Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

barinwash Dontcha love a sticky keyboard?!

trm are you still up lovely? You could call me. I will cat my number if you are up to it.

Friday nights are shit shit. But it will be sat in a minute.Can you say why you are crying? Articulate it I mean?

'The last thing I need is a big noisy attention seeking scary man,realising how little time any one has for him.....' PM, you are so right -- that is exactly what you would have on your hands. I have been there and done that and they don't get better with practice. The mother-baby relationship pushes every one of their buttons.

TRM -- just hugs. Do you have anything nice and warm to wrap yourself up in, like a woolly blanket, just to feel warm and comforted? xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Any chance of your mum going over?

TRM - how DARE he swan up "dressed to kill" and condescend to tell you that "make-up suits you"!

After years and years of spending money on himself - his clothes and lifestyle, that should have been supporting you and your children.

And years of not "letting" you look nice in case you ran off with someone else.

Don't forget, you've archived your experiences here. We all know the truth now, and so do you. Please don't forget what he's done to you and your children.

You are allowed a wobble you know!

TRM - crying is ok. Sometimes it's better out than in. Bless your ds, what a sweetie.

Stockholm syndrome, innit, where you need comfort but the only person you can turn to is your captor. Ns read the book on it and use it to keep you in your place. That's why they isolate you from friends and family.

No, I'm not on RC, as a matter of fact I tried googling it but couldn't find it.

TRM - I am so sorry
I wish I cd help
I feel so much the same.I have cried and howled all night and fallen in and out of short shallow sleep where I have dreamed of x holding me and everything being ok.

The holiday makes it worse

I know x will present in that dressed to kill way sometime soon.

I know everyone here is right
But I find it so hard to hang on to when it feels like this

And in RL everyone - dc's,parents,friends,bloody neighbours,are either begging or gently suggesting I should be building bridges with him - now - quick -before baby comes.

I have tried to set up support.I am paying the Doula and have the midwives for the actual birth.But I am alone for the next 2 and half weeks.Dc's away.I have phoned friends but everyone has family plans and tries to convince me that I wd be better putting up with him for the sake of the support and "he adores you all".
The inside story then gets minimised and rationalised as stress and understandable under the circumstances.Even the phone call to my friend has been explained away -although she is still distant.
I think it's hard for others to imagine themselves alone in my situation and it helps them to think of x "sorting" us.Or something.

when I kicked my 2nd H out I was ostracised by the tiny,insular community we lived in to the extent that we moved here to start again.My parents wouldnt speak to me for a year (a relief I have to say) and my brothers and sister in law still don't.The little school the dc's went to could barely contain their disgust ,and that was the start of my troubles at work.
How dare I choose to make myself a single mother of 4 when he was sleeping in the car and wandering the village,unshaven in tears and telling anyone who'd listen how hurt he was and would do any thing if only I'd talk to him etc.
He ruined me financially.I still have to pay him maintainance.
He was a passive aggressive,witheld porn addict.
But actually easy to kick out and get over ,as I'd had nothing good from him for years.
DC's were elated.
I met xp when back on my feet,strong and raring to go - but still the bad woman on the ducking stool locally.Looking back,I think that is the element x exploited to isolate me further as I lost the little support I'D had.
I did survive that,to move here and start again with x.
Now it feels like it's happening again.

My "negotiation" plan,in my head - so glad you've forced me to confront this here -goes like this...
He stays put in his caravan,building and finishing the house and NO further negotiation on shared ANYTHING until house finished.Meanwhile,he only spends a night with me when my 4 dc's are away.To see baby,I go out to meet him somewhere away from dc's.In time,possibly,he can come out for walk,day trip lunch with all dc's and me and baby.
If he can do that for,say 2 years,he may progress on.
If he can't do it,or tries to adapt my offer,he has to have formal contact plan with baby that does not involve me.

Please,tear that to the pieces it deserves as in my secret inside mind- the one that is hoping to see him dressed to kill on the doorstep - it actually seem a good plan.....

Whoa, wait - would you remind us again, point by point, why he isn't living in the house with you at the moment? What he has to take two years proving he doesn't do any more?

My question exactly, Annie

Mad Boss, who caused me a complete physical & mental breakdown, got away with it for over 20 years. Normal people simply cannot comprehend - because normal people upweight the "good" and excuse the bad. This is what abnormal people feed off. One day, after I'd gone semi-permanently sick, my team mate rang me at home ... Mad Boss had done it to him. "I thought it was just you," he said, "But now I see what you've been putting up with!" This was after he'd sat next to me, for six years, observing what Mad Boss did to me. It just didn't compute until he, himself, became a target.

In that respect, PM, you are alone - well, not entirely of course; we understand! But there's little hope of converting the majority. This does NOT make you wrong in any way - your experience & knowledge are, simply, beyond the comprehension of normal people. Very much like soldiers coming back from Bosnia, who told others they "went into a basement full of dead people" but nobody could really appreciate the shock & horror of what that basement taught them.

In case you were wondering: My replacement filed a complaint against Mad Boss and I supported her (not the first of such complaints by any means, but the first that was corroborated.) He was fired. I was punished. It's not a happy ending - he walked away with a massive pay package; I'm still on benefits. It is, however, a good illustration of how far beyond the pale of "normal" these people are: so far beyond, they have no frame of reference in which to understand what you're telling them.

All you can do, really, is make soothing noises to those who urge you to act as though he comes from the same universe. And, of course, appreciate the few - like your friend - who've had a glimpse of "what lies beneath".

You're not wrong, though PM. He really is like that. They're not wrong, either - but they're blissfully ignorant. Nothing you can do about that.

Make yourself a multi-chocolate layer cake for Easter! And eat it

Hi TRM,
A proverb that has helped me proceed forward is
"Even a worm will turn."

Meaning that even a lowly worm will rise up and try to defend itself if harassed enough.

It is hard letting go of the past: habits, brainwased into us...the endless loop channel in our brains replaying this crap over and over and over and over. Change the channel, and change something tangible in your environment-curtains, houseplants, placemats, leave the dishes in the sink , something to prove it to your brain that change is within reach.

"That was then, this is now." Try to live in the present and look for the future, even if it is just next week or month.

PM-Good luck to you. Enjoy this time of giving birth to your new baby. Embrace the joy and love and happiness that newborns bring. Totally block x out as any contact with him will obliterate the love/joy/happiness of the newborn that you have the right to have. Coach yourself to stay in the positive. Your children will have this very important life lesson. It is temporary; the other dc will be able to understand, adapt and be happy all at the same time.

I think the howling crying spells are an indication that your brains are healing: they have found it safe to give true emotion/thought liberty. It may be a release of all the frustration (whatever the source-anger, hurt, disrespect, victimization...) from all that time. Let it flow through you and out of you: more weight will be lifted from your soul.

I'll be away for a few days, but know that I'm think of all of you and hoping the best for all of you.
{{{huggy hug hugs}}}

Sorry you're feeling low today TRM. No harm in having a cry every now and then though. Do you know, at first, I found all the belt-tightening and major life changes quite exhilarating in a weird way, and ... worthy even. It made me feel virtuous to be suffering a bit.

And then about a year and a bit in, I thought God Damn it, this isn't role play this is my life, and it's going to continue to be my life.

I hope you're not really missing him. Holidays are tough I find. Everybody starts saying things like 'i can't wait 'til it's just me and dave and the kids off on holiday". Barf! although it slides off me now! It used to upset me more.

Hope you feel better later. Stay away from the gin!! I was watching episodes of house with a strong g&t and I was crying!

PineMartina, two words for you -- Women's Aid.
Please don't spend this time on your own with no-one to call when you feel low and anxious. They will understand what you're going through.

And legal, negotiated visitation, with no 2 years thing. A foot in the door is half the battle won for these people. Think of yourself as a city under siege. The battering ram is the baby and your loneliness.

PM, you sound really well organised. Maybe you don't need family around you right this very second if they are going to pressurise you into taking him back. They don't know him! They don't know your relationship. You do.

Let the Doula look after you.

x

I can't empphasise enough the value of Womens Aid.

I had a really shit day...I think on wednesday. Really struggling with the enormity of the way my life has been controlled and ruined by these nutjobs for ever.

They listened to me sobbing and asking why. And then they explained why, and how. And were kind and gentle, and told me I was amazing for saving my children by being a pattern breaker.

And at the end of the call I was no longer shaking and crying and feeling sick. There had been no incident particularly, and I had felt silly for ringing, but I had no need to. She was wonderful.

I saw my nurse prac too. She has organised some help for my babies.

Ask for help...it is there, we need every scrap of help we can get.

PM, I hope all goes well with the arrival of your precious girl....remember, what you are doing now will mean she, and our other dc's won't ever have to learn that it is normal to be treated the way you have been, and never have to feel the way you do now..

Thank you thank you,thank you all of you.You are wonderful.This place is priceless and holding me together.

I just did a 60 mile round trip with my big girls to eat tapas and look in the shops.They go tomorrow,I sorted with their Dad to keep them an extra day.
Then we ate a whole box of all gold and played ska music really loud on the way back.

Now they are taking the dogs out and we have a dvd to watch later -still haven't washed up from breakfast!!!

Naughty,delicious

While we were out I had a tx from x,a return of a loving message I sent ages ago.I didn't respond.

I got another saying "all my dreams have gone up in smoke - I love you ...[etc.]I know we can never overcome all the problems because you think they are mine whereas I have tried so hard to help you and look where it's left me"[!!!!]
I replied "I'll save that and read it to yr daughter when she's older" - [I know I shouldn't engage..]

He replied that he knew I 'd had the baby without telling him [! no,haven't!] and went on to say how sad ,lonely and hurt HE is,how I have destroyed HIS life and his friends ,family can't get over the depths of MY depravity...reams and reams of self-pitying drivel - NO MENTION of baby ,me or dc's....

I didn't reply.That was 5 hrs ago.

So he thinks I 'm sitting here on my own with a newborn and that's his idea of an appropriate message ??????

Danger passed - for now.
What a total wanker

I feel stronger.I will ring Womens Aid tomorrow if/when the lonliness kicks in.

Thanks for the advice on my plan.The OBVIOUS part I overlooked is the simplest, AGYG, why bother really given that I'm in this situation in the first place...........

I've been up since half 5 this morning, took kids and friend to flicks and Micky D's.
I sat all morning with cold tea bags on my eyes followed by dousing them in a pint of optrex. Then I sent a message to ex canceling his propossed access to dc tonight - I can't face seeing him. Also had to turn down mil's invitation to dinner on Sunday as there is a risk of seeing him there.

My thoughts however have been quite inciteful. I've figured out that shock and anger have been keeping me going since the split. Now that, and the numbness of several years, is wearing off and I've been hit by a rush of 'feelings'. Hence the bawling.

Another thing that occurred to me today was the patterns that went on during my marriage. When ex was really mad with me and cut me off, that was my cue to start running after him. He says he is 'over me' and has moved on now, so all of a sudden I'm feeling this urge to run after him to stop it. It's conditioning or brainwashing or something. Anyway, it's certainly a recognisable pattern that's been going on for many years and I find I really have to fight this almost hypnotic urge to follow it. I need to rewire my brain.

Someone has sent me some details of a good counselling service near me. I'm hoping they can see me sooner then the one my GP has refered me to as I'm beginning to consider myself a bit of an emergency case. Spent last night sobbing down the phone to my mum so you were spared UA, but thank you, I really mean that. And for the written stuff over there - I read it when I need to smirk

They forget that our dreams of a happy family life and a loving normal supportive relationship went up in smoke FIRST. Their dreams mattered, not ours.

Ours were unreasonable fantasies, borne out of reading 'too many magazines' (a common insult from my x whenever I stood up for myself). But basically we we were all wrong to expect a man who respected us and who was a good kind companion. They are all totally right to be outraged that we couldn't put up with it indefinitely.

So, cue outraged, martyred attention-seeking texts. SO glad that stage is behind me. I got a new phone though. My x doesn't even know my mobile phone number now. He knows the house number but I never answer that. (Bit socially dysfunctional that I know!)

TRM, I'm going to jump on to the 145 bus in to town tomorrow morning, not too early mind you!, and go to the little kids park inside st stephen's green. If you have nothing else on, do you fancy meting up!? I'll bring a flask of coffee...

Just a thought, don't worry if you can't face it tomorrow. We'll meet up in rl at some point I hope.

PS, The Children's Benefit has gone in by the way, early because of Easter. Does that cheer you up a tiny bit?

PM, well done for holding out, and I actually think the texts he sent will make you stronger in your resolve. He is living in cuckoo cloud land, obviously, where his thoughts are the only real things. Women's Aid are there for you.

TRM, you're so right about the patterns, and it's hard to break free, but you're doing the right thing to avoid him and stand up for yourself and only deal with whatever you think you can deal with.

Hats off to both of you. xxxxxxx

MA - "his thoughts are the only real things"

That makes sense.It really clicks as being him.I will hold onto that,thanks.

TRM -XXX-Thinking of you

TRM i doubt he has someone new tbh, just his way of manipulating you, and it aint working anymore . at least i hope he dosent, his poetry alone would kill her off

Ha ha Moany!You mean you wouldn't rush out to buy a copy of his 'art' if it were to be printed? He has more, you know!

I happen to think the "someone kind has helped me out" comment actually means "I told some poor bint a sob story about my abusive wife and how I'd never be able to shag another woman". Her (brainless) cue to step up to the challenge and a one night drunken stand results.
How do I know this?
He has far too much free time to want to see the dc atm. Anything other then a quickie with an inferior-brain on a Saturday night would have resulted in him disappearing to his new love nest, hastily making plans to move in with her and start a new family. The dc wouldn't see him for dust....

Magaly I will try for St. Stephen's Green tomorrow. If I make it, I'll be the one in the dark sunglasses carrying a bottle of optrex...

Interestingly, I bumped into ex's brother and his wife in the flicks today. They made no comment about my blood-shot eyes... They also thanked me for the Easter eggs for their dc. I didn't buy them any (so, so broke) but ex obviously dropped some in to them. They presumed they were from me too, and yet they know we are seperated. I have never spoken to my in laws about how ex and I seperated, ie, the safety order and court appearences. I have never given 'my side' of events. I'm now thinkng that my ex has said nothing to them either. I'm tempted to ask my mil. None of his family have shunned me and I'm beginning to think they know nothing at all.

PM I think you are amazing. I don't know that I could have been so strong in your position as I too was without any family around me here in Dublin. That's why I am finding it so tough to shake off the last 18 years - I was more brainwashed then I realise.
My Mum is pushing for me to return back to the UK. I am thinking hard about it but don't want to make any decisions while I'm feeling in such a fragile state of mind. I surely can't be any more impoverished then I am now. It's hard to know what to do for the best.

I'll text you when I'm on the bus TRM, but don't worry if it doesn't appeal tomorrow morning, because going on the bus in to dublin is hugely exciting for my kids. unless it's lashing again, it'll be something to do.

I left my x in july 07. He still hadn't told his boss April 08. I don't miss not having to buy presents for my x's family. Only have to buy presents for nice people now.

ABBA -- so you've been warned, but this is an interesting song.

math, that song brought tears to my eyes. laugh or cry? that's how i felt so often. eg, when he came in at midnight to dismantle the bed with electric drill.

i just mean I 'welled up' slightly.