G-A-G that's so true, about the falling into a pit. You look back now and can see so clearly how year by year it all got horribly worse. I can see my old self 5, 10, 15 years ago and at each stage there I was making more and more allowances, trying harder and harder to fix things. It didn't get any better, it just kept spiraling further into despair. What a bloody waste of my time! I must have had such strong resilience - such positive beliefs that things would improve, that I could change things.
Of course, I see now that there was always going to be 'something' wrong with me. I didn't at the time. I always took on board every criticism that he had of me. I believed he knew me so well and only wanted to help me become the person I was meant to be. It made me dependent on him for my happiness. It caused me to put a block on my own needs because I was so preoccupied with becoming the person he thought I should be.
He set himself up as my therapist and tore me apart as a result.
Funnily enough, I was remembering the 2 years I spent in psychotherapy a few years back. I went because my h said I needed it and indeed he happily paid for me to go. I went with the pre-conditioned attitude that I was a terrible wife who had let her h down and was incapable of running my own life, keeping on top of things, remembering to do things etc.
The therapist saw through my presenting issues though. He questioned my need to do certain things that I had been accused of failing at by my h. He asked me why I did things if I didn't want to. He left me with a sentence that I have never forgotton - 'You don't have to accept this life - you can stop it at any time you want to'
It doesn't sound very dramatic a statement when I write it down here! But at the time....it was like, after years of being controlled and bullied by my h, suddenly I was being given permission to say 'No! I'm not going to put up with this anymore'
I think maybe that was the point that I stopped believing I could fix things. I started to cut myself off emotionally from my h - no longer relied on him to make me happy.
It took a few years, but eventually I did put a stop to it. I did it too within a very short time frame. I think I had detached myself emotionally from my h after what that therapist said to me, and after that it was just a case of having the balls to seperate physically!
Can't believe I spent so long trying to fix the unfixable though.
G-A-G I'm thrilled you are able to find some peace now - along with the excitement of having your own place, to be able to put your own stamp on it! Housewarming to be announced??!