsibility for anything!

How sad to have script to live with someone and marry them etc, so that you can blame them for all of lives problems, he must be a woman hater! how sad not to enjoy himself, I enjoyed myself a lot of the time when with him and I am sure she is too, I suppose it is the thing you are enjoying time at first with yourself as you are having a relationship with yourself with them to begin with, as it is the thing of them putting on a show until the real them comes to the fore bit by bit!

Hi MH

I have not had a single contact - no news at all -from or about my xp since the beginning of May.
The solicitors letter was sent the day after he last showed up,informing him that I wanted no further contact with him and would seek a Harassment Order should he attempt any contact.

This is a relief,but also unnerving as I am unable to fathom what he may do next.

It could be that he has gone for good,but I can't believe he would miss out on "owning and controlling" his dd.

She is not really able to give him anything yet.Maybe he will wait until she is older before starting a fight for her.

I'm sure he will want a fight.I am sure he hates me and reports me as a mad bitch who kicked him out and refuses him access as part of my catalogue of "abuse" against him

But I don't know and it's really unsettling.
And,sadly,it still hurts.It proves he really is a bad sad fuck up.

< you are having a relationship with yourself to begin with >
That's brilliant, mh!

D'you know, people used to ask me why I was with XH, and I used to say "we're alike in a lot of ways". They'd say "Really? I can't see it ...

the big conn Grace lol x

I kind of feel sorry for the narc's really, what a sad life for them! a half life a bit like voldermort!

Fathers Day stuff in shops stirred my thoughts about baby's Dad. She is 10wks now.

He has not been in contact.
I know that is good for me.

I stay focussed on coming out of the fog by reading all I can about NPD and lurking on MN.
Don't post much.Think my perspective is too narrow and self obsessed.

Still can't "switch off" feelings about xp.The bastard.

I just rang his Auntie.Never have before.Wrote her number down from his mobile one day, without his knowledge.He took me and DC's to visit for tea many times, to play his Happy Family number.

I was friendly,chatty.So was she.Initially.

She asked about baby.I told her how sad I was that xp hadn't seen her since she was a week old.

I didn't ask questions,and was light,chatty and positive,Saying I just wondered if she'd heard from him and I didn't have anyone else to ask.

She said she had asked him not to bring any more of his women to meet her,as she did not want to get drawn into any more scenes.He was asked not to come round with the new woman......

...why did that shock and upset me????? or even surprise me????......

His dd and family have recently relocated from 200 miles away,to a house nearby. He has been helping with the move and doing renovations.....

DD very upset at MY treatment of her father!!!!
All her family shocked at my refusal to let him have contact with baby!!!!

Why can't I move on and leave him be,as he is trying to rebuild his life now....???.....

His DD is worried I will harass her..!!!!

She said ..

..Why did I fantasise about weddings all the time when he was only trying to be kind and help me with my children???,he never intended to give me the impression that he wanted any sort of romance with me....he made that clear,and I just wore him out in the end...!!!!!!!!

Accidents happen - why am I so keen to keep having babies with men who don't want to be with me and never did?...!!!!!

They feel sorry for me.
He is such a gentle ,kind man,always trying to rescue people.He'd do anything for his child and is heartbroken,but is fearful of what will happen if he gives me "false hope".
So he will give me some space to get over him before he starts to make contact with baby via solicitor.....
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She asked me to leave him and his family in peace.

!!!!!!!

I know I asked for it by phoning.

I know this is what they do.

But it still hurts and is so unfair.It makes my head spin.

What will they all be like if /when he has contact with baby dd?
What can I do about this utter distortion if he/they want dd to be part of it????

Sounds like they're all as barking as he is. If you can manage to avoid the whole tribe, do so, him included. Otherwise, whatever you did with your other children that has helped them to grow up sensible and clear-sighted, do that with littlest DD too, and hopefully your influence will prevail.

Love that "only being kind", that explains why he fathered a child with you eh? Oh of course, you hit him over the head and dragged him off to bed. Naughty PM!

Dear me, PM. You are so well out of that lot.

I sympathise with the horrid, bottom-dredging work you are doing to free yourself. It's taken me around 2 years (after discovering PDs) to get the beginnings of a working handle on it. Your experiences have been so much worse than mine, I do feel for you.

Can you not get yourself a psychologist? I realise it's extra difficult due to your job situation, but is there some way round that - going to a different town, pehaps? Mumsnet has moved me along really fast, but I suspect I would have gained less from it without subtle, experienced guidance.

You do incredibly well, you know. Please remind yourself of this! Give yourself lots of strokes. Here's one from me, too x

hello PM Have a hug from me too. It's like being in a horror film isn't it?

Please try to stay away from them, don't hurt yourself any more. You simply deserve so much better than this. Try and fill your life up with people, other mum's anyone really that isn't anything to do with them.

I would echo what grace has said. I do think that a professional hand to hold would be a very good thing right now.

Have another hug.xx

Thanks Annie,Grace and Thisis,

I won't be seeing any of them.Our paths don't cross for any reason and he,and they are living in an area that I don't have any reason to visit.

I wont contact him or any of them.

I brought that on myself today by phoning.I guess I hoped to be told he was pining and grieving for us...

I KNOW all about this stuff...I've been re reading the 1st NPD thread again... I do fully accept that he is broken and it was all a lie...it's just so difficult to reframe the past.
I hate him now.I do put negative images and memories quickly into my mind whenever I feel nostalgic and sad for the fake good times.

I'm totally with all the posters urging women to get rid and run on other threads.
I want to see myself as a strong,sensible woman who would never be at risk of getting involved with an abusive shit of a man.

I will get there.
Re professional help...it would be lovely.But it is so hard to find anyone around here.And I really have no money until I return to work..I want to stay off for the whole year,until March,but that will mean no pay for the last 6 months,so savings and a loan will cover essentials only...

It is like being in a horror film,thisis. MN seems to be the most validating place for me.
However sympathetic and kind anyone is,in RL, they just see it as a "normal" break up.Not the weird,inside out reality challenging scary stuff that goes with npd "relationships".

I feel like I traded 3 years of my life just for the chance to play at pretend love and family life.I actually believed I had got lucky at last and found what I had been looking for.

Now,I know I didn't have it at all.I may have other relationships in the far distant future,but I will never have what I thought I had with him.Because there is no such thing.

I am seeing people whenever I can,and I don't talk about it all much if ever.The children will keep me going.

Thanks for the hugs!

I'm so keen to share one of my recent discoveries! It's only a little one, but significant for me. I was discussing favourite TV series with my Golden Sis - the one with the most dysfunctional family. The ones she'll never miss an episode from are: Lost, True Blood and Shameless. (Yes, I know Lost's finished, but it hadn't then.)

It struck me that her choices reflect:
Never understanding what the hell's going on, except that you can't trust anything or anybody;
Knowing that most of the people around you are blood-sucking monsters underneath, including the nice people;
A life of unbounded implusivity, and never mind the consequences.

I used to enjoy Shameless, at the start of my 'process'. I can't stand it now.
My can't-miss series include Flash Forward (deceased): Jumping back & forth in time, trying to amend the eventual outcome;
Coronation Street: Ordinary people getting on with life, despite frequent eruptions of mind-blowing abnormality.

Think I've just discovered TV soaps as a diagnostic tool!!!

PM -