Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

I'm going to try a new tactic with my twat. In front of others I'm going to be sweet as pie, instead of losing it. Recently he said something horrible in front of his cousins and I told him I'd stab him through the heart. They all told him he shouldn't wind me up but in a jokey way as if I was mad. People don't realise there's a build up of remarks and disrespect. I am mad anyway. But from now on I'm going to be that meek, weak, pathetic little woman that he always wanted, as a test. So then I'll know no matter what I do he'll bully me. I need to see that now

TRM - I don't know if you can search for posters' names on the other forum or namechange but have you considered the latest message is still your ex under a new name?

Let that possibility into your head, but then disregard it all and remember how well you're doing.

Even if it's a known poster making the comment, don't worry. There are always people on these types of forum who love to swim against the tide. Given the slightest imaginary provocation they will say 'I always thought it was a bit funny' even though they never said anything of the sort before.

Ignore ignore

I'm glad you exposed yourself, because if you hadn't you'd be in a far worse place than you are now. It's hard that first year. Full of ups and downs. Has he posted again on the other thread? So he's convinced some random internet sprite that he's the wronged party!? Well, even if he has convinced one fool to feel sorry for him, you still don't have to go back to him. There are a lot of very thick people on rollercoaster! I love it of course, but sometimes I do think, did I read that right?!

You didn't get it wrong. You know you didn't. He made you miserable and twisted every word you said and gave it a meaning that you hadn't intended. He re-wrote your history and gave everything you did a sinister interpretation.

I don't suppose that this helps even a tiny bit but maybe eventually you will feel relaxed about him thinking you're the bad guy. I know it's hard to believe but I no longer care that my x thinks I destroyed his life and that it is 'criminal what I did to those kids'. Honestly, his opinion of you and his interpretation of events won't always matter so much. You've come so far in 9 short months but it's only 9 months.

Maggie
x

ah........, I see. THat poster. Generally lacking in compassion. People have to do things her way or they're lazy/thick/wrong. The Nail bomb i think of her privately to myself.. Her motto in this instance might well be "Never let not having read the first 703 posts prevent you from having an opinon". I sound a bitch, but honestly, she's clueless. Please don't let it get to you.

You're a far saner and nicer person than that poster!! She is strong but hard iykwim. YOu are strong with empathy and compassion. You don't need her approval!

Magaly you made me laugh, thankyou!

It is more illuminating to me (more then anything else) as to how unstable I became because I read somebody saying they 'suspected' my motivations and sincerity on that bloody thread.
You know, I wrote that original post very late one night. I was on my couch/bed having been screamed at and called names by my ex and I just didn't care anymore who knew the truth. I spilled the gory details about myself in order to - I don't know - stop it being his secret weapon against me maybe? Perhaps I thought that if I exposed my evil self on the intenet I would be berated by all and sundry and that would finish me off. I mean, I'd no longer try to fight for my sense of self, I could succumb to a life of subsevience and accept being called all the names he chose for me and no longer feel I had to defend myself. I was on the verge of giving up the fight I suppose.

It says a lot about where I am, in terms of believing in myself again, that one person can say 'Oh your poor h - I don't blame him for doing what he did to you' to put me right back where I was last Summer.

I cried when I read your post about looking at your childhood picture Maths. Perhaps it is because I know I will cry if I look at my own picture pre ex. I'd be crying for the girl that was just starting out in life. Who was young and bubbly and had friends and a social life. Who went to night classes to learn Arabic, just because she was interested! She travelled and read books, went to the theatre and discussed things. She had interests and a quest for learning, was accepted onto a masters course at Kings College.
How did she turn into this snivelling wreck who is sobbing over a glass of wine and intimidated by the uninformed opinion of an annonymous intenet loud mouth?
If I was my 22 year old self I'd say 'Get a life!'. But I think I got the wrong one by a cruel twist of fate.

Oh I didn't mean to make you cry, TRM. :0

It's been a year for you since you did that amazingly courageous thing on RC. Just a year. And some thicko with nothing better to do one day than suck up to random men on the internet, posts a simpering, silly 'come on' to your ex (essentially) because she sees herself as the next Florence Nightingale or whatever -- it took no effort, no thought, no reflection on her part to do that. She's an attention seeker, a Hello Boys gal. Have faith in the ability of the vast majority to see her true colours too. Really, there are a lot of women in Ireland who can identify with you, TRM. It's the land of "Himself" and "The Irish Mammy", after all.

In another year, when your ex is still complaining about how you ruined his life, people will just scratch their heads and wonder why a grown man is still trying to flog a dead horse.

Unless you are lying to us and none of those things ever really happened, no, it really isn't you. No decent person would treat another that way however much they "deserved" it. For example, whatever he may deny about your or his own behaviours, you really did have to claim benefits while living under a rich man's roof so that you could all eat. You have documentary evidence of it, you can't doubt your memory, it did happen and it is WRONG. You have support from official agencies confirming it is wrong; you don't have to trust the inside of your own head. There is evidence, there are witnesses. This behaviour is not acceptable. It doesn't matter if you were the biggest bitch on the planet and shagged everything that moved; no decent person would have revenged themselves on you the way he did. If you spent all the money he gave you on drink and drugs and pulling gear then it was fair enough to do the shopping himself instead of trusting you with money. But he didn't do the shopping, you did, and you didn't have drink or drugs or snazzy clothes, did you? Those things physically were not there. Presumably these undeniable facts were not presented to the sympathetic poster?

And in the end, whether you really are the biggest bitch/whore on the face of etc, if you were not happy living with him then you do not have to. Whether you are happy or not is a matter of your own perception; you do not have to prove or justify it to anyone else, no-one has the right to deny how you feel because they do not feel it, YOU do. It is your life and you do not wish to spend it with him. If he were a decent person he might be devastated (at losing the... horrible woman who ruined his... ok...), but he would have to let you go. Feelings don't happen because you have a "right" to feel them. But sometimes you do have a right, all the same. You really were living a ghastly life with a man who treated you in ways that no human being should treat another. Anyone who is in possession of all the facts yet still thinks he had a right to treat you like that, regardless of anything you might have been/done, is just peculiar.

Thank God you got out. Don't doubt yourself now. Your example can help others (hopefully there are not too many) still living in nightmare situations. They too can find their strength and get out. It starts with believing they really are worth more than this.

Annie's right. Another way to think about your experiences is to watch them as if they were on TV - imagine Homer Simpson phoning downstairs to order Marge to bring him up his second breakfast. Even Homer wouldn't do that! Imagine him calling her nasty names. You would realize how abnormal it is to see it in this context, even though your ex spend years making you believe it was normal.

I do know what this self-doubt is like, and my relationship was considerably shorter than yours, so I had less brainwashing to contend with. That's what you're doing, slowly and painfully breaking out of the indoctrination. You're someone escaping a cult, even if it's just a cult of one (and no wonder he's fighting against losing his only cult member!)

The girl with the thirst for knowledge and experience is still there. She's just waiting till it's safe to emerge.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_hiPPhKxh4

I have just been on to womens aid again.

The way he is battering me emotionally with emails and texts, and using the kids disgusts me.

He brought dd back on Tuesday, and started immediately..Mummy's a bully etc. I made him leave immediately. I said there is now zero tolerance for his abuse, especially in front of the kids.

Poor ds is angry again. Angry that he has been so utterly rejected.

H accused me of disabling his email, of intercepting his mail and of being a liar.

He accused me last night of alienating dd by not getting me to ring him last night. OI asked her and she said she didn't want to. Nothing to stop him ringing her though is there?

Womens aid are brilliant, she pointed out that he was still trying to control my thinking, and undermine my reality. I still, like you TRM, wonder whether it is actually me.

I think I'm beginning to comeout of shock, and realose the absolute horror that this kind of psychological abuse really is.

That's the right word, isn't it, Saddest

Hence why so many suspense-horror movies are based around manipulations that happen just at the edge of normality ... constantly-shifting realities, leaving the characters unable to trust themselves or anything around them. It's an utterly despicable thing to do to other people (including children!) but the 'baddie' has no interest in ordinary values.

I'm so glad you rang a counsellor

Saddest, well done for ordering him out and naming his abuse.

Does WA have anything for the children, or any referrals they could suggest?

UA, this song came into my head when I saw your fabulous link. To a certain extent 1:44 to 1:51 is a message to all of us. The atomic energy bits we can ignore...

Thank you. It is the hardest thing to go through. So many conflicting emotions. Grief on so many levels, and that undercurrent of utter disbelief.

I can read, and talk and post as much as there are hours in the day. I can intelectually "get" what happened. But emotionally I can't believe what has happened to me.

I have had a shit day. He's coming to see dd again tomorrow. Deep breath.

I am going to see the nurse prac to see if there is anything I can sort for the kids. I can see the damage happening before my eyes a,d I am frantic to stop it....Like birds, when a cat gets their eggs, or babies.

Saddest, is there any way you could restrict him to a visit every weekend or every fortnight? That is standard for a lot of fathers. This thorn in your side is coming around way too much.

I don't want to do anything to imflame what I intinctively feel is quite a dangerous situation. I've been through all those custody cases before. It would make things even harder for me and my babies.

Despite him having moved out....he still thinks that I am him, this much is obvious in his texts and emails. The more I break away, the more unstable he will become, and then who knows?

Now he's back up and running work wise, with any luck his shitty tribute show in Benidorm will come off and he can fuck off there for the summer.

If I can get help for the kids, and give them coping strategies, he will get less "supply" and hopefully tire of the whole thing.

I don't necessarily want to avoid conflict just to avoid conflict. I am standing up to him, evem though I am a jibbering wreck afterwards. But if I can extracate my children gently, I will.

I am reminded of Muriels mother in Muriels Wedding. My sister in law IS her! How long would it have been till I became her too.

NO NO NO!

Annie you are an absolute star for writing that post earlier. I've been on very shaky ground recently and consequently let things get out of perspective. Your post was a slap of common sense and reason all rolled into one. Some straight talking that got through to me. Thank you.

Saddest when you said this;

I can read, and talk and post as much as there are hours in the day. I can intelectually "get" what happened. But emotionally I can't believe what has happened to me.

You put into words what is happening to me right now. I think my capacity to 'feel' again is coming back having been sidelined for so long. I'm getting upset and crying by what I read and the 'self pity' streak I've been on the past few days has left me feeling the pain of my situation instead of just being able to talk about it. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I started to think back to all the times I crumbled during my marriage and was accused of being weak, not able to cope. I got really worried that he had been right all along!
Now however I think I'm just beginning to believe what happened to me emotionally. And I have to say Saddest, brace yourself, because it hits like a tonne of bricks when it catches up with you.

In a way...I rhink that that may be what happened to a degree today.

That's why I rang womens aid. It did feel like I hit something huge, and that as I said the full HORROR of what has happened to me, and my babies has started to dawn on me.

I can imagine that it will get a lot worse before it gets better.

I am working very hard to reconnect to the people who were in my life, and for twisted reasons have been disapproved of, and cut out. I have also started to tell people what he has said about them.

The more I see people's horrified reactions to just some of the stuff, is stunning to me. That I'd been so brainwashed. And I still am!

I know that I don't know the extent of what he has done to my professional life. I have a feeling that the reason a company believed that I "didn't want to do that work anymore", was because that's what he told them. I loved that job. Ironically...that was where we met.

Saddest,Therealme,- what you are describing is what I am going through too.
I am HOWLING on and off all day and night.
It feels like an unfillable void.
I am questioning ,questioning myself - was it me really,am I really the one who brought this on myself?
I KNOW as you say,what the truth is.but I can't believe,accept or FEEL it.

I am unable to accept WHY he has disappeared and not contacted me at all.Usually ,he wd text and phone continuously if I were at work or shopping or whatever.Having left and been asked by me to stay away - he has! I am about to have his baby and can barely walk.He knows no one is supporting me and the 4 dc's.

My mother is also NPD.I have worked so hard to keep my distance and manage that relationship.I now realise how instrumental he was in my defence against her,how much I must have relied/depended on him to keep her off.Suddenly,she is desperate to use me as supply again - having been virtually absent - thank God - for 4 years.My father is v ill with alzheimers.All she does is phone and wants to come over all the time - to help with the dc's and be there for the new baby.She is freaky and physically innappropriate with me - intrusive into me.I can't cope with her trying to get into me.How do I defend myself now when he is gone and I have NO other support and am barely able to cope due to advanced pg? Midwives ,GP all asking can my mother help and in she leaps to charm them all and she is a fucking retired midwife.
That is the greatest power he has - and the biggest risk to me.He must know I will be experiencing this and be deperate for him to return.

And I am.
But God help me I want to escape
If I have him back I KNOW I will be here again in a short time.
But I don't want to believe what I know.

Is Annie Troubador? I am Margot on RC now.

ps Maybe feeling the pain of your situation isn't a bad thing in the long run. It's mourning your lost years. You're not suppressing emotions if you're crying and feeling sorry for yourself.

PM, can you get a doula for support?

I think feeling the pain can only be good in the long run. Mainly because a nice blast of pure anger can often follow. It's like ripping a plaster off when you start feeling it though.

Pinemartina I want to come to your house and run you a bath, give you a foot rub, get the dcs up in the morning while you have a lie-in...cook you bacon and eggs...book a holiday.

You must know that they like inflicting torture at the worst times. He will only be thinking of himself at the same time as creating you maximum hurt.

I was nearly 7 months pregnant when exh (pooping corks etc) put me on a plane hom from our holiday in france (I say 'put' : he had not spoken to me for 3 days and I had not eaten for 3 days. I knew I had to get out and asked him to drive me to the airport. He did. In silence. This is called cruelty)

Hang on to this thought: he is a vile, ugly soul without whom you will blossom. You are scared (naturally) and are coming to some horrible realisations about this man at an impossibly difficult time.

But my lovely girl, you must stick this one out and not let him back in. You will have the baby and you will love your new child. Just as you love your other children.

Better to know late than never that life was a shadow. Now you can start having a real life.

I wish I could help more.

Tell me more about the birth celebration: who will be holding your hand? Caesarean or home-birth? Pool or tens machine in hospital? Do you have any names in mind? Have you a new pram? I have a whole load of barely used baby-stuff you can have - baby bjorn, maxi-cosi car seat with the fixed thing for the car, cherry-candy buggy system, maclaren push-chair with cosy-toes...

Fuck him.

We are all going on a road-trip to tuscany anyway. I would love another baby so I will look after yours while you leave the villa and go for a swim in the pool/slave over the barbecue.

[hug]

That's such a lovely message Unlikely (Remmber me? ) I don't know why Mums don't move in together more often; I mean how many single mums do you know who house share? Almost noone but it makes SO much sense. Having someone there to be NICE to you; someone who understands, someone who'll hold the baby while you swim, man the barbecue, have a bath, whatever.

PM, my pregnancies included;
ds 1; major row at 9 months where he watched me pack a bag and leave knowing I had nowhere to go. I spent several hours sitting and crying on a park bench till eventually crawlin back home to an empty flat.
Was in the theatre being prepared for the section when he decided he was going to come in after all.

ds 2; was told the week of his birth that I could have the baby on my own as he had had it with me.

dd; was kicked out of the house when 4 months gone. Was admitted on to a psychiatric ward 1 month later because he left me to deal with a financial problem that we both knew he could have solved in 5 minutes.

I'm not posting this like it's some kind of competition, but to show you that UA is right - they can be at their cruellest when you need thier support the most. It is cowardice in the extreme.

I had my 3 babies and got on with it, because I had to, and you will too. I was alone in a foreign country and had nobody else. Still don't. But you know what? If you can get this far with the hand that fate has dealt you then you can keep going. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - and you are strong to have been through so much and remained sane and alive. You are admirable to have remained true to yourself and your dc. You haven't begged him to come back to rescue you when you are at your most vunerable. You are a gutsy lady PM. xx

MA - I went to meet a trainee Doula on Saturday,and she will be supporting me.She is coming this Saturday to do some Rieki with me too.
UA- The Doula will be my support.Thank you for your lovely ,lovely words >> sniffling