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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

968 replies

Gettingagrip · 04/03/2010 10:41

Starting another thread for us survivors.

OP posts:
IsGraceAvailable · 18/06/2010 09:10

Reply to your post on Stately Homes, thisis:

Yeah, X#2 is a brilliant mimic as well. Also does that matching persona thing on the phone. You've just made me wonder whether his "aspie" going to sleep at parties is actually an overload caused by not knowing who to be in a group! Not that I'll ever know, hurrah.

While reading Over's thread, I relived a couple of the times X#2 raped me. Miserable experience. It's unmasked cruelty, really. I found myself wondering if he's cruel to his wife now. Suddenly realised I've been wondering this, one way or another, since we split - and that it doesn't matter. For all the times I've written, to other women, "You cannot make someone abuse you", that messsage still hadn't got through to my own mind.

If he's not cruel to her, it'll be because she is sufficiently obedient & self-delusive. If he treats her as he treated me, it'll be because she baulks at his offensive behaviour. No matter how much I ranted & screamed (rather less than he made out, I feel), I did not deserve cruelty. Nobody deserves cruelty.

That streak of blame & shame - if people are horrible to me, it's my fault - has been running through me from infancy to this day.
I'm happy to see anoher strand of it wiped out!

Mummiehunnie · 18/06/2010 09:38

grace the soaps thing, watching the reruns of dynasty, and the drama and dysfunction, looking at it form adult eyese and understanding motives etc, and not seeing peeople as black and white, always used to think of crystal and blake as white, they are game players, and alexis as black, she is the instigator and a very hurt person!

Re the ex and his aunt, and conctact etc. I can identify with that, the silence is scary!

The contact with the aunt, no doubt was to check that you did not make it up they really are that horrible, did it myself, still do from time to time to reassure myself they are as I remember!

The court thing, expect a long nasty fight, with lots of lies etc, you have my sympathy!

Right going to stop procrastinating and going to do some adult things for myself!

Mummiehunnie · 22/06/2010 11:53

Hi, well after weeks of hearing nothing from the narc ex husband (both self representing in finances court and house sale), he finally answered my email from beginning of the month regarding house sale!

The last he heard from me was the day after (I found out he had got married and I sent an email saying congratulations) and have gone quite since.

I notice his wife has blocked me on facebook, I must be viewable to all, not sure how to change it as fb changed how you control privacy now! and I have no worked out how to control that bit!

I had thought as he was married he had decided to concentrate on her now, but it seems he is looking for reasons to have contact with me again, after attempting to frustrate me by not responding, he knows I know about his marriage, and normally when things like that happen, he gets a right buzz out of causing upset, he didn't cause upset and got no buzz, the thing is I feel so relieved that he is someone else's problem and I feel so very free and happy!

Anyone know why he went quite and now wants to play again? I thought he had a wife to play with now!

IsGraceAvailable · 22/06/2010 12:44

You are a model to us all, mh More power to you!

He's probably still giving his wife the Mr. Nice treatment - and pushing her boundaries a little, to prepare her for things to come. When he realises he can't get his control fix from you any more, that's when she'll find out what he really is.

He's likely to try it on with you for a while longer. I have the feeling you're ready for that

Mummiehunnie · 22/06/2010 13:03

thanks Grace, sometimes it is easy to see things from others perspective but impossible to see the wood for the tree's for your own situation, that makes perfect sense, he is still trying to push me!

They seem to get off on scapegoating and hurting me, good luck to them, it does not work anymore, they should really just get on with their lives, why block me on fb? I suppose that makes her feel in control, I have nothing to do with her? Maybe she is making stuff up about me to him again, she is another transferer, telling him stuff that she does and blaming it on me, she should concentrate on herslef and leave me alone, the reason I check up on her from time to time on fb which is something the ta family therapist advised was good is to get an idea of stuff, if I had not I would not have been prepared for them getting married, and it would have been a big shock when it turned out not to be a bit shock after all! Can you imagine if I had not known they were making wedding preps, I had told the children to prepare them and told them he was married, they should know this kind of stuff, he does not tell them!

Surley when getting married they should be very happy and not interested in me! Why the dammed obsession with me still, they are married! It was like she used to stalk me on the internet and she cut and coloured her hair at one stage to match mine, it was when he was still in love with me when I think back to it and look at it from wiser eyes, within a year of him leaving, she must have known he was still obsessed with me, I was a joint obsession for them to destroy me, well I am not interested anymore, let them go and be happy and leave me alone, I suspect that will never happen as long as she can be angry at me and the children for him having to legally meet financial obligations!

pinemartina · 22/06/2010 15:32

Hi mh ,you are doing really well with this!

I agree with Grace,and I expect a big part of keeping her loved up and adoring,is him telling her he "has never experienced love like this before"....

He has to feed the story he tells her about how mean/nasty/mad etc you were/are.This reels her in.She really sympathises and can't imagine how you/anyone could ever have given her man/handsome prince/soulmate such a hard time when he is so kind/honourable/considerate etc...

And they are soooo perfect together.....

And he has to believe what he is telling her..or convince himself....

If he didn't,he might have to consider the similarity of where he is now ,to how things were when he met you....

So,he's checking in with his own nastiness,looking in the "end result" mirror,so that he can establish main supply from her.

Also,it is very exhausting for the poor chap maintaining whatever her "ideal man" reflection requires of him....for now....

....awww,he can only show his true colours to you....!!!!

xx

Mummiehunnie · 22/06/2010 20:26

pm, that makes perfect sense, all that exhausing work of acting all honeymoon, so as a release he tried to provoke me, sadly it is not happening, wonder if he will get someone at work to stick a needle into instead lol x He used to love having an enemy at work to attack, lets hope he finds someone else to pick on lol x

I see so he needs the adoration supply from her more and more...

I do know from what he has told court documents the rubbish he tells about me to people, and yes she sent me an email telling me how wonderful he was etc, and how she could not imagine him doing the things I have accused him of... you are so wise pm lol x

thanks for helping me work through what is going on, it is so confusing when it is your own issue, I just need to check in with the behaviour from time to time with someone else!

Mummiehunnie · 23/06/2010 21:58

Right! After going away and letting my brain process everything, I have responded "OK" to the ex regarding a legal matter, that is the shortest blandest response I could give him!

I was thinking about him waiting nearly three weeks to get back to me about an urgent matter, that has now become irrelevant, which he knows, and why on earth he responded the way he did, then I realised today he was missing his strokes!

THe last email I sent him was to say congratulations, that was it, when I found out he was married, so he has not had anything from me at all, I expect he thought I would be upset, or something and he is upset that I am not, goodness knows what goes on in his mind, the dammed wife has blocked me on fb, as they are obviously getting some sort of excitement from my reaction, and they have had none, how disappointing for them eh!

so I gave him his stroke, in as bland a way as possible! that way he will stop trying to hurt me, if he gets no strokes then he will try and hurt me more, I think that is how it works???

therealme · 30/06/2010 02:12

Hello everyone. I have just dropped by after a break from Mumsnet to give you all an update.
Roughly this time a year ago I started a thread on my home site about my miserable life with my h. I joined here shortly after and got so much help and support! I eventually separated from my h in August of last year having taken him to court and obtained a 'safety order'. This thread kept me focused and sane!

One year on and unfortunately my ex has not gone away. But that is ok! I have moved on, changed and grown stronger. I am now well established as a single parent and have built up a life of my own. I never imagined a year ago that I would! I have now gotten back my sense of self. I know who I am and I am happy with what I have become.
My wonderful children are happy and thriving and I have recently started seeing a new man. He is lovely, just so - lovely and normal! Every now and again my ex tries to sabotage my new life - he is vindictive and cruel - but he is still my ex!! I have dodged every rock and stone he has thrown at me and I am still standing!

It has taken nearly a full year; but finally I can say that I am in a happy place. Nothing specific has caused this - just time left alone to live an ordinary life free from control of another person. That is all it took for me to become myself again

To everyone who talked to me on the NPD thread - thank you! I survived, yay! And now I am living again - and life is good xxx

thisishowifeel · 30/06/2010 06:31

TRM thank you for that. I think about you often.

I am so pleased for you, and you children. You are so brave, and strong.

You so deserve this happiness. I remember just how dark some of your posts had been. I am delighted you are now in the light!

xx

Anniegetyourgun · 30/06/2010 08:54

Congrats TRM

Mummiehunnie · 30/06/2010 16:00

lovely post trm x

NicknameTaken · 30/06/2010 16:07

Congrats on your first anniversary of freedom, therealme!

Unlikelyamazonian · 03/07/2010 14:57

Well done Trm. We are survivors on here because, well , we have to be for our children. You did so well to go come through everything. I expect the year has flown by for you...but felt as though it was crawling when the black times hit.

Congrats on finding a nice new man. What is normal? I don't think I have done 'normal' since I was in my early 20s.

Onwards and upwards... xx

Mummiehunnie · 12/07/2010 13:22

Hi, anyone around to talk things through with me? Narc ex is giving me a hard time, house has had an offer made on it, and it is not causing ripples, waves are afoot, and I fear a tidal wave from him, am scared and he is big time trying to control and scare me, not letting on to him I am scared!

elizabethtailored · 23/07/2010 15:43

Reading all of these is like a light bulb coming on. Except its my father not my husband. Has anyone experienced this?

I feel sick.

ItsGraceActually · 23/07/2010 16:25

Hi, Elizabeth. Yes, my Mum's a Narcissist and my father was at least a Narc but more likely a full-blown sociopath. Have you seen the Stately Homes threads in this forum?

It's quite frightening when you see it clearly, isn't it? You have my sympathy.

toomanystuffedbears · 23/07/2010 23:48

Hi Therealme,
I have been thinking of you, too. I'm so happy for you!
Well done.
It is amazing the way people can flourish when rid of the crap people in their lives, isn't it?

Congrats on seeing a new guy, too.

Take care, hugs for the dc...
TMSB

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